Why does being nice get you taken advantage of, dominated, and disrespected?

SirKolbath · 2019-01-31T02:41:39+00:00

Being nice is basically giving your time, attention, and resources for free.

Free and worthless are not synonymous, but close. So giving too much of yourself for free means you don’t value yourself. If you don’t, who will?

AbsoluteBaitMan · 2019-01-31T02:44:06+00:00

There's a difference between being kind and no self esteem

KakarotSSJ4 · 2019-01-31T02:42:44+00:00

Things are this way because most people are shit and don't care about others. Could be a biological thing though I won't get into that. Basically this teaches you to have respect for yourself and you should stand up for yourself. Fuck being nice for no reason, I treat people how they treat me but that's just the way that I am.

Wjourney · 2019-01-31T04:59:48+00:00

There are ways to be nice and not get taken advantage of. It's called standing your ground and not being afraid to let people know when they are making you uncomfortable/disrespecting you. Frame, essentially.

[deleted] · 2019-01-31T06:53:39+00:00

Well when your GENUINELY NICE... people will take advantage of it because they know they can get away with it.

I relapsed into drugs and I was rolling with drug dealers and dopefiends all day. Its been a while since I've done dope so I was slowly transition into the drug lifestyle. A lot of people who do dope are scumbags with no respect.

Being nice got me robbed but being a genuine real person gave me good karma. The dude that robbed me got his eye cracked with a pistol and I got my phone back a week later. After I got robbed I learned that people need to earn my trust. I can't just give it away.

This made me transition from a GENUINELY NICE PERSON into a ruthless prick and did they feel my wraith. I was a different animal I just had a lot of patience and thank God for that patience. I would hold in a lot and I would say some ruthless shit that got into people's emotions, some deep shit. The truth haha

I'm sober now for 3 months been working out everyday 10 - burpees to 200 a day I'm trying to do 500 daily.

FereallyRed · 2019-01-31T02:42:48+00:00

Doormats are nice.

heres_johnnie · 2019-01-31T06:49:35+00:00

There’s a difference between being a genuine good person and being a “nice guy” and often these can be confused.

Being a nice guy is more of a mental frame versus actually doing “nice” things. Nice guys sacrifice their own needs / happiness in an attempt to satisfy others and inevitably end up coming last.

Good people only do good things when it’s viable for them to do so, without sacrificing their own happiness whilst considering their needs as priorities, essentially knowing when to say no.

Learn how to say no, and you’ll be respected.

BurnieSlander · 2019-01-31T05:38:30+00:00

Because when you are just “nice” you are being fake. People who are nice all the time are boring as and fake as fuck. Real people have a dynamic range of emotions so when people go around acting like NPC’s in a Sims video game, real people see through it.

So when you are confused about why being nice doesn’t get you niceness in return, understand that it’s because what you are really putting out there is a fake bullshit facade of the person you really are, and so what you are getting back is bullshit too.

The world is a mirror so when you see shit, don’t blame the mirror. Clean the shit off your face.

KettleLogic · 2019-01-31T10:06:53+00:00

You've been given a lot of great answer but with an anecdotal twist or because of x. I want to break it down for you outside of people interpersonal relationships outside of game.

In a negotiation who has more power? The one willing to walk away or the one who wants it? The one with the least investment has the negotiation power. Therefore the power in the dynamic.

This is true of everything. Being nice in an interpersonal relationship is conceding power. Women like men with power. Concede it to them they are biologically wired to view you as a peer. Friend. Than a partner.

saladon · 2019-01-31T11:15:51+00:00

People have started to equate being NICE to being WEAK.

Having traveled the world, I say it truly depends on which country you're in, but in cultures where vulgar gangsters are the biggest cultural icons and heroes, even saying, "please" or "thank you" will have ordinary people instinctively think less of you.

In such places, I've had to reluctantly go, "This. Two of em. Make it quick," even when buying something at a shop. It gets em moving quickly and respectfully, fucking funny enough. Some people are just used to being treated like shit so anyone that doesn't feels like you're below them on the social hierarchy.

INNASKILLZ2K18 · 2019-01-31T06:17:47+00:00

Like someone else said, people see through it. Most of the time 'nice guys' don't have the balls to stand for what they want, be assertive and masculine.

Being nice is a big way to cover this up, and their hamster makes them believe that 'oh well, if I just be nice, people will meet my needs'.

Get real, get masculine, go for what you want directly. Have an IDGAF attitude. People, women especially respect it, because it's authentic.

embracingtheredpill · 2019-01-31T07:30:24+00:00

Ok I think I disagree with other people in this post when I say: doing nice things for others is a good thing. Notice how I said "doing nice" as opposed to "being nice". Without people being nice to each other, the bonds of society would break and we would return to the beforehand times of nomadic warring hunter-gatherers (which some TRPers may not mind hahaha). Doing nice things for each other is how society's are built. It triggers a reciprocatory response from most people except psychopaths (and women in emotional-sexual relationships-Briffault's law). When someone does something nice for us, we like that person better and get invested in them a little more. Doing nice and being a nice person is expected of people, around a standard of reasonable (check out AITA sub for example, to see this debate) without expecting anything in return. Helping people pick up their groceries and giving them directions or occasionally buying the next round for example. In male society, using resources to help each other out is an important way to bond.

"Being nice" on the other hand means for the most part you're a spineless, waver thin guy with no boundaries, no plans, no value for your time and is autistically keeping score and expecting things in return for doing the bare minimum of being a decent human being. Being nice people are usually not socio-sexually competent, as they view the world as 100% purely transactional for everything. Being nice as a defining quality trait also means you're usually not a nice person and that the world should give you a prize for being a human. Most damning of all, being nice people don't have anything else to offer. Their "nice-ness" is the only calling card they have, which they don't realise everyone else does. They don't have money or a body or connections or a good time to offer. They offer nice. Bland, old, everyday nice. I'll eat oatmeal, not because I want to, but because I have to, but I can't even top it up with honey or fruits now. Don't be nice. Be reasonable. Be human. Do nice, when you have the time, when it's not too much trouble and when you think it'll help a person out. Doing nice can also be bp sometimes, but that's how you get friends, lovers and people to like you, and you never know when that person can help you out down the road.

CalvinRichland · 2019-01-31T06:07:03+00:00

You should be nice enough that everyone wants to be on your good side and visious enough that nobody wants to be on your bad side.

Some people think I am the nicest guy ever and others think I am the biggest asshole. Some know the truth which is, don't test me.

Jedi_Buzz_Zerker · 2019-01-31T04:15:30+00:00

Can you elaborate on what experiences you've had that led you to this mindset?

SenorSwole · 2019-01-31T08:13:08+00:00

NMMNG

rDiothe · 2019-01-31T13:26:28+00:00

Being nice most likely gets you dominated because (I believe) human beings are competitive by nature.

If they see someone who is “nice” - which is really a synonym for “agreeable” if you look it up - then they believe that person will be agreeable to whatever. In other words MOST people will start to label you as a pushover.

First, you have to make sure you aren’t being a pushover, or simply being a guy with no self esteem, because a lot of people who think they are “nice” are really just afraid. There’s some popular books on this. One is “No more Mr. nice guy” by Robert Glover.

ANYWAY... this next part mainly applies to friends. Male friends.

IMO The key here, once you have made sure that you aren’t being a “nice guy” or a “pushover” is to notice these people in your life that disrespect you when you are nice.

Although I said most people may do this if you are too nice, there are a handful who may not and they SHOULD NOT be if they are your “friends”. Simply put DROP the dead weight.

If someone can’t deal with you being a respectful man then truthfully they have no business in your life. But you have to make sure you are a person who respects yourself first.

If you are not, or if you are a pushover, it’s likely that you invited people into your life who use you as a “crutch”. They see you as someone they can dump on either to your face or behind your back

Example: the guy who fucks his “friends” GF. This guy never respected you in the first place, which means you’re probably a pushover. And HE is probably a fucking loser somehow. It goes hand in hand.

Don’t accept bullies. Don’t be a bitch either.

Kurush559 · 2019-01-31T13:27:59+00:00

Niceness has to be predicated by respect and dominance. If youre respected and assertive, being nice is great. If youre the average passive agreeable guy, being nice gets you nothing

macheagle · 2019-01-31T18:26:03+00:00

It depends on whether you are being nice because you lack options (and therefore you’re nice out of sheer incompetence), or you’re being nice while you are fully capable of being anything and others are aware of it. Imagine the difference between a beggar being nice to you, versus a king being nice to you.

The former is a strong indicator of DLV - demonstrating lower value. You’re preemptively telling others that you are of lower value than them and usually out of the lack of other options. A beggar does not have the option to act any other way but to be nice, and no one respects someone with no options because it may not be authentic to begin with.

A king being nice is a conscious choice out of a long list of things he can do to you. That’s a much better indicator of power and respect - through grace.

As for being less than nice or “rude”, it’s an indicator of DHV. Demonstrating higher value. Usually, only someone with sufficient confidence or backing can be rude as they can either really get away with it or think they can. That means they really are of higher value than you in life or they pretend they are. Whether or not they really are is up to you to gauge.

chazthundergut · 2019-02-01T00:54:46+00:00

There is nothing "noble" about being nice.

That's because most guys are "nice" not out of genuine goodwill but out of self preservation.

Like you pointed out in your own post, when you are nice you are expecting people to be nice in return. For most beta males, being "nice" is simply an attempt at manipulation. The kind that females are intrinsically masters at.

What people like is strength. Make yourself formidable. Be able to stand on your own two feet and provide for yourself. Be able to protect yourself and your people, and be willing to stand up for your values.

When you are strong, then you can actually be nice. Because when you do nice things, you do so from a position of power. A man who doesn't need anything from you is a trustworthy man. When he offers his hand of friendship, he does so from genuine good will. Not for social advantage, not for financial gain, not because he's trying to sneak into her panties. He is nice by choice, and that makes a huge difference in how people will react.

So prioritize strength. Nice comes later

sixseven89 · 2019-01-31T05:26:05+00:00

Being nice is a disadvantageous trait for evolution because ancient humans had to proactively ensure their own survival, i.e. it's human nature to be selfish. so people naturally tend to take advantage of people who are too nice

Andrew54321 · 2019-01-31T12:08:22+00:00

Find people with manners and etiquette

Bedtimeshine · 2019-01-31T13:01:31+00:00

You can be nice and still not get punked. Think Wayne from letterkenny. He one of the nicest guys on earth, takes the shirt off his Back when someone asks, treats women with old fashion chivalry. But no one ever takes advantage of him because he has what’s truly important. Confidence, low body fat, muscular physical, gets shit done, and ain’t scared of anything.

SalporinRP · 2019-01-31T13:20:14+00:00

Being nice does not necessarily equal being a pushover.

Some of the "nicest" people I've met have had the firmest boundaries and the least amount of tolerance for bullshit.

Crackpixel · 2019-01-31T14:44:17+00:00

You can be nice 80% of the time but you also have to show the other 20% so they know who's in control. Doesn't apply for all relationships but it is a good rule of thumb.

Just being nice while having no other real value doesn't bring you far in life, but it looks like you already know that.

First rule is, if people can take advantage of you they will 100%!

maxofreddit · 2019-01-31T14:47:52+00:00

At the risk of jumping in behind the ball, I think you're confusing "being nice" with "having boundaries."

People who are nice, don't necessarily get taken advantage of, people without boundaries do. It IS true that usually conflict avoidant people tend to be also seen as "nice" since they are rarely the center of overeat conflict. "Nice" people tend to fall into the category of the typical people pleaser, meaning that they either literally don't know what they want in any given situation, or they put other's needs higher than their own. They can also have a pretty good dose of FOMO.

Example - Stereotypical Nice

"Hey man, we're going to the club, you down?" "Um, I had some other plans, but,, uh" "C'mon dude! It's gonna be great, we gotta have you there!" "...I... uh... okay... see you in a bit"

Stereoypical Asshole

"Hey man, we're headed to the club, you down?" "I have better shit to do than to club tonight, you should too." "Whatever, man... you sure?" "I'm NOT going to the club, it's a dumb idea."

Nice, with boundaries

"Hey man, we're going to the club, you down?" "Thanks for the invite man, it sound like a lot of fun, but I'm going to bow out this time." "What? You GOTTA come dude! It's gonna be lit!" "I'm sure it will be, you always seem to have a good time, but I'm gonna bow out." "Man for reals? I thought I could count on you?" "I'm sorry, if you feel that way, but I'm still bowing out." "Yeah, well, whatever, see you around."

That last one, if you don't have proper confidence, can leave a person feeling like - oh god, they're never going to call me again to go out.

This example is informed by both WISNIFG, and Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss (a GREAT book to give you tools for conflicts in life).

And realize that part of being "alpha" is that generally speaking, YOU HAVE BETTER SHIT TO DO. As in then reason you can't go out, is because you're working on your programming skills for your new promotion that you're crushing, or you have to head to the gym, or your almost done reading that sweet manifest on stoicism, and it's important that you finish it, or you really feel you need the down time to make sure you on point for a busy week ahead. You don't have to TELL people what it is you're doing, that's your life, but having important things that you doing to grow and improve your life makes it easier to enforce boundaries.

You can be nice and still be "alpha." I think some people tend to assume asshole = alpha, when very often asshole = asshole, scared/insecure guy with defense mechanisms. ;)

If you can be a nice guy with boundaries, then I feel like you're doing alpha jiu jitsu. ;)

BACONisKEWLEST · 2019-01-31T15:24:50+00:00

This the classic transactional obligation vs desire. You’re treating your relationships with other people as a transaction. Others can smell this on you, and due to your lack of perceived value they hold you in contempt.

akq0 · 2019-01-31T15:37:16+00:00

Build up boundries around. Dont give your attention/commitment/time for free.

mrpthrowa · 2019-01-31T17:14:00+00:00

It's primal.

As animals we take things by force, we raid, we hunt, we attack, and so on.

We're not used to giving things up just because someone is nice to us. We get it taken away.

In fact, if someone is nice to us, we're primaly hardwired to think they are either weak or a target to be raided/ridiculed/hunted. Thus we despise them.

W_O_M_B_A_T · 2019-01-31T17:22:41+00:00

It's the M.O. of the Fucking New Guy. Might as well get a tattoo on your forehead that says "I don't know what I'm about and I don't have any social currency."

It's fine to be generous and magnanimous to people whom you know are a positive influence and bringing value to your life.

paulkersey1999 · 2019-01-31T18:03:44+00:00

several reasons; 1-when you are nice, nobody is afraid of you. fear is the most powerful emotion by far. if people are afraid of you, they don't fuck with you. if you are nice, there is no fear and they feel free to abuse you at will. 2-when you are nice, it comes off as needy and subservient. like you are trying to make up for some inadequacy. therefore people treat you as inferior. 3-people get spoiled. if you do someone a favor one time, the NEXT time they need a favor they ask you because you are nice and they can "rely" on you. naturally, this becomes a habit. the favors you do for them don't accumulate, like a bank account, they are quickly forgotten. ironically, if you refuse a favor (after having done many in the past) this person will become MORE angry/abusive to you than the person who NEVER does them a favor because they EXPECT more from you. and if you are talking about dealing with women, multiply these effects by 100.

GGrub8 · 2019-01-31T19:22:02+00:00

People resort to fake "niceness" because the modern world doesn't offer many opportunities to show that you are a genuinely good person.

There's no need to risk your life save anyone from danger, no need to share limited (emphasis on "limited") food with someone who is starving, no need to watch each other's backs.

Basically in a world where genuine sacrifice is not required people automatically assume there is got to be something in for you behind "nice" gestures.

In the past, when our comforts didn't exist, these "nice guys" might have been seen as genuine heroes, while today they're seen as useless. This is why they're so angry inside.

RexOverAll · 2019-03-13T13:48:31+00:00

You won't believe I had this same thought this morning. Being nice is so fucked up

Bone_Coat · 2019-01-31T07:10:59+00:00

You recieve back Who you are projecting to People, if you project self respect , self love boundaries and character you Will recieve the same back, you cannot give what you dont have.

If you are beeing nice to other People it means that they deserve this more than you do because they have more self respect , self love and boundaries and they feel happier with their life than you do with your own

maljo24 · 2019-01-31T11:47:04+00:00

I have never been taken advantage of, dominated nor disrespected for being nice. Its Karma dude.

Title	Why does being nice get you taken advantage of, dominated, and disrespected?
Author	resnine
Upvotes	105
Comments	92
Date	January 31, 2019 2:40 AM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/alktmj/why_does_being_nice_get_you_taken_advantage_of/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/why-does-being-nice-get-you-taken-advantage-of.210632 https://theredarchive.com/post/210632

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