How to let go of the bitterness? Adult daughters tried to manipulate me to leave the house to their mother

dadplup · 2023-11-06T16:24:13+00:00

Sometimes the best way is to figure how things got to that point, and the only way is to talk to them, and them alone, why did they get involved?

I had 2 stepsons and one daughter I tried very hard not to involve them but my ex did, as a result the boys didn't talk to me for a while, one still doesn't, my daughter stayed with me because she had her issues with her mother.

Get to the bottom of it then you might get an idea of what happened and why, yes is true that women stick together, but not always, my daughter didn't, she stuck with me.

Your ex would've benefited from taking the house straight out, someone must have told her she could do that and you could do nothing, when things didn't go her way she complained to anyone that would've listen to her, even turned people against you but those that truly know you wouldn't be fooled. My ex did that and her friends and family turned on me and our daughter, in the end it didn't work the way she wanted,

Don't let the anger blind you to the possibilities that they were manipulated too, and if they just turned on you because they wanted to well then you're halfway there to not dealing with them. It won't be easy but it's necessary

CleburnCO · 2023-11-06T15:15:18+00:00

Hard truth you need to understand-

Women stick together, no matter how wrong or evil one of them is. A woman will not abandon or fail to support another woman unless she is in competition with her for a man or job.

Your daughters are no exception to that rule.

henrysmyagent · 2023-11-06T06:28:23+00:00

Never give anyone a second chance to screw you over.

Ps. Only in the rarest of cases do adult daughters not know that their mother is cheating. Cheating mom's want feedback and buy-in about the new guy from their daughters.

It is more than likely they at least knew about him, and at worst, helped their mother betray you. It goes a long way to explain their subsequent actions on her behalf.

Wild_Debt_8065 · 2023-11-06T20:43:58+00:00

That was your ex wife’s doing. I get why you’re disgusted. I hope you come to peace and don’t forget to cut them out of the will.

Sea-Mission-6316 · 2023-11-06T01:43:14+00:00

Sorry you experienced this. With your daughters, you experienced female own group preference. Women tend to stick together. It sucks to have your children turn against you. I've been in a similar situation. I'm working to build a better relationship with my kids now they are grown, but I'm not sure it will ever be anything like it was pre-divorce. I recommend continuing therapy. Also recommend working to forgive your daughters even if you decide to keep them out of your life. Bitterness eats you up inside. You'll be better off if you can let it go. It's a difficult thing to live with. Good luck to you brother.

jimsmythee · 2023-11-06T16:33:39+00:00

My now exwife tried to do that to me in our divorce. Luckily, my daughters and I have a very close bond. So the deal is they were 6 and 9 when I filed for divorce. The marital home was my house - separate and sole property. But to keep the peace, I had to move out of my own house until the divorce was done. My exwife refused to work. So I had to pay the bills for 2 houses. As the divorce progressed, I told my exwife that I wasn't going to sign over my house to her, there was a mortgage on the house that I was paying.

My exwife told our two daughters, "Daddy is trying to take our house away from us and leave us homeless."

My littlest one came to me with that statement. I sat down with both them and showed them cold hard facts. The house was my house, and I work hard at my JOB to pay for the house. It is my house. And I said that since I work at my job very hard, that even if we lost this house, the 3 of us would never be homeless. I work very hard to support us.

And so my littlest one went to her mom and said this; "Great news mommy. This house is daddy's house and he works hard at his job. If you got a job, you could get your own house."

My exwife called me back screaming at me. I had to hang up on her 3 times. Then I got the rambling hate filled text messages.

Same thing for "Why doesn't mommy have a car?" She crashed all of them and has no driver's license.

sicrm · 2023-11-06T04:38:25+00:00

that’d the day I’d only have 1 daughter left going forward.

and all 3 of them will try to influence her so you’ll have your work cut out for you.

rhpeterson72 · 2023-11-07T06:21:47+00:00

I'm a counselor/therapist and I've seen this many times, as well as with my own divorce.

Others have posted about "own group preference" amongst women. That could be part of it. But it's just as likely/even more likely that your ex has cultivated an insidious victim persona that she engineered to get your daughters on her side.

If you think about it, it's not difficult for women to do. The most recent wave of feminism has proclaimed that women are always oppressed and victimized by men. The courts believe this, as does society at large. It doesn't take much convincing for women to take it to extremes of alienation in cases such as divorce. They frequently play for sympathy as the victim, and they almost always get it.

But here's where I part ways with many responses telling you to cut ties with your daughters. Sure, you feel like doing so, but if you do, your ex wins. Don't give her that win. It will take a lot for you to not go down that road. But you'll come out the stronger man if and when you do.

Get a solid group of brothers to hold space for and with you. Men need buddies/brothers at such times precisely because women can be so narrowly focused. Children eventually figure things out, and when they do, you want to have a relationship to which they can return when they finally see through their mother's bullshit.

Don't fix a temporary problem with a permanent solution. Your daughters still need a strong and competent father in their lives even when (and especially when) they've been temporarily blinded by your ex's narcissistic manipulation.

MR-Ozmidnight · 2023-11-06T06:00:29+00:00

I'm so sorry for you it's bad enough to loss your marriage let alone your Doughters you don't say how old they are but if there nearing or are in there twenties that's so wrong of them to get involved in any part of your divorce but I can truly understand were your comming from, but if you can don't cut them out for ever as life is so short, maybe some day down the track you can talk to them about it, as it sounds like they may have been influenced by others in this, but I'm so glad that your still loving your youngest, show her all the love you can and don't lie ever to them as there not silly they know what's going on, I came from a disfunctonal famaly, And IV been divorced for over 25 years. And I had to look after my son's when the ex ran off, but I never lied to the boys never ran there mother down, and two day, they have more to do with me than there mother who sprouted all the vitreol at me, But I wish you the best and hope that you can make peace with your older girls someday

captainchippsixx · 2023-11-08T02:50:56+00:00

Did the right thing. They joined the stabbing in the back. The poor bastards that marry them are in for the same treatment.

Brilliant-Tomorrow55 · 2023-11-06T02:21:14+00:00

You have to love your kids. You don't have to like them.

However, take into consideration that your ex has helped create their attitude. Stay above ground, keep enough contact with them to let them know you love them, but that you're disappointed. They'll eventually get it, or you'll just have to accept that your older kids are too far gone and focus on the young one. They have to choose what they want in life. You did your job in raising them.

The 9yo can't help herself. That's mom and self protecting behavior. Love her, do fun things with her, realize she's just as manipulated as you, and give her time to see it. Trust your own genes.

You have an opportunity to shift your focus to what you want in life that doesn't involve what was likely bad behavior by your ex that you were just dealing with day to day.

euphramjsimpson · 2023-11-06T04:41:23+00:00

My ex always used to say that her mother was “so narcissistic” and for me to tell her if she ever acted like that. I knew where my bread was buttered so I never did. She dumped me - now it would be stupid in a different way.

She has a sister who is similar. Feigned wisdom that will pull you right in.

It’s been five years but I’ve been saying from the beginning that I am so thankful that we just had sons.

All of that is to say that I hear you. But these are your children and you’re balancing on the one hand your relationship with them, now and potentially forever, with money on the other hand. I understand that financial stability is important but consider the costs.

I browse Reddit and get triggered and I hate it because I think my family should be together. There’s not a good reason we’re not. I feel like all the options I have are bad ones and that the good ones were taken away from me. But I feel like of all the bad choices we have to choose from, one where I’d alienate myself from my children would be the worst.

If you can’t afford not to have her buy you out you should unblock and tell your children. If you can, maybe think hard about why they’d ask that of you. Think also of your young one. Do you think that the decisions you make with regard to her sisters will affect your relationship with her?

I’m sorry you’re going through this. Good luck to you.

althaf7788 · 2023-11-09T10:57:31+00:00

Your mental health should be your top priority nothing else is bigger than that if you thought you can move on little bit easily by blocking your EX and adult daughters then go for it, you don't have to listen to people who will say always take high road and burn yourself to kept others warm which you did it in your marriage and it's time to start new journey where your top priority will be you and yourself.

Title	How to let go of the bitterness? Adult daughters tried to manipulate me to leave the house to their mother
Author	Initial_Topic_4989
Upvotes	71
Comments	25
Date	November 6, 2023 12:51 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/17oqocp/how_to_let_go_of_the_bitterness_adult_daughters/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/how-to-let-go-of-the-bitterness-adult-daughters.1237590 https://theredarchive.com/post/1237590

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