M[37] “blindsided” with divorce from F[39]

LimitAdvanced191 · 2026-06-06T21:33:43+00:00

The sad reality is I can label the disorder.

But shes a person.

People do crappy things.

But a commitment of marriage was just in thr pantheon of rules for me but not thee. Its also a partnership first and a contract second.

Were I to have applied the same rubric og judgment she would have been shown the door far earlier.

People arent buffets.

We dont get to pick and choose.

But when they reach a point where division criticisms and a whole hearted effort to assert power and dominance its time at the bar.

Compound image and narccisism. Which isnt their fault, and its a recipe for disaster.

Shes not a buffet. A person.

And with many posisutvie attributes. But chooses the crappy ones.

I font know why.

And its not really been about me for a while.

And its apparently not worthwhile to offer your time and money.

Reality is she was running a con. Then actually fell in love. Then realised she was running a con.

Lols.

Retruo · 2026-06-05T06:09:25+00:00

Here we go again, another poor sap gaslit to believe it's his fault for his wife not managing HER OWN mental state. What happened to the "for better or worse" vow? Oh, I guess it's OP's fault again for her breaking her own vow.

Guys, stop internalizing 100% of the responsibility for a TWO-WAY RELATIONSHIP.

Love doesn't work that way - but let's face it, the relationship was NEVER about TRUE LOVE. The proof is in how it ended. It was a contract and it's now dissolved.

Also, she's got the new guy already lined-up, you can be certain of it. Women never end a relationship without the next guy being "there for her".

And so, here we have the poor husband talking womanese "I finally learned what it means to listen" while his wife is actively disengaging, dumping all the blame on him, and going to the brighter tomorrow with the next sucker.

I'm sorry to be so blunt but a lot of the guys live in "lala-land" while their women do circles around them.

LimitAdvanced191 · 2026-06-01T20:42:43+00:00

Oh and look into high conflict people. One part temperament thanks.to genetics, not anger mind you to the most part and the rest learnt behaviour and reinforcement. It has to be countered and needs a lot of mindfulness and considered thought.

But some are just plain happy in that.

A friend told me that such behaviour developmentally and for efficiency reasons aka evolution is efficient. The damage it does alongside it passed over.

Oddly a lot of contemporary how do I get to the top basically says think in the present and not of past. I believe theres some roman idioms on those that fail to learn.

And given that stoicism is into its 100th rebrand with let them show you, I would simply say look at high conflict people.

They dont know another way. And it doesnt deliver the win. Attack attack attack.

Then it blows up in their faces. Always does.

Or people see the agenda. Dont keep pace.

Slow is controlled, controlied is fast etc.

UsefulNewt9023 · 2026-06-01T12:52:21+00:00

u/4L0H4 reading this with my coffee on a Monday morning. How are you holding up?

I read through your replies in this thread before commenting. Most of this sub will hand you the easy story. She cheated. She monkey branched. She rewrote history. You didn't take the bait. You stayed with what you actually saw. Most men never do that work.

Seven years ago I sat in an empty house three weeks after I moved her out, staring at walls, replaying every conversation I shut down with a solution. I was the air traffic controller at home too. I heard her, then I fixed it. I never just sat in it with her. When you replied to u/CoastalSailing and wrote "this sounds exactly how I believe I made her feel," I felt that one. I had to feel it too before anything started to change.

One thing I want to come back to. You wrote you lost "my best and only true friend." This is where a lot of marriages crack quietly. When she is your only real friendship, she carries every emotional connection in your life. Part of why she could not reach you is that you were not just not hearing her. You were also leaning on her to be the only one who heard you. Two jobs, one person. Eventually it cracks. The rebuild is not just learning to listen. It is building enough connection in your life that no one person has to carry that much of you.

The grief is real. Sit in it. I tried to skip mine. Threw myself at the gym, the trails, the next thing. It just waits for you. The grief isnt something you do before the rebuild. The grief IS the rebuild. The men who skip it carry it for years. Some of the why you will never get a clean answer to. That's the hardest part. Accept that and you can stop carrying it.

The lightbulb moment you had doesnt disappear when the marriage does. It goes with you. Most men go to their grave defending what they did. You wont have to.

One thing I dare you to do this week. Call one friend and tell them out loud what you wrote here. Not text. Voice. That's where the rebuild starts.

henrysmyagent · 2026-05-31T07:40:23+00:00

OP, have ever met a woman who accepts responsibility for the breakdown in her marriage?

And you never will.

No woman is ever the villain in her life story.

That leaves only you to blame.

In all of the multitudinous HOURS of mindless babble that came out of her mouth over the last two years she just couldn't find the time to express her unhappiness?

Couldn't make a sensible request of you to help improve the marriage?

Bullshit.

ClippedWinng · 2026-05-31T03:18:47+00:00

Best thing you can do is find trusted people to talk to and be vulnerable.

My ex was my only confidant and when she said it was over, and it made me feel so lost. I started by talking to my parents about it, then to my siblings. To not be overwhelmed, I talked to each of them individually. From there it extended out to friends and cousins. Each trusted person I confided in made me feel better about myself. Their support helped me begin to heal.

You got this.

gammaglobe · 2026-05-31T01:20:19+00:00

Op don't start blaming yourself. This is all facade. Female way - venting - is not the only way to correct problems. Male way - actually fixing - is also the way, unlike pop psychology makes us believe. It's social media, friends and hedonistic culture that are working against family institute right now.

MonkeyBranchBuster · 2026-05-31T00:57:40+00:00

If I were you, I wouldn't listen to her reasons as soon you will find out about the other guy (usually it's months before you know) and realize she is just gaslighting you to shift the blame completely on you. Yes, there always is another guy and that guy provides nothing but dick and validation. He just had to show up and dish out some compliments.

tonyway7293 · 2026-05-31T00:05:13+00:00

Almost 100% of the time these “blindsides” are because of secrecy, deception and infidelity on their end.

Happened to me. Happened to a lot of us.

Things are going to suck. Do not take her BS either… they will blame you for it all…. Just like my ex did.

Were we perfect? No. We were lacking in areas absolutely. Were we unfaithful deceitful partners who chose to stomp all over the marriage and trust? No.

Kinda_Dave142 · 2026-05-30T23:43:40+00:00

I was in a similar boat to you in March. Blindsided by a divorce from my wife. In December, we were making future plans with family and our 2 kids and in January she made up her mind it was over. None of her reasons made sense to me, nothing truly connected that made me understand. She was 3 months sober after years of alcoholism. I thought she was having a mental break or something. 2 months later I discovered the affair. Everything fell into place. She'd lied about where she was going/who she was seeing. She'd met someone in late 2025, an emotional affair turned physical. All the healing ive done since the initial breakup is gone. Im back to square one. Let me tell you the Divorce and Divorce Men subreddits have been a HUGE help to me. Look up Rachel Sloan on YouTube. Get a therapist, exercise, walk outside, take time to sit and suffer with your pain. It gets better.

Spared-No-Expense · 2026-05-30T23:14:39+00:00

yep, that's the final fallback script when they literally have nothing they can complain about to justify the as of yet unrevealed affair. "im divorcing you because you tried to solve my problems instead of parroting back what i said and saying what i really needed, which is omg that must be so hard"

Shes working overtime to hide whats really going on and simulataneously make you feel like it was your fault. its the final fuck you of a selfish monster... not that its any consolation, but this strategy (and much worse things soon) at the end of the day comes from a place of self preservation more than actual hate. she wants to preserve her image of herself (self-gaslighting will be involved), her image in public, and ensure she can suck as much financial value from you as possible so she doesnt end up on the streets, or worse, not being able to keep up stylistic appearances. that requires a full court press to paint you as the villain, and disassociate in order to hurt you financially.

godspeed.

invetiablebig · 2026-05-30T23:13:11+00:00

You blaming yourself is sign you were just sensitive guy like me. Usually women initiate the divorce i was also blind sided despite me telling her to come back.

ApprehensiveSpare925 · 2026-05-30T21:33:10+00:00

Let me guess. She never told you until now what bothered her.

She most likely found someone else she thinks she better. Look up monkey branching.

She is just telling you that you are 100% at fault for the marriage failing. I am sure she claims she did nothing wrong. Women love to be held unless it’s accountable.

Ok-Anything-3605 · 2026-05-30T21:02:08+00:00

Resentment go her in my case too, that and unresolved childhood trauma. Give yourself some grace and time to grieve if it gets to that point. I was in your shoes 8 months ago and I’m finally let go. 3 kids and myself is my focus. Send me a chat anytime if you want to vent. I wish you peace

drtij_dzienz · 2026-05-30T20:45:06+00:00

She likely monkey branched: someone at work, gym etc. This is going to be difficult for you to reckon when you discover it, but if you can remove your emotions, it will actually work in your favor. She will be motivated to go through the divorce process quickly.

KingJon85 · 2026-05-30T20:23:52+00:00

It's going to be okay friend. Don't blame yourself for her giving up.

You will find happiness again. Enjoy all the journeys in life. How you handle this will teach you a lot about yourself.

Remain stoic and accept her decision. Women don't change their minds once checked out. Even if she does, its only temporary.

Build your own life and enjoy your freedom.

Title	M[37] “blindsided” with divorce from F[39]
Author	4L0H4
Upvotes	25
Comments	49
Date	May 30, 2026 8:07 PM UTC (1 month ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1tsa27i/m37_blindsided_with_divorce_from_f39/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/m37-blindsided-with-divorce-from-f39.1581690 https://theredarchive.com/post/1581690

Comments