STBXW (very likely) having an emotional (maybe sexual?) affair with a coworker during the very early stages of our separation

Old-Macaroon8148 · 2023-05-31T16:09:08+00:00

The majority of the time they seem to have something lined up prior to exiting the existing relationship. Google monkey branching. She’s getting a firm grip on the new guy before releasing her grip on you. Don’t be shocked to learn later on they’ve had something extra going on for years.

Mean-Technology1651 · 2023-05-31T16:05:11+00:00

Start making you the priority

DatabaseSpace · 2023-05-31T17:11:22+00:00

I told the guy dating my ex wife, she’s your problem now. He doesn’t work and is on disability. He was bragging that he had $1500 in his bank account. The only thing I want to ask him now, about 3 years later is, hey do you still have that $1500? lol. There’s 0% chance the answer is yes. Alimony is finally over, what a scam it all was.

out-the_door · 2023-05-31T21:08:21+00:00

Betrayal from someone you trusted and loved (at least at one time, anyway), is hard to take. So, advice on "getting over it", I think we're all on our own in that regard.

Yet. If you suspected "something" was going on and you're still living together, collect as much evidence as possible (just because you suspect it doesn't make it true). But if it is true, gather as much as you can.

If you can take that into court, prove infidelity, her settlement, whatever it is, will be much less than she's likely to ask for. Don't be friendly or think she is your friend anymore. I made that mistake and it cost me dearly.

GrouseyPortage · 2023-06-01T00:33:41+00:00

You gotta find new hobbies and social groups to get your mind off of that shit. Go start lifting weights and working out. Set some short and long term goals. Invest in yourself my man.

azwildcat74 · 2023-05-31T16:04:51+00:00

You have to just try and find a way to separate the fact that you're divorcing from the fact that she's moving on, it was inevitable to have it happen. The best thing you can do is to spend time investing in yourself and focusing on the betterment of yourself every chance you get, if you're not a prize now then you need to keep working on yourself until you are and feel like you are. Nothing she says or does matters to you now, you are your own focus, do what's best for you.

warrior_up · 2023-05-31T17:20:14+00:00

Take the pussy off the pedestal.

DivorcingThroway · 2023-06-01T00:32:54+00:00

Thanks for sharing. Just found this sub after printing up all my separation papers. Not on my main account to keep things as private as possible. This story really resonated with me and I have nobody to vent to, so I'm just going to add it here.

I am curious though, why does it seem women are more and more prone to promiscuity these days? I feel like I used to only hear about men cheating, but it seems the tables have turned over the last decade or so.

Anyways, I found my wife talking to another man a few years back- hundreds of texts/sexts/nudes. It was at the beginning of COVID and a catfish situation, we'd been together 12 years at that point (married 8) and had some issues here and there, but other than some yelling matches and storm-offs while drunk, we got along pretty well. I decided to forgive her after this, but made it clear that there wouldn't be any other chances.

We made more of an effort for awhile, a major move gave us a nice shake-up and I was hoping our issues were behind us. But it faded over time. We seemed to only fight when we were drunk, and were daily drinkers, so I made the decision to go completely sober hoping to encourage her to as well. She went along with it and again, it seemed like things were doing alright. I guess with alcohol we were forced to confront our issues a lot more. Without it, whey just lingered and grew into more and more passive aggressive behavior.

I really noticed things shift from her recently though. I can't quite explain it, but she falls into this pattern of pushing me away but acting like I'm the one pushing her away. I don't know, but it just kept reminding me of the way she was acting last time I caught her. She also suddenly started staying overnight as her girl friend's houses (which she had only done years ago, and even then was extremely rare) and spending all her time messaging on her phone, yet would go days without texting or calling me (too busy, oops my phone died, etc).

I'd ask her who she was talking to and it was always just "work" or her "girl friends". I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt, and do more to show that I cared about her. But nothing I was doing changed her behavior.

Last week, she was showing me something on her phone and I went to grab it to look closer. I have never seen her pull something away from me so fast. She quickly had some excuse, but I knew then that she was definitely hiding something. It finally dawned on me to just check the phone records (I was sure she was using a messenger app like last time but didn't hurt to check).

Come to find she's sent 500+ messages to a single number in a matter of weeks. I waited till she went to bed to get the final confirmation. I open her phone and find the conversation, she was even bold enough to have his picture in her contacts, and just keep scrolling up to a bunch of "baby"s and "I love you"s. I completely lost it at this point, I wish I had slowed down and tried to gather more evidence, but I saw red right away and immediately went to get a drink. Gave up 660 days sober without a second thought.

Once I had a good amount of liquid courage I woke her up and confronted her. Her response was to shrug it off and apparently delete the conversation after I stormed away (didn't find out until I tried to go back for screen shots when she went back to sleep).

Her only explanation later was that it's an "old family friend" and that's "just how they talk". She's been in and out over the last few days and we've been mostly civil. But I check the phone records again today, and if anything she's only ramped up the contact with him.

At this point I just don't see anyway I could ever trust her again. We've been together over 40% of my life and I just feel completely empty towards her now. So, I’m filing for separation this week and will be moving to my new place (that we originally applied for together) in 10 days.

If anyone made this far, I commend you. I'm not sure what I'm looking for by posting this but I just needed to get it off my chest. Cheers!

Motor-Connection5608 · 2023-05-31T16:50:15+00:00

"we simply make each other miserable."

Right here - think about if you are in a job that makes you feel this way, you look to get out. And face it, we spend just as much time at a job as we do at home - just keep telling yourself this when you see her hiding her phone etc. In fact, just tell her you do not care she can do what she wants and then you do what you want - no reason to hid it

Reasonable_Wheel_864 · 2023-06-01T01:49:02+00:00

That’s usually the purpose of separation

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