It’s been more than 2 years since I first found the Married RedPill subreddit and began to unfuck myself. This post is about my journey, the good, bad and ugly. Really the purpose is for my own self-awareness, I don’t really care about you assholes, but maybe you will get something of value.

I grew up in a good family with a father who told me that I could do anything if I put my mind to it and a mother who was a cold sex denying harpy. My father did what a lot of guys do and stocked up on porn and of course I found it as a teen during the time when my growing body had more testosterone than I could handle. I experimented with drugs and alcohol and got on the wagon with a deeply religious experience and involvement. Instead of getting high I would read the Bible and completed it cover to cover four times. I focused on academics and was able to graduate high school a year early and went to college with an academic scholarship. All of this with no date in high school and awkward interaction with girls at best. So this was the formation of my mental model of sex and male/female interactions.

Fast forward to graduate school, I left my girlfriend 400 miles away to pursue a professional career that promised high pay and stability. I was in the big city knowing nobody and missed fucking her but she found someone else (my first life lesson in AF/BB). My game and frame where awful, I was a shy nice guy who wanted girls to like me for “the good guy I was on the inside” and my career potential (beta provider) . I had descent looks but was not hawt. Eventually my beta game had some success and some girlfriends came and went. At one point I was spinning plates without even knowing (a Japanese girl, an Indian girl, and an Irish girl. I always go for the exotics)

Then one day I met a girl who was giggly, innocent, cute and seemed to follow me around and show interest. We met up a few times and she mentioned her long distance boyfriend who eventually was given the boot. We would make out in her apartment but no clothes ever came off and I found out that she was never with a man before. She was about 25 years old. I dropped my plates and spent more time with her. She went to Catholic church every week and I thought that she made me a better person for being with her.

At one point while making out one night she put my dick in her. Unfortunately, I fagged out and didn’t train her over time to be what I really wanted sexually. Instead, I was a nice guy, I let her drive the bus, not wanting to hurt her, and continued jerking off to fill in the gaps for my needs. We had sex maybe 1-2/month with just missionary position and she got oral.

Meanwhile she had family problems with her grandparents dying, her father becoming terminally ill, and her mother having a chronic illness. There were no men left in her family. She leaned on me emotionally, I was her rock, and her support during the whole time. Eventually we got married. I think she bought a beta plowhorse on purpose because that’s what she wanted.

Fast forward to about 2 years ago. I was frustrated and at my wits end. Why won’t my wife fuck me? I’m horny and love her but she doesn’t want sex, why, how can I fix this? I found Athol Kay’s book which brought me to Married RedPill. It was an awakening unlike anything else in my life and I engaged myself like never before on a path of improvement. I read the sidebar, joined a gym, and began to change internally. I’m not going to rehash all the stuff I did, it’s pretty much the same as everyone else who’s unfucked themselves and the path is well known to those who put in the effort.

I posted a 1 year report last year and felt like I was making real progress but never felt like I had reached the top of the mountain. So many guys humblebrag here about sex on demand, squirting anal orgasms, getting nude texts, or their wife sucking their sweaty balls after a workout…. I had none of that. I did go from a baseline of sex once every 6-8 weeks to about once every 2-4 weeks. Still vanilla sex but improved frequency.

Other areas in my life improved dramatically as I became more unfucked, mostly just by asserting my frame. I was less affected by her actions or moodz, and generally she became more of an accessory to my life rather than the center of it. She was happier and so was I.

I have been called out by some for suggesting that my wife is a special unicorn. I don’t think she’s special, just that she is not typical. I know AWALT, but not every woman is exactly like that. Her deeply religious upbringing and remaining a virgin for so long created mental models that guide her thinking about sex and consequently her actions. She has a sex drive but its muted and the default thinking is one of restraint or repression. That’s why most sex with us happens after alcohol or on first waking up when inhibitions are down. I believe that she has attraction, but ultimately it conflicts with a mental model of chastity and being a proper lady. In short, yes she is a woman, but not like every woman.

As I improved over the second year there was a slight uptick in frequency to once every 1-2 weeks. She still wears old granny underwear and says that my protein shakes have made me into a pervert (she thinks there’s testosterone in them). I own it with a shit eating grin. About a month ago I turned her over and fucked doggy style, she said that it was degrading. I told her it was fun. I can’t help but think back on a comment from someone a year ago saying that I might be successful but the juice may not be worth the squeeze.

Slowly I have become more indifferent as to whether or not I have sex with her, and to our relationship in general. The topic has come up more than once where I said “why would I need to have an affair?” or “don’t give me a reason to have an affair” Her reply was always “don’t threaten me” I made my point but nothing really changed.

A couple months ago I came closer to the conclusion that I’m not going to get what I need in my current situation and there were only 2 choices: divorce or affair. After much thought I decided against divorce, at least for now. We don't have kids. A big reason is financial, she makes a lot of money and I get richer the longer we stay married. Selfish, but I’m okay with that.

For me, it’s would be hard to game women without it getting back to her in some way or without it affecting my business, so I went to an online dating site. Wow, it’s been enlightening to say the least. First off, I just posted a pic of me in a t-shirt with my arms showing. There’s messages sent every day from interested women. I guess women really do like muscles. It’s fun looking at profiles and flirting back and forth. I spend way too much time on that shit but I’m having fun. I’ve met a handful of girls and took one to a hotel room and fucked her silly.

That was a huge step. How do I reconcile my self image of being a good guy with what I did? How can I look at my wife in the eye and say I love her after that? How can I put my dick in her after that? It’s been a journey in self reflection and aligning my thoughts and actions, but essentially, it’s like I told her more than once, don’t give me a reason to have an affair and I won’t. That pretty much sums it up.

I feel like a part of me died when I was with the other girl, I realized that it was just the last vestiges of oneitis and the pussy on the pedestal. Sex is sex, no more, no less. It’s cheap and available for a high value man. If I’m denied and sent out into the world with a full tank, don’ t be surprised that I come back empty.

I continue to pursue plates because it’s fun and I have a full tank. The hardest thing is finding enough time to meet these girls and the time sink of chasing them on the computer and texting. I’m trying to avoid the pitfall of making pussy my mission or seeking validation in the pursuit. I think I’m doing well so far and I’ll have to see where this ultimately goes.

I fully understand the risk posed by seeking plates and that it will eventually be discovered if I continue long enough. That will certainly end in divorce, but so be it. I don't mean that in a butt hurt way, its just the facts. She had first dibs on my sex but passed, so I eventually moved on. I will be fine regardless, more than fine, I’ll kick life in the ass. I’m a man, that’s enough.

Edit: I really don't care what some assholes on the internet think about this post. I'm living my life on my own terms how I want to and I'm happy. If you don't like it, fuck off. I should have thanked those that gave their time to help me along the way during these past 2 years. You and I know who you are.