How do you prevent falling into the trap again?

MomentSpecialist2020 · 2023-09-30T14:57:04+00:00

Prenuptial agreements are a must! Best just live together, no marriage.

RetractingTractor · 2023-09-30T14:59:59+00:00

I could never ever fall into anything similar ever again. Just watching actions, not words. Before my first (and only) marriage I did not know family law, now I do.

causinrucas · 2023-09-30T14:56:29+00:00

Remember that it generally takes seven years to build solid trust with another person. At least to know them at their base subconscious level to pick-up on non verbal cues, dual meaning when they speak, and what they desire from an individual level in life.

If they can be there when times aren’t that great, and specifically work towards pushing through. By cracking a joke, making you smile, being a strong presence. Then there is nothing wrong with filtering the field. You know what you’d want in a partner. Don’t allow a few good months or even a year blind you to possible red flags that will yield a similar poor result.

Find your own happiness, as lame as that sounds. Once you’ve built yourself up in that regard it won’t really matter the amount of failures. Just the one that’s worth building and restoring that type of relationship with.

Kwen_Oellogg · 2023-09-30T15:41:13+00:00

A book that might help you is No More Mr. Nice Guy. It covers this subject pretty thoroughly.

Stay strong brother.

Retying3043 · 2023-09-30T16:17:06+00:00

I fall into the same trap. Codependency, becoming attached to quick. For me, I have learned these lessons in my prior relationships and simply refuse to repeat past mistakes. So I do not date and have the bare minimum interaction with the opposite sex. Keeps me sober and off the love drug. Sick and tired of liabilities in my life and only moving forward from here on out.

HungrySobaNoodles · 2023-09-30T15:14:23+00:00

Perhaps try to understand why you get overly attached to "every girl". Being aware of it is a key step. Looking for feedback from trusted friends is good too. Although it is not necessarily wrong with having strong emotions and feelings towards women, if you haven't already, now would be a good time to explore via therapy. By understanding your emotions, this may guide you better in terms of how to deal with future relationships and interactions. Or at least this is what I have found helpful for me

TheRealDrWan · 2023-09-30T17:20:10+00:00

Just don’t get married again.

Get involved with a woman? Let her know that marriage is not on the table.

Don’t ever do it again, let it be known that you won’t ever do it again. It’s not hard to not do something.

Character_Hippo90 · 2023-09-30T15:17:10+00:00

Maybe by expanding your dating pool and establishing hard self boundaries regarding " no second dates", then maybe after awhile you'll fall into the groove of viewing/understanding it's all about temporary relief. Also, ingrain into your thought process the results of your last serious relationship.

SecretDoctor8121 · 2023-09-30T18:50:49+00:00

Avoid women at all costs.Thats the only way.For me its easy now as a single immigrant dad.

SuperConfused40 · 2023-10-01T03:59:45+00:00

I find being dead on the inside helps

jasoncb123 · 2023-10-01T04:49:41+00:00

DO NOT UNDER ANY SCENARIO ALLOW YOU TWO TO MOVE IN TOGETHER

Mountain_Collar_7620 · 2023-09-30T19:55:08+00:00

Masturbation. Work on Yourself, not others problems. Avoid Women. Get a Cat if needed.

Sex only off own premises and preferably with paid professionals.

Be Your Own Best Friend - Women cannot “complete you” they are not your Mom.

Unconditional Love is for Puppies and Women.

Love Yourself 🧡

techrmd3 · 2023-09-30T16:53:04+00:00

>I often find myself falling very quickly for new girls.

This is normal, accept it. Mentally realize that there is NO WAY you are ready for a serious relationship and YOU sir should be intelligent enough to NOT step in that bear trap of serious relationship/marriage for a good 2 years... RIGHT? right?

Beware, the little darlings who prey on divorced men KNOW this and want to Push you into that trap... beware.

>How do you guys keep your head cool and calm when dating and talking to new girls?

I was mostly lucky. The girls that wanted to lock me down right after my divorce were not good candidates and not that good in the sack.

Unfortunately for me I have met a stellar girlfriend who is all the things I want for in a mate and more. BUT STILL I don't trust my feelings. I may NEVER trust my feelings in male/female relations again. I have made peace that if the price is being alone due to my distrust. I'm good with that. You make your own choice.

>How do you get over those in-love of infatuation feelings caused by the norepinephirine and just be happy in my emotional center and okay being by myself?

I mechanically regulate my relationships. My girlfriends get to keep some toiletries at my house no clothes. There is NO talk of moving in together EVER. I have my place. She has her place. If she has a problem with that.. next (and I have nexted 3).

>It is really hard and my mind keeps obsessing over every girl that I date that I really like.

It was initially but after you bang 5 or so... your brain chemistry gets unbiased towards bonding to any female kitty you see.

BuddhistChrist · 2023-09-30T17:51:10+00:00

Develop feelings to your heart’s content. Just don’t get married again. Simple, really.

idiskfla · 2023-10-01T05:53:09+00:00

My challenge is that I just had genuine fun with my significant other. I just enjoyed things (biking, skiing, traveling) more knowing I was doing it with another human being. While I still have my hobbies now, it’s not as fun doing them alone. And yeah, you can do things with friends, but when your mid-40s, it’s hard to find other guys who are going to want to to fly to Hawaii for the weekend. And obviously you don’t have the sexual intimacy aspect.

On the flip side, I have very little trust in investing time in others at this point unless it’s immediate family. My ability to trust a human again 100% will never return.

So my long-term solution if I’m still feeling lonely and like crap a year from now: get a dog. Only reason I haven’t is I’m traveling a lot at the moment. But if I have a more settled schedule, a dog it is (and maybe a sex robot).

Don’t fall into the trap by creating alternative paths to companionship and minimum standards.

Miserable-Heart-6604 · 2023-10-01T20:41:36+00:00

You don’t have to worry about it if no woman ever speaks to you again. That’s my approach, just being utterly repulsive to women.

Title	How do you prevent falling into the trap again?
Author	CorneliusCarr
Upvotes	8
Comments	37
Date	September 30, 2023 1:58 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/16w7k1o/how_do_you_prevent_falling_into_the_trap_again/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/how-do-you-prevent-falling-into-the-trap-again.1233563 https://theredarchive.com/post/1233563

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