Lack of support/anger from partner following my job contract ending and no new job

ApplicationClassic19 · 2023-02-22T22:20:50+00:00

The question you should be asking yourself is: Is such a marriage worth keeping together?

Fuzzy_Department2799 · 2023-02-22T22:30:41+00:00

Sadly this is a common double standard. All you can do is tell her how you feel. Then set a course of action based on her continued behaviors.

Cfwydirk · 2023-02-22T23:28:23+00:00

She has no empathy and will never change.

J_KILLA89 · 2023-02-23T03:14:59+00:00

See this is the reason why I would never get married. Women do not care about the struggles men go through. They only care what we can provide them with.

pearl_harbour1941 · 2023-02-22T22:30:52+00:00

Your wife sounds like she's operating directly from her "cavewoman" brain. I don't mean this as an insult, what I mean is that it seems pretty much every woman has a biologically programmed instinct to seek (and be happy with) a man that earns more than her.

It's ingrained.

In my opinion it's why marriage vows include "for better or worse". It's a commitment to go against one's instinct for the sake of harmony. The male equivalent is "forsaking all others" (i.e. not sleeping around).

I'm sorry that you're facing this, and I don't have good news for you. Largely speaking it's entirely up to her what happens next. Yes, you can change other parts of your relationship with her (as other comments have suggested) to "maintain frame" or appear strong.

However in my experience in my 10 year marriage, when I changed things around, she got VERY upset, suggested that I had been "brainwashed" by any number of people, and eventually it ended in divorce.

Rationality may not work here, as she is not operating on her rational brain, she's operating from the most animalistic sense she has. "Man earning less = danger to her life". That's how it will feel to her, if she can even verbalize such a thing.

Counselling will also only help if she a) recognizes her problem, b) is willing to work on it, and c) can find a way of overriding that core instinct. The odds of that are slim to none.

I'm sorry I don't have good news.

2023-02-23T05:07:34+00:00

I think you are owed some support and consideration not to mention sympathy for the fact that you are dealing with a serious health issue that you are still recovering from.

What's the point of marriage if it's not a 50/50 partnership for better or worse?

This actually is absolutely a men's right's topic because of the double standards. Any man who announced that he felt resentful for his wife falling ill and not being able to contribute to the household would derided as a public enemy #1!!

Meanwhile the notion that women are entitled to behave this horribly in marriage is so mainstreamed and normalized in our culture that you write this post from the perspective that you feel bad for not being able to do better when it's clear that she should be supporting YOU in your time of need.

Sininenn · 2023-02-23T06:45:32+00:00

"For the first few years, I was earning a little more and she was fine with this. She was a stay at home mother for a couple of years when our first child was born, but then she just couldn't do it again after our second child was born. So I got a new job to work nights, and looked after our child during the day."

"My wife's extremely resentful towards me. She said she hates the pressure my lack of work has put on her."

I wonder why she is so resentful. She certainly was not resentful when you were the breadwinner AND a stay at home father at the same time.

She better remember that.

Amazing-Bit6140 · 2023-02-22T22:22:16+00:00

This is absolutely a men's rights topic. Women's insistence that men contribute more to a relationship, and specifically financially more, is part of societal misandry.

Your wife is being sexist by asserting you should be bringing in more than her, she is being sexist and selfish by looking down on you for looking less, and she is acting like an child by complaining about making more.

All of these misandric attitudes are the result of sexism against men, and you're suffering from it personally. This is very much what we talk about, even if this is just about your personal experience.

In terms of what to do about it, you're between a rock and a hard place here. We advocate for society to have safety nets for men in your position, but those efforts are often stymied.

We also advocate women stop being selfish sexists and be willing to be the "breadwinner", but we can't force people not to be sexist. I can suggest you try to explain to her how sexist and selfish she is being, but in our experience even if you convince them of this, they still don't even care.

If you were to look at more hardline redpill-like advice, it would be to 1) work on getting a better job (which you're already working at), 2) hit the gym, 3) maintain dominant frame in the relationship.

It's important to maintain several areas where she can look up to you as a superior, which is where her main complaint is coming from. You can do this by being physically stronger, which will help a lot, but also by not taking her shit when she gets like this.

Ultimately, until she can brag about you to her friends (her real source of validation) this behavior from her will continue.

Sorry to hear you going through this, man, it's an unfortunately common shitty behavior from women.

RatDontPanic · 2023-02-23T01:48:51+00:00

You need to divorce her. My wife met me while I was broke and working a dead end job that barely was above unemployed.

RedFox3001 · 2023-02-23T06:10:12+00:00

Girls don’t like boys, girls like cars and money

solar-garlic1776 · 2023-02-22T22:34:56+00:00

This is red pill 101. As long as she sees you as her equal or better you are ok. Once the power balance shifts, ie, she out earning you, you are seen as a lesser, not a good provider.

I'd be on the look out for any changes in her personality or habits. You earning less may cause her to monkey branch.

rahsoft · 2023-02-23T02:39:38+00:00

its is mens rights issue as this can lead to or be part of domestic abuse.

had similar situation as you when ex started earning some very serious amounts of money in the gulf, her attitude got very bad and violent. I was the at home parent for our disabled child( i share the same disability). I will suggest being aware if abuse starts, especially if it gets physical( let your family and friends that you trust know about your concerns and read up on the various categories of Domestic Abuse)

as someone has pointed out here there is a common double standard, so when women demand they earn as much if not more as the men its fine so long as "their" partner continues to earn more than her, which is going be harder since there are now more women in the workplace plus abuses of the labour market by corporates.

I can only respectfully suggest you get legal advice and prepare yourself, and always "be recording".

don't kid yourself with "my wife would never do that", some people really do let money rule their head.

Good_Mycologist512 · 2023-02-23T02:42:20+00:00

Dude you lost frame. Read the rationale male. Never be afraid to leave a woman.

LordBogus · 2023-02-22T22:48:19+00:00

I read you had to take a night job and care for your children during the day, because 'she couldn't'. Could you explain that in more detail??

How I read it, your wife couldn't be a stay at home mother anymore, so you broke your body not only working in the night but also caring for your children. I am guessing she didnt exactly swoop the house and mow the lawn when she got home from work.

And why couldnt she care for the children?? She could obviously still have a job.

It is beyond disrespectful that because of her choices, you had to put in double the work and now when you can't anymore, she is resenting you.

Let me ask you this, what did you get in return when you bended over backwards? Was she in shape? A loving mother?? Fun to be around, great in the sack?

And ask her this, what if became disabled for example, would she think it would be ok for you to resent her?

If i'm honest, modern relationships can't withstand hardships like this anymore. Resentment is a big factor. I don't like to be rude or harsh but if this doesnt get turned around fast, I don't expect it to last long before she leaves you or you get cheated on especially if she has options. I wish it would not be true but all the stories you hear and all the stories women tell people.

I hope you and your family doesnt expirience this i wish you all the best

ArcturasMooCow · 2023-02-23T04:48:11+00:00

If you are in a relationship, married or not, you have to be partners, and that means supportive of each other. It's likely she has shared your predicament with other women in her circle of family and friends, and they could be undermining you at a point in your relationship.

Or your wife could just terrified of losing things, rather than losing you and the marriage. She's not gonna lose the kid, as the law favors mother's more than father's in a divorce.

Double-down on your efforts if you can, but keep a close eye on the wife during this period. You need to gently remind her that you were the workhorse and provider when things were not perfect for her.

Women remember bad things about men more than good things in times of stress.

Above all, don't fall into any traps, like you moving out or doing drugs or alcohol. Stay in control. Take care. 🐮

veiakas · 2023-02-23T07:29:31+00:00

My wife's extremely resentful towards me. She said she hates the
pressure my lack of work has put on her. I hate myself for it, too, and
feel worthless. I'm trying. I'm really trying. But I recently also dealt
with a life threatening health condition that got me into ER and I'm
still recovering, so I'm not able to give my 100% in my search. My wife
thinks I'm making excuses but I'm applying for all sorts of jobs now,
even these not directly linked to my profession.

By the sounds of it, a lot of assuming goes around. First off, improve your communication. Express how you feel, and how you perceive her attitude towards you. - This is all free, and you really cannot lose here. If after the communication it turns our that she really does not care about you anymore, then divorce is the only recourse. Why live in a domestically emotionally abusive situation like that, where your partner is taking anger out on you.

Just to clarify: Her attitude is 100% unacceptable for a supportive, healthy relationship and you have the right to expect better. Make sure she also knows this.

Sounds like she, as a person is just hateful and petty, but this is just a reddit commenter here, and I do not have an insight into your relationship.

HikingConnoisseur · 2023-02-23T09:37:16+00:00

Your wife would rather you work yourself into an early grave just so she can be happy, and once you do die, she'll just find someone else.

BasedDev · 2023-02-23T10:26:58+00:00

She doesn't want to look after the kids and she doesn't want to be the main breadwinner.

Maybe you should ask her what it is she thinks she should contribute to the relationship.

Perfectly-Not-Wrong · 2023-02-23T11:12:36+00:00

Ask her to imagine what she would do if she was in your situation.

Charming_Monk_Ey · 2023-02-23T01:12:57+00:00

Divorce now while you make less. She showed you she doesn’t love you anymore.

mikesteane · 2023-02-22T23:30:48+00:00

Keep your options open. E.g. prepare to divorce in such a way that she is left financially supporting you. You might need to take legal advice on how to prepare this, but you need to be ready for her to divorce you without letting her walk all over you.

Decitriction · 2023-02-23T02:25:18+00:00

It would be nice to keep the marriage going as long as you have children in the home, so she doesn't rob you of your fatherhood.

After that, cut her loose.

ERiC_693 · 2023-02-23T06:27:29+00:00

A lot of men would have packed the bags and walked out by now. Fair play for not.

Its typical the resentmen when a man earns less or doesnt work, women have been doing it for millennia. All you can do is lay it down and give ultimatum answers.

odysseytree · 2023-02-23T06:28:56+00:00

She lost respect for you because she no longer sees you as her equal or above.

AspirationsOfFreedom · 2023-02-23T08:11:30+00:00

Hey my dud. Welcome. Let me tell you a story:

So me and this girl got together. Had a good time. She was childfree, i was childfree, she was part time working + a student, i was full time.

Quickly when she moved in, it was super clear that she couldnt provide as much money, but i could cover. And i did. "If you did break up, it would be my stupid-tax. But thats ok". And our relationship was going pretty well.

A year in, no longer a student, full time employed as well, we earned a similar wage. And thats when the sex went from 5-6 times a week to 1-2 within a month. At worst it was 6 weeks between each time, and the longest time was 8 weeks. But we talked, we argued, we fought, and tried.

Then we moved up in housing, we bought a car, we bought a dog. I began studying... and shit went sideways. Sex was a constant problem, we fought alot alot. But she got wierd with money. For instance, i payed 2.5k upfront for the car, she bought the dog for 1.8k + insurance gor 0.7k. Yet somehow it was our car, but HER dog because SHE payed for it...

We bought a cheap house to renovate, and the former wierdness with money increased to a full blown problem. We lived in heavy snow country, nobody who could rutinely help with plowing, no plow ourself, and 150~ meters of road to clear. We had a "house" fund from unspent cash when we bought the place, yet she absolutly REFUSED to spend 500$ of "HER" money (from the fund) to buy a plow.... and we fought even more. Sex still a problem. An example of how hoarding she got over money was when we refinanced to renovate, we had 5k in excess each from said refinance... and she just kept it in her bank account out of a fear of NOT having it.

Some shit went down, but things began to go better. We fought less, had sex more, we had a clearer goal... then she broke up with me. And aaaaaall of the agreements to calmly split finances and items went out the fucking window.

"I dont want to repay you for the washer/dryer that we just bought. Cuz i dont think its fair for me to have to pay you just to keep it here. You pay me, and take it." I cannot, i dont need a washer were im moving. So are we gonna sell it online then so we both get some cash and you can buy yourself a new one? "WELL IF WE GONNA SELL AT A LOSS YOU MIGHT AS WELL ASK FOR LESS MONEY FROM ME!"

It was just brutal. She went for every sore point, she tried to use my dog against me, she had to actually start a fight over why i didnt clean the house when i was taking the vaccume cleaner with me... just so she could have a reason to act mad later. And because i was so hurt, i just didnt fight it on several of the minor things. I lost about half of what i could have gotten if she was being fair, and thats only because i stopped countint things because i got depressed. 5 years of building and growing JUST to get 10k, my dog and some items....

Money is a core problem for many. Some due to a gender expectations, some due to childhood trauma, some just because they get a negative iq whenever numbers get involved. It's a resource many struggle to stay rational over. And if your wife despices you just because you don't have as many resources as you used to.... it's probably time to ether check out of the relationship or seek couples therapy.

Best of luck my dude.

ImprovementCareless9 · 2023-02-23T13:51:42+00:00

See this is just example of one of the many instances where I unsuccessfully try to explain to other females the real struggles that men face. Especially emotionally. I sort of reimagined what the response to this post would have been if the roles were reversed…just think about that for a second. The outrage that a man would be resentful at being the breadwinner, the disgust that he’s not being supportive… and so on.

In the end, I hope that maybe counseling could help her to see where she’s being unsupportive and unreasonable. It especially bothers me that she’s showing a lack of support for you through your health issues. I find when people can’t outright SEE a health issue and/or haven’t experienced it for themselves, they tend to sort of dismiss it.

DirectBite · 2023-02-23T14:22:03+00:00

Yeah thats a real piece of shit behavior on her part. Men are not worthless! You are doing all you can and if she cant see that then you need to have a serious talk with her about the future.

antifeminist3 · 2023-02-24T21:49:06+00:00

"I know this is not really a men's rights topic"

I Disagree. This is part of 'male disposability'. there are millions of stay at home mothers-men do not take her statement:

she hates the pressure my lack of work has put on her

and men do not say:

He hates the pressure her lack of work has put on him

Sounds like she is unable to empathize and see what the shoe on the other foot would be like. Point out you were ok with her making less money as are men in general.

beansmuch · 2023-02-23T00:10:27+00:00

Has your wife ever supported you during hard times in your life?

The first hard times in a relationship (any relationship... including friendships) are often times what destroy that relationship. Sometimes the hard times occur 3 months after it started, sometimes the hard times occur 12 years after it started.

There are a lot of apherisms that speak to actually knowing someone, like "you don't truly know someone until they have power", "you don't truly know someone until you live with them", "you don't truly know someone until they're going through hard times / losing / etc.", "you don't truly know someone until you don't meet their expectations", and definitely, "you don't truly know someone until you're going through hard times".

Everyone seems like a great person when they're doing well, you're doing well, they don't have power to exploit people, you're able to do for them what they need, when you only see them 10 hours a week, etc...

I don't know you or your wife. I don't know what your wife would write on reddit about you. It's impossible for us to give an unbiased take. That's why I asked if she has ever supported you when you were in hard times. It's possible she's a fairweather wife and you just haven't had the opportunity to see it until know. And if that's the case then resentment was inevitable.

stupid_pretty · 2023-02-23T00:48:42+00:00

Do you quality for disability? Is there anything you can do from home to bring extra money in?

I understand it's pressure being the sole earner. My husband's the sole earner for us and it can be stressful whether it's a man or a woman. I have a side hustle that helps with holidays etc. And I do 100% of housekeeping, laundry, cooking, appts, bills, childcare, homeschooling etc. I lay out his clothes for the day, get his gear ready to go in the morning and dinner done when he walks in the door. Could you fulfil this role? Would she agree to that?

Zook-Cantaloupe-7970 · 2023-02-23T03:15:50+00:00

You need to be a man and tell her that you're getting a regular day time job and one of two things is going to happen, either you get your kids daycare and both parents work, or she can stay at home. That's what men do, they take charge.

Most women resent partners who earn less. Some don't, but it turns out you're not married to one of them. So if you wish to stay married, that's what you need to do. Or you get a divorce like this guy said.

Alternative_Meal_904 · 2023-02-23T11:45:00+00:00

Oof... Based on your post, that sounds like an awful relationship to be in. I've never understood the point of blaming people for the problems they face when said problems aren't even their fault. It's victim blaming. Unless you somehow caused your health problems, your wife should be ashamed of herself.

echohole5 · 2023-02-23T12:26:11+00:00

In a woman's mind, you are not really human. You don't have emotions or even an internal world. You exist to serve her. If you're not serving her adequately, she will hate you for it and she will destroy you once she hates you.

She is not there to help of support you in any way. You exist to help and support her, in her mind.

The divorce is incoming.

JoeyBellef · 2023-02-23T14:50:13+00:00

I’ve had 3 relationships where I would always provide money to make sure we were both living comfortably, but on the rare occasion where I needed help, I was made to feel guilty, unworthy, useless.. on the first relationship it took me years to realize that things were unfair, and that she wasn’t worthy of my affection. On the second it took me years again. On the third I made it clear that I expected the same respect as she got, and within weeks she decided I wasn’t a good fit. Lol. Now I’m intentionally single, because it seems that most women have too many expectations and demands. I’m at peace, and there is never any conflict or stress in my home now that women aren’t welcome.

**that probably doesn’t help you, but couples counselling may help? You telling her directly what your feelings are won’t help because she doesn’t see you as an equal. You are expected to be a provider not a partner. It’s possible that a counsellor may be able to get through to her.

freeball_1 · 2023-02-23T15:15:21+00:00

This is absolutely a men’s equality senecio. I would first advise you see an attorney and inquiry about alimony and child support, since she makes more and gas made it clear she has no intention of taking care of her own children. Then I would start to gather evidence that will support that in court so she has a smaller chance of getting the kids. After you have evidence, and I would go to the next step….

Sit down with her, have a serious conversation and say, “How would you feel if the roles were reversed?” if you came up with a serious medical illness, and I was left to support the family. Would you feel like it was my obligation to do so? Do you really believe that women deserve equal rights to man and therefore equal responsibility? Did you really mean for better or for worse, in sickness, and in health ect… if the situation were reversed, society would expect me to take care of you. I would be looked down on if I left you in that situation. So are you sexist, because I got news for you it’s stressful for almost every man in the office at situation in the entire world.

My guess is, she won’t like the fact that you are arguing from a point of rationality, and true equality. But since no other options in the situation, look good, that’s what I would try.

Either you or her make her see whether she’s uncomfortable or not it is the situation, or you will completely wreck your relationship. But at least you’ll know where you actually stand. If you wreck it she wasn’t worth keeping anyway.

Any_Recording1253 · 2023-02-23T17:06:42+00:00

My first advice here: Don't listen to most of the advice you're getting from these men.

I say this because I don't think your wife is upset for unreasonable reasons.. reality is, money doesn't grow on trees and no one with a brain in their head can argue that it's going to put strain on her? Especially considering children are involved..

With all of that said, you're trying your best. And she has to understand that with your injury... There's limits to the kinds of work you can do. I'm sure most general labor jobs are off the table for you because of that.

So moral of the story I don't think you or your wife are evil in this situation, I think you guys are just in a rough patch..

My suggestion to you is maybe speak to your doctor about getting disability benefits if your injuries are preventing you from finding a job (if those kinds of benefits exist where you live).

Ozhubdownunder · 2023-02-23T20:06:46+00:00

Ask her who taught her that men should be the main bread winner? Does this belief she has adopted help or hurt her relationship? Is it fair on the person she loves to place this sexist expectation on him? She needs to critically reflect on her expectations, where they come from, and if they are serving or destroying her own peace and the person she vowed to support in sickness and health.

Omarplay2 · 2023-02-23T20:13:53+00:00

You should still post on r/relationshipadvice for a more wide range of opinions but i still agree with most people here that shes being selfish and you need time to heal and adjust

Den_the_God-King · 2023-02-24T00:43:58+00:00

if you don’t have have a job then you don’t have any power, Women have interval value, you don’t. If you want to be happy with a woman you have to accept that you must always the upper hand by some metric, you must be lucky or work very hard to have retain value over hers, and the more attractive she is the moreso of the forementioned. or just opt out.

SalvageProbe · 2023-02-24T09:30:48+00:00

Consult a lawyer, perhaps you're in good position for divorce now earning nothing while she's a breadwinner.

hiyupjh · 2023-02-23T00:02:58+00:00

This is the wrong sub to post this on if your looking for an unbiased advice. Try r/marriage.

But the first thing to remember is in these conversations to remain calm. Then you identify the issue. It seems it is her resentment towards you.

Ask her things that are thought provoking. Totry to find out where it is coming from. Once it is rationalized talk about if it is fair for her to do so or not.

Is she chooses to be irrational I recommend bringing in a third party. Alot of people use counselors. I think talking to her father or mother is also good.

I wish you the best

Cranium_Internum · 2023-02-23T08:08:44+00:00

I know this is not really a men's rights topic but I thought people might have some advice for me. Not keen on posting on relationships advice because the comments on there are never balanced or well thought out.

Top 5 comments:

She has no empathy and will never change.
The question you should be asking yourself is: Is such a marriage worth keeping together?
See this is the reason why I would never get married. Women do not care about the struggles men go through. They only care what we can provide them with.
Your wife sounds like she's operating directly from her "cavewoman" brain.

Good thing you came to the place where you get balanced opinions on women.

Black-Patrick · 2023-02-23T12:38:52+00:00

What is the nature of the permanent health condition that prevents 100% from being given in a job search, and how much of a factor is this to the relationship? Your attitude towards facing a challenge is at least somewhat in your control, with regards to how it’s portrayed. I sympathize. I am sorry about whatever you are going through, and understand not wanting to discuss it but women are wired to be attracted to strength in resolve when facing a crisis, so the portrayal of that to some degree would help theoretically. I wish you the best of health.

Title	Lack of support/anger from partner following my job contract ending and no new job
Author	Sawe651
Upvotes	101
Comments	103
Date	February 22, 2023 10:02 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/119f8rl/lack_of_supportanger_from_partner_following_my/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/lack-of-supportanger-from-partner-following-my-job.1153695 https://theredarchive.com/post/1153695

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