When the issue of guys and their self-confidence with women is brought up in this sub, in particular guys who lack any positive experiences with women or none at all, yes those dreaded 'incels' that this sub hates with a passion, it's common for people to say things like -

  • "These guys just need to leave the house more and go out and actually talk to women"

  • "They don't even try. They tried one or two times and gave up. They need to pick themselves up and keep trying"

  • "They need to expand or find new social circles. Most couples end up meeting each other through mutual friends and acquaintances"

  • "They should try being friends with women first before they even worry about dating. See women as people first with human flaws instead of just trying to date them all the time"

  • "They need to not let rejection hurt them so much. Everyone gets rejected but they let it completely destroy them"

  • "They need to improve their social skills, forget about sex and dating if you have subpar social skills"

You get the idea. Now the things listed above aren't exactly "bad" advice, it is in fact good advice that should be implemented by struggling guys. However, the thing that people here never seem to mention is external validation and it's importance in self-esteem building, confidence, and overall having a healthy outlook on life.

As much as people love to say things like you shouldn't care what other people think or that it doesn't matter if they think you're dogshit who deserves to die, I think it's being rather dishonest about just how important external validation is for someone to become self-actualized. People take this for granted, especially the people who've been blessed with plenty of external validation that they can't imagine what it feels like to be completely unwanted and invisible. So it's easy for them to casually dismiss an incel's woes by just saying "chin up pal, it's not the end of the world. Just keep trying. Show them how awesome and attractive you are!" Lol.

When someone has never or very rarely received any kind of positive feedback loop, when it's only negative feedback after negative feedback (bullying is a serious issue that only amplifies the problem)...it becomes very easy to fall into a vicious cycle of negative feedback which in turn prevents someone from developing healthy self-esteem and self-confidence, it becomes detrimental to future attempts to better oneself.

Basically, people need a fucking bedrock of positive feedback and external validation to serve as a foundation to build off of. When you've received positive feedback and external validation (specifically when it comes to sex and dating) you can easily trip yourself up into believing that you are in fact sexually desired, that you are in fact wanted and loved, and you thus naturally give off positive vibes and confident vibes to those around you which which makes people attracted and give you more positive feedback. It becomes a cycle of positive feedback, validation, and reaffirmation.

The opposite situation is sadly just as true. Someone who doesn't have any of that past validation or positive feedback to build off of is going to struggle a lot as they wrestle with their own inner demons and basically have to lie to themselves that they are sexy human beings when they have nothing to fall back on to reaffirm that thought. It'll be a difficult uphill struggle, one in which many guys feel simply isn't worth the heartache further emotional pain.

I'm done now. I try to avoid making long posts but sometimes I get caught up in my train of thought that I just keep typing away. If you've made it this far thanks. Your thoughts?