[deleted by user]

pearlofwine · 2022-01-17T16:15:38+00:00

Step one sit on your bed shut up and ask yourself and really ask yourself. What is one thing I'm doing every day that is making my life worse that I could stop doing.

You'll get an answer if you are actually open to hearing what you don't want to hear - because anything you're doing thats messing up your life, you're doing because it has short term benefits which keeps you stuck with those habits. Maybe it's being lazy because you don't have to work hard. Short term you benefit, but long term is catastrophic.

Conceptualize yourself in 5 years. I want you to think if I actually put in the work and took on my shoulders the responsibility for my current life, what would I like my life to look like in 5 years?

Write it down! Decide who you want to be and then start chasing that goal. Do it in small increments.

Start working out start eating better, get enough exercise each week. Be kinder to people. Learn how to not let people take advantage of you. Lose your attachment to neediness. You don't need anyone. You need dopamine and serotonin. Friends and romance are good sources of these but so is true purpose. Your new life purpose isn't a career, it's not to fall in love or to become popular. It's to improve your avatar in this game we call life. You need to learn more skills and level up before you chase the attractive things in life.

Oh and learn to meditate. Don't rely on emotional reactions to situations. Observe your emotional reactions. Watch them, then let them pass and act according to rationality. Embody the man you want to be and be humble. Maybe you want to be a guy who can handle himself in a fight, well until you actually can dont be dumb and throw your weight around. That's both brave and stupid. Someone who is brave and stupid is a fool, someone who is brave and intelligent is a hero. Know the difference.

Learn stoicism it's a real kindness to the self. Look into buddhist ideas of acceptance they empower you to move forward with grace when things are painful.

MotiMorphosys · 2022-01-17T16:52:46+00:00

I swear I've been trying.

So is everyone else.

I read books that supposed to help me with that.

What books? I've got a few that may help you

. I have a therapist and my impression is that he is good.

Why is your impression that he is good? Does he make you angry? Or make you feel good. Best therapist I ever had made me incredibly frustrated with her.

I'm isolated, working from home

Not much you can do to change that situation, more on that later

I am in my mid 20's.

Ok, good news is you have plenty of fucking time. Men hit their peak in their mid 30s. You need to set yourself up for that. And you can totally do it.

I always had a lot of compliments about my appearance, I am handsome and tall.

Yeah so did I, but that's just people being nice. Being tall certainly doesn't hurt, but it's not a guarantee to attraction like men on Reddit seem to think it is.

I have friends. I am social. I enjoy going out, drinking, the music.

Wait, didn't you say earlier that you were isolated?

I can only run and work out for legs.

What kind of condition renders your entire upper body immobile? Elaborate here. Is this another example of you saying you're isolated while you have friends and go out?

I do not have any luck with tinder.

Try hinge. And bumble. And work at them.

I showed my pics to my friends, they said they are ok.

Show them to me, I'll give you some honest feedback

Also it makes me very anxious how very few matches I have, and they don't even write back..

This is common.

When I go out it is always like 10 times more men than women,

Is it really? What town are you in?

Shouting to someone's ears I have never talked before feels weird for me anyway, just as starting dancing with someone without a word.

It does for me too, I prefer places with quieter areas to take someone for talking.

I finally talked to a stranger (kinda cold approached) and it went (relatively) well (I mean good experience for first try). Then her boyfriend appeared and he was mad lol.

Great! Most men can't do this ever at all in a million years. When something like this happens, I GUARENTEE you other girls took notice. You immediately became both attractive, and a possible sexual option to at least 3 other girls at that moment. Even if you get rejected, WALK AWAY FROM THE INTERACTION WITH A SMILE/SMIRK ON YOUR FACE. no one else knows what the hell happened, but if you walk away looking like you struck gold, they will think you're a legend! Then go talk to someone else!!

also you can tell that I'm not that confident and kinda shy too, I guess it is similar for introvert but social people.

...and you cold approached a girl and had a Convo with her. Pretty rare for any guy, let alone an introvert.

I don't understand how others always date someone, hook up, be in a relationship and when it ends immediately find a new one. I feel like they live in a different culture.

Most men have a hard time getting casual sex. You're looking at a small percentage of men you saw at a particular part of their life.

but it is not that I wake up in the morning suddenly become self confident.

This is 100% accurate. You can't just make yourself confident. More on that later.

she asked when was the last time I was with a girl...

Responses: (Put the pressure on her) "Oh, so you're saying you want to have a talk about our pasts?"

(Assume she is implying you get around) "I don't want you to get the wrong idea about me, I don't kiss and tell!"

"Do I really give off that vibe? I've been trying to clean up my act and wait for the right person these days!"

(Take her implication that you don't get any to the extreme) With a smile "I'm actually a virgin. I'm looking for someone pure in heart, mind, and body, and I refuse to lower my standards!!"

The key is to make her bullshit question seem like one. You made the mistake of buying into it by trying to justify yourself.

I do not want to terminate my studies,

Good! It would be foolish to give up your long term potential because other people who will be in shit marriages at 30 are getting a little now while you're not.

Not that I'm sure I can make it with declining depression

You can and you will.

Takeaways:

People expect immediate results. You're going to have to grind for a while. I'm guessing your studies will give you a degree with a high earning potential. Are you making big bucks now? Why not? There are guys in their 20s I see every day online telling me it's so fucking easy to make 50k a month doing their bullshit business model. You understand that your studies are important for a career that will give you a good income. But you also understand that's going to require grinding now with 0 results. And your first job out of college? Well that's going to be grinding as well. You'll have to do the bullshit that the senior employees don't have to and you'll get paid far less. But you understand it's a grind.

It's the same way with everything else.

What are your passions? Do you play an instrument? Do you draw? Do you play chess? Build things? Pick something you like and get REALLY FUCKING GOOD AT IT. Practice on it for 10-20min a day instead of playing video games/watching TV. It will be a grind and will take time, but by the time you're 30 you'll be incredible skilled. That's attractive.
If all you can do is run, keep running. Running gives you a high and you can track your physical progress and improvement. It also helps with your health, which will become much more important to you in your 30s

Your confidence will come from your improvement in yourself in points 2 and 3. Creating something you're proud of, even if it's a skillet is excellent and will make you happy even if you're not getting the attention from women that you want. As you get older, women get more desperate. The odds are slowly turning in your favor every day older you get, and it's not going to stop.

Godspeed.

ChicoBrillo · 2022-01-17T16:11:06+00:00

Take the advice here with a grain of salt and listen to your therapist. You sound like you need professional help.

Ram Dass is someone who really helped me in my dark days. His book “Be Here Now” is a classic. He’s spiritual and might be off putting at first if you aren’t into meditation or eastern religion, but just let it wash over you. (He has a lot of lectures on YouTube)

It’s not all about dating and sex and validation. I recently went through a 6 month dry spell. It was due to circumstances outside of my control, and it sucked not having the dating life I wanted but you have to find inner peace before your find outer success.

You have to be ok with yourself and comfortable in your own skin. It should be everyone’s ultimate goal imo.

hookedonfonicsmunky · 2022-01-17T16:29:00+00:00

the people who say that stuff just keep getting consistently lucky, i know cuz i'm in great shape, good looking, very social and still never get shit. You have to go to a bar and hit on drunk chicks, it's the only way. I don't do it so that's why i'm in your shoes. Also people who say it comes to you when you least expect it are stupid af and just get lucky by chance, or they're women

bandsupjay · 2022-01-17T17:07:13+00:00

Brother. This is a insecurity issue. Put your self help down and look inside and ask whats causing you to feel insecure. Whatever you’re not accepting, you must accept. Then, if you grew up in a bad childhood and carry around negative beliefs, then you can remove them and try to raise self esteem. This is real confidence. Self help is bullshit. Its for people trying to navigate to problem to problem instead of looking inside and finding the real problem. You’re never gonna get somewhere with self help brother. Its only useful if you’re targeting a specific area of your life and you desperately need that help, in that area. Do the girly stuff such as raising your self esteem, accepting yourself, embracing the feminine and being comfortable with yourself, then you’ll find confidence. Only you know what you need

kodu5 · 2022-01-17T17:28:10+00:00

Set small goals at first and then once you complete those move on to bigger things. Your confidence might return quicker than you think and you can skip a few steps.

Muscle memory is a thing. Muscle doesn’t go away, just needs to be filled back up with diet and exercise.

Dunno about the balding thing.

Yeyinbank · 2022-01-17T19:07:42+00:00

Listen! You need to socialize. It would help find suitable bars where the ratio is good. You need to watch online mentors like Julian Blanc, Owen Cook, Todd V. You need to go up to girls and accept that you will get rejected. If you go out and the first girl leaves, you don’t call it a night open more girls. It might take weeks. It might take months. Eventually, you will not care about the outcome of the interaction, and paradoxically that will make the girls more attractive to you. You will go from approach anxiety to flaky numbers to bad dates to good dates to girlfriend.

While you go out, talk to guys too. You will eventually meet guys you actually get along with and become friends.

If you go out and you feel like the ratio is not correct or none of the girls like you there, then just go to the next bar. It would help if you actually tried to find the suitable venues. May I ask what city you live in?

Some might say personal growth is just about getting girls. That’s obvious, but we are men, and we desire women. Besides, you posted this on r/seduction, so I’m sure being confident with girls is an area you want to prioritize. You’ll be amazed how much your attitude changes after having a good interaction with a lady.

Approach anxiety is deadly, so here is a way to conquer it. During the week, set a time to go out to a mall, target, Whole Foods, etc., anywhere with attractive young women. Your goal is to open a girl. That’s it, nothing more, nothing less. It might take you an hour walking up and down the mall. You will feel creepy, and your hands might even get sweaty. You might even walk out defeated, but you can’t give up. Go to the next place (target, Whole Foods, different malls, etc.). Remember, all you have to do is open a girl. You might not even be able to do it the first day. Just don’t give up a try the soonest day possible again. Eventually, you’ll be able to open the girls. Even if the girl tells you “eww fuck off,” don’t take it personally just acknowledge that she rejected the interaction and not you. Because maybe if all of you met via work or social group, all of you get along great. Making cold approach is for you to accept rejection and not be outcome dependent. Once the weekend comes you need to go to the right venue and do night game. Your results will be way better because during the week your practiced. Trust me that’s what I did and now when I go out I end up getting 2-3 numbers and even guys come up to me asking to be my friend because they see how my set go. Keep in mind I’ve only been doing this for a month.

I stayed because during Christmas shopping I saw a girl at the mall and my immediate thought was “I’m not good enough “ I told myself there is nothing I can give this girl. I’m not rich and I’m not muscular enough. She would never go for a guy like me. When I was coming down stairs form the second floor I saw a guy who was smaller than me go up to the same girl and asked for her number and she gave it to him. I could of taken this two ways. 1) I’m a looser and I will never be confident. 2) I’m going to take this as a sign and approach girls all throughout the year because one year form now I don’t want to be in the same mindset.

Which option do you think I took

5_7pickup · 2022-01-18T01:33:45+00:00

I know how you feel, maybe not at the same magnitude.

The only way your life can change for the better is through action.

My dating life was pretty nonexistent 5 months ago. Then I started cold approach and now I an abundance of women in my life.

Refer to my field reports in my post history.

Jdaddyk07 · 2022-01-17T16:20:30+00:00

“So, actually, therefore the course of wisdom, what is really sensible is to let go. Is to commit oneself, to give oneself up and that is quite mad. So, we come to the strange conclusion that in madness lies sanity.”

rich_god · 2022-01-17T22:05:59+00:00

There are some great advices here, I just want to add something : it seems you're forcing yourself into a life that isn't yours because you feel it's the only way to get results. You don't have to be someone else, you really don't.

I don't go to bars or clubs, I barely ever drink alcohol, I'm really not that social (like I never ever cold approach or anything like that), I'm naturally introvert and hate to talk in loud places, I'm short, not specially good looking, and while I take care of my body I don't go to the gym or anything, and am skinny too. I have cheap clothes that usually other people gave me or that I found, I don't have much money (enough that it's not a source of anxiety tho) and not even a driver licence. I'm also in my mid 20's.

Despite that, I have an abundance of pretty girls that I have sensual or sexual interactions with, I'm in a beautiful (open) relationship with the most beautiful girl I've ever met, and I don't ever chase any girl (and if I do, I stop and learn from it), I let the interactions happen organically. I'm not trying to brag or anything, because it's really at the reach of anyone : you need to find who you are and be that person instead of the shitty story you're telling yourself of the person you think you should be. It doesn't work. Stop with the bullshit that you don't succeed because you're bald or skinny or introvert, or that you need to "work on yourself". You're not yourself, there is nothing to work on.

What do you like, what do you want to live, what are the people you want to meet, what inspires you, where does you creativity shine, what are the topics that you can discuss for hours, what do you do for other people naturally, what are your talents ? In other world, what is your mission on this planet ? Once you go in the right direction and actually express your true self, I can assure you you will become magnetic. Because when you find yourself, you don't need anyone or anything, you have already everything inside. And even better than that, you will attract the people that match with you. Today in my life I often have people (generally girls) proposing to meet that I just met once 6 months or one year before (and we only talked that time). Because during that short discussion we recognised each other, we shared something unique and powerful, and we don't forget. That is the power of authenticity, and that can only comes if you're living your own life.

So "work on yourself" can mean many different things. In your case that means stop believing your excuses, stop pretending, stop lying to girls that it's not your first time, stop seeing the same exact friends that bring nothing into your life but distraction, remove all the shit you put in your life because of how you think people will perceive you, and whether they will like you or not. Find the silence, the nothingness (with meditation for example), and let what is real emerge. Let your true desires guide you, allow your feelings to flow trough you, your true creativity to arise, the love that you are to pour into the world. Offer your real self to the world, because your people are waiting for you. Your tribe, your future wife, your children, everyone that will love you in the future, they are waiting for you to stop this bullshit and dive into your life, into truth, into real connection.

It was longer than expected. If you have questions that arise, or confusion, even in months from now, you can also contact me by PM.

I wish you the best.

Chicagoj1563 · 2022-01-17T17:34:10+00:00

There is one simple thing you are probably not doing. You are not going out regularly and learning how to communicate better. You aren't really working on yourself. Your just reading books and getting stuck in your head about everything. You need to go out and interact with people. You need to take social risks and learn from each interaction. You need to make adjustments and improve. And take a positive care free attitude about it all. Its just being social and having fun at the end of the day.

Your focus right now is internal while you try to 'figure it out' logically. Your just going to be in your head and never address the actual issue. I would think a therapist would tell you this. But, you need to go out and practice. Not just think about these social issues and consume more books on the subject.

One a side note, you had mentioned you had an injury that kept you from staying in shape. Keep in mind that inflammation is a very real thing and could be your issue. Think of it as pain you feel just like with any injury, but its chronic. But, you can reduce or eliminate it with quality cardio and good nutrition. If you haven't tried this, try it out for a few weeks. Plan on every other day, and give it your best effort. re-rest your injuries afterwards to see if they subside. Medical professionals don't always catch inflammation. But, if your in pain, try regular cardio just to see if it cures the pain.

thelambofdeth · 2022-01-17T16:38:54+00:00

Tbh plastic surgery or getting rich

Hr_Art · 2022-01-17T19:39:04+00:00

Bro there is no magic trick or things like this. I don't have advice as to how to "work on yourself" and this bullshit that is trendy right now. I suggest you to try new things, new sports, new cities, new activities. Try traveling alone somewhere you don't know, discovering new cultures, new people... and we'll all make it brah

random_dude · 2022-01-17T19:52:48+00:00

Hey man, you're showing some reasonable awareness of where you are at in the world. That's a good start. I've found being part of a men's group very valuable in helping me "work on myself" and build out from. Check it out (there are online options and in-person in some cities): https://samuraibrotherhood.com/

Melodic_Score_1950 · 2022-01-17T19:54:46+00:00

Brother, you're trying too hard. I see you have some insecurities about your looks. but sincerely speaking even fat bald ugly guys get chics. it depends on your personality solely. Just give up trying on getting girls, do what you enjoy doing, live your fullest, try to enjoy each moment fully. be confident in what you have. I know easier said than done but try to work on being confident. You are cool. You have a vibe. People enjoy that vibe and they want to be around you. But most importantly you are satisfied and happy. So by not chasing after girls, you'll find the perfect woman you need. If you don't I'll personally fuck life for you.

Ok_Combination_1831 · 2022-01-17T20:03:27+00:00

I’m in the exact same situation. 23 years old too. Don’t know what to do. First goal is to get lean and muscular so that my body insecurity is at least gone. Can’t change my face tho.

ctmsansei · 2022-01-17T22:09:54+00:00

what do you lack the most? you say you are alone, try to meet a sports group, maybe badminton, soccer, etc you will do excersice, make friends and feel less alone, try something new and get a new experience and new stories, etc

so yeah, right now try to enjoy yourself and your life without girls.

Phoenix-King77 · 2022-01-17T22:40:38+00:00

I read like half but optiomize your appearance. For dating apps you have to take really really good pictures. So either get a friend you tryst to help you or you hire a professional

Care a lot lot about how you look. Like every little thing from style to facial hair you should be taking care of. Learn to read choosing signals from girls also. When you go out the goal should not be to get girls but rather have a good time. And if a girl is choosing you like looking at you or always in your area then you approach

GroundbreakingBus138 · 2022-01-18T01:25:31+00:00

Be honest with yourself...be yourself....only pick friends and girlfriends if they are going to make you better .so many people are afaid of being alone so they settle for any idiot.

RedEyeBlackEye1 · 2022-01-18T02:40:36+00:00

throwaway916933 · 2022-01-18T13:41:03+00:00

Go to nightclubs

Title	[deleted by user]
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	111
Comments	55
Date	January 17, 2022 4:05 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/s67g1d/deleted_by_user/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/deleted-by-user.1268849 https://theredarchive.com/post/1268849

Comments