My ex wife and I met in high school ten years ago. I originally made it clear that I wasn’t interested in a relationship at that point. She liked me enough to stay friends still and we became fwb. At this point, I was still talking to other girls. As time went on, it felt like we just turned that into a unofficial relationship but where it was toxic because we never defined it and I can admit that the mature thing to do would have been to just not talk to her if I was not that interested.

Time went on and I started feeling/thinking about how much she must care for me because she’s been there since the start, only ever liking me and wanting to be with me. She didn’t date or talk to other guys. I felt like the right thing to do was to start dating officially and we did. Despite all of the really bad fights about where we were in the relationship at that point. I started to develop feelings and felt like she was my girl.

Fast forward, we get engaged and I’m 110% committed. I am doing whatever she wants, doing things for her on my own, taking on full financial responsibility for both of us. Here’s where I thought: okay, we should stop fighting now because we’re finally at the point she’s wanted us at since high school, we’re planning on getting married, things should start getting better between us. No more explosive fights. This is where things start changing.

When we got engaged, I gradually went from someone who could do no wrong in her eyes and someone that was so amazing and helped her so much to a narcissistic, selfish, immature, awful person. I felt like from this point and until our divorce, our dynamic changed so much. She started finding faults in all of my friends and family. Made me feel terrible every time I was around them. Nitpicking constantly. I felt the only way I could make her happy was to do what she wants. Happy in the moment, then would forget shortly and go back to making me feel worthless.

We get married, we have good moments but a lot more bad ones. She started getting physical, more verbally abusive. I felt the only way I could make things okay would be doing more and whatever she wants. This didn’t work long and built resentment, I filed twice within that year. We reconciled after the first time, I really do love her and I know I’m attached to her. We spoke everyday for 11 years through formative years of our lives. We spent so much time and did so much together, met in high school and got married. We called off the divorce and tried again but just a few months in, we got into explosive fights again and I filed.

After I filed the first time, I found out she was out on dinner alone with her guy best friend. I felt extremely sad and tried to work with her on reconciling, even though I filed because she drove me to the point of feeling like there’s no way to resolve things. We got back together anyways like i mentioned earlier but I filed again when things got extreme between us.

During the first month of my filing for the second time, she almost begged me to forgive her and work on things and said she’d do anything. I was really hurt and at this point i felt it was over. By the second month I started feeling bad about it and tried talking about compromise and reconciling, but the convo her end was more now about blaming me and telling how wrong I am. We never got to normal terms each other and the divorce ends up being actually finalized this time.

At this point (7 months ago), my mental health starts declining. I know I feel attached to someone that makes me sad and happy. She starts treating me like I’m just a random guy, but gives me some hope that maybe she’d want to get back. I start getting more attached in a negative way. I know I need to let go. All of our convos are her saying terrible things to me and me apologizing for it constantly. The only time she tells loves me now is when I send her money. How do I fix myself