I've stopped caring

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June 3, 2018

At this point I'm just going through the motions. If she gets upset I don't care. If she tries to be sweet I don't care. She's gained 50+ lbs. Around 190 lbs at 5'2. I stopped initiating sex 6 months ago. I still have sex with her if she initiates but it's uncomfortable as her stomach is in the way.

I've played out scenarios in my head. Leaving or cheating is not something I'm interested in. So I'm stuck.

I've been lifting regularly for two years, made life style changes. My progress has been slow but permanent. I get compliments often from guys on my progress which is nice but it does not help my sex life with my spouse.

Part of me wonders if I'm superficial and only care about sex and physical appearance. Why shouldn't I value her loyalty more? Or her honesty? Or other moral virtue? But I don't. Those things are nessesary virtues but all I can focus on isnehat I lack: a full filling sex life.

I know I still have a lot of work to do. My Hope is that maybe she will follow my lead if I get in even better shape.

One plus to this is we don't really fight anymore. But I think it's because I just don't care enough to fight.

Post Information
Title I've stopped caring
Author Iammrp2
Upvotes 6
Comments 36
Date 03 June 2018 01:38 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/204414
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/8o5a3z/ive_stopped_caring/
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Red Pill terms found in post:

[–]2ndalRed Beret21 points22 points  (1 child) | Copy

you say leaving is not an option

you say you're stuck


but your wife knows this. this is why she makes zero effort to keep you.

leaving always needs to be on the table. i don't give a shit about your situation. you got kids, great. we all do. you don't want to leave because of them and i respect that, i really do. but what example are you showing them? what kind of marriage do you think they're going to end up being in?

this is either important to you or it isn't. if it isn't, then get the fuck outta here and go live your miserable life with your fat wife who holds the key to the lock of the cage you're living your life in. funny thing is she doesn't even need the key or the cage—it only exists because you put it there.

if it is important, and something tells me that it is because you're here and you're listening, then do the fucking work and quit wishing life was easy and that your wife will magically start giving a fuck.

[–]ImSteveMcQueen0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

leaving always needs to be on the table.

^ This.

You are a man. Emotionally aware men are driven by sex, visual stimulation, physicality, etc. You have none of this in your life. You subvert your sexual urges because you are repulsed by your wife. You have essentially subverted your manhood because you don't want to force your wife to make changes or leave. No wonder you are stuck.

[–]man_in_the_worldRed Beret8 points9 points  (1 child) | Copy

I've played out scenarios in my head. Leaving or cheating is not something I'm interested in. So I'm stuck.

My Hope is that maybe she will follow my lead if I get in even better shape.

You are a Dancing Monkey hoping your Dance will somehow magically inspire her to change without you having to challenge her. This rarely works.

Either decide that her weight is a deal-breaker for you and overtly set your boundary, thereby risking the relationship, or find and cultivate in yourself a deeper attraction to her for her other qualities. Hope isn't a plan.

[–][deleted] 12 points13 points  (9 children) | Copy

Are you leading her?

You need to be in charge of all meals and make a rule that there are no sugar/chips in the house.

Take her to work out.

Lead your wife man!

[–]PathiMathos3 points4 points  (1 child) | Copy

I agree. Sometimes if you start getting in better shape, your SO will follow. Sometimes they won’t.

I know it seems tedious, but if breaking up with her is not an option, then look at it more as an investment. You leading her into losing weight is a win-win. She’ll feel better about herself, be healthier, basically be all around better, and you’ll get your sex life and more.

And trust me, if she’s loyal, honest, and morally good (which little, if any women are), then her weight problems are nothing. That shit can be fixed.

[–]BobbyPeru4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Sometimes if you start getting in better shape, your SO will follow. Sometimes they won’t.

It took my wife a couple years, but one day she had this woken-up look on her face, and she said “ I need to start exercising and eating right so I can keep up with you.”

She’s lost 35 lbs in 4 months since that day. I never said a word - it was a combination of dread and leadership by example

[–]quentinthequibbler2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

I had to do this. Lots of kino and got her doing low carb diet. Insisted on working out. Insisted on delivered groceries for a while too because she could not resist once in the store.

Also made appointments with nutritionist and acupuncture and massage when she hurt herself. Took the lead and joined a gym with daycare. She’d have never done it. I’m the leader, and she doesn’t always love my get up and go but once I got off my faggot phone and started living, she either had to come along or be left behind. I didn’t want that. But she knew I was willing to do that.

[–]JimboNumberz2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

I honestly do not know if you are looking for advice or just like to whine

You have major frame problems

You need to lose a lot of weight yourself still

May as well meal prep or cook for the family; it will triple dip help you out - helps you lose weight, helps you get a hotter wife, helps your kids

You seem checked out of your family so might actually help your wife see you as a leader

You will get a hotter woman, wife or not, when you’ve fixed yourself

[–]redpillninja2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

I don’t generally comment, being too busy with life and shit, but this post made want to say something since I was (am still) dealing with this. You can look through my post history, but synopsis - wife gained a shit ton of weight after kids, had no drive to lose it, I was miserable.

So... my suggestion is to be upfront with her about everything. Fuck being a pussy about that shit. I’ m not sure your exact situation, you didn’t list any lift numbers, but my guess would be that you are still a newb in the gym, and you are not using any dread.

My gains, or rather her losses, came from me following the dread steps by The Professor. Give less shits about her, focus on yourself, learn to talk to and eventually game other women, especially in front of your wife, and see if she cares.

I was upfront with her after years of passive aggressiveness, the grunts the frowns, etc... lying and telling her she looked great in that sundresses, instead of saying why I thought. After I had the talk, after I learned to dress better, lost weight, gained good weight, and learned to game other women, damn if she doesn’t try her hardest to lose those extra pounds.

If she really wants you, she will see the changes, they will internalize, and she will do something about it. If not, then you are on your way to a better life. Stop being a pussy and get your shit together. It’s been said here before, the stay plan is the same as the go plan. Lift, dress well, groom yourself, game women, take over the world... that last one might take some time. Peace.

[–]simbarlionRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy


She has to want to improve. Dread is only thing likely to give the motivation. She likely has stopped caring too. Ask yourself why that happened....

[–]lasttuesdaystacosGuns of Ramborone1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

The win-win: you look better/feel better, and you are also planting seeds for possibilities you dont imagine yet. You say that you do not want to leave now, but your evolution is only beginning.More gym time, more books. Think about what you want from life every day and find yourself moving in that direction. Good luck!

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

My default disgust level for women raises exponentially the closer they are in weight to me.


She's only loyal because no one else will have her


Have you read the rational male?

Moral virtue

Her feelings for you are one giant manipulative lie. Again, have you read the rational male?

[–]CaliEd2560 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Did she go on anti-depressants? I don’t give a damn what the docs say, those make women crazy fat. Ballooning from 140 to 190 is crazy.

I was dating a woman who started them, she put on 10 pounds in one month (similar height). Told her she had to get off them or I was out. She tried to start a bunch of drama over how “I didn’t understand mental illness”.

Which I don’t, and don’t really care to. Nexted her quick, just glad I wasn’t further in.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Leaving or cheating is not something I'm interested in. So I'm stuck

well good luck then

[–]Flynnjacklepappy0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

It doesn’t sound like you are working Dread. I only needed to lightly introduce competition anxiety to my wife and she started showing concern about her appearance. You didn’t mention your sidebar reading so I’d suggest you start there. Dread at step one and don’t skip or rush this process. Don’t assume she will follow your lead to get in better shape if that is the only thing you are improving. You have work to do.

[–]Germaniac1230 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Hey man,

I feel your pain as I'm in the same boat.

Somewhere during our LTR she got the idea that I'd like it if she grew bigger and bigger. Got to admit, I don't like superthin skanks, there has to be some meat on it.... but there is meat and there is just obese.

IMO after we got married she must have thought "ah i'm married now, long live the good life woohoo". Then she became pregnant and started to eat a lot of candy, behaving badly and whenever I commented on it she said "i'll do whatever the fuck i want. You just do you, i'll do me".

That's when I started reading about RP. On advice from here I cut her some slack after she just gave birth, because that will impact any woman, but now that time has now passed and i need to get to work. In the meantime I've been mainly working on myself (lifting, reading) and started doing my own thing more. I fix shit around the house, am building a new bathroom, doing my workouts, got my own hobbies, etc.

Am I right to assume that your wife/gf is pretty dominant (as well)? She doesn't take anything from you if you tell her to. At least mine's like that but it is now gradually getting better. She had some issues with her back (she has a desk job as well, doesn't move a lot) and when I told her she should do some workouts to improve her body she was "yeah but i dont like doing those exercises". Then she went to see a physiotherapist who said: you should do some more exercises. She got home and told me, honey i need to do more exercises. My physiotherapist said that Pilates would be good for improving core muscles. I guess AWALT.

We still have a VERY, VERY long way to go, but I believe I am making progress, one small step at a time:

  • She does Pilates once a week, spinning once a week at home;
  • Reduced her snacking habits to only in the weekend. If she's in the mood for something in the evening she eats some nuts. I'm not entirely fine with that but IMO it's better than eating some sugar coated rice snacks or something else that's sweet;
  • She looks like she is losing weight and is noticing it herself. I think this is the "major" part here that she actually notices it herself and makes her proud of it.

What I still need to work on:

  • Take her on family cycle trips. She likes cycling, but with a small toddler (< 1 year old) we are bound to certain times during the weekend at which I have my man-things to do like fixing shit. It would be a good calory burner to cycle for 1-2hours once a week;
  • We eat a lot of meals that include carbs. Although I need it for my gains, she does not need it for more gains. She eats roughly 4 slices of bread each day but we also have 3-4 carb based meals per week. This is mainly because she really likes Italian style so she always cooks that kind of stuff. Unfortunately there's always this "carving" for something in the evening, which she gives into.

I am going to cook more meals in the evening without carbs in it.

Sex wise our sex life sucks as well. It really needs some work but I'm having a real problem initiating when there's a belly in the way as well.


You can't change her. She can change her. Still there are woman out that there that really do not give a flying fuck about being fit. This is a real problem and eventually has to be confronted with. We have a less than 1 year old and I am not prepared to drop that bomb yet. I'll keep working on myself. I have also noticed that there is a slight door opening to getting her to become more fit which I need to exploit more.

Also I need to read more (Meditations & WISNIFG are being delivered today) so I can improve myself first and she might follow.

[–]Reject4440 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

So how have you been leading your wife to care more about her weight over the two years you've been lifting and making "life style changes"? Have you led her in making healthier meals for the family?

This has actually been the first (and so far only) area in which I've seen significant changes in my own wife. I started lifting regularly and eating better just 4 months ago after a lifetime of being fat, weak, and out of shape. My wife is probably a good 80-ish pounds above her ideal weight, significantly more overweight than I ever was (despite this, I was/am attracted to her and have never been overtly critical of her appearance or weight).

I lost weight quickly, and gained muscle/strength less quickly, and though my wife knew I was going to the gym regularly and eating better, I didn't explain anything to her or detail what I was doing. Then, two months in, she started mentioning that she would like to start working out too if she could find a way while having to take care of our young children. So I switched my gym membership to a (better) local gym that offers babysitting services, and told her that if she was serious--and was actually going to go enough to justify the expense--she could join up there too, because we would get a family discount. She did and she now goes there to do cardio 3-5 times per week. It's good for the kids too because they like the babysitting area and the opportunity to play with other kids outside of their normal social groups, and they see both of their parents living healthier lifestyles. She has also started (slowly) improving her diet, and because she knows I have been doing tons of research on effective exercise and nutrition lately, she has come to me for guidance on several occasions, giving me good opportunities to continue to lead.

It turns out that my wife recognized the problem with her weight, and was actually very eager to do something about it; she just saw certain roadblocks (like child care and gym expense) in her way as insurmountable and it required her Captain to provide some leadership to remove those roadblocks to help her facilitate what she wanted. Sometime leading our families just means giving them the opportunity to make something possible for them, then getting out of their way and letting them handle their own shit.

Just to be totally thorough, none of this has led to improvements yet in our sex life or relationship beyond the gym issue (I've still got a lot of work to do), but I see this as an early victory for me in my MRP journey and a good foothold to continue establishing my leadership.

[–]InChargeManRed Beret-1 points0 points  (10 children) | Copy

Have some fucking self respect, if not for you do it for your kids. You think it makes them feel good to see their Dad wasting his life living with a land whale instead of a happy life fucking proper woman?

The bottom line is you are lazy. You can argue "it's for the kids" all you want, but the reality is that you are not willing to improve your situation because it is easier to do nothing.

Enjoy the bed you've made.

[–]CaliEd256-1 points0 points  (9 children) | Copy

Yes. His kids would be happier seeing their dad stay with their mom, even if she is a land whale. And at 5’2” 190 lbs she’s morbidly obese and clinically unhealthy.

Regardless, Assuming she’s a good mother (which OP gave no evidence to the contrary), then it absolutely is better for the kids for them to stay together.

Is it better for him? Maybe, maybe not.

Should be stay within his relationship and work on it? Maybe, maybe not.

But divorce does irrevocable, permanent damage to children. I wouldn’t call it “lazy” to seek advice from his online MRP brothers and seek to improve his life.

[–]InChargeManRed Beret-2 points-1 points  (8 children) | Copy

So, I'm gathering you have a fat wife too?

DEER on brother

[–]CaliEd2560 points1 point  (5 children) | Copy

Do you know how to tell when a woman knows your right?

When she starts attacking you personally and/or brings up unrelated conversational points.

Sound familiar?

[–]InChargeManRed Beret-1 points0 points  (4 children) | Copy

Or when they deflect...

[–]CaliEd2560 points1 point  (3 children) | Copy

Correct. Questioning whether my wife (I’m not married)

is fat or not (gf is 5’2” 105 pounds with fake tits)

Is you completely failing to make any sort of logical point. It’s not DEERing for OP to stay in a relationship with a fattie to benefit his children.

AS LONG AS, he’s fully aware of his choice, the reasons for it, and has an exit plan if things get worse.


[–]InChargeManRed Beret0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

My point is abundantly clear. OP is lazy. At this point he is letting somebody else dictate his life. No sex in 6+ months!!! What woman would want to sleep with a guy who hasn't had sex in 6 months. As you said, as long as he is aware of his choices, then that is his business. His choice is to be lazy, have a disgusting wife, be celibate, do nothing to change the situation, then eventually die.

I'd argue that showing your kids that a person has the ability to take control of their situation and do what it takes to enjoy your short time on this earth is probably more beneficial than having them see their father as a sad sack of shit who puts up with their lazy obese mother.

[–]CaliEd2560 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

You’re entitled to your point of view, but if you do research into impacts of divorce upon children, you will find that you are mistaken in your beliefs.

OP could be everything you state. But lazy is not the same as DEERing. And instead of making random guesses about the weight of a user’s non-existent wife, just stay on point next time.

[–]InChargeManRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

From the sounds of it maybe the kids would be better off being adopted...

[–]CaliEd256-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

🤦🏻‍♂️. Do your research, then comment. Someone might make the mistake of taking your advice.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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