35M married 12 years together 16. Two kids with another on the way. 6 feet tall 198 pounds. Been lurking for a few months. Read NMMNG, MMSLP, WISNIFG. Currently reading through the pdf of the sidebar. Working on getting back into lifting. I am going through physical therapy for my shoulder. I am exercising and have lost 30 pounds since the new year.

I am pissed. I was an original Chad. Looked like Clark Kent when I was young and had the physique too. Was the lead singer of a band. Met my wife in high school. We were each others first and only. Long story short I got pusified hard. I had no idea what that pretty little wife of mine was capable of steamrolling eighth over all my hopes, dreams, aspirations and even likable traits. I say that she steamrolled but I know it’s my fault. I recall some of the first few times we were intimate. I was an aggressive beast when we started. She told me that my intensity scared her. I was too young to realize what she meant then. I took it as her not liking it. I now see that she was afraid of how I made her feel and what I made her do. I think that was a pivotal moment because I decided to appease from that moment on.

Since then, porn addiction, alcohol addiction, weed addiction. Got as drunk captain as it gets. I was the perfect beta. High paying job, all the friends I had gone. Family relationships? GONE. Hobbies including music? GONE. Just worked my high paying job, letting her stay home with the kids funding her life dream. Never hit a dead bedroom. She always seemed willing and open in the bedroom but I was a lazy fuck and instead of training her to be my slut I turned to porn mostly. My mistake

Discovering the pill has warped my mind. I am so enraged by what I have allowed myself to become. I am so saddened by the fact that it can’t be unseen I surrendered myself to my wife outside of all the love and desire that I possessed. I have nothing for myself. I have rage because my wife took and took. 17 years of her getting what she wanted while I drank myself to death.

My emotions about this are so strong I am not sure what to do. Do I nuke it? Dan I see past the image I now have of my wife? STFU is all I can do but it’s getting hard. How do I confront her on anything? Like anything? The house is getting messy. I want to confront her. How do I do so without spewing all this newfound hatred? I adored her before and now it’s hard to look in her direction.

I know I fucked up. I know I have to get lifting quick. I am doing the PT because I don’t want to get the surgery on my rotator cuff if I can put it off so I’mm not entirely out for months. I just feel like I have been without frame for so long that I can’t even fathom being in my own.

I don’t want to rage quit but that is my strongest pull. Seriously how do I get my mind right? I started implementing assertiveness when I first started reading RP stuff and it was amazing. I want the end result of MRP but can barely see through this anger and rage.