Women and the trap of "oPeN cOmMuNiCaTiOn"

This post has been in the making in my mind for a very long time, more specifically since I heard of the term "Open communication". This term gets thrown around A LOT by women when discussing relationships. They think that if a couple, friends, or colleagues face an interpersonal issue, they need to sit down and openly communicate about their feelings and what they can do "to make it work". Unfortunately, this technique only works if she's willing to make it work, otherwise it's just a trap to suck up your energy and leave you hanging dry.

Being TRPed for years now and also having a degree in psychology, I immediately knew that this will never work in any relationship for a myriad of reasons. It doesn't matter how much you want to avoid this fact, but humans have been and always will be emotional beings. This means that their thoughts and behaviours at their core are emotions. And the weird thing about emotions is that that they happen in your lower brain, the instinctual one, the one that you can't access, also known as the unconscious. So these emotions creep up to the higher brain and reach your consciousness and then you find yourself feeling, thinking and behaving weird, and that's the beauty of human nature. That inexplicable mystique about us is what truly defines the human experience, and I love it.

The thing with emotions is that they're really hard to describe, and they may seem as something at the beginning but if you reflect deeper with the help of a therapist or by self-applied therapy, you might get to the bottom of them and figure them out. This is something I have personally been practicing for a long time and it helped me overcome a lot of negative and what used to look like "weird uncalled for" emotions.

The ambivalence of human emotions to the consciousness is exactly why open communication will never work. You'll sit down with your partner, she'll tell you that she feels x and y, but I can guarantee to you that 9 times out of 10, the issue is deeper than you both think, and she might hold something against you that even she herself doesn't realize. So it usually goes something like this.

You guys have an issue, this issue propagates into other areas of your life and becomes "serious". The wife or the girlfriend wants to talk about her feelings (because fuck you and your feelings, it's just mE mYsElF anD i), you guys sit down and she starts rambling for hours about how you made her feel, then you reflect on what she said and you realize she actually said absolutely fucking nothing of substance. And then it's your turn.

From experience, men tend to be more factual, honest and straightforward. You state a couple of facts, you give reasons why whatever happened happened, you mention how it made you feel awful and how you just sucked it up and moved on, and maybe you'll apologize (big mistake).And this is exactly what she wanted to hear. And this is exactly what she'll want to hear over, and over, and over again until she sucks you fucking dry then leave you hanging. It's all about the attention, she needs it, she wants you to "open up" about your emotions, she wants you to indulge her in this narrative, she thrives off of it, she loves you seeing losing frame and acting like a little bitch. And once she gets what she wants, she outie.

I can guarantee that the issue discussed will never be solved. I can guarantee that it'll happen again, and she'll have the same talk, and nothing will change again, so how in the fuck do you manage this lose-lose situation?

Do not subscribe. Do not talk about your emotions. Briefly and thoroughly state what you think, listen to what she has to say, and move the fuck on. Don't even bother. She just wants to talk and vent, which as a partner you're kinda expected to tolerate, and you should if you really care about her, but do not do the same thing back to her. You're the captain of the ship. You're worried about your sail and the tidings of the sea, the airflow of the wind and fucking Moby Dick sinking you and Captain Ahab into the ocean.  Her emotions will always dictate how reality is, and her emotions will always change in her selfish favour. Accommodating to her emotions is you losing the battle and entering her reality where she's always right and you're always the douchebag. In this reality, rationality doesn't mean dogshit. You are what she says you are and nothing more.

Please be advised that talking about your emotions and venting helps significantly increasing your wellbeing. It's really good especially if you do it with someone who's willing to help figure out your shit and overcome them. Do not misunderstand this post as a call for men to never disclose how they truly feel - no, I think men should open up about their emotions and get help, but please refrain from turning your girlfriend into your fucking therapist. Refrain from using women as a venting outlet. From experience, the majority of women, unless they'd had some proper training in therapy, will "listen" to you then tell you exactly what you want to hear and won't challenge you or highlight some points that might help you figure out your shit.

And please understand that this is not only applicable to romantic relationships with women, it also applies to all the other areas in your life, such as work, school, social circles...etc.So don't be phased by her open communication and talking about her emotions. Just acknowledge them, use active listening (reformulate what she says, for some reason, it gives her the illusion that you're listening) and cater to your own wellbeing and if I'm being awfully honest with you, she can have her reality however she likes, and you keep doing whatever you think is the right thing to do. Listening and emphasizing is great, but thinking it'll change something is where you're wrong.One last point to mention is that women are sore losers. When they get cornered by reason or when they get called out, they don't acknowledge where they fucked up and grow from their mistakes, they just visibly become very angry and double down. If you take the hostile way of trying to show her how much of a piece of shit she really is, she'll never accept it and she'll leave you instead because now you're abusive. I had encounters with women when I called them out on contradictions in their statements and their only reaction was general disgust and anger instead of an honest and heartfelt conversation like they claim.

I can give an example. I have a colleague I used to be almost best friends with. I don't shit where I eat and my friendship with her is purely professional. She has a boyfriend too. We had some friction over some paperwork I had to do with her, and she was driving me fucking nuts that she's not answering the emails I'm sending her. This has caused me a lot of stress, and I was trying to be patient and cordial.Seeing how passive she was, I sent out an email with an action plan based on the best to my knowledge, and then I texted her in teams asking if she had received the email. She sent me a paragraph saying that she doesn't work for me, it's not her job, and it's now with management. My only question was: why the fuck didn't you reply with that to the dozen emails I sent you over the past few weeks? And then I told her that what has transpired was really unacceptable and responding to emails is a basic skill anyone can do. She went on sending angry shit like a crying child, and I just gave her the thumbs up and took it to management.

A few other instances happened because she never got over it, and management asked me to reconcile with her. They asked me to openly communicate with her and try clearing up some air, which is fair. I got her to a meeting room, and we started the conversation. As expected, she still holds onto some emotional charge since that incident that made her take everything I do or say personally and she was being defensive, whereas I moved on the second my paperwork was done. I pointed that out to her briefly, I mentioned to her that I have no hard feelings towards her, and that my disagreement with her on professional matters are purely professional courtesy.

I work as a consultant and my job is to advise when soemthing is a bad idea and soemthing is not. I do not do these things out of spite to her person, but out of critical thinking and thorough analysis. She misinterprets these disagreements as me attacking her. I noticed often how she makes it about me and her instead of the business, which is really childish and fucking annoying. And the reason I was being standoffish as of late is because I wanted to give her space.

Notice what I did there? Did I cry that she made me feel stressed? Betrayed? Fucking pissed? Drove me crazy? Omg no. If I do that, she gets what she wants, and all she'll do is just say okay I see thanks, fish for an apology, and move on. She herself will never apologize. She'll never even acknowledge the feelings communicated to her. I just know from experience that it's always about them.So be the rock. State your actions, the motivation behind these actions, state your thoughts on the subject, maybe hint at some emotions, but do not let her in on the actual real frustrations and feelings you have towards the situation. She wins and you lose. More specifically, you lose frame.And to all the men out there who genuinely believe open communication will solve their problems, congratulations on being your wives' miserable little bitches. Oh boy are you in for a long train of "abuses and usurpations".

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