What do you do when nothing works?

LifeBeatsHard · 2026-01-11T05:09:50+00:00

Mate, you are not alone. Apart from the cheating part (where my ex just got bored of me and walked away), your story resembles mine. 8 months post divorced, I moved country/continent because I thought I could be a new person and start everything from scratch, but here I am crying while I see myself on you.

I really get you when you mentioned the fake until make it. That's me, I have been joining groups and trying new hobbies with a big (fake) smile and pretending that I am loving life and that's a special moment. However, I am dead internally, I am just spending time or trying to get distracted to hide a bit of the pain.

I had many ups days when I thought I was healed (at the end of the day, we feel this as a disease and not an emotion), but this weekend I am really down and lonely as usual. I do not even have kids to be strong for. I keep going because I have some work to do, so work keeps me busy (not in a good way), but it's my motivation. Friends in their great marriage don't help at all, they know less than 1% the pain we are suffering.

Then I think, what woman would not like to be with a man on top of his career, without addiction, loyal and respectful, not that ugly who loves traveling?? Then I from what I usually see from most stories in here, is that women praise the opposite... they say they like stability and a mature person, but the wrong ones (usually in debt , with a very ordinary job and full of addiction) are the ones they like. Which makes me worse and thinking whether one day I will be happy and healed again.

Sorry, not much of help but I just wanted to show you are not alone, still I am here for you!!

ShaunyP_OKC · 2026-01-11T00:45:06+00:00

Have you ever just stopped for a second and actually had gratitude for the fact that you went through hell and are still standing and you're actually really doing great?

What you're still attached to is the fantasy of what could have been and how and why someone like your ex wife was not who you fell in love with. It's like mental rape, something like what con artist victims and wives or family of serial killers experience. You've been through one of the most abnormal human experiences, but it was based on what they did, not you! It's not your fault.

Reasonable-Glass-965 · 2026-01-10T18:29:05+00:00

Sounds like me. But I was lucky to discover the affairs after 10 years. She’s now with a guys who’s family thinks it’s normal to do drugs with kids in the house. And I’m also very broken. I honestly can’t give you advice but I’ll tell you that you aren’t alone. I just focus on my kids, building my businesses. And I’ve become obsessed with the gym and pickleball. I tried dating but couldn’t seem to emotionally let in any woman so I stopped as I was tired of hurting innocent women.

I will say ketamine with therapy helped some. But it wasn’t a cure all. I just keep moving forward cause I don’t trust my young kids to spend any extra time with their mom. I know she loves them. But i question her decisions and priorities and how they might influence my boys.

Good luck man. Woman can be cruel but I’ve found some really amazing sweet women out there. I just want to eventually be healed enough to love them back.

dempsey1288 · 2026-01-10T16:23:21+00:00

I’m sorry for the way you’re feeling. I share some of the feelings and frustrations. Nearly 20 years and I’m now separated but not fully divorced for a year.

Based on your responses to other men’s suggestions, I have no advice. Your only response to anything seems to be, no nothing helps and you have no confidence anything will. It seems you’ve accepted this fate and so I’m not exactly sure what you’re asking here. If it’s to simply be heard, then that is fine. I feel for you and so do the rest of the guys.

Otherwise I’d just say you’ve gotta flip the switch. Stop with the self pity and negative attitude about yourself. I know that’s difficult, I struggle with it too. It’s like when they say don’t let a dog sense your fear…easier said than done. But women sense your lack of confidence and have to be asking themselves why they should be with a guy who doesn’t even believe in himself or what he has to offer.

Based on what you’ve shared about yourself you do have a lot to offer. Own that man!

UnknownUsername113 · 2026-01-10T14:49:14+00:00

You’re still hurting from the divorce. I don’t think that finding a new relationship will fix this. In fact, it may hurt any new relationship.

I don’t have the answer you need since I’m still searching myself.

Better-Pizza-6119 · 2026-01-10T09:00:56+00:00

Join a dance club. It will do wonders. One of the best therapy around. Dont bother about partners. There will be plenty.

Dangerous_Item_6879 · 2026-01-09T02:45:15+00:00

What avenues have you used to meet women besides dating apps?

Are you in a big city or middle of nowhere?

Have you gotten your testosterone levels checked? Yes TRT can increase libido like crazy in the beginning but it can also change your outlook on life.

It sounds like you are active and are trying to take care of yourself. The rest is attitude and confidence.

I hate to say this but women have a sixth sense and can tell when you are sexually frustrated. Like others have suggested, massage parlor or even an escort to satisfy your sexual urges.

curtdogg47 · 2026-01-09T01:22:39+00:00

The pain just takes time to fade away, and over time it will fade! Never as fast as any of us would prefer!

I was married 13 years, ex cheated and the wanted a divorce. My 5th year after divorce was when I really started feeling a huge difference in my life! The anger and the pain was very much gone from me! Every so often my ex would trigger the fuck out of me, and it would bring the anger back for a bit. Today Even her ability to trigger me is fading now in my 6th year after divorce!

Hang in there, keep doing the work on you, and while it’s slow and takes time it will get better!

Immediate-Story2562 · 2026-01-09T00:55:47+00:00

You matter to your kids, your family and you should matter to yourself.
I understand the need for companionship because that is a basic human need.
I want to warn you though that thinking someone else aka a new relationship is going to fix your broken parts is a recipe for failure. Not to mention a terrible burden to put on someone else.
Why exactly do you feel broken? Is it the lack of sex, is it the lack of company, is it just a feeling that comes and goes? It seems like you have lots of good things going for you already.
Could it be depression?

Expert-Raccoon6097 · 2026-01-08T20:29:42+00:00

The answer is and will always be to lift heavy weights. Sports and BS exercise won't cut it. 5-6 days per week in the gym lifting intensely.

Make sure your diet and sleep are on point. At your age go get yourself on trt, and throw in a 10-12 week cycle of low dose anavar twice a year.

Until you have done this for a few years and transformed yourself don't tell me you have tried everything. This works 100% of the time.

crager34 · 2026-01-08T19:05:05+00:00

“ I am completely broken from the divorce”

“ I have done/am still doing therapy, I have a good/stable career, I have my two great kids, I have friends (who are all married and will never understand anything that I've been through), I exercise regularly, I play a sport (when I have time), I have done solo trips when the kids have been with grandparents (trying to live life, have new experiences, etc.)”

THE HELL YOU ARE COMPLETELY BROKEN!! That sounds like solid parenting and adulting. Sex is secondary to all that and if lack of sex is breaking you, look yourself in the mirror and start slapping!!

Go find an Asian massage parlor and become a regular (twice a month). You don’t “need” anything more.

TheMindfulWarrior9 · 2026-01-08T17:54:24+00:00

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. Have you tried looking for men’s support group groups that meet in person or at least online via video ? that might be more helpful than general therapy because at least you can talk to people who understand exactly what you’re going through.

derekcanmexit · 2026-01-08T16:41:27+00:00

Man, I really feel this. I don’t have answers, and I won’t pretend I do. I’m only about 3 months into a physical separation myself and already dealing with lawyers, so I’m very early in this. Some days I’m just trying to get through the next hour. I have so much resentment towards my wife for choosing to blow up the family.

What I’m learning so far is that even when you “do everything right,” the pain doesn’t just disappear. Therapy, exercise, work, being a good dad — all of that matters, but it doesn’t automatically heal the loss of being chosen, desired, or loved. That doesn’t mean you’re broken. I think it means you’re wounded, and those wounds take way longer than people admit. I, personally, don't know if I will ever recuperate but I know I need to try.

Right now I’m focusing on what I can control: being present for my kids, taking care of my body, and not making permanent conclusions while I’m still in a lot of pain. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst, and take it day by day.

Disastrous-Ad8464 · 2026-01-08T16:38:10+00:00

We should keep trying!

Delicious-Curious · 2026-01-08T15:21:18+00:00

I see you, too, man. I’m so sorry. I don’t have any magic answers as I walk this journey, too. It’s all do destabilizing after 20+ years together that it’s sometimes hard to comprehend. Keep trying, man. You deserve better and it will come your way.

Mountain-Picture-162 · 2026-01-08T15:11:22+00:00

I don’t have any answers, but I want you to know I see you, and you’re not alone in this. I’ve had to try a lot of different meds, and find a trauma equipped counselor — if that’s you, just hang in there man.

Title	What do you do when nothing works?
Author	Ok_Builder_3285
Upvotes	18
Comments	47
Date	January 8, 2026 2:48 PM UTC (6 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1q7doi3/what_do_you_do_when_nothing_works/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/what-do-you-do-when-nothing-works.1570720 https://theredarchive.com/post/1570720

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