Sex too soon

Mrs_Drgree · 2021-09-10T10:59:01+00:00

No advice threads

KirthWGersen · 2021-09-10T08:11:23+00:00

Second date sex is not too soon if you are ready. In my experience and that of my friends, it is the most usual time for sex to first happen.

If you were to tell me, after having had sex with me, that you you want to slow down and build a greater friendship and connection before having sex again, I would assume, based on experience, that I was being friendzoned. I have plenty of friends, so I would assume you were a lost cause and look elsewhere.

parahacker · 2021-09-10T07:56:31+00:00

Yes.

Being told right after you had sex with a girl that she doesn't want sex?

Tell me I'm a bad lay without telling me I'm a bad lay.

Also... men connect more with women the longer they have sex with them. A one-and-done? Heartbreaking. Next. A woman who wants frequent repetitions? Hey, so... let's talk and connect.

He's 42. Chances are he's had at least a few women in the past who fucked him, then tapered off and disappeared shortly after. Even if you don't want to look like them, even if you want an actual adult relationship with frequent sex and you're just recalibrating, you're gonna look like them and you're gonna seem like a woman about to ghost. Or friendzone. And you might lose him like that.

Do what you gotta do, but be aware that especially a man in his 40's is likely to have been burned badly by exactly this kind of behavior and you might end up with far less of an emotional connection than if you kept fucking. My 2 cents.

Zcuzz · 2021-09-10T07:48:11+00:00

TheBookOfSeil · 2021-09-10T07:54:45+00:00

Depends on what you want/what you're looking for and what your views are. If you're not using sex as a tool and have it when you want to, then its fine. You don't have to wait at all.

If you do use sex as a tool to make guys wait so that you don't feel used if they ghost or decide to part ways, then take the advice of those women and don't have sex until you get some kind of reassurance.

That's about all you can do.

Pastelitomaracucho · 2021-09-10T09:47:24+00:00

> Was that too soon?

Remains to be seen.

>I really wanna say something like “Friendship and emotional intimacy are very important dynamics to me when having sex with someone. I’d like to build that and take things more slowly before being physical” I’m worried that’ll ruin it tho... thoughts?

It's bullshit. Because your actions did not match your words. They guy was going to come up with "wtf are you saying we already fucked".

>I honestly just wanna avoid that cloudy judgment and looking at things through a rose colored glass lense that effects so many women after having good sex with a man. I blame biology but hormones that get produced from sex can be such a bitch sometimes

Then you should not have fucked on the second dated / without establishing some sort of connection first.

Take some accountability. No backsies now without judgement. Or at least be ready to get dumped if he does not agree to your change of sign.

SiriusB8 · 2021-09-10T08:16:28+00:00

Why are females answering Q4M post? It's against sub rules...

anyways, 2nd date isn't "too soon" and rest is some weird BS, but I'm not good with dating advices, so don't listen to me.

toxicboy4lyf · 2021-09-10T08:58:54+00:00

Well here is the thing, i think given that the guy is 42, he probably doesnt care. I dont think it is too soon. And he probably doesnt either. As for wether he will wait or not, that depends on the guy.

But i would think at 42, most guys are well aware of what they want. I dont think adjusting your behaviour will have an impact on how he sees the relationship.

Although for younger guys, in general it does. If you sleep with a guy early many younger guys will be less likely to consider you for a relationship.

I would compare it with guys opening up emotionally to women.

I think guys who make themselves vulnerable and open up emotionally to women are the male version of "an easy girl"

Younger girls will listen to them and enjoy the moment but they wont take him serious.

But when it comes to an older woman who knows what she wants, she might like that and take him more seriously.

But back to your question, i think changing your behaviour is unnecessary in this case. And idk if it will work.

WilliamWyattD · 2021-09-10T08:59:05+00:00

You haven't provided the critical info. How was the sex? What was your desire level? If not great mechanically, was there clear potential to be great?

If your message to him is a sincere 'We had sex too soon for me because it was great. And great sex creates strong emotional bonds for me that we might not be ready for just yet,' then I think that is a fine message. Again, as long as it is the truth. Just continue to date and work things out. During the dates, SHOW that you have desire for him. Be as physical as your emotions will allow. But at the least touch him. Look at him with desire. All of this should be easy if this is true. And I think any decent guy will respond well for this. It's actually pretty easy for most men, especially older men, to wait a fairly long time for sex if they are sure the desire for it is there.

Now, if the sex wasn't good and/or there was not much desire, etc. then things get more complex.

cvslengthbucketlist · 2021-09-10T07:51:13+00:00

[permanently deleted]

343_peaches_and_tea · 2021-09-10T08:16:21+00:00

Be honest. If he listens to you and respects your opinion, then that's a sign he's good relationship material.

Just over explain and make it very, very clear it's about you and not him. Praise his ego a little and don't skip out the things you're enjoying about him so far.

At the end of the day, you're 27 and he's 42. He's not going to pass you over that easily.

(Also side note. There's nothing wrong with having sex early. Having sex early doesn't mean you can't build emotional bonds with someone)

KirthWGersen · 2021-09-10T07:53:43+00:00

[permanently deleted]

cvslengthbucketlist · 2021-09-10T07:56:24+00:00

Personally I'm more conservative about these things and feel like that might have been a bit too soon (for your sake), but then again things do tend to move faster in dating when you get older so it's not entirely odd. Obviously you've already played your hand at this point, but you've also demonstrated that you're willing to "meet him in the middle" so that wanting to wait and build an emotional connection is an entirely fair move on your part and not an unreasonable ask.

It's basically on him at this point, if he's emotionally mature he should be understanding about it but if he reacts badly or ghosts then scaring him off is probably all the better for you anyway.

Competitive_Pen2282 · 2021-09-10T08:35:55+00:00

if you wait any longer for sex he will get an erectile disfunction due to old age. Also make sure he includes you to his wil.

passepar2t · 2021-09-10T08:34:02+00:00

There's no such thing as objectively too soon. Having sex early can be a way to bind two people together and give them a high starting platform for launching their relationship. Or it can lead to disappointment or one person deciding to move on.

Waiting is a screening method for how long they want to stay but it totally neuters all passion and drives in-demand people away and at that point, why even have a relationship.

Because you're not telepathic and can't see the future, you always have to give up something and accept an element of risk somewhere.

AutoModerator · 2021-09-10T07:19:17+00:00

Attention!

You can post off topic/jokes/puns as a comment to this Automoderator message.
For "CMV" and "Question for X" Threads: Parent comments that aren't from the target group will be removed, along with their child replies.
If you want to agree with OP instead of challenging their view or if the question is not targeted at you, post it as an answer to this comment.
OP you can choose your own flair according to these guidelines., just press Flair under your post!

Thanks for your cooperation and enjoy the discussion!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

iamthemovie1992 · 2021-09-10T09:25:14+00:00

If I had sex with a girl, and she then tells me she wants to wait a bit longer before having sex again, I’ll just ghost her and add the woman to my bed post. Move on, I got no time for that and I still got what I want.

CrazyBaby8891 · 2021-09-10T10:24:24+00:00

I'm a woman but there are some important issues that need to be addressed here that I don't really see anyone else taking on, so here goes:

You mentioned wanting to build a connection and how strongly sex emotionally affects you, yet you're doing it on the 2nd date with someone who, in all honesty, you can't really know that well in such a brief time frame. You said yourself that you don't even know if he's on the rebound or what he's looking for! You have no idea where you truly stand with him, yet you're trusting him with your body and feelings already. And you're stumped about how to effectively communicate your concerns with him, meanwhile you've done the most intimate physical act possible with him; it's a clear disconnect between your soul and your body. This is straight-up counterproductive to what you're going for, which is gradually building a genuine connection without sex clouding your judgment. Additionally, if a guy is scared off by you wanting to wait for these reasons then more likely than not, he's only after that one thing and he'll only stick around for as long as he's getting it; iow, he won't be staying because he actually cares about you; he'll only be staying for the physical aspect and even that won't guarantee any real commitment from him and all that will get you is hurt. The age gap can be a problem too; I understand there are outliers who just so happen to fall in love with individuals who are significantly older or younger (legally, ofc) than themselves and enjoy a happy healthy relationship/marriage but you mentioned that you go for significantly older guys specifically. This likely has a psychological cause that you need to address. You'll also need to be aware of men who go for significantly younger women specifically, because those types tend to have ulterior motives.

In sum, it's up to you to decide how to conduct your own life but my recommendation is to reconsider your whole approach to dating because I think that will help you tremendously.

FuckWhatYallThink · 2021-09-10T08:57:59+00:00

You are allowed to do whatever you want. He may take it personally though

Your thought process seems kind of silly to me. Plenty women have good sex with a man and dump him regardless. Your reason seems more like you WANT to be in a frame of mind to potentially dump him… which may as well be you wanting to dump him now.

But again, its your life, you do you. You wouldnt be the first woman in history to inflict a shit test on a blameless male. It is what it is. A dude who has seen forty years of life on this earth, im not too worried about him, he has probably built a thick skin regarding women and their flighty ghosty somewhat ridiculous ways.

Title	Sex too soon
Author	sterlingrose616
Upvotes	0
Comments	83
Date	September 10, 2021 7:19 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/plg6hq/sex_too_soon/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/sex-too-soon.1069475 https://theredarchive.com/post/1069475

Comments