My mom was a very strong proponent of feminism, and I feel like it played a huge part in giving me an extremely warped view of women

2011-05-17T03:32:37+00:00

Hey man, mad props for having the ability to look back on everything and acknowledge why your circumstances are what they are-- that's the first and most important step to overcoming the utter horseshit with which so many young men are being force fed in the last few decades.

Identifying the problem is the biggest part; from here on out it's just seeing "how deep the rabbit hole goes" to borrow a phrase, and finally being able to live free of the blinders our misaligned culture so often burdens us with.

2011-05-17T02:17:57+00:00

Welcome to /mensrights.

Being raised in feminist surroundings and breaking free of it is a commonality between many of us.

levelate · 2011-05-17T02:18:08+00:00

'oh jeez, is seeing that happen to her really that funny? Maybe this is why you've never been with a girl......

and she doesn't see her own hand in this?

i know it's your mother, and i'm sorry, but she truly is a feminist, she doesn't think she is responsible for anything.

FascistOrigami · 2011-05-17T02:17:43+00:00

Hey Samurai: I'm really sorry to hear about what you went through. "oh jeez, is seeing that happen to her really that funny? Maybe this is why you've never been with a girl..." is a classic feminist shaming tactic, and points to some serious emotional abuse. Obviously I don't know you or her, but she sounds like a very disturbed feminist and it's terrible that she has messed you up. Along with the shaming tactic, it is a good idea for you to learn all the common feminist rhetorical strategies, as you may be able to deprogram yourself faster if you can deconstruct your mother's core messages. I'd be happy to try to dig up a good primer on them for you if you want.

The other thing you should learn about is "Game" from the PUA's (pick-up artists). The seduction community is controversial, and people can argue about the intentions and ethics of some of their better known spokesmen, but it seems clear that their methods work. Check out http://www.reddit.com/r/seduction/.

My mother was also a feminist, but she is not as vicious as it sounds like your mother is. (Really, she is just kind of clueless.) I had a lot of problems with her growing up, but I have a good relationship with her now (I'm 42). If you wish, I'll PM you with a few of the details of how exactly I think she damaged me and my siblings. [The reason for the PM is a desire not to leave enough publicly revealing details for colleagues and family members to unequivocally identify me.]

Hope this helps...

(Edited for clarity, grammar, etc.)

xVarekai · 2011-05-17T05:39:53+00:00

This disgusts me. And the sad thing is, there are countless young boys going through this same shit right now, perhaps on a higher scale as feminism runs rampant through the media. Young boys are barraged with images and ideas and suggestions that they are what is wrong with the world. And the awful thing is, it's the exact opposite of what needs to be happening. For a mother to do so much psychological damage to her own son and feel RIGHTEOUS in her behavior is obscene.

Reconciliation won't be easy. It's hard to undo the damage that was wrought on you as a child. Confidence, as has already been mentioned in so many of these posts, is key, but it's not an easy attribute to build up. That innate sense of guilt has to be abandoned, and you have to come to terms with your masculinity. I've said it before and rantgrrl seems to agree: Women want a man who is confident, knows himself, and isn't afraid of them. I wish you luck and I hope you can step into your sense of self and find a woman who recognizes your character and shows you the same respect you show her.

iggybdawg · 2011-05-17T05:35:07+00:00

I feel for you bro. Although it wasn't my mom feeding me the ideas, I was about 20 before I realized I wasn't getting any action because of doing shit like asking permission. I was even older before I found out most girls wanted to fuck just as bad as I did.

philosarapter · 2011-05-17T14:39:52+00:00

I find it interesting that in many cases like this, the woman doesn't understand what it is like being a man, nor does she truly understand what it is that sexually attracts her. Thus these ideals of what they think masculinity is, or what it should be, are pushed onto the child. But in fact they are more or less a repression of masculinity and an expression of feminity.

But for heterosexual women, masculinity is exactly what attracts them to a man. Its evolutionarily programmed this way. So there exists this great disconnect between what women say they want, and what they actually are attracted to.

(Hence the old joke: If you want the worst advice for your girl problems, ask your female friends)

Unfortunately, this is going to take a lot of deprogramming on your part. You'll have to redefine what it means to be a man, and evolve into that. Much of the steps you'll need to take will seem almost sacriligous because of how early the programming was put in place.

I've had a similar upbringing, and I recognized it the same way many others recognized it: "jerks" were getting laid infinitely more than I was. Interesting because it goes against everything you've learned as a child, but thus the stark reality is in plain view. So you begin to emulate the jerks, and overcompensate for your 'nice-ness' which works for a while until you become too much a 'jerk', then come upon the sudden realization that its not being a jerk that gets you laid, but the confidence to do what you want, when you want.

Being a man is about being a leader, having the balls to take risks, and have goals and endeavors which are greater than women/mating.

rantgrrl · 2011-05-17T02:04:40+00:00

I did virtually everything in my power to treat girls with the utmost respect, why didn't they like me or want to hang out with me?

Treating girls like glass isn't respectful.

I'm not sure why but the absurdity of it being caught on tape just made me laugh pretty hard, and my mom's response to it was 'oh jeez, is seeing that happen to her really that funny? Maybe this is why you've never been with a girl...'

To be honest from what I'm hearing your mom sounds abusive.

You don't ladle big heaping portions of your own emotional shit onto your children.

As a five year old boy you were in no way responsible for the behavior of men who were alive before you were born (not to mention feminism seriously over states women's 'oppression' to begin with).

The reason why you're having trouble with girls is simple. You've been shamed away from having a positive male identity. Women like male confidence, it's intoxicating to find a guy who really knows himself inside out and likes himself; however feminism destroys men's confidence and sense of satisfaction in being male.

Yea well, then comes puberty; suddenly, these feelings of wanting to be the perfect gentlemen are now clashing with feelings of wanting to see these girls naked, wanted to put my cock in them, wanting to do things that i once thought disgusting acts of barbaric proportions.

Here's a tip. Women enjoy having you shove your cock in them more then they like being treated like a lady.

They say they like being treated like a lady more then a good hard fuck, but this is some sort of coy dance that the average woman thinks she has to put on to preserve her reputation.

Look up Game. Start with 'The Game' by Neil Strauss.

huntwhales · 2011-05-17T10:44:05+00:00

You don't have to say things like this:

if this isn't a good place to post a non-news article of this nature i'll remove it.

or:

Again, if a lengthy post of this nature is inappropriate for this place, I'll gladly remove it.

Downvotes will determine what is "appropriate". At least that's the idea, and it works pretty well for most subreddits.

Your story makes me sad and reminds me of my staunchly religious upbringing. How parents can raise their children thinking they know the objective truth about something (whether it's religion or feminism) is despicable if you ask me.

You should pat yourself on your back for figuring it all out so young. So many people never escape the brainwashing their parents do to them. Your upbringing will still have its effects on you, but now that you are aware it should be less of an effect.

Lovekraft · 2011-05-17T10:58:05+00:00

Welcome to the MRM.

I suggest you start by reading the essay Marriage 2.0, listening to Tom Leykis (youtube channel LVJ112) and actively commenting at sites like AVoiceforMen.com and The Spearhead.com.

We always welcome new recruits/perspectives.

btw, the reason you feel alienated because of feminism is because that is what Third-Wave feminism is all about: making maleness taboo.

ExpendableOne · 2011-05-17T15:55:01+00:00

This is just another one of the many destructive, abusive and harmful aspects of feminism. You trusted your mom to teach you right from wrong, you tried your best to be a good person and be good towards the women you cared about, you listened and believed in their woes and you valued their opinions/views; all only to realize that not only did these women have no idea what it's like to be a man(or an heterosexual man at that) but that none of them ever really cared about or respected you in the first place.

Now that you're an adult, most of them would rather see you as a disposable liability than someone worthy of understanding, empathy or kindness(let alone someone to pursue); most of them really don't understand what you're going through, and will be completely apathetic to it, because they have never had to deal with anything even remotely close to what you've had to deal with(something which they are and have always been sheltered from because of the countless privileges society grants them); most of them don't care about how hurtful/abusive they're being or how much of a double-standard it may be(especially when you consider all the entitled/feminist BS they are still being taught); and most of them would rather put you down and insult you than accept you the way you are or contemplate the privileges/power they were granted and the consequences of their actions.

I'm not sure anything will change any time soon, misandry and male disposability is all over the place and still going strong(And, don't count on feminism to get on that any time soon either). At this point there are only really two alternatives; either you redefine yourself once again based on women's expectations(By becoming this confident, assertive and dashing prince they want you to be or have convinced you you should be) or you accept yourself the way you are and hope you get lucky enough to meet some women who aren't actively contributing to that status quo.

Gui_letters · 2011-05-17T10:47:03+00:00

I was raised to be a "nice guy" because my mom was stupid enough to marry an abusive man. So she programmed me to be a pussy and emotional surrogate husband. It wasn't until I was in my 20s that I realized it was all bullshit.

pakmanishere · 2011-05-17T01:54:51+00:00

No, I was raised in a small town in a non-religious but fairly traditional blue collar family. I didn't know anything about gender issues until I started doing my own research. I've encountered many MRM with similar stories to yours, I've also encountered some pretty subservient male feminists with feminist mothers (Micah Toub, Tom Matlack)

It's just sex, you can learn some form of game while still being respectful of her and yourself. Something you might want to consider though is that nice guys are like carpet.

ignatiusloyola · 2011-05-17T13:15:37+00:00

i really don't know what to say.....i guess i'd like to apologize to all of the people i know who have advocated for men's rights in society. for so long i have held their words and opinions in such contempt in my feminist mindset, only to realize that more often than not, it is THEY who have had my own best interests in mind.

You don't owe anyone an apology - not women for the evils of (some) men, nor men for the evils of (some) women.

Be your own person now, and realize that you can treat women with respect without pandering to them. You don't have to fix anything for them, they are now responsible for themselves and can fix their own problems.

Edit: My mom wasn't a feminist, but she had been hurt by a lot of men, so I grew up somewhat similar though for different reasons. She regrets a lot of her actions now, as she sees the world differently.

anillop · 2011-05-17T15:38:58+00:00

1) Disregard everything your mom taught you 2) Make up your own mind

Your an adult now so start thinking and acting for yourself. Being bitter and angry at your mom wont help your move on with your life. Whats done is done what really matters is what you do now. Stop being afraid of women because in the end they are not so different than men except they are softer and tend to smell better.

thetrollking · 2011-05-17T16:52:14+00:00

Welcome bro. I was raised by a feminist mother too, she even sat on local NOW boards. I sort of went the opposite direction in many ways, I got into a lot of trouble and I think part of it was not being able to be good like women are and not wanting to be bad like men are, which meant I had to find a different path and through that frustration I eventually said fuck it and might as well be bad....by bad I mean what got me labelled a delinquent like skipping school and smoking weed and other petty shit.

IDK. I do find it funny that many in the MRM and PUA spheres were either once feminists themselves or were raised by feminist mothers or both.

You will probably find that many ideas you had about women were completely wrong. Look at this as a good thing, it is better to find this out online than in real life. It really blew my mind when gf after gf told me about their fantasies, and a few of these girls would rant about rape all the time, and I found out that so many women have rape fantasies. It is confusing, we tend to project and assume that other people act and think like we do and this is even worse when done between the sexes.

One of the worst things about feminism is how it is all about destroying the male cultural identity or appropriating it and colonizing it. Either way it denies men and boys from growing into their natural identity which means that many men walk around without much of a identity.

corpseflower · 2011-05-17T17:48:55+00:00

My friend, you are not alone. I too was raised by a strident, abusive feminist. For most of my life (im 37 now) I was deeply ashamed of my sexuality, and treated women like they were more highly evolved, more moral beings. You know what helped snap me out of it? Abu Gharaib. No kidding.

Seeing the pictures of women perform all the depravity that women consider the exclusive domain of men made me realize: Women do not lack the capacity for evil; They simply lack the power. Put a gun in her hand and a woman will be just as prone to evil as men are.

The other thing that helped me was sitting around, talking to my coworkers about their married life (i was too indoctrinated by my mom to have a relationship myself). Almost all of them over the age of 45 were divorced, and could not see their kids. They were speaking to the young men to teach their kids as much as they can before their wives took them away. A divorce (initiated by the wife) was considered an expected part of a man's life progression: Boyhood, teenage years, young adulthood, marriage, children being born, then the wife and children leaving forever. It was just the way life worked for men. We have to spend most of our lives alone, paying the person who took away the biggest joy in their lives.

This realization; that women not only COULD take advantage of unfair laws, but almost always DID, if the situation was in their favor, made me finally see women as the flawed, mortal, human creatures they are. Subject to all the corruptions of the soul that men are, they did not deserve special treatment or regard.

Now I am finally in a relationship (the first serious one in my life) and I am beginning to get over my resentment toward women and my shame of my own gender. This subreddit helps a LOT.

funATL · 2011-05-18T00:29:37+00:00

My stepmother was a raging feminist as well. Even worse, she's a sexual harassment and family law attorney, which means I sound like a monkey arguing my points against her. My biological mother was an engineer and manager. She was very masculine in her behavior as well.

I felt lots of cognitive dissonance interacting with girlfriends who I've wanted to hold down on the dinner table and bang mercilessly yelling "little bitch!" and "take that cock!" My mouth is watering, excuse me... Okay back to normal. OF COURSE, I could only bring myself to do this kind of thing with a few girlfriends. All other times I felt like the girl would hate me forever if I treated her like a cock-loving animal.

It's these self-loathing moments that were instilled in me by my parents, but I have resolved to fix this. There's no point in arguing with your parents and changing their minds. This accomplishes nothing other than affirmation of your beliefs about male aggression and identity. You may feel righted and correct, but it didn't fix your non-male behavior. The best thing to do is pursue girls outside of the influence of your parents and try judging girls' reactions to your saying of sexually aggressive things. Lots of fun and girls will be interested.

"Stop looking so hot in those jeans. It's distracting."

after giving you playful shit: "Do you always say this to guys you're interested in?"

"Do you have a boyfriend?" (yes) "Do you want a Man-friend?"

CaptSnap · 2011-05-17T04:13:30+00:00

Im not a psychologist but there was an article here a few months ago about some crazy attorney that was trying to remove women's studies from universities because he argued women's studies were a branch of a religion (feminism) and as such had no place in academia.

Now I cant tell you if he is right or if he is wrong, globally....but I think in your case he might be right specifically.

Here is the link and again Im not saying I agree or disagree with him but I recommend you read it for the perspective alone. (btw the case was thrown out)

I think many of feminism's agendas are now being pushed by fear and in that sense its not entirely unlike a cult.

Gui_letters · 2011-05-17T11:34:25+00:00

As opposed to recommending "The Game"by Niel, I'd recommend Blueprint. I found the talk quite the eyeopener. It deals more with why you are awesome and a deeper emotional change for yourself as opposed to dating techniques from "The Game".

It is a real shit one that you mum dumped all this on you, but not that you've recognized it, you know what you need to go fix. And don't get bogged down by any "It's too late". It's never too late.

rogersmith25 · 2011-05-18T16:17:02+00:00

Best advice: find a group of guys that are "real men" and become friends with them. Learn from them. Spend some time learning to be a man with men.

You'll figure it out.

phoneycunts · 2011-05-17T03:18:38+00:00

this is the best place to start

getting your balls back is everything.

NoSalt · 2011-05-17T14:13:09+00:00

You need to get laid. Go to Vegas, drive to The Bunny Ranch, and have fun.

mikesteane · 2011-05-17T07:09:12+00:00

In some versions of the great English myth King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table, the knights must pass through a forest. In order to do this, they separate and must all find their own paths.

No one can overcome the effects of your abusive mother for you, and you must find your own way. However, many have been there before you and their various solutions may be of benefit to you.

For myself, I found that "travel became the antidote to all my problems." (I put this in quotation marks because I heard the sentence spoken by the travel writer Ted Simon, long before I ever started travelling.) The benefits have enormously exceeded the problems I started with (different ones from yours.)

Good luck.

Michael Steane, author of Reunion Island: The Last Colony, available on Amazon Kindle

Title	My mom was a very strong proponent of feminism, and I feel like it played a huge part in giving me an extremely warped view of women
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	39
Comments	90
Date	May 17, 2011 1:49 AM UTC (15 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/hd0ti/my_mom_was_a_very_strong_proponent_of_feminism/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/my-mom-was-a-very-strong-proponent-of-feminism-and.1039806 https://theredarchive.com/post/1039806

Comments