“You were supposed to be there for me”

playerknowmore · 2024-04-27T18:30:47+00:00

Sometimes, divorce is a punishment for their vision of their empowerment. I remember my wife saying that she paid our mortgage. I also remember her face after I showed her that her debt was barely covered by what she earned.

wisstinks4 · 2024-04-27T13:08:52+00:00

I hope you hit record to capture her alternate universe mind set. If not, start now. She may not be fully present in all things. I just read about a person who had a small mass pressing on their amigliya causing them to make terrible decisions. Health issues in crisis moments is a real thing.

Gattsama · 2024-04-26T22:57:18+00:00

Hey man I was in almost the exact same situation as you. First, I would highly recommend getting the book (paper or audio): "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist" by Margalis Fjelstad. Not saying that your STBX has either of these; just saying that the manipulation tactics, lack of accountability, the idea that all of the problems are due to you, and all of her bad actions are a response to you, etc. are the same. And the book REALLY helped me.

Also check out these two videos on DARVO and JADE:

These are two very common manipulation tactics and arguments that some women use. When you talk about walking on egg shells, her saying I never said that (ie she said it but she didn't mean it like that, it was a cry for help, why didn't you understand, she only said it in response to your poor behavior and if you had changed she would have too), etc.

It's all BS! The purpose of her words and actions are NOT to actually communicate with you, but to elicit a certain response. She will say anything that she believes will get that response. You are going to be both the greatest man ever, her one true love, the person that understands her _AND_ a horrible monster that doesn't care, that never loved her, never wanted her, and that she made a mistake by ever being with.

A normal sane person would NOT be able to make these contradiction statements and actually believe them. The difference between someone with true cluster B issues is that they do actually believe both things to be true at the same time (splitting and emotional reasoning).

Again, forget any diagnosis, just look into the book and the two videos above as a starting point for dealing with this type of woman. The eX use to tell me that she has nothing, we have zero happy memories or moments (every single one was ruined by me), we are not even really married 'we have this piece of paper, but you don't act like a husband,' everything wrong in the relationship is my fault: either I directly am responsible OR he is responding to my bad behavior but that's not her true nature (she's just protecting herself). Uses the termination of the relationship to get compliance. I was told 'you are a huge pile of shit with a little pee of goodness of top' _AND_ 'you are the only person that have ever wanted or will ever want.'

The contradictions are crazy, and ultimately they make you question your own view of reality too. Now that you are moving out, I strongly recommend going no contact. You need time to detox from the dopamine surges that are these types of relationships.

Last point, might be a bit to early but should also ask the questions: why did I pick this person and why did I stay (so long)?

Be safe out there...

capnjackstation · 2024-04-26T22:38:41+00:00

My ex said to me yesterday “what about your accountability in all this?!”

I am 100% not accountable for your affair and breaking your vows.

BlackFire68 · 2024-04-26T21:49:31+00:00

I hear you, loud and clear.

demeve · 2024-04-26T20:49:39+00:00

If I ever post here, how much I miss her and blah blah.. please remind me that she thought of me as a “bad investment” an investment with no return.. please remind me of that

DenyHerYourEssence · 2024-04-26T19:57:10+00:00

Women love holding men accountable for vows when convenient. What they love even more is claiming a woman’s vows don’t apply when their feelings change.

OctinoxateAndZinc · 2024-04-26T19:50:24+00:00

said I was going to be fine and that I do not hate her.

That right there is what probably lit the fuse because deep down they know you dont need them

CrazySanta7 · 2024-04-26T19:49:34+00:00

Many women get a new guy in the mix. Once there seems to be a future, she initiates separation/divorce. When that guy pumps and dumps her, she comes back to her husband, who is her plan B. Don't fall for this b.s.

acg34 · 2024-04-26T19:40:44+00:00

They’re the victim.

demeve · 2024-04-26T19:26:42+00:00

She just made me feel like CRAP!! Saying everything she did was for us. At the cost of her health and her soul. All she wanted was a future for us.. at the cost of not living the present mind you. I told her we cannot put all effort and pressure ourselves to death worrying about the future and neglecting the present and not letting go of the past. She said.. “you don’t have to worry about me now” “you are the only family I have” and now you’re living me.. “I did not know how you felt”. “I’m a monster”. “It’s my fault”.. blah blah.

This is INSANE!!!

TheWormTurns22 · 2024-04-26T19:17:11+00:00

I hope you are doing this sooner than I did, took decades for me to shed this toxic, awful woman. Absolute borderline personality disorder or narcissistic personality disorder behavior, you even used the keywords "walking in egg shells". Classic. May you swiftly be able to enjoy the peace to be yours, and never meet another one of these evil harridans again.

One-Donkey-9418 · 2024-04-26T19:11:36+00:00

Yep. Last words I had with her were ' You abandoned us.' No mention of her extensive infidelity, wrecking the family, having to sell the home, damage done. The make believe world that they live in is something else.

dday_throwaway3 · 2024-04-26T18:53:07+00:00

You're seeing first hand that projection (aka gaslighting) is a self-defense mechanism for women. You can't go a day in this sub without someone posting a similar story to yours.

Title	“You were supposed to be there for me”
Author	demeve
Upvotes	47
Comments	26
Date	April 26, 2024 6:45 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1cdt5sq/you_were_supposed_to_be_there_for_me/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/you-were-supposed-to-be-there-for-me.1516486 https://theredarchive.com/post/1516486

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