Seeking dating advice from 35+ men

CocoBabeNYC · 2022-07-09T12:59:58+00:00

Hey what's up. I'm about to turn 41, I'm married, so I actually handled this part of my life in my 20s, but I also have the perspective of so many years of experience looking back and understanding what works and what doesn't.

The thing about attracting women in your life is that's it's all about who you are not what you do. And changing who you are is much harder than learning a couple of pickup lines or taking better photos for OLD.

In my experience the two biggest blockers men anywhere experience are FEAR and NOT KNOWING THEIR WORTH. If you change both you will become a different man, not just a man who can go and talk to a woman, but a man who attracts women the second he walks into a room.

So how do you handle these? Let's start with fear and why it is so crucial. In my opinion, the number one thing women are looking for from men is safety and protection. Most guys take this to mean that if they are a nice and "safe" guy with a good 401K, women will fall for them. After all, that's what your mom and dad probably told you your entire life. "Son, go and be a doctor and you will find a good wife to want to marry you". But that's a huge lie. I don't need to mention the trope of the asshole jerk who ends up getting the girl. But it is true.

Men who are a bit assholish show that they are not afraid. On a generic level women feel that a guy like this, who's a bit dangerous and has an edge will be better able to protect her and her baby from male competitors and other dangers. The guy with the good pension fund will be eaten alive. Sad, but this is the reality we live in.

So when it comes to fear, you absolutely must face your fears every day. Understand that if you don't have the courage to express to a woman directly and without excuses that you find her attractive, you lost certainly won't have the courage and balls to fight off a male intruder or a wild animal. Primitive? Sure! But that's how humans work. Do we as a human race need beautiful women to bear healthy babies, when modern medicine ensures that every pregnancy is successful? Logically no, but men still want the most physically attractive woman they can find. Women are the same when it comes to men. They want the men they can feel safe and protected with.

There are many things you can do to overcome fears but there are no magic bullets. You need to force yourself to take action and little by little overcome your fears to the point where you will have no phobias and anxieties. To the point that you are not afraid if someone rejects you, tells you no, tells you to go away, etc. It's mostly the fear of humiliation and embarrassment that stops you. But it's only your ego that's afraid of embarrassment because it doesn't want it's image diminished. If your ego had its way, it won't let you do anything that you haven't already done. But if you want to achieve something new and out if the ordinary, you must absolutely risk rejection and embarrassment. Your ego is just a voice. Don't argue with it. Just laugh it and thank it for its input and go do what you were planning on doing in the first place.

The next piece of the puzzle is KNOWING YOUR WORTH. For many reasons too long to list here men have been brainwashed that their dicks are not as valuable as women's pussies. There is a pandemic of worthlessness that has infected men all over the world in every profession and walk of life. For you to be truly successful with women you not only have to overcome your fears but also realize what you are worth and what you bring to the table.

I had a long post about this so where, but suffice to say most men are raised to try and impress women if they want to spend time with them. Impress them wjth wealth, smarts, how they dress, their job, etc. But the second you try to impress others, you are sending the message that their opinion of you is more important than your opinion of you. In other words, you need their validation and approval to feel good about you. This puts you in an inherently weaker position than any woman you are trying to get. Incidentally the one thing women find absolutely repulsive in men is being weaker than she is.

You need to flip this on it's head. Instead of looking at women and thinking "how can I impress her so she likes me", you need to Chan her this to "I wonder if she's impressive enough for me to like her". You absolutely cannot give away too much early on. Too much attention, approval, validation, eagerness, etc. As a matter of fact, treat these things like valuable currency that you will exchange for things of value from the woman. For example, if she is dressed super nice, you can say "okay, she has clearly put in a lot of work on her appearance and this pleases me. I will reward her with saying hi." Once you say hi and introduce yourself, don't rush to try and impress her. Again, on the back of my our mind always think "I wonder what else she has going on that will impress me".

When you sit rush to give away your valuable currency, its value also goes up. If you give away too much too early on, you are essentially devaluing what you offer. Remember, the things that you have of worth that you can provide are attention, validation, approval, taking her out on a date, letting her have sex wjth you, providing your protection, affection and the biggest of all and reserved only for the most special cases - your commitment to a relationship.

These things are extremely valuable. Do not devalue them by throwing them away early on. Use them sparingly and only in exchange for something of equal or greater value. What does the last thing mean. If you went over and say hi (gave attention to) a woman because she looks spectacular, you are rewarding her for putting in the effort to look nice. If she responds well and engages you, you can give her a bit of validation by complimenting her. If she responds well and is charming and fun, you can think about rewarding her by taking her number to invite her on a date to spend time with you. But vice versa, if a woman acts Indifferent or cold to your approach or compliment, then you need to stop rewarding her wjth anything immediately and withdraw your attention and take it somewhere else.

That's what knowing your value means. As an exercise, you also want to sit down and write 20 things that you bring of value to a relationship. Things life safety and protection, attention, validation, life experience, ability to do XYZ, etc.

Good luck! It's a process, you just need to be committed to it and you will succeed.

fictitious-name · 2022-07-09T17:48:49+00:00

I'm a few years shy of 35 but I've recently started a keto or low-catb diet and have lost 38lbs in the last three months putting me at about the size I was in my early 20s and in line to be fitter in my 30s than I was in my 20s.

I actually got married young and divorced after 10 years but still had a few years of chasing tail in my late teens early 20s. After my divorce, I started the OLD thing but the divorce combined with the weight I'd put on had really done a number on my self esteem and confidence.

I stopped focusing on OLD so much as I started my diet and also started going out to the local bars but to play pool. I would go with the intentions of having a good time playing pool, anything else was a plus. I met more new GOOD friends in three months than I had in the last three years. I learned to be ok with being just friends with girls. Frankly they are an untapped treasure trove of information for the single male trying to navigate dating at our age. I

also finally got to get some good updated profile pics for OLD after I had started losing some decent LBs and it was night and day. I also took advantage of all the friendships I had made from going out, women and men, to get advice regarding best practice for profile pics, for dates, how to act in certain situations etc.

So in a nutshell:

Focus on anything about yourself you might be able to improve upon. Having a personal goal that also benefits your dating life is a win-win.

Try to build your social life and friends group up but not with fake "Instagram friends." You want to meet the dudes that will help you move into your new apt. The ones that will come by to your place to check on you if you're not answering your phone. The friends that will remind you about work tomorrow so you skip that last double shot.

Also, something that was foreign to me, learn how to parlay a romantic rejection into a potential friendship. The most important part is to accept that you are just friends and it does not mean you're going to somehow magically convince her that she actually does have feelings for you and will then sleep with you. Respect the boundaries. You'll be surprised how good a friendship it can become. Plus it almost feels like having a cheat sheet for dating.

Also girls always have girlfriends so although you struck out with girl A, once you show her how awesome you fucking are, she won't hesitate to introduce you to hot girl B and being introduced as "my good friend" and knowing she has probably talked you up will be immensely helpful. Cherish these friendships and respect them.

no_not_this · 2022-07-09T16:46:29+00:00

I’m 36 and never had to turn anything around. Just continuing on. You need to be physically fit. Do your arms fill out your shirts? Is your back a V or a rectangle? Women are physically attracted to strength and someone who can protect them. That is basic biology. So hit the gym.

Play to your strength. Are you funny? Smart? Well traveled? Have interesting hobbies? Use those to your advantage. Put yourself in situations that you excel at where you can be the leader.

Wear clothes that fit. You will look much more attractive and feel better if you have proper fitting clothes. For the love of god don’t wear sandals and jeans. Google male fashion 2022 and see what guys are wearing. Pick something simple and not loud.

Getting dates - OLD is a tool and shouldn’t be your only method. Have 4 pictures. One face. 1 full body showing your body type for example the beach. 2 doing something cool like being Infront of a famous monument or skydiving or whatever makes you fun. I pay for tinder because I am able to match and chat up people before I travel to their location. I usually have 5-6 dates set up before I get on the plane. No matter how good you are some will flake. I’d say 30-50 percent. Don’t let that bother you. It happens.Social circle and approaching women are the best way to get a date.

Money/ career. At your age you can’t be a broke. Even if a women isn’t a gold digger you are expected to have a car and a decent place to live. Sadly if you can’t pay you won’t be playing. This doesn’t mean pay for an expensive dinner on a first date, but if you want to get laid a second date in a restaurant with some wine makes a girl feel really good.

The most important is abundance. I can’t stress this enough. You need to be talking to and setting up meetings with as many women as possible. That’s what “dating” is. This helps in 2 ways. It will help you not come across as needy. Women hate neediness. It dries the pussy up. If she has you texting constantly and giving her all your attention, it’s not long before she’s bored. Secondly, it will save you time. If you put all your eggs in one basket and she decides she doesn’t want you, you are back a square 1 trying to find another women. Done let this happen because it is soul crushing. You put in all this effort and have gotten nothing for it? It kills self confidence. Have multiple women on the roster so when #1 becomes cold, you are already on a date with #3 or 4. You won’t believe how many times #1 comes back because you ignored her.

jjboy91 · 2022-07-09T17:03:17+00:00

As you're indian like me and living in an occidental country well that's mainly the reason. On dating apps it's the least preferred ethnicity, yeah it sucks because even if you do better in life than others, online they will never see you. You may have more options irl tbh.

PenguinLegos · 2022-07-09T13:33:11+00:00

I’m 33 and I’m similar to you.

Like everyone else is saying. You’ll still manage to get the same results but it depends on how determined you are to change. A lot of seduction is really feeling confident, comfortable and happy in your own skin. I’ve learned that it’s really more about courage and taking risks and getting better at social skills and understanding how social norms and body language work.

Shotgun516 · 2022-07-09T23:15:56+00:00

36m here. I just decided recently to start dating women in their 20s lately lol no joke…a lot of fun and if you have a good career and you’re mature but fun, they’ll love yoj

Joe_Doblow · 2022-07-09T16:54:05+00:00

Be social, be confident, shoot your shot often, have hobbies, be interesting, be funny, dress good.

You already have the foundation of being responsible, in shape, good looking, smart. That’s the foundation but also boring. Next you need to spice it up. Dating is social. Social proof is real. Just be into things and get around women who are into those things. Try tennis, any type of group physical thing, activism or charity, dancing or a certain type of music, or other niche type of things going on in your town. You get extra points for being good at these hobbies but it’s not necessary. You only need to try. Hiking is a good one.

fictitious-name · 2022-07-09T17:40:12+00:00

I'm a few years shy of 35 but I've recently started a keto or low-catb diet and have lost 38lbs in the last three months putting me at about the size I was in my early 20s and in line to be fitter in my 30s than I was in my 20s.

I actually got married young and divorced after 10 years but still had a few years of chasing tail in my late teens early 20s. After my divorce, I started the OLD thing but the divorce combined with the weight I'd put on had really done a number on my self esteem and confidence.

I stopped focusing on OLD so much as I started my diet and also started going out to the local bars but to play pool. I would go with the intentions of having a good time playing pool, anything else was a plus. I met more new GOOD friends in three months than I had in the last three years. I learned to be ok with being just friends with girls. Frankly they are an untapped treasure trove of information for the single male trying to navigate dating at our age. I also finally got to get some good updated profile pics for OLD after I had started losing some decent LBs and it was night and day. I also took advantage of all the friendships I had made from going out, women and men, to get advice regarding best practice for profile pics, for dates, how to act in certain situations etc.

nsj23 · 2022-07-09T18:25:26+00:00

My posture. When I sit. When I stand. When I walk. Chest up, chin up always. That did a lot for me alone.

After that, just owning what I do for a living and the hobbies I’m into. Oh and finding something active to do to stay in somewhat relative decent shape.

Principatus · 2022-07-09T16:58:46+00:00

I did multiple things. After I left my ex-wife, I took dance classes. All that bachata and kizomba got me a lot of practice just being with women. Then I moved to Thailand, because dating is so much easier here. I then took hypnotherapy to be more confident with women. Net result: 37 women in a year, a lot of them long term fwb - and met my current fiancée, who is fucking stunning by any guy’s measure.

Doctor0z · 2022-07-09T12:27:56+00:00

For context, I am 38 years old Indian male, have a good career, above avg looks, am well read and keep myself fit.

That's great, but how is your social life? Without OLD or cold-approach, you're not going to meet women without some form of social circle.

Also, why is OLD not working? Are you not getting matches or the matches you get aren't what you want? If you are attractive and put some effort into your photos, OLD should sort of work.

Kennymacdougall · 2022-07-09T17:54:36+00:00

Just forget about women brother. They should never ever be your goal. Just take care of yourself first and make sure you can survive financially. I have not done that and chased pussy, got rejected tons and am financially fucked at my age. Learn from my mistakes, no woman is worth the chase. Not a single one.

Best get a Russian or Asian. I am also Indian and for some reason, especially Eastern European girls are crazy about them. I know because I got three Russian girls now.

slydexian · 2022-07-10T01:18:09+00:00

I will break this advice in two parts based on your Color cos before you even open your mouth, decision has been made.

If you are very light skin, most of the advice here applies to you

If you are dark skin, you would scare off most girls or they won't be interested. Some would do polite conversation but won't open any doors for you and will leave as soon as they can. Cut your losses short and find ones who are comfortable in your presence and not a nervous wreck. Usually guys would not be friendly to you too so don't play social status game cos you have none. Lift, dress professionally to immediately break stereotype, sexy haircut and learn to be positive and fun/funny but not goofy. Cultivate self love and only interact with girls or guys who want to interact. So in short, look sexy and be amazing to girls and guys who are warm and kind to you.

MK2718 · 2022-07-09T12:18:22+00:00

The actions to take when you are 35 are no different than the actions that you should take if you are 20. There are actually a lot of advantages to being 35, in that your dating age range was the last generation before social media completely wiped the attention span of the following generations. You need to learn which behaviors that you are communicating which are unattractive and stop them. If interested, DM me and I will send you some links to some free resources.

red__what · 2022-07-09T20:11:20+00:00

There's only one key, not caring what the girl thinks.

AngeloMacon · 2022-07-09T19:47:56+00:00

I wouldn't say i was bad with women as a younger guy, but got divorced after being with woman for a long time in my mid 30s. I had to relearn how to date, plus adjust for the age thing.

I found being more subtle and indirect with woman worked a whole lot better compared to when i was a young guy. Your age/status/success lends better to just scattershot talking to everyone. 22 year old guy wants to talk to your about the weather or ask about what's good on the menu... 38 year old guy with his shit together on the bank line brings up the crazy weather we are having lately... Basically focusing on just having a conversation that had very minimal flirting works better than any "direct" game. Young guys, go direct but they all know why you're talking to them. Older guys, indirect is the way to go. You're granted a certain amount of respect and they'll genuinely be confused as to whether you're hitting on them or just a friendly gentlemen.

OLD has been mostly a waste of time, although my current relationship is from OLD ironically. The only one ever, previously it was just a bunch of pointless dates and short term flings.

OnceTuna · 2022-07-10T00:02:04+00:00

I wonder if you can remote work for US companies? I would imagine the exchange rate is quite favorable.

P7o7s7t7a7l · 2022-07-10T00:37:27+00:00

Don't date strangers.

Date through people you already know.

Like instead of hitting on the girl at work, ask if she has some single friends.

Don't date your friends' sisters. Date their sisters' friends.

Same with friends' wives. Wives' friends.

Daughters?!?!

When to draw the line.

Ribbet537 · 2022-07-10T04:17:04+00:00

If you are being truthful about having a good career, keep yourself fit, have above average looks, etc then all you need to do is be around more women. Make more friends and out yourself out in the world. Find something you enjoy doing, do it with the same people weekly. Examples: martial arts class, yoga class, local photography group found on Facebook, Dungeons and dragons party, etc.

s_starboy · 2022-07-10T09:25:51+00:00

Hi! I am 35 and in a similar dilemma.

Title	Seeking dating advice from 35+ men
Author	zubake
Upvotes	78
Comments	68
Date	July 9, 2022 11:35 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/vuzrwr/seeking_dating_advice_from_35_men/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/seeking-dating-advice-from-35-men.1254944 https://theredarchive.com/post/1254944

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