Dating with Kids Post-Divorce

possumeggs · 2020-03-12T16:56:31+00:00

The difference is whether a woman is childfree or just hasn't had kids yet. If you meet someone or are looking at a profile for a "childfree/does not want kids" woman, don't send a message. If a woman doesn't want kids, she doesn't kids - bio or otherwise.

If your argument is about "Well I don't even have them very often, they're not a big part of my life," that's a massive red flag to any HVW. It speaks to character - and it would be a mark against. A father should be involved in his children's lives.

Most people don't want to date single parents. You're a single parent - do you want to date another single parent? Why or why not? Because every argument you might have for not wanting to date a single parent is probably similar to someone else's reason for not wanting to date you. Just keep that in mind.

Every woman I know who doesn't have kids/doesn't want kids is not willing to date a single parent. It's baggage that childfree people know they don't want - that's why they don't have kids.

NoThisIs-Patrick · 2020-03-12T15:41:55+00:00

how many single women without kids automatically rule out single dads as potential suitors?

Why wouldn't you want to date single mothers? You say you would, but why do you prefer women without children? What do you offer single women without children? This SCREAMS entitlement to me. The fact that you're even weighing the pros and cons of this. You already have your own children. You say in a comment that this is about deprogramming TRP and PUA... but clearly some part of you still believes a single father is any better than a single mother. Do you even have primary custody? Regardless of if the answer is yes or no... damn it makes you look bad. This attitude is why I would never even look at a single father. You couldn't keep together a marriage when you had kids. What would make me think you'd ever be as or more serious about a woman who hasn't had your children? Seems like a poor investment of any childless woman's time.

I would want children if I found a good man to marry. And it would never be with someone who already has children, because I want it to be with someone who hasn't done that with someone else already. Otherwise, I have no interest in dating men with children. I would truly rather be single forever than be with a man with children. One, because he now has his ex attached to him forever. And I don't date men who talk to their exes. If he's widowed, I'm still not interested.

Another, I have my own things going on. I work a lot. I barely see my friends as is. I have a dog who is arguably as bad or worse than a child. I don't have time to play mommy, and I have yet to meet any single father who doesn't expect his girlfriend to play mommy when he has kids.

marshmallowblues · 2020-03-12T17:01:51+00:00

i suppose it has to do with age and circumstance.

i married relatively young (25? 24? i can't even remember!) and raised a step son who is now 20. his father and i are now divorced. i am now 40 and have no biological children of my own (i cannot but would not have wanted to anyways).

would not do again nor advise another young woman to do it.

things became very complicated when my ex husband traded me in on a younger model. i'll be plain about what happened- he used me to raise the child he created with another woman and as soon as the goal post was in sight (his son was 17) he left me for a woman half our age. of course, he also philandered throughout the relationship and was abusive but i stayed because i had come to feel that my step son was "mine." i love that kid. the heartbreak was almost unbearable. after two and a half years since i left the marital home, at least my little dude and i are beginning to salvage our relationship. i would like to restate: unbearable. heart. break.

so, move my age up 20 years from when i got married in real life- imagine i'm a 40 year old woman dating age appropriate men and a man i fancy has a child. it's likely that child is a teenager or adult. maybe things aren't so complicated. i can imagine being helpful and supportive to a partner with children and not being roped in to the total responsibility role.

if you're asking about you and don't want to say specifics, i can understand, but i do think the age of the dating partners and the children are huge variables.

TheOGJammies · 2020-03-12T14:27:36+00:00

Single dads (who aren’t widowers) are a Hard pass for any single woman with sense.

First off, you will likely have to keep paying child support for your first set of kids, which is going to take away resources from her potential kids with you.

Secondly, women tend not to leave marriages when they have smaller children unless the husband is really really really bad or really really useless, so your divorce is a mark against you. Most women are going to look at that like “wow your ex would rather struggle as a single mom than put up with you”.

Thirdly, if you have primary custody of your kids, it likely means your ex wife is a nutcase who will cause unending problems for the rest of your relationship.

I just personally don’t see any upsides to dating a single dad as a single woman. If I really liked him and he only had one child I might consider it, but literally everything else about him would have to be perfect.

You might be able to woo a woman who genuinely doesn’t want children if you promise her low Involvement in the childrearing and she has her own life and money. But she’s not going to want to be a full-time step mom if she imagines her life child-free.

radical__daphne · 2020-03-12T14:30:36+00:00

Why are you particularly interested in a woman who has no children?

I mean I think I know why...

ErikaNaumann · 2020-03-12T14:40:14+00:00

As a single woman in her mid 30s and childfree by choice, I would not date a father. Simply because I do not want children, so I would not want to be a step mother. Plus add the fact that there will be a baby momma somewhere mixed in there, and it's just too much drama for me.

This is actually one the very first questions I make a guy "do you have children, and if not, do you want to have children?", if they say yes then I know we are not a good match.

sushiwalrus · 2020-03-12T17:10:12+00:00

I immediately rule them out. I make no exceptions. The most I would ever do with a father is fwb. I’m in my 20s with no kids and have never been married and I expect the same from my partner. I do want children when I’m married.

If you are a single parent your best bet is to date someone who also has children, or someone who is older with no children and interested in having children of their own. I don’t see a younger unattached woman of value being interested in a man with kids, but an older woman of value may be more open to it if you’re marriage minded and willing to settle down and have more children. Even then she may not want to be with a man with kids which is fair. That’s why dating a single mom is the easiest way to go. I’ve seen a few men in their 20s online saying they have children and don’t want more. Lmao. Have fun being alone forever, because a woman that doesn’t want children will not want to deal with yours.

saxophonepax · 2020-03-12T19:38:41+00:00

Hard pass based on personal experience.

Single woman no kids: no ex drama, no children to hinder any career plans or require caretaking consistently, can travel anywhere anytime, no financial burdens except self, no potential issues from any ex, partner comes first

Man with kids: baby mama drama i.e. jealousy, potential court issues if anything goes wrong, doesn't want another woman in her child's life, financial burden of a child, cannot travel or make spontaneous plans, life revolves around child and child comes first, career plans have limited ambition or more risk-averse as they need stable income for child, partner comes second or third to needs of child and child's mother.

Why would these two people seem like a perfect fit? Tried to explain this to my ex when I finally woke up and decided to leave (6 months into the relationship) and he had the audacity to think he was perfect and we were SO compatible.

curlygirl507 · 2020-03-12T14:17:14+00:00

Hard pass.

FDScheerleader · 2020-03-12T21:52:33+00:00

I'd be super happy to date a guy with kids as I don't have any of my own (35/f) but I'd really only be interested if he also meets my other criteria of being fairly mobile in life. One guy was trapped in his house living w his ex wife and three kids. Holy shit that is a no. Also if they say "my kids will always be #1" I swipe left or if they have drama or talk poorly of their kids mom that's an automatic no.

ivy176 · 2020-03-14T11:29:35+00:00

I'm 32, mostly childfree, sitting on the fence by like 2%. I wouldn't date a man who previously had kids. Even if I ended up having a child (one would be 300% more than enough), I wouldn't want him to have had kids with anyone else. I also wouldn't date a man even if he had no contact with the kids (even if it was for reasons he couldn't control and wanted to see them) and I wouldn't date a guy who admitted to ever being a sperm donor.

If I ever had kids which I most likely won't because it's never been something I wanted at all, I'd want us to both experience it together for the first time. I'd want each other to be the only people we ever made a human being with. Or I'd want us to both just be childfree.

popfriday · 2020-03-14T15:42:06+00:00

I don’t have kids and I would never date a man who does.

A lot of men with kids date so inappropriately. Having the woman in the house, moving her in, being with her even though the kids are uncomfortable. I personally think it’s very selfish behavior. I also will not play mommy to offspring that’s not mine.

myousername · 2020-03-15T21:46:58+00:00

I'm really torn on this topic.

A high value man always puts his kids first, it is a sign of good character and morals. However, I am a woman who doesn't want kids, and the idea of dating someone who will always put someone else first doesn't sit well with me, even if they are his children and he is totally justified in prioritizing them.

That being said, I would never date someone who is a deadbeat dad, because it shows he has poor character.

A single dad is probably better off dating other single moms, or dating a woman who doesn't have kids and wants them.

Leolikesme · 2020-03-16T05:50:54+00:00

I am childfree, and at 46, going to stay that way. I was married and I never wanted kids of my own. To be honest, yes I'd prefer to date men without children. But realistically, that's just not an option. Most men my age are coming out of marriages and have children.

I have fallen for a divorced dad of a girl. I have to say I saw on his profile that he had a daughter and I found that more appealing than a son. I haven't met his daughter yet but it's on the cards. It's still okay as he he has her 50% of the time most of the time and I and looking forward to doing kid stuff with him and her - I feel happy about it as I didn't have to do the hard stuff like birth, nappies, and sleepless nights and I get to go to my home as well. He is a very involved dad - at the most he has her 80% of the time but I just have to deal with it.

I think it depends on the woman. And the man. This man is worth it.

pjrnoc · 2020-03-17T09:23:55+00:00

I don’t have kids nor do I want any of my own. That being said, I love kids. I think it sounds kind of awesome to date a single dad.

kwalden2 · 2020-03-28T02:46:40+00:00

Is it a hard no on single dads? Not for everyone- it wouldn't have been for me. It wasn't for my mom when she met my dad.

1) As stated in other comments, being a hypocrite on single mothers/single fathers is a sign of sexism that needs to be worked on. Your chances are better if you grow an attractive and healthy mindset where you accept women as equals. You'll also do a lot better in the workplace collaborating with women.

2) High value women don't want to be a nanny to your children in the dating phase (investing time and love into your children when the relationship may not even last long term). Do not try to push your children on any woman early on because it would make her uncomfortable as well as your children and your ex. Be ready to really commit first- if it was me I would require it.

3) Oh yeah, about the ex! Expect to admit where you messed up in the demise of your marriage. Expect to show how you can maintain a respectful coparenting relationship while having boundaries and separate lives. Honestly, you should be doing that for yourself and the children anyway. The only difference is that, when dating, you'll also have to make enough time for the new love interest.

4) A high value woman will want to see that your children are being raised well. That's all they're going to care about early on! Do you treat you children with integrity? Try to let her know how you are a responsible parent without dragging her into the family scene. Maybe she can meet the children casually in a group just to see how they're raised. However, mostly get to know a new woman in all the other normal ways. Decide if she works as a partner for you. Have the children adjust only when necessary.

5) Once you're sure you want a relationship to move forward, talk with her more specifically about how the future might look with her joining your family. See if you two can come to an agreement on details. If she agrees with what you want, then you can propose marriage and start integrating your fiancé more with the children. This was how my father did it. Most women with no children would honestly prefer to move toward a full, legal marriage.

Does it sound like hard work? Yes, it is. It isn't for everyone! But take it for whatever it's worth to you.

grimreapersdtr · 2020-04-07T18:18:31+00:00

If you come across as being desperate for a nanny/mommy for your kids, I’d call it a huge red flag.

It seems a lot of men try to rope a woman in to playing housemaid and Au-pair while they try to gain more custodial time from their ex wives.

timetofliptables · 2020-03-12T16:02:01+00:00

For me, I do want kids so I’d be open to it in theory but I have career ambitions that will probably eventually have me moving again so the reality is I wouldn’t want to start dating anyone that has strong ties and can’t eventually move with me.

Even without possibly moving it’d be tough though. It’d have to be a situation where we met and knew each other and really hit it off naturally as opposed to online dating.

Title	Dating with Kids Post-Divorce
Author	FDScheerleader
Upvotes	22
Comments	75
Date	March 12, 2020 12:56 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askFDS
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/AskFDS/comments/fhfwz9/dating_with_kids_postdivorce/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askFDS/dating-with-kids-post-divorce.1068817 https://theredarchive.com/post/1068817

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