Crosspost from /r/depression: Finding a girlfriend is like a job application.

_ActivitY_ · 2010-11-08T14:59:01+00:00

I think you should concentrate on investing in yourself more than trying to get someone at this point. What do you do as a hobby? Do you play an instrument? Do you write? What are you good at?

By the way. Don't just buy a stranger a drink.

intjpua · 2010-11-08T17:58:53+00:00

We can help. And we will help, if you keep coming back, and working on your problems. Note, however, that this is not a place to get stuff off your chest...it's a place to solve your problems. If you just want to vent, this isn't the right place. If you want to fix it, then you're in exactly the right place.

You have some misconceptions about what women find attractive that you need to correct. You've got a little homework to do on that topic. Start with the sidebar, specifically the "new to seddit" post. You can skim most of it in less than a day, and it will give you a map on which to find some of the things you're doing wrong and give you ideas for doing better in the future.

Pickup a copy of The Game, for the best written book about the gestalt of pickup. It's not a techniques manual, and all the canned routines it talks about are pretty much dead due to overuse...but canned routines are unnecessary. It's the attitude that matters, and The Game covers it better than any other single book. Also, it's a fun read.

Finally, come to us with your specific problems. We can help. We've all been there, we've all had the same kinds of embarrassing and depressing blowouts, and some of us have found a way through them to a much better place. Field reports are like being debriefed after a mission in the military. We help you spot what you did wrong, what you did right, and what you could to better in the future. Generally (with some fluctuations based on mood and luck), each time you go out, you'll do better than the last time, or you'll at least become better at spotting missed opportunities and ways you can improve.

lilninjalee · 2010-11-08T23:05:36+00:00

A few things stand out. First disconnect yourself from the N WORD: "NICE". Don't ever buy drinks for girls you don't know. Hit the gym/break personal records: You'll be shocked how challenging yourself a few times a week by lifting weights will boost your confidence. Become "the man" by doing things that make you happy and setting goals you're passionate about.

cbraga · 2010-11-08T12:13:48+00:00

You don't give us much to go on but I can deduce two things from your post:

1 - you're probably boring

2 - your objective is to get a number instead of getting a girl

Regarding number 1 it's really hard to tell someone how to stop being boring. But if not even your friends want to go out with you do you really expect a hot girl to? So, forget about girls for a month and focus on your friends. Make them like you. Your mission in life as of now is to have them invite you to go out pick up chicks within a month. If not them, then other new friends you're about to make.

Regarding number 2: you must hook the girl first, then get a number when the attraction is mutual. Preferrably after you kissed them at least. Girls won't give their numbers just because you're asking. They're not interested in talking to guys over the phone. They don't want to do job interviews. Refer to the new to this subreddit panel on the right for basic seduction stuff.

apocalyptic · 2010-11-08T15:16:00+00:00

The "common misconception" with regards to romance is that the guy chases the girl and wins her heart. The seduction community turns that on its head and transforms the guy who goes around chasing girls into an attractive male instead.

It opens up alternatives for those who do not like the idea of hitting up every girl and buying them drinks in exchange for a glimmer of hope for romance.

netwiz101 · 2010-11-08T12:49:40+00:00

Probably not a coincidence that you think you're "nice" and some "jerk" thinks you're "boring". Of course, if you keep hiding yourself from everybody, there is nothing for them to get to know, so that could be part of the boringness too.

RedErin · 2010-11-08T14:52:36+00:00

You've come to the right place.

South-West · 2010-11-08T16:12:17+00:00

there is some good advice and some extremely harsh advice being put forward here. From the sounds of things you are just like any other guy that posts here looking for advice. The only difference is it seems you are being extremely hard on yourself. The depression you are facing won't be solved by a girl, it may temporarily but not long term. For this problem talking to your doctor is probably the best thing (if you truly are depressed). As for the gaming part, atleast you talked to a girl, there is step 1, lots of guys out there wouldn't have even said anything so congrats. From the experience you shared here there are a few mistakes you made. Never buy drinks for girls and definatly not in the context of coming up to a girl you havent even said a word to and asking to buy her a drink. The guy coming and taking the girl you were talking to, with experience you will be able to have body language that states that you two are engaged, and then if a guy comes up and interupts he looks rude and truly like an asshole. Keep your head up, ask for some more specific advice, and you'll come a long way

JimmySlade · 2010-11-08T11:50:51+00:00

Whats the easiest way to get a job? Networking.

Same goes for girlfriends. Cold calling companies often results in flaking and rejection. Using connections and networking is an easier and more consistent way of finding a girlfriend and/or job.

Therefore: get new friends, or tell your friends to come out with you. By making new friends, you are exposed to their friends and so forth. Which in turn sets you up to find ladies which often share common interests.

As for other stuff in your post: Nice guys finish last. Assholes end up in jail. Good guys get the girl.

The man makes the clothes.

executex · 2010-11-08T15:27:15+00:00

There may be some issues. Maybe it isn't just that your conversation sucks, but it could be.

I think a good way we can solve this is, if you upload a youtube video of yourself, describing something important. Telling us a story ANY story.

From this we can gather what kind of personality you have, and what you look like (be sure to dress up as if you are going out to a party to pick up chicks), so we can also judge what you look like and whether there's something seriously wrong.

If you're too embarrassed, lazy to make this video then you probably don't want to solve your problem that badly.

Yeah and don't buy drinks.

Realize that sometimes you need 100s of rejections to get one successful thing. Sometimes girls can be desperate too.

ngroot · 2010-11-08T15:41:59+00:00

I went up to a girl I found attractive and tried to strike up some small talk about the band that was playing

So you opened a conversation; that's good. Did you have something particularly interesting and engaging to discuss about the band, or were you just filling time?

Look at it from the chatee's perspective for a second. Do you like making conversation with people who don't have anything particularly interesting to say?

Also:

some jerk came over to her and said

How did he even get her attention to speak to her? If you guys were engaged in an interesting conversation, both of your body languages should have reflected that: shoulders square, feet pointed roughly toward each other, strong eye contact. If he could simply insert himself in the conversation without having to say "excuse me", tap her on the shoulder, or whatever, one or both of you was giving cues that said at the least "casual chat, please jump in", or at worst "save me from this boring-ass dude".

Have you read How To Win Friends and Influence People?

misterAction · 2010-11-08T16:08:53+00:00

You need to work on your confidence. Having it, or lack of it, shows through everything you do, especially body language. Women are hyper-attentive to this and will react instinctively, which could be why you get a lack of outward feedback (ie girls just walk away say nothing).

Let me say this about the guy who cockblocked you: we've all been there. Fuck that guy and all guys like that. They don't have anything of substance to offer a woman except the ability to act like shitheads. I bet you that guy would never have the balls to go up to a woman on her own like you did.

squigs · 2010-11-08T20:15:49+00:00

Forget about the numbers, Go out. Talk to people. Meet interesting people who you get on with. Don't worry about finding them attractive. Chat to girls, guys, couples. If there's something interesting about them then ask them about it.

Never ever buy a girl a drink. There is no positive aspect to it. At best it does nothing. At worst it makes you seem needy. Typically it makes it look like you want them to owe you something.

Now, here's something telling:

I'm a nice guy

Yes. I bet you are. You're polite, amiable, never rude to anyone. That's all good stuff. Stick to it. But you don't have to be passive. Try this - disagree with something. Nothing too personal. Just if someone says something you think is a little simplistic, call them on it.

2010-11-08T21:27:42+00:00

You're not a good guy, so stop telling yourself that. You're not a martyr at the mercy of a world full of bitches and jerks and there is absolutely nothing noble in pretending you are. This delusion is just a way to substitute masochism for self-confidence, which you seem to be sorely lacking.

If you want to stop shutting yourself down and finally fix this problem, you've come to the right place.

2010-11-08T16:57:42+00:00

The reason why your life is not "working" the way you want it to is because you don't love and accept yourself as you are now. That is the key, the most important part of this entire equation. We can give you some fancy routines, and some slick moves, but none of that will help unless you develop a strong, internal sense of worth. I give this advice to people on here all the time because it's KEY KEY KEY to success in any area of your life.

There's a book called "You Can Heal Your Life" by Louise Hay. It's definitely not made to appeal to young men, but I strongly suggest you get yourself a copy and read it.

When you love, and accept yourself as you are now, in this very moment then the rest of your life will work too.

jagermeistr · 2010-11-08T17:10:56+00:00

As someone who tends to also be overdramatic and in the past has been very capable of going into the tank after a few rejections, hang in there. You're only cold until you're hot again- and usually once you break out of cold streaks you break out big.

Only things I can say (and Im not claiming to be some genius with women):

1.) Bars are a joke- movies and tv make it seem like everyone gets laid at bars, they don't. Too many guys, girls are too highly valued. Props to you for going out to do something you wanted to even if you're friends didn't want to go (I like punk and hardcore so I can relate to going to alot of shows alone since my friends aren't into what I like). If your area has a basement show scene, thats a good way to meet girls and hear some good music. The girls at basement shows are also more approachable and less uptight than a girl at a bar will be.

2.) Don't offer to buy girls drinks. Besides for being physically attractive, what has she done to deserve a free drink? Nothing. Once again, more shit tv/movies pump into our heads about how to talk to women.

3.) My friends tease me on this point as I tend to be a otherwise fairly intellectual/non-aggressive guy but NEVER let another guy get over on you. What I mean by that is, I may not be swimming in pussy, but I'm sure as hell not going to be used as a punchline by some wanna-be alpha male. I have no problem being petty in these situations:

"Hey this guy looks like he's boring you, wanna talk to me?"

"Yeah, let's see how boring I am when I fuck your mom and make you watch bitch/faggot/etc."...maybe not to that extreme but you get the point.

99.9% of the time these guys are fakes and cowards (meaning they aren't going to fight you, even if they run their mouths). A girl who sucks enough to actually leave with a guy when he drops a line like that, might actually gain respect for you- although at that point she probably isn't worth it. Only thing I care about at this point letting him and everyone else know I won't tolerate that.

Before people jump on me, I know this is huge DLV in the short term, but in the long term you'll feel better and encounter guys like this less.

nuckingFutz · 2010-11-08T17:11:41+00:00

There's a lot of very different advice in this thread.

Honestly this is the kind of thing that's very difficult to diagnose over the internet. Where are you located?

psykocrime · 2010-11-08T23:12:45+00:00

A couple of thoughts...

Have you been diagnosed with clinical depression, or do you think you have clinical depression? Or are you just feeling depressed about "the girl thing?" If it's the former, I highly recommend dealing with the depression stuff... whether that means a professional therapist or what, I don't know... there are a lot of approaches. But you need to be essentially self-assured, have a good sense of self-worth, etc., as a foundation for dealing with women.

All of that said... You might be displaying body language that communicates that you don't feel good about yourself, or that makes you look needy or unfriendly or whatever. There's no easy way to diagnose that over the Internet, but at least consider looking at some books on body language, and spend some time analyzing your facial expressions, posture, etc. in the mirror and try to consciously adopt the positive body language you want.

And as somebody else here said... reading The Game by Neil Strauss is a good way to get a general handle on the "gestalt" of the seduction community. Note though, that that book is a bit dated now, and it's not wholly representative of every belief and attitude of everybody in "the community." But it gets you a decent overview.

As you'll find out, a lot of this stuff is about establishing your own sense of self-worth, dealing with self-esteem, body-language, and other "self help" topics. Yeah, there are routines and gambits and specific things to use with girls, but a big part of it is just getting you to believe in yourself.

Anyway, welcome to Seddit and please hang around and participate if you find this useful.

gzip_this · 2010-11-09T00:45:22+00:00

Every time I ask for a girl's number she either gives me a fake or asks for my number instead and never calls (and that's if I'm lucky).

Try this. When you ask for her phone number, have your cell phone out and ready to punch in her number. When she asks for your number say you will send it to her. If she balks at this just walk away, she wasn't ever gonna call you anyway.

EncasedMeats · 2010-11-08T15:53:14+00:00

I always keep on my happy face. No one knows how I feel, or ever will.

Find a good therapist.

NJINJI · 2010-11-08T17:34:44+00:00

Maybe OP is only going after HB10's

Title	Crosspost from /r/depression: Finding a girlfriend is like a job application.
Author	_ActivitY_
Upvotes	23
Comments	52
Date	November 8, 2010 11:32 AM UTC (15 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/e2vpj/crosspost_from_rdepression_finding_a_girlfriend/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/crosspost-from-rdepression-finding-a-girlfriend-is.1312817 https://theredarchive.com/post/1312817

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