I literally cannot approach a girl

M4verick87 · 2017-03-09T17:43:12+00:00

Listen, I'll give you the best advice that you will EVER get.

I have an amazing woman in my life and she loves me, because I love myself.

Did you catch that? I love myself and I'm not talking about narcissistic behavior. What I mean is that I have a well rounded life, with balance, friends, activities and dreams.

Women fall in love with your persona and the context in which it exists. So, my advice to you is to live and move out of your comfort zone sometimes. The world is at your fingertips my friend, you just have to reach out and grab it. Go find things to do, explore, chat, experience and just live.

You only have one life; a little blip, so don't waste it on worrying about why you can't do something. The answer is that you could have approached 100 women at that party, but you chose not to. It's a type of fear, just like how some people can't pee when someone is next to them at a urinal. It's not real, it's all in your head. You need to choose whether to give into fear or to take life head on.

Start thinking logically. You want to get A, but you can't initiate A, because you are afraid B will occur when A occurs. A= women B=whatever fears you have

So, deal with your fears. Write them down, make a list and think about how to overcome each one.

zbf · 2017-03-09T19:05:59+00:00

Give a buddy 100 dollars. If you dont approach they keep it. If you approach 5 for the night you get it back.

1z1z2x2x3c3c4v4v · 2017-03-09T19:10:23+00:00

This worked for me, it should work for you:

Go and find a place where the kinda girls you like are. Find some girls, average, cute, plain, and just approach them. All of them.

Make Eye Contact, Smile, and just say "Hey...I saw you sitting here and just wanted to come over and say hi...what is your name?" [she gives name] "Great, well I don't want to hold you up...have a great day..."

Just do that for starters. Do it like 10 times. You will see, almost all of them will offer their name, and then you just close and walk away.

There is no pressure here for a number close, no risk of her rejecting you.... Do this and you will quickly build up your confidence in your ability to just open a girl... This is super easy. You just Open, ask for name, and close. Focus on eye contact and smile. Thats it, its so easy.

Once you can do that, then find 10 more girls, open them, only this time, find something interesting about them, something they are holding, wearing, or doing. And ask them about that like this: Make Eye Contact, Smile, and just say "Hey...I saw you sitting here and just wanted to come over and say hi...what is your name?" [she gives name] "Great, hey...thats a nice leather jacket...where did you get it..." or "hey, i love your hair color, what is the name of that color?..." or "hey, I see you are reading John Grisham...did you read the Runaway Jury?"

Simply said, you ask her something about her, you compliment something about her, but not her looks, not yet. Then you close and leave. Again, no risk here, you already understand the significance of Eye Contact and a Genuine Smile, now you focus on observing her, and commenting on something about her, but still, no pressure for a number close or asking her out.

Learn to approach, open, and engage, and ask her about her first. Make it all about the interaction with the girls.

You can ask some of your friends to act as a wing man to motivate you and push you if needed. But you shouldn't need them, as all I am asking you to do at this point, is just open, ask for a name, comment on something interesting about her, then close.

Start with this. I 100% guarantee you, this is easy to master, and will lead to bigger and better things, once you just get over the AA.

P.S. Oh, and if the conversation starts to take off, you should ask her Open Ended Questions (that don't end in a Yes, No, Fine, OK, etc). "Oh that's neat, why did you do that..." "What is your explanation for that..." "OMG, how did that happen?"

And if you need to talk about anything, talk about something cute your kitten just did...

Try it. Just Open, ask for her name, and say goodbye. It will change your life!

Let me know how it goes.

Woujo · 2017-03-09T17:51:52+00:00

First of all, stop drinking and smoking cigarettes.

Secondly, stop thinking that you need to approach girls and have sex with them. Just worry about talking to people. Men, women, security guards, janitors, anybody. If you are afraid to approach directly, join a conversation circle and kind of stand there until somebody talks to you.

You are probably making the typical newb mistake of reading a bunch of shit on PUA forums and filling your head with tons of useless ideas which do nothing but weigh you down and fill you with anxiety when you actually try to do stuff.

Stop reading stuff. Stop thinking about stuff. Stop feeling like you need to meet girls or have sex with them. Just talk to epople.

Jacob_961 · 2017-03-09T18:14:15+00:00

First of all, approaching random women is hard as fuck so don't beat yourself too much. I'm 28 y/o and I still would have trouble approaching random women in a bar, especially alone.

Go with all your wings and approach in groups. As in you and 3 of your wings makes a 4 set of your own. Open other sets collectively and get the hang of it until your comfortable opening sets on your own.

You really have to believe the set will open. Otherwise, it won't open. You need a high level of confidence and belief in yourself that you can attract the girl. Otherwise, you won't even let yourself approach.

thecowninja · 2017-03-10T09:11:39+00:00

Lots of good advice and vibrations in this thread. I'd like to toss something your way and see what happens. If it helps, I'm not a smooth-talking player, or pick up artist, or anything like that. I'm just a dude like everybody else. You mentioned smoking cigs to calm your nerves. Sounds like you have approach anxiety (I and many others have this too, so don't feel like you're alone or there's anything wrong). That said:

Make a game of it. Literally. I think it works better with friends, but I've done this solo for shits and giggles.

I'm a nerd, and I have many nerdy friends. One of our hobbies is ye olde Dungeons and Dragons. Now, if you've heard of DnD, then you should know about the sacred D20, the twenty-sided die. In DnD success or failure is often decided by how high or low the D20 lands. We decided to apply similar mechanics to approaching.

The rules are simple: First, you "roll for initiative." Whoever rolls lowest has to go first, and subsequent turns follow lowest-to-highest (counter to DnD proper, but w/e). The person who rolled highest picks an "NPC" - someone to talk to, for you. If you're alone, then skip these steps and continue below.

One an NPC is chosen, roll the D20 again. The result determines your "charisma." A 20 is akin to the machismo alpha male (I personally ask myself "What would Johnny Bravo do?" but your mileage may vary). A 10 is basically your normal self. A 1 is super-autismo and beyond. Anything in-between is up to interpretation. Whatever the roll is, the objective is to just play it up to the fullest.

Finally, the approach, where the real game begins. You must say a minimum of three (3) things to the NPC, including a greeting (Hello) and a farewell (Goodbye). You're welcome to discuss with the party about what to say in the middle, but the goal is to just say something. After that you're done, mission complete.

Now here's the real fun. Did you roll super shitty against the hottest woman in the bar? Well good news, as you get to pick the target for whoever's next in initiative. Will it be the super buff bouncer? Or the ridiculously fat chick? Or another regular looking dude? The choice is yours as you get to watch your friends goof around.

Once everyone takes a turn, roll for initiative again (or relocate to a different establishment if necessary). There's no win or lose conditions other than approaching/talking to someone.

The results: What we've found is that playing helps reduce approach anxiety, as it's no longer "will I approach this person" but is "I must approach this person." Playing personally helped me become more outcome independent, because I was only planning on saying a few things before returning to the group instead of worrying about "doing it right" and/or getting laid. Meeting people and having fun with the interaction were more important than any "real" goals.

If you're already into DnD and roleplay (which you should cause it's awesome), then you can add some twists to the game. My friends and I sometimes include the "social skills" from DnD: namely Bluff, Diplomacy, and Intimidate. Bluff is trying to make the NPC believe a lie. Diplomacy is making the NPC agree/consent with what you're saying (like a persuasive argument). Intimidate is acting tough (including, but not limited to arm wrestling, high-fiving harder than the NPC, drinking races, or other "physical" challenges). These are entirely optional, just something that naturally evolved from the base game after playing a while.

Take it or leave, and best of luck in your future endeavors. And remember, above all else, that you are the prize.

am1dha · 2017-03-09T21:09:35+00:00

Hey Dude, It's okay - if you can't approach now it's fine, when we all got into game. We couldn't approach either, but just the fact you're ready to take action....is great thing in itself. You're currently angry but guess what soon that anger will push you to take action and then you're ready for the hardship and fun ride of game. Anger is fine , get more angry....You're on verge of taking action and it will happen - i promise you. Just do one thing, keep turning up on playground. Good luck :)

DiViNiTY1337 · 2017-03-09T21:56:07+00:00

What I think your problem was, was that you were waiting for that magical feeling of motivation and euphoria and happiness that would have made you go up and talk to one beautiful girl after the next, almost like you can't stop yourself. Does that ring a bell? Was that what you were waiting for?

Then let me tell you something. That's not happening. That's never happening, when you start out. It's gonna be scary shit, you'll be lightheaded, pulse will sit happily at 140bpm and there's nothing you can do about it. Except approaching. No amount of reading seddit, or meditation, or whatever it may be, except just powering through those shitty emotions and approaching, not matter how cringeworthy it's gonna be. But once you do? Boy oh boy, it only gets easier and easier by every single approach.

Garthanthoclops · 2017-03-09T17:56:36+00:00

Similar to what M4verick87 said....you need to put less pressure on yourself to talk to women. I used to have similar problems. Not as drastic as yours, but I couldn't talk to women easily. Eventually I stopped giving a shit about that. When I went out, it's because I wanted to go have fun with some friends, but because I was trying to pick up or talk to girls. If you focus on yourself, everything else comes more easily.

bamboosamurai · 2017-03-09T21:38:10+00:00

Take a bootcamp, it literally changed my life

Jack__Knife · 2017-03-09T21:43:57+00:00

Your goal is not to look for sex or a woman but merely to look for and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.

recyclablebanthas · 2017-03-10T02:13:10+00:00

It's 4am here and I'm fucking distraught because I came back from a uni party with like 1000 people in the venue and I didn't talk to a single girl.

First off, most people go through this sort of thing, at some point in their life.

Secondly, you apparently DID talk to people, right? You specify that you didn't talk to girls. But if you talked to ANYone, then you were engaging in the foundation that is much overlooked by guys here at times: socializing. That's all seduction really is. Socializing.

I drank way too much to get any sort of liquid confidence but it didn't work and even though I'm not a regular smoker, I found myself smoking cigarettes by myself to calm me down.

You were self-medicating instead of facing the real issues. Most people do that at some point. That's a very human thing.

The issues are basically all coming from your mindset. The amount of pressure you put on yourself through unrealistic thought patterns, is probably at a ridiculous level. There is a mind-body connection, and so when negative thought patterns are on loop in your head, you actually change your own brain chemistry, and create behaviors that become a self-fulfilling prophecy. All that worrying you were doing, was ironically creating behaviors in you that drove people away.

But the awesome thing is that you DO have control over your thoughts. You can exert your willpower over the thoughts that generate in your head. You can exert your willpower to examine your thoughts and fact check them. Which you should do because what's happening is that you're allowing some irrational thoughts to run on repeat and fuck you over.

I used to have the same thing and it got so bad that I could become physically paralyzed in social situations. Like I literally couldn't move. And then I started the long road of fighting and overwriting the negative thought loops I had. It started with anger and frustration that my own brain was against me. I channeled that into the motivation to police my own thoughts better, to become more mindful of what my own brain was doing.

Maybe it might start in a similar place for you.

I still couldn't approach any girls and I'm feeling sooooo down right now.

Look, a party, in your situation, was probably the most contrived and ridiculous thing to go to. Also, you are probably creating such an unrealistic standard to meet, in your own definition of "approaching." It might seem like this thing where you make the whole world stop for some girl. When really, you can do plenty of opening, especially at a party, without having to literally "approach" people. All you have to do is make eye contact with someone and make a comment and you've opened without having to do some grand "approach."

This image you might have of a guy walking up to a girl, isn't the only way. It's ONE way. You could be standing in line and say something to someone. SO many situations lead to you being next to people, close enough to talk to them. Start with the easy ones. Guys and girls you aren't interested in. That's how you warm up.

I've been looking at the Good Looking Loser 1 month program ( to ease yourself into night game) and even though the tasks are simple enough, I can't fucking do it.

Nothing's wrong with you. Why don't you start with the low hanging fruit? Join a social group that meets regularly and has a mixed membership of girls and boys. A lot of informal groups like that have Facebook groups that post events.

Social partner dancing. Tango, Lindy-hop, Blues dancing, Salsa, West Coast Swing.
Couchsurfer meets.
Hash runs. (You don't even need to run. A lot of people meet up and hike the trail together.)

tannerspanner · 2017-03-10T06:48:39+00:00

There's a lot of comments about loving yourself first but really, I don't think that's your problem. You're problem is that you are going to loud parties with 1000 people in them. There's no possible way you will meet any sort of reasonable woman or even a one night stand that isn't nuts in a situation that NEVER happens in any other situation. Do you know what the most un-sexy thing in the world is? Talking to a girl who has to constantly pay more attention to her drink because she's worrying about everyone around her drugging while you two scream a casual conversation at eachother and you have to get shoved around by guys that smell like hobo breath and can't operate a baseball hat properly. (The brim goes forward, Limpbizkit)

Now, I'm not saying you should pick up some random girl in the grocery store or go charging into asking out the hottest girl you know on a one on one date unless you like your balls metaphorically crushed to dust. But pick a girl you like, invite her, her friends AND your friends out to a pub where they don't require rape straws in their drinks. You're going to find talking through five minutes of awkward conversation to something more meaningful much less frustrating than marrionetting her limp wasted body out of a frat party at one am.

You don't need a Good Looking Loser month long program because you're not a loser and any program that has the word "loser" in the title probably isn't really going to do anything for your self esteem.

Don't be fooled. Not everyone but you is getting laid. It just fucking feels like it when you're not. Good luck!

crushplanets · 2017-03-10T17:46:32+00:00

One simple change I made has eliminated my approach anxiety. I approach to simply see how they are doing. I say 'Hi, how's your night going" There is no pressure with this question. There is no rejection from this question because you aren't trying to get something from them, and your not trying to impress them. You are just curious if they are having fun. This generally leads to some nice banter, introductions, and so on, without any pressure. If you find out you are vibing, then continue, if not then, you just say it was nice to meet you, without any concern in the world.

TonyDAbsolute · 2017-03-09T21:26:19+00:00

Hire a coach

Overnight_Delivery · 2017-03-10T00:20:06+00:00

Allow yourself to fail. You're a lot farther and closer to the goal than you think.

a_terrible_sound · 2017-03-10T03:34:18+00:00

Have you tried approaching guys?

Janemba_Corvalis · 2017-03-10T03:59:06+00:00

I just saw this imagine on the front page and thought it fits perfectly for you.

http://i.imgur.com/i0UZwme.jpg

You're so afraid of not winning that you're willingly being a loser. I don't mean to put it so harsh and I'm sure you're not actually a loser, but it's essentially the same situation. Go out and try to win, and you eventually will.

SkaterMan · 2017-03-10T00:01:21+00:00

Here's the thing.

Literally, you can.

There might be other things holding you back emotionally, mentally, psychologically... etc.

But physically, literally you can. Start from there. Find your weaknesses.

CibrecaNA · 2017-03-09T22:05:55+00:00

Fake the confidence. And get out of your head.

readonlyuser · 2017-03-10T01:22:05+00:00

Go with a friend/wing who can help you maintain a positive emotional state and will push you into social situations. If you can't do it alone, very some backup.

greenidiot314 · 2017-03-10T08:22:26+00:00

All this seduction bs loses its edge around 25. It looks a lot better in the movies. Sure women can be unloving, and brutal which makes guys think that screwing a bunch of hot chicks is a good alternative, but those women can also be brutal and unloving. Every option comes with a grain of salt, and since women are unpredictable it's just called "getting lucky." Kiss a leprechaun on St. Patty's day and hope for the best

ItzClobberinTime · 2017-03-10T09:09:33+00:00

practice in 1 on 1 situations not social events?

NotNormal2 · 2017-03-10T14:21:51+00:00

Do kung fu.

murvish45 · 2017-03-10T17:08:03+00:00

Question: have you ever been brutally rejected before?

I'll tell you a secret, that brutal rejection you imagine is an outlier, it rarely happens especially if you're a nice leaning guy which you seem like.

So in reality you have nothing to be afraid of. If i were you id be afraid of the regrets id have in the future

2017-03-10T22:32:08+00:00

its... easy ....when you say hi to a girl you already won....

SeedGoose · 2017-03-10T09:59:07+00:00

Once you approach people a few times you'll realise it's no big deal at all. It might be scary at first, but the challenging part is building good conversation from nothing and keeping it going.

gyendysrm · 2017-03-10T11:40:28+00:00

Its probably coz you watch porn bro. Hold your semen in for 2 weeks and then go to another party. You'll have the courage and she'll sense your masculinity. R/Nofap. This worked for me

IntrovertedBadass · 2017-03-10T05:03:34+00:00

Hey man, it sucks how you feel. I have a long and detailed post about how to build confidence and self esteem quickly. there are also tools in there to build self love. You can use thought loops to build self love too. Would you like me to post the link?

Title	I literally cannot approach a girl
Author	idkplsdontask
Upvotes	75
Comments	69
Date	March 9, 2017 5:06 PM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/5yg94y/i_literally_cannot_approach_a_girl/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/i-literally-cannot-approach-a-girl.1421534 https://theredarchive.com/post/1421534

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