Red Flags

MNCPA · 2020-02-13T15:28:00+00:00

Nothing is her fault.
Everyone else is 'out to get her'
She is always the victim or the hero in everyone of her stories.
She tells you that her mom and mom's mom have diagnosed mental disorders.
She has no female friends.
She always wants to spend alone time with your guy friends (1:1).
She accuses you of cheating or flirting, if you talk to other females (e.g. other moms at soccer practice).
Her reactions are unpredictable (is she going to be mad or happy today?).
Big decisions (e.g. buying a home, marriage, kids, vacations) usually included a veiled threat of divorce. "We're buying this house or I'll divorce you and do it myself."
My fault. I take responsibility for not seeing these red flags.

daedalis2020 · 2020-02-13T16:02:00+00:00

Definitely family issues, broken home and she was estranged from even her siblings. I really believe she doesn’t know how to have a healthy relationship.

Any type of anger/emotional abuse signs. I’ve learned there are healthy and unhealthy expressions of anger.

I will never, ever, date someone without a career again. Being the breadwinner is inherently inequitable and I’m personally not interested in having an extra child financially.

MRSAfulFate · 2020-02-13T16:34:08+00:00

1 - She was always right, no matter how wrong she was. Impossible to reason or solve problems with people like this.

2 - All her ex’s were “evil” and her previous serious relationships had each ended with spectacular drama. I was too dumb to see I was next up on the “evil” list.

3 - Manipulative behavior and lying. Then acting like I was crazy or being insulting if I protested.

4 - She slowly maneuvered to isolate me from family and friends.

5 - Volatile, unpredictable behavior.

MartyMcFly7 · 2020-02-13T22:00:21+00:00

If I had to do it all over again, I'd do everything the same... except for getting that stupid piece of paper. That legally binding contract is now going to cost me a ton of money. It's also made it far more complicated to walk away. Never again.

ViscidPlague78 · 2020-02-13T20:36:55+00:00

Oh boy. Also not divorced but bellying up to it. Been planning certain things for years to arrive at a point which I think is coming soon.

Anyway, here's some of the ones I passed over thinking she'll change. Stop laughing.

She was 25 when we met and her mother handled her checking account and paid all her bills
her mother was a do no wrong saint, any comment on how she was not a good mother was met with a vicious response
did not know how to cook, and relied upon take out or dining out
feels that expensive vacations are a requirement in life
preferred to spend time with her family over friends
everything had to run through her mom for her approval
volatility
anxiety that would cause said volatility to sabotage anything I tried to do
drove me away from friends
refused to hang out with my friends, only hers
no boundaries of her meddling mother in our relationship
would purposely bring outsiders into disagreements of our relationship

That's just the appetizer course that I got prior to marrying her. All these things would cause us to end up in marriage counseling about 12 years ago where she tried to make changes, but people don't change. They just repress their inner being for a period of time before it all returns slowly.

kostaki6515 · 2020-02-13T15:59:25+00:00

1) Finding excuses to not be around my friends and family. At first she presented it as nerves, but after we were married she found every perceived slight as a reason to hold a grudge and not go around them.

2) Intimacy issues. Hot and heavy while dating, but once we were engaged/married and especially after the honeymoon phase was over we were down to a couple times a year, with excuses that were cycled in and out so there was always a fresh reason.

3) Unwilling to see any other person’s point of view and taking the role of the victim in any disagreement, even when she was the aggressor.

4) Constantly blaming others for failures/situations, with no accountability.

Udjebfk · 2020-02-13T16:45:21+00:00

Irrational outbursts, emotional immaturity, always playing the victim. I just ignored those flags constantly. Even though my life is hell right now because of it, I do not regret ignoring those flags because of the 3 amazing children she gave me. I love them so much the pain is worth it.

thefudmaster · 2020-02-13T19:01:17+00:00

All of these are good and valid red flags to watch out for. Marriage, as a concept, has never been something I understand. Even in nature, animals aren’t monogamous.

I’m not bashing males or females but the ideals of marriage are a raw deal from the beginning. Also, I’ve never met a happily married man...ever.

LandOnMyFeet · 2020-02-14T19:46:14+00:00

Watch how she treats others especially waiters and waitresses. Early in our marriage this nasty ugly behavior was always directed at others ad marriage carried on the anger, criticism, judgements and belittling slowly shifted toward me. Like the frog in the pot scenario. Didn’t know I was cooking until it’s too late.

stent00 · 2020-02-13T15:22:12+00:00

[permanently deleted]

oneknocka · 2020-02-13T19:40:45+00:00

she was on anti-depressants when we first started dating.

I had a friend she hated because he would travel with the boyfriend of her friend where this boyfriend would rendezvous with his old girlfriend. So, she didn't like my friend but did like the boyfriend that cheated.

Had her brothers kick me out the house once after an argument where I acquiesced. To be fair, I didn't let them intimidate me, but after we all realized there was nothing, I asked if she still wanted me to leave and she said yes.

Started dating when she was still in college. When she had to study, it was absolute silence, no touching, talking, nothing. A year or two later when I took a class, she got mad that I wasn't giving her enough attention. I was taking a thermodynamics class. It required a lot of studying and I was commuting over an hour for the class.

Yeah, I'm gonna stop here.

PositivityKnight · 2020-02-14T01:07:26+00:00

bookmarking this post FR it's a good one.

flourishnone · 2020-02-14T06:28:31+00:00

She was breathing.

Enlightened-Soul · 2020-02-14T06:39:10+00:00

I love this question because we all here have likely pondered it heavily. 1. No one in several generations of my family ever divorced. Her parents and grandparents have a total of 8 divorces between them. 2. She isolated me from my friends. Didn’t allow me to see them unless she was present. 3. she gave me a curfew, yet abided by none herself 4. She’s justify spending hundreds of dollars a month on nonsense, but if I bought a beer I was putting us at risk for financial disaster 5. The man should always and exclusively take care of the finances 6. Her family hates me because she moved away to be with me 7. Towards the end she started working hard on her appearance and then left me for her coworker lol

I remember 3 times in my life where I wanted to seriously leave her, but she convinced me I was nothing without her.

Been 4-5 months now, I’m in a better job bankrolling, sleeping with people I’m insanely attracted to, in the best shape I’ve been in in my entire adult life, and thriving without her.

vector5633 · 2020-02-13T16:03:04+00:00

[permanently deleted]

petergriffenthe6th · 2020-02-13T17:02:12+00:00

A biological clock ticking in the background.

Title	Red Flags
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	21
Comments	44
Date	February 13, 2020 2:47 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/f3b0cz/red_flags/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/red-flags.1200635 https://theredarchive.com/post/1200635

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