It seems that men with many options (because of looks/game, whatever) stay single more, and settle less.

Buddhafish · 2017-02-20T13:46:28+00:00

I think there is some truth to this. I personally do not put up with things that many people tolerate. It could have to do with temperament. If you are confident in yourself it doesn't really matter if you are in a relationship or not. I am just as happy alone, and many times happier. I also have the confidence to know I can make new friends anytime I want to. I see many people that stay together out of fear of being alone. I'm am frequently amazed of the bad behavior people tolerate. Could be they are unaware they are being treated badly. Could be they are more tolerant than me. Could be love addiction.

IAmJohnSlow · 2017-02-20T11:43:42+00:00

I think that has to do with the scarcity vs abundance mindsets

G_Refined · 2017-02-20T14:56:35+00:00

Stay single more, not really. Settle less, absolutely. I can't speak for other guys but I know for myself I am 100% happy with myself and it takes a very fun, awesome girl to add to or compliment my happiness. I feel like a lot of guys turn to game because they aren't happy with themselves and need something external aka a girl to rise them up to a certain level of happiness. The reason it seems like guys who get girls stay single or don't settle is because they have the internal happiness and confidence that attract women, but with that confidence comes a very high standard what could add or increase their happiness. Hopefully that made sense, I feel like it got a little confusing at the end lol.

iamirishpat · 2017-02-20T14:47:21+00:00

Why settle if the next one could be better?

ingenjor · 2017-02-20T13:17:47+00:00

I'd say that it's rather common for top guys to have long-term girlfriends/wives, at least the ones I've come in contact with. Broadly speaking, the "player type" is not super common. But your personal experience varies a lot depending on what type of friends you have and if you go party a lot.

You're right that guys who normally don't do well with women will latch on to the first one showing them a hint of interest, though.

ninja_possum · 2017-02-20T12:50:34+00:00

I disagree. The top guys I know end up with the sorts of wives/gf's men long for

Comyu · 2017-02-20T12:30:04+00:00

I wouldnt say so. If i want relationships there is no reason to have many options all the time. If i am confident that i can get a girl, i dont need to worry about that.

t1mman · 2017-02-20T17:09:35+00:00

Confidence rises, standard rises as well. Confidence attracts woman (and men, for that matters) and the wheel continue to go your way.

Last relationship I ended raised a couple of questions about me, about why I always ended up with the same type of self centered emotional dependant “princess”. So, I decided to stay single for a while. My state of independences (emotionally and financially) enabled me to do what I want, when I wanted (well, at least when I didn’t have my kids!). Got myself out there, had fun, had plenty of options, couples of FWB along the way so i shifted my “scarcity” mindset (She pays attention to me, I’m not worthy, I must treat her like a jewel!!) to an “abundance / I’ll manage anyway” mindset (I wana see if she fits my scales of values, if she answers my need, if not, I’ll find another one). My need during the last 2 years where simple: Have fun! Which I did ;)

In this situation, you don’t act out of scarcity but rather out of abundance. You don’t settle for the one that are only “available” and shows you interests, you act out of abundance and you are willing to take your time for it, either to know if she is right for you (instead of you, trying to be right for her) and that takes more time and more analysis.

And, since you are happy by yourself, and able to get your dick wet every now and then, you don’t end up trying to change for the first girl that put down, you are yourself, act for your good without the fear of ending up alone, and that is to be confident!

rudyLS · 2017-02-20T16:04:23+00:00

Read the book "The Truth" by Neil Strauss, not saying his outlook is any more or less correct than yours, but you may find it satisfying understanding more points of view.

plenty_of_eesh · 2017-02-20T16:57:20+00:00

I mean...... Duh.

Rindo3 · 2017-02-20T18:47:28+00:00

Currently I live in a place with low population, thus, many of the girls I find attractive are already taken (married/engaged). I don't plan on living here in the next 3 years.

So right now, I'm practicing and working on myself so that when I get out of this situation, I will be well-equipped to date and eventually find a girl I want to be in a long-term-relationship with.

This may be a flawed philosophy on my part, but I feel it's better than just 'settling' with someone out of convenience.

My second-to-last gf was awesome, but she was from another country and chose to move back after she graduated College. After a couple years, I'm no longer bitter or anything, but what subsequently happened is my standards are higher because I now have a baseline for what I will accept from a partner.

Let me tell you this, there is definitely a scarcity mindset for me, because there are not many options around. However, I can and do approach women, and when they tell me they are taken, I take it well, and at the end of the day, I'm more comfortable and confident in approaching today then I was yesterday.

So yeah, maybe I'm willing to settle less, and be single more because I am okay with how my confidence/looks projection is going right now. Sometimes your environment makes all the difference just as your personal-environment does.

purplestuff11 · 2017-02-20T19:43:00+00:00

Yeah it's a head thing. I'm amazed at how many red flags I see in my friend's relationships and even more at how they put up with all of it. Like damn there's literally thousands of people who are better for you. Of course they take offense to any sort of criticism and their girlfriends give them the ultimatum of them or me. Wish they'd make the right choice more often instead of putting up with mental, emotional, even physical abuse.

Mohaver11 · 2017-02-20T18:58:12+00:00

As someone recently out of a 2 year relationship I'm discovering this too about myself. I've always been happy that people tell me I'm handsome, but I never really internalized it to a degree where I could shake my social anxiety. But in the last 6 months or so I've really started playing with that idea and seeing pretty frickin awesome results. Making friends has never been easier and I'm passing up girls who might be slightly attractive but who are annoying or whatever because I know I can do better. And that's not to shit on those girls - they're right for someone, just not for me. The difference is now I understand I have the power to choose.

fratticus_maximus · 2017-02-20T22:01:23+00:00

I think I saw something on npr or ted that was talking about the mathematics of finding the optimum mate while not missing out. tl;dr: To find a mate that is 95%> compatible, you need to first determine your total number of years of dating (ex. if you start at 18 and expect to end at 40, you're years of dating is 22). You should reject everyone in the first 37% of your dating career, meaning for the first 7-8 years of dating you need to play the field and do not settle. Afterwards, the next one that comes along that is better than all of the 37% that you rejected beforehand is the one that you should lock down. By doing so, you'll have found someone that is 95%> compatible with you and you won't have missed out on finding a partner (if you wait too long). It was extremely interesting. I wonder how it affects guys though. Guys don't have as much of a "shelf life' as women do. Quick google search: https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/wonk/wp/2016/02/16/when-to-stop-dating-and-settle-down-according-to-math/

TheBetterManZA · 2017-02-20T22:15:19+00:00

One of my friends who has no problems with women basically hit college and has never been single since (maybe a month on his own, tops). Even now he has a girlfriend they seem to occasionally bring other girls into the equation. He's tall, white, long hair, nice smile, and is fairly open minded about substances (he's very skinny but that doesn't seem to affect his attractiveness). Also seemed quite happy to just "go with the flow" even if it meant fucking a girl/dating a girl really casually and then later dumping her because he wasn't that into her.

Meanwhile I get an opportunity for sex once in a while, but if I don't feel a strong connection I don't go for it, even when the girl makes an aggressive move. Part of me likes this but also hates this about myself. I'm pretty sure if I was getting laid more regularly then I'd find getting the girls I really like easier, but I can't stand using a girl who really liked me if I don't feel the same about her.

santereality · 2017-02-21T06:39:52+00:00

There's plenty of attractive dudes that just prefer not to go sleazing around. They don't cultivate options because they don't want to. The dudes who want to cultivate options are the ones that do.

There are benefits to the abundance mentality thing, but don't think that taking up the mantle is going to make you a Lothario.

Title	It seems that men with many options (because of looks/game, whatever) stay single more, and settle less.
Author	irish_coffee1
Upvotes	114
Comments	41
Date	February 20, 2017 9:54 AM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/5v3qod/it_seems_that_men_with_many_options_because_of/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/it-seems-that-men-with-many-options-because-of.1290216 https://theredarchive.com/post/1290216

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