What is the point of Marriage if not to be with someone you love?

Nothoughtiname5641 · 2024-12-28T16:57:51+00:00

I'm sorry your going through this. I caught some strong feelings for my manipulative ex as well, and the power dynamic shifted. For me marraige is about having a best friend who you share intamacy with btw.

You're worth it! Give it time and talk to a professional about how you feel!! I'm rooting for you brother!!

RealDamage007 · 2024-12-28T03:03:25+00:00

There is no point…

xjeeperx · 2024-12-28T00:54:54+00:00

For women it’s to secure their future. Most get housing and income.

Icerunner45 · 2024-12-27T21:09:05+00:00

Secular: I have absolutely no clue. I don’t think there is a reason for men to get married anymore.

As a Christian: To create a family.

AstroHustler22 · 2024-12-27T19:14:52+00:00

You've just described a lot of the elements of my own story. I totally put my stbxw on a pedestal, even as she treated me like a nuisance that she would rather not have to deal with. The last few months before telling me that she wants a divorce, she walked around with her headphones on, listening to Taylor Swift nonstop. She started "circling the wagons", telling her family about things that I did a decade ago so now they won't even look at me, much less hear anything that I have to say. What has helped me begin to see light is recognizing that I was in a relationship with someone who didn't value me, even as I poured myself into them. She didn't deserve me and your stbxw didn't deserve you. Someone told me that I had a form of Stockholm Syndrome and that rang SO true. It sounds like you're suffering from the same. You probably can't see a future right now but you will. Get into grief counseling if you can. Recognize that the beautiful soul that you loved is dead and gone, replaced by the woman that you see now.

Ok-Guidance6491 · 2024-12-27T16:31:41+00:00

Very common story. Usually lines up with MLC and Perimenopause AND husband putting her on a pedestal/ becoming codependent. It’s almost like we men start off with lower commitment/codependency than women and over about two decades the roles get reversed.

Expert-Raccoon6097 · 2024-12-27T15:43:27+00:00

This is what happens when you idolize your partner. Her being the reason you wake up everyday is precisely what killed her attraction for you. And now without her you are left with nothing because you gave up yourself for another person. You were never present nor your authentic self in the marriage.

The point of marriage is to support each other while you chase your purpose. Your partner is not your purpose. You did not love yourself or her, you loved the feeling she gave you. Very manipulative.

Hopefully you will learn and grow and get into a healthy relationship where you will see the difference.

For future reference women do not like being put on a pedestal. They want a man to admire and adore and to look up to for leadership. If you are putting her above you then how is she supposed to look up? There is no polarity and no attraction. She doesn't even get to see the real man because you are putting yourself on the back burner for her.

Leave this woman alone. Seek guidance either from a male mentor or a counselor. Learn to love and value yourself instead of relying on a woman to complete you.

Confident-Crawdad · 2024-12-27T14:00:27+00:00

If it's any consolation, you're by no means alone.

In our case, I was too depressed to see how she was struggling and she was too depressed to see how far down I had spiraled.

So instead of talking to me, insisting we get counseling or making some clear attempt to communicate, she just bailed.

Pro-IDGAF · 2024-12-27T13:58:18+00:00

so not to be a dick here but are you saying you loved her because of her looks?

as for the rest of that, i think she has her own demons she couldnt over come and in those cases, no amount of dooting over them is going to change them. you’re damned if you try and damned if you dont.

you need to get a grip and come to the realization that she would have done that to any guy. dont let this define you or it will destroy you.

black65Cutlass · 2024-12-27T13:45:04+00:00

It sounds like she has some mental health issues, and those are hard to overcome if they are not getting help. My ex-wife had a lot of mental health issues that I was not aware of until after we married. She claimed it was just depression and anxiety, but I believe there was a lot more going on. You can't carry a marriage by yourself, I tried for 4 years. If they were not fully there, or even trying, it wasn't your fault it failed. I am sorry you are going through this; it is hard, I have been there.

sicrm · 2024-12-27T13:26:44+00:00

sadly, we’re in a space now if you do too much for someone and always compliment them they can take that for granted and get bored.

then they chase someone who doesn’t do that but those people have been burned by relationships where they used to do that so they aren’t looking for anything serious more times than not.

then they end up reaching out to you to try again.

Long-Review-1861 · 2024-12-27T11:00:57+00:00

Cheaters always say the exact same shit and they all rewrite history. Her mind is full of dopamine and other fluffy hormones right now. You're the enemy to her "happiness" so she's gonna treat you like shit and degrade you. Look on the infidelity subs, everyone has the same story

Reflog1791 · 2024-12-27T03:58:48+00:00

Dust yourself off and move forward. The secret is get a gym membership and dive in. Keep at it for a fuckin month and you will gain much more than you lost. It’s worth a raise at almost every workplace. Women will want to jump your bones because you’re attractive. Put standard ex wife in rear view mirror and don’t look back.

If you don’t get buff you’ll have a much more difficult time coming to terms with this.

necromensa · 2024-12-27T03:38:24+00:00

I’m going through a similar experience. I’m in therapy. Think of it this way: she can’t look like she made this decision because she’s an avoidant cheater. She must craft a narrative that supports the decision. And she will tell that narrative so often to herself and others that it will eventually become the truth to her…until it isn’t.
Your job is to look after yourself now, as hard as that is. Examine the ways you became codependent, needy, and less masculine. It happens to many of us. Don’t be ashamed. Simply correct your behavior. As you do so, your life and actions won’t fit her narrative. It will be harder and harder for her to spin this tale. At the same time, she may recognize the changes in you and come to regret her choices. But here’s the rub, if you make the changes for her, she will smell that for what it is: desperation. It’s ironic, I know. But you must change for you alone (with possibly a thought for the next relationship which will no doubt come in time). So that if/when she does come sniffing around, you will likely not want her and certainly won’t run into her arms as though she hadn’t sought to destroy you.
The fact is that the new guy won’t last. She’s running from herself. It has very little to do with you. She runs. Let her. Become someone you admire and the rest will take care of itself.

Title	What is the point of Marriage if not to be with someone you love?
Author	No-Degree-4548
Upvotes	21
Comments	32
Date	December 27, 2024 3:10 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1hn5hc8/what_is_the_point_of_marriage_if_not_to_be_with/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/what-is-the-point-of-marriage-if-not-to-be-with.1539613 https://theredarchive.com/post/1539613

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