If you had 5 years to plan for divorce…

dday_throwaway3 · 2023-01-09T03:00:19+00:00

I'd go back in time and tell myself to divorce today instead of waiting for the kiddo graduates high school. Spending 5 years in a marriage that's miserable sounds like hell.

I initiated my divorced 5 years ago. My only regret is not doing it sooner.

JustTheSpecsPlease · 2023-01-09T03:15:22+00:00

Had I known what was coming, I would have cashed in options, changed jobs, shut down every penny of debt, and slowly sold “marital assets” (I had a LOT of rural equipment - tractor, attachments, work vehicles, trailers, etc.) for cash. I also wouldn’t have busted my ass to remodel a house out of pocket.

I would have also insisted that my ex start actually working instead of chasing foolish hobbies disguised as a fledgling business, and documented those conversations.

At trial, my willingness to indulge her flights of fancy, along with my shouldering every single penny of our existence so she could do so had corrosive effects on my financial well-being post divorce.

No kids, so my situation is different, but if you have the benefit of foresight, going into bombshelter mode financially, from my perspective, is the best thing you can do.

Edit: forgot this one

Do a very thorough selection of lawyers using the cash from the sale of equipment listed above.

Theedon · 2023-01-09T06:02:17+00:00

Talk to a therapist and learn about the emotional effects it will have on me and how to deal with them.
Stop spending money and become a miser. In preparation to offer her a lump sum of cash for her interest in the family home.
Start an affair and finally get laid. Why wait 5 years. The bedroom was dead.
Say no to all the home remodeling projects she asked for (it was a fuck ton).
Send my Oldest kid to a local University.
Offer to settle with mediation because I wouldn't have been served divorce papers when I had pneumonia and was on state disability aid from work. Her failure to reply to my request to do so lead to a Family Law Lawyer and wasted resources.
Change the automobile titles to "and" not "or" so she couldn't sell the car without me being there.
The moment I saw she purchased a gun, I would have listed the house for sale and moved out. I am pro 2A but she claimed it was for a friend. Thos was a few weeks after she said she wanted a separation. I went to the dealer that sold her the gun and there was no transfer paperwork to the new owner. Rules are strict about who pays for a gun and takes ownership of it and how to transfer ownership to another person in CA. This ended my trust with her.
I would have started storing cash with a trusted friend.
Days before getting served papers I would have locked down my credit accounts.
Stopped paying bills for her. She kept funds from customers that paid cash out of the joint account. I found $20k in a bank account for my son in the discovery part of the divorce. She claimed it was her mother's life savings.
Stop maintaining the yard and other things. No more Handyman tasks.
I would have filed the moment I realized she was going to divorce me in 5 years.

But the thing is. I had no idea. Sure we had issues in the bedroom but I did my best to work with her. I tried to make her comfortable. I wanted to be a good Husband, Friend and Father for my Family. Even to the bitter end before she moved out I was trying. The list above is just mean and spiteful stuff said in hopes it will make me feel better. I doesn't. But the financial stuff, do that.

Maybe I should have said. "I am sorry you feel this way. Let's do our best to end the marriage as peaceful as possible. The children will need help. I hope you find the happiness you are looking for."

Dangerous_Item_6879 · 2023-01-09T03:40:54+00:00

Stash the cash.

Don’t spend money on stupid shit that has no resale value.

Speak to an attorney NOW to find out what the difference would be for alimony if you did it now vs later.

Gattsama · 2023-01-09T03:44:49+00:00

Divorce sooner. That's the bottom line. Just have another 5 years of peace, and would stack cash after the divorce. But I think the answer to the question your trying to ask would be:

Make eX get job. Do not work any extra shifts and if possible start working part time. Don't pay a penny of debt off. Continue to take bomb ass trips all over the world.

But again, thr real answer is I would just get out sooner. Life is short, and time is finite. I had to pay out nearly everything I've saved and acquired to terminate the marriage. And my outlook is that's fine. The system is the system, I chose to marry her and I chose to stay. I am willing to pay the price for freedom. I make excellent money so I'll make it all back in 2-3 years, but a 5 year earlier start sounds good.

upvotersfortruth · 2023-01-09T05:01:41+00:00

5 years is too long to plan for something that will take a year (or two on the outlier) to resolve. Nonetheless:

Establish myself as the primary caregiver of the kid through copious documentation and record keeping
Build up my warchest
See a lawyer for state specifics and act accordingly
Make sure stbx is working
Never let the stbx see it coming

CB33isGMC · 2023-01-09T14:50:28+00:00

Hide. Your. Assets. The court basically takes your word for it regarding your assets and your spouse has to be able to prove otherwise.

I married one of these independent, professional “boss chicks” and she was very comfortable with keeping our finances separate during the marriage (so I would have no input on how her money was spent). I was perfectly fine with this arrangement and money was never an issue between us.

Well, come divorce time I started to realize she’d greatly underestimated what I had accumulated over the years (money, investments, and physical assets). I gave her EXACTLY what she asked for in the settlement and made over like a fat rat.

MNCPA · 2023-01-09T04:01:02+00:00

Where will you be in 5 years? You will be 5 years older. Will you be in the same situation or better? That's really the question. It sucks. Pull the band aid off now or in 5 years?

Assets. Do you trust your kid or have someone else that you trust? Gift them assets which would subtract from the marital assets. Full college fund to kid? You got it.

Alimony is something to consider. Is your income significantly above or below your partner? Do you need to go part-time for a few years to take care of a sick relative?

Lastly, your emotional and mental health. Is it worth waiting 5 years?

Above all....don't say "divorce" to your partner unless you are serious. The risk of loss can change people.

treborcj · 2023-01-09T13:16:28+00:00

5? I raise you 10. Because that is when I decided that we will get a divorce. I waited for an opening and didn't fight it once she cheated again. The AP wanted her to divorce quickly. She agreed to 50/50 with the kids , no spousal support and no child support. I have 3 kids.

Divorce took about 60 days. 2 months later she married him.

What did she get it from it. 2 more kids and another divorce. She lives with some guy for the past 2 years because she was tired of being broke all the time. It still didn't change her situation, she is still broke.

It has been almost 8 years. My life has been awesome. I bought a house before all the crazy prices (I could not bring myself to buy a house with her). No more kids for me. Found a great woman. I travel. It just keeps getting better and better. 2 out of the 3 kids are grown, and youngest in high school. I actually have savings!

I realize I won the lottery. Do I wish I divorced earlier or never got married? Not sure.... I love my life right now and not sure any of this would have happened if I didn't go through what I went through.

I am the exception not rule. I am grateful everyday.

Dad2Greatkids4ever · 2023-01-09T14:36:58+00:00

I have been working on my plan for 14 years. Have stalled and been tricked that it would be different but it never changed. I am down to my last two years as my yougest is turning 19 and I promised my self I would stick around until they were both over 21. Why - becuase I can be there and balance out the nasty woman who is their mother. I can tell them that it's not them when she flies off the handle at them ( and me) for the simpliest thing. I also can afford to help them with college ( I don't have the extra expense of supporting two house holds).

I am patient and looking forward to a life with out her. I have sacrficed my happiness for my kids. It is hell, but it will be all worth it when she realizes she won't be living the life she has planned for her retirement as I won't be there or required to support her. I have turned down raises that I know would only inspire her to initiate divorce as if she could get enough child support and spousal support tolive her current life her life of luxury - I know she would. I have been able to maintain my salery as equal to hers.

Beamformer · 2023-01-09T22:48:18+00:00

I took the high road and didn't track, spy, snoop even though there were signs. Now, It just feels like I brought good-manners to a street fight.

pk2at · 2023-01-09T04:46:59+00:00

Here is the comprehensive checklist, remember its primarily money that courts care about

https://www.reddit.com/r/Fair\_Marriage/comments/zyewft/steps\_one\_can\_take\_to\_keep\_property\_separate/

1Cobbler · 2023-01-09T08:38:53+00:00

Do it 5 years earlier. lol

AudreyTooTwo · 2023-01-09T14:47:46+00:00

What not to do: Think that your wife will be rational and fair during divorce.
What not to do: Assume the divorce court will be fair towards you.

What to do: Be at the very bottom of your earning potential when you divorce. Gradually reduce your income in a way that's plausible and documented. Perhaps take time off because you're "depressed" or "burnt-out". Start a new career and flounder in it. Or start a new business and let it sink into bankruptcy.

BE POOR ON PAPER. #1 goal.

Like others have said, slowly set aside small bits of cash here and there, nothing that would be noticed by a lawyer or accountant. Establish patterns of spending, e.g.: use cash when buying a fancy meal or something expensive, but use a credit card at McDonald's. Let the bank statements show that you earn very little and spend very little.

And I agree with /u/dday_throwaway3 in that spending more years in a bad marriage sounds like Hell. And remember, the clock is ticking regarding alimony. Once you get above 10 or 15 years of marriage, you could be ordered to pay lifelong, permanent alimony.

EDIT: I should add: on the day you pull the trigger and file, change all of your passwords to all of your accounts, cancel all joint credit cards, have your mail sent to a PO Box. Give her no insight. Make her lawyer fight to get info on you.

acg34 · 2023-01-09T15:51:19+00:00

Insisted my ex get a full time job with benefits. Kept debt down.

FastLaneKindaGuy · 2023-01-09T16:51:08+00:00

Divorces always come down to financial settlements. In hindsight marry a woman who makes about the same amount as you. This will yield the best outcome for you. Nothing good comes about when you’re the primary earner in the household.

Also, if you don’t know, if you are married more than 10 years, your ex can mooch off your social security benefits and you have no say in it.

david10277 · 2023-01-09T21:55:21+00:00

Create 2 LLCs in a state that has privacy laws Where You cannot see the owner.

LLC 1 will own property and assets Purchase all my assets under that LLC

LLC 2 Will generate income

Place both LLC into a irrevocable offshore trust.

Make my beneficiaries of the trust my kids.

Own zero assets in my name

LLC 2 will pay me no more than $20.000 salary from the business as income.

Other Profits from the businesses will purchase real estate assets and hold under LLC 2 obtain lines of credit or pull the equity out of the real estate.

So purchase some property as a business asset and strip out the equity..take out 300k lets say Repeat for all properties that the LLC had purchased.

Place those funds into a offshore bank account

Live off that 300k or what ever I pulled put.

Obtain 2 million life insurance policy. When I pass , trust will direct life insurance to pay off equity pulled from properties of the LLC.

On paper your only worth 20,000 but your a millionaire.

Divorce comes along She gets nothing in the divorce and will end up paying me support.

occoptionplaya · 2023-01-10T02:12:00+00:00

Not doing it sooner. Knowing what I know now, I'd have sold all my real estate, investments and blown my savings on myself. Now I have a shit ton of everything, but half is going to the ex wife. Sucks. Still feel happier being away from that toxicity, but it literally costs an arm and a leg if you're successful.

Title	If you had 5 years to plan for divorce…
Author	AsleepStyle
Upvotes	12
Comments	33
Date	January 9, 2023 2:57 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1072ol2/if_you_had_5_years_to_plan_for_divorce/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/if-you-had-5-years-to-plan-for-divorce.1146412 https://theredarchive.com/post/1146412

Comments