How to self-improve as a lonely male?

Kuato2012 · 2022-12-13T19:37:54+00:00

Physical exercise. I'm not saying you have to become a gymrat and wear muscle shirts. Just do some body-weight exercises at home... Push ups, planks, dips, whatever. Even if you don't know what a "dip" is, just do a little internet research. It's not difficult to build or borrow a beginner routine.

Physical exercise has been show to be as effective as pharmacological antidepressants, and your body gets healthier as a bonus. And since you asked about attracting mates, being physically fit gives you an edge there, too.

carverchile75 · 2022-12-13T21:19:00+00:00

Exercise is good for physical health, mental health and appearance.

Learn to cook well. Women are usually pleased by my ability to make a good meal, and it's cheaper than always eating out.

Keep on top of tidying up. An organized home is good for mental health. Also, a dirty house can scare women off. Same goes for personal hygiene.

Enjoy some variety of media and/or hobbies. You can enjoy your obsessive interests if you have them, but hopefully not to the exclusion of a broader variety of topics or activities.

Get out of the house more, whether or not you socialize. A walk or a hike can improve my mental state. A movie or a ball game can get you out into public and around people without needing to interact much if you're not in a social mood. Staying occupied is good for you.

I'm personally not a big fan of therapy, but lots of people swear by it. It's worth a try if you're not happy. Lots of people swear by antidepressants as well. Talk to your doctor if nothing else helps.

p_and_q · 2022-12-13T22:46:21+00:00

In my own experience, what I thought was loneliness was actually boredom. As I filled my life with more things (working out, building a website, house hunting) even though I did many of those things alone, I didn't feel lonely. The other thing I did was celebrate small achievements. Its a simple self-pat-on-the-back but it sill helps to see things in a positive light (just get to the gym, celebrate. just go to a social event, celebrate).

I'm a cynic, so I believe that most friendships are friendships of convenience. I have a small group of ex-coworkers I hang out with, but its rarely and only because we are all in the area and don't have other friends either. What I'm trying to say is that it's okay to build shallow relationships too. Sometimes those relationships become deep. Sometimes its just good socializing practice.

LoveTheGiraffe · 2022-12-13T20:33:36+00:00

If you are in university or something similar, there are interest groups and clubs (like bookclubs etc) you can join. I've met great friends this way!

SailSignificant5812 · 2022-12-13T20:42:46+00:00

Hobbys are the best way to find new people as you get older. Don't focus on women, find a social circle where you are comfortable.

Start making routines for yourself in regards to self care (skincare, grooming, sports, mental health, time for yourself ) this will boost your confidence over time.

Check if your job is making you happy, I changed my employer 6 years ago it was the best decision of my life it really sets the mood for your daily life. It doesn't have to be a grand change sometimes a better atmosphere is enough.

International_Crew89 · 2022-12-14T02:25:16+00:00

Lots of good advice here. The physical workouts and therapy didn't do shit for my mood, but hey, everybody is different. The thing that worked best for me has been hobbies or other activities that involve other people. (For me, D&D, academic study groups when I was in school, organized sports groups like archery tag, and hanging out with coworkers even when I wasn't particularly interested in the activities). Getting to know how to socialize with folks in general is usually a good path to feeling better/more confident about yourself, and from there you have a better chance at making lasting relationships.

Kakatheman · 2022-12-14T04:33:36+00:00

I volunteered for a left wing party during an election campaign. It helped me ease back into the job market after not working for a year and definitely helped with getting jobs and yeah loneliness too.

kooky_kabuki · 2022-12-13T21:32:02+00:00

Not sure about OPs circumstances, but what helped me when I was in my worst place in my mid 20s, was changing my living conditions. I was more or less living alone, I managed a move into a sharehouse with an interesting and social group of people around my age, and suddenly I was socialising with people, outside of work, everyday. That did wonders for my self esteem.

I never want to go back to sharehouse living now, especially such a large sharehouse, but at the time it was everything

hotpotato138 · 2022-12-13T22:17:58+00:00

I agree with others about joining clubs and having hobbies. You just have to talk to people.

HogurDuDesert · 2022-12-13T19:15:51+00:00

Those are only piecemeal advices tbh, but I guess it's a start!:

-Therapy (depending on which country you are and your situation): if you feel so lonely, there's good chances you're depressed, so therapist is a good start. Make sure to shop around, it takes time to find someone with whom you click. And at the very least it gives you someone to vent to.

-hobbies: is there anything you enjoy doing? Can you maybe put up a plan to master that skill further? Getting better and better at what you like doing will help you with your self confidence.

try somethg new: this is both to help you feel like your moving forward in life but will give you the occasion to meet new people(women) at the same time.

MelissaMiranti · 2022-12-13T19:12:41+00:00

Spend time reading books on an interest you have. Do that reading in public spaces to increase the chance of someone talking to you, but that's not the important part. The important part is to become an interesting person with things to talk about. And the best way to become that person is to have an interest that's genuine to you.

seraph341 · 2022-12-13T22:31:54+00:00

Honestly? I'd say it depends on your circumstances and who you are.

In a very general basis I would say hobbies, fitness, learning skill and developing interests. It's hard to tell but that's generally a good start.

I'd also highly recommend therapy for self discovery and for the sake of your well being, loneliness takes quite a toll.

So who are you buddy? Where are you in life right now and where do you want to be?

BKEnjoyer · 2022-12-14T01:58:30+00:00

Exercise and try to keep busy at any way, I’m in the same boat as you and I suck at doing what I have to say as advice but it’s what others have told me. Also try to be more outgoing if you are comfortable with meeting new people and all of that.

You can also try therapy and read some self-help books, especially ones about self esteem and confidence like I’ve tried (though again I suck at applying it all)

Fancy-Respect8729 · 2022-12-13T19:41:17+00:00

It's liberating. The world's your Oyster. Think of it like a blank canvas and you are the artist of your future life.

Waratah888 · 2022-12-13T23:42:50+00:00

Exercise

Sky time

Hobbies,(2 or 3 various. Clay target shooting, golf, bush walking, restoring antique tools, cake decorating)

Volunteering ( fire fighting, rescue, animal shelter, homeless shelter, type of things)

Read

Travel

Hold the door open for people behind you.

austin101123 · 2022-12-14T04:08:20+00:00

This very much depends on what you are lacking that is making you lonely and what is causing it, as that is different for different people.

SubstanceAcademic813 · 2022-12-13T18:51:09+00:00

In my opinion Gay Science by Nietzsche is good for learning how to build one’s character to achieve whatever they want to do as an individual. In particular section 290 is a good place to start but there is a lot of good help in that book in understanding yourself and your life and therefore how to use the resources one has to make the best of it.

DeliciousMadame84 · 2022-12-14T01:32:32+00:00

First, use 'men' instead of 'males'. The latter demeans men by reducing them to medical anatomy. You are a person and more than your body.

Second, identify who in your life values you as a human being. When your time is taken up by people you want to be around and who actually value you, then it can get to a point where you feel like you have the opposite problem of loneliness.

Finally, to meet new people, ask the people in your life if they know of any local events. If you genuinely have nobody in your life who values you, which happened to me, then create a list of events you're possibly interested in and go down the list.

My rule of thumb when looking for people or communities is 'active kindness':

Everyone helps each other.
There is mutual respect as equal human beings.
Your wants and needs are viewed as valid and beautiful
People make a concerted effort to make you feel welcome.

This analogy is a bit cliche now, but it might help you:

A bottle of water at Costco is $0.25.

The same bottle in the supermarket is worth about $0.50.

The same bottle in a bar costs $2.

In a good restaurant or hotel it can be worth up to $3.

At an airport or on the plane, you may be charged $5.

The bottle and the brand are the same, the only thing that changes is the place. Each place gives a different value to the same product.

When you feel like you are worth nothing and everyone around you belittles you, change places, do not stay there.

Have the courage to change places and go to a place where you are given the value you deserve. Surround yourself with people who really appreciate your worth.

The analogy is an extension of the Paramecium Principle.

CompetitiveOwl2 · 2022-12-18T11:54:17+00:00

My basic formula is essentially have a hobby at home and a hobby out of the house, take care of yourself physically (healthy weight, reasonable level of fitness and good hygiene) and do something social at least once a week.

So for your hobby at home it could be taking 20 minutes a day to work at a language or on an instrument or getting into chess.

Out of the house you could go to the gym, a sports club, a wine club, do pub quizzes/trivia nights etc literally anything that takes you out of the house and involves an activity to focus on. You can use this to expand your interests if you want or it could just be taking an interest you already have into a more social circle. The benefits here are that it's social without the awkwardness of just hoping someone can get a conversation going, the activity can fill gaps in conversation and helps with awkward silences etc. If you take up a new hobby for this "slot" you also have more things to talk about with new people you meet.

For the something social part I am of the opinion that putting yourself into a situation which is entirely about socialising in some way is worthwhile. When I was at university the chaplaincy did cheap lunches and dinners and you'd just get sat in random groups and your options were basically eat in silence or talk to people. My friend was in the surfing club and we would go to their social evenings together. Of course outside of university this isn't so easy so you could overlap this with yet another out of the house hobby. So say you like pub quizzes, great! But once you have your team it doesn't push you very much socially so maybe also take a dance class once a week, go on different nights if they have beginner classes available more than once a week.

Taking care of your home, body and health is fundamentally about self respect. In fact, all of this is about making a life you actually like and want to live. Being interested is interesting so if you're living a life you give a damn about and you're looking after yourself and have your life generally together that will make you more appealing to others but don't do it for them.

I apologise for being long winded but it was my hope that if I gave my reasoning then you'd be able to apply the general idea to your own situation and think up your own ideas.

V4UncleRicosVan · 2022-12-20T03:13:57+00:00

There’s good advice here. One thing I think is missing to work on being a better partner. Even if you haven’t met the person you want to marry yet doesn’t mean you can’t work on how you relate to others. It could be working on being a better friend, team mate, coworker. It could also be willing to go on more dates (or starting more conversations) than normal and treating them as a learning experience to build confidence.

hendrixski · 2022-12-21T12:12:50+00:00

Ironically, it's when you're not lonely that you usually find a partner. So join a book club, or a board game club, or a running group, or a church choir, or whatever you enjoy doing. Be social not lonely and that makes you more attractive.

Title	How to self-improve as a lonely male?
Author	Gab0802
Upvotes	70
Comments	33
Date	December 13, 2022 8:09 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/LeftWingMaleAdvocates
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/LeftWingMaleAdvocates/comments/zkqdgq/how_to_selfimprove_as_a_lonely_male/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/LeftWingMaleAdvocates/how-to-self-improve-as-a-lonely-male.1144044 https://theredarchive.com/post/1144044

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