A few days ago, my girlfriend/partner sent me a link to this story: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

It's apparently quite well known in the gender-focused community, including this subreddit, but TL;DR: wife prefers that husband puts glasses in the dishwasher; husband prefers to leave them by the sink for various reasons; wife feels disrespected and unheard, eventually leading to a divorce.

Now, in fairness, the article itself admits that the issue isn't just about the glass, it's about the wife generally feeling unappreciated, unheard, and disrespected. The husband, on the other hand, feels micromanaged and nagged, because there are valid reasons to leave a glass by the sink and putting it away instantly is more of a preference than "the right way" to do it.

My girl also sent me this article: https://beginwithyes.com/the-hamburger-meat-moment-i-wasnt-treating-my-husband-fairly-and-it-wasnt-nice/

Another TL;DR: wife asks husband to get hamburger meat; he does, but it is 70/30 when she wanted (but did NOT communicate!) 80/20; wife lays into husband; wife realizes what she's doing, stops; wife later introspects and manages her preferences and communication style better.

Interestingly, my girl was not really trying to push me to see things one way or the other, just interested in hearing my take on it. She usually says that I'm one of the most agreeable and accommodating people she's ever met, and she is the same, and we communicate fantastically, so there is that lol. Naturally, being adults, we disagree about things and preferences about how/when dishes ought to be put away, but when we do, we talk it out and either agree to disagree, or if it's important to one of us, that one will typically get his/her way.

This does not appear to be typical in relationships. And when I was previously married, my then-wife definitely got very upset with me for things that I don't just think are small, but things that any reasonable person would agree are small--such as cutting a tomato 1/4" thick at her request, but when she said 1/4", that was apparently not what she meant. That's just one example among many.

Anyway.

I eventually told my girl that I can definitely see how, if you have to ask your partner to do the same thing, time and time again, and he/she doesn't do it because it isn't important to them, and it is important to you... yeah, that could definitely make someone feel disrespected and lead to a divorce. On the other hand, if you're constantly insistent and nitpicky about your preferences and don't communicate why they are important, you might be controlling--and that's true for men and women.

Imagine, for example, if a man got upset with his wife for folding the bedsheets in a way he didn't like, or, I don't know, leaving a blanket unfolded on a couch, or maybe folded into triangles instead of rectangles. I think my first instinct is to tell the guy, "dude, either do it yourself or if it's important to you, have a gentle but honest heart-to-heart, and ideally explain WHY it is important to you."

It's hard. We have to balance our preferences to make sure we aren't controlling or micro-managing our partners, but if a tiny preference is important, it's important to communicate that and be patient, and not rip people's heads off if they get tiny things wrong, especially if you expect it done a certain way but do not say so.

I'm all over the place at this point. But I did want to have the debate...

How do we communicate tiny, but important preferences to our partners with patience and compassion, and if our partners fail to meet them, is that (eventually) a reason to divorce? Do men and women have different feelings on this matter?