I’m 48. I’ve been married 2x now. Looking back over the course of my life and the countless men I’ve dated and slept with (in between my marriages, I blew through men like a chainsaw at a massacre) I have finally realized that I only did so because of my terrifically low self esteem.

I was a chubby kid with super short hair (my mom made me keep it short because it was so thick and unruly) so people thought I was a boy and I was bullied endlessly. I was also taller than most and was smart with a big mouth so yeah - prime target for all the haters. And hate they did. Even adults! And all I wanted in my little girl heart was to have long flowing hair and pretty dresses and not have to shop in the “husky” section.

Fast forward to young adulthood and I had what they call a “glow up” but deep down I was still an ugly fat kid so I chased boys and had some of the worst pick me behavior imaginable. And yes, I do think that all pick me behavior stems from low self esteem.

I let all boyfriends and husbands treat me terribly - horrifically - until I didn’t. There was always that moment where I would wake up and say “Aw, fuck no with this shit”and leave. But I will say that most all of my life has been spent treating men famously while constantly being disappointed. Constantly, deeply, disappointed.

I thought I “loved” sex. I was always the Samantha of the group - always ggg, dtf, gtg lol. But I loved the validation I thought sex gave me. If a man was willing to see me naked, it meant I was okay. I was acceptable! But sex itself? I can honestly say that 95% of the sex I have had in my life has been sub par. 95%!

I left my 2nd husband about a year ago now and I haven’t tried to date and I can’t imagine ever trying to date. My friends say it’s because I have trauma - true - and that I will change my mind about dating once I go to therapy. Will I? Idk. My ex asked me last night if I was seeing anyone. He cannot get his mind around the fact that I would rather be alone - that I’m 100% fine going without sex. I told him that he broke me (he probably liked hearing that) but not in a complimentary way. I realized with him that men only want my resources. The comfort and cash and home and status that I supply. I think about being with a man now and all I can think is that he is using me. And if my track record is any indication, even if I wanted to use him back - there is no amount of usefulness he would provide to compensate for what I have on offer.

But - I’m truly sad about it. That’s the thing. I am still enchanted with the idea of romance. I do really like male energy in a weird way. I guess I’m truly straight! Lol. I’ve tried hard not to be but oh, I’m unfortunately pretty straight. But I cannot imagine getting on the apps again and being judged and perceived. I am not on the menu and I don’t want to be.

I don’t have any dating tips other than “know your worth” - don’t even try to date if you have self esteem issues. Get those handled first. Self esteem (a lack there of) is at the root of all pick me behavior. A man’s attention has no value, so don’t give him any of yours. Pay attention to yourself. I know this is no great revelation and not news but it took me 40 years to get it.

Ever since my first crush in 3rd grade.