Q4ALL: Have you ever been badly heartbroken? What was it like? How did it shape your worldview?

Butt-Factory · 2017-09-09T20:01:21+00:00

YES.

I was with a wonderful man for about two years, we were very in love. Around the two year mark, he suffered a death of someone close to him that effected him in a huge way. He hit the bottle. I was patient with him. I let him grieve, gave him support when he wanted it and space when he wanted it. I encouraged him to talk to a professional and lay off the heavy drinking, but was afraid to push it due to his fragile state. I had faith he would pull through.

He didn't. With amazing rapidity, he became a raging alcoholic. He would wake up shaky and sweaty, drink in the morning, and black out almost constantly. I desperately tried to help him, but he was wholly unwilling. My sweet, considerate, gentle boyfriend transformed into a monster. It became clear that he was no longer safe to be around. He started having violent outbursts. I had no choice but to give him an ultimatum, treatment or I'm out. He cried, thanked me for caring for him, and refused treatment. It was devastating.

I made the only sane choice I could by leaving him, but I was totally heartbroken and saddled with tremendous guilt for a very long time. I grieved the relationship and stayed single for a few years before meeting my current partner (who doesn't drink at all). He continued drinking, and last I heard had lost his job and apartment. Just a sad story all around.

After that experience, I understand why some people stay with addicted partners, ever when it gets bad. The guilt and feeling as though you're abandoning them in their lowest moment is very real. Also, it made me stop drinking all together.

Mr_Smoogs · 2017-09-09T19:30:27+00:00

Yes.
The worst experience of my life. The pain didn't start to be tolerable until after months of no contact. I felt sick in my stomach, like I was going to vomit. I couldn't sleep at night and had nightmares when I did fall asleep.
I used to trust men by default, but now the only men I trust are my boyfriend and my dad. I think I might actually hate men a little bit. It made me appreciate women at lot more. I used to have more guy friends, but now I avoid them, preferring female friends. I don't believe in soulmates anymore and anything romantic makes me feel sick. I am more comfortable being by myself and don't seek out human connection like I used to. I think I am happiest when I don't have friends actually, as long as I have my boyfriend.

redbullisokayiguess · 2017-09-09T20:06:13+00:00

I was in a 5 year relationship with my best friend. She cheated on me with a guy who had alot of money. Within 3 months of the breakup she moved in with him. I learned then that our entire relationship was faked. She never cared for me like i did her. And she didnt ever once tell me sorry or gave me a proper goodbye.

i dont trust women anymore. I see them as manipulators and liars. Women cannot feel love for men. They are selfish beings. And i will never emotionally open up to a woman as long as i live.

[deleted] · 2017-09-09T20:14:09+00:00

Not really. Only in the friendship department. It's why I don't label people friends anymore. Humans cannot be trusted. I have found therapy helpful to ease some of my animosity.

Fortunately, I do and can trust my boyfriend.

Atlas_B_Shruggin · 2017-09-09T20:56:14+00:00

I think I have been hurt but never heartbroken, I got over it and moved on. There's pain in life you get over it

cxj · 2017-09-09T21:55:05+00:00

I haven't been "properly" heartbroken, as in I had a mutual love that ended only on one side and she dumped me. This is largely because my relationships have usually been poorly defined FWB type nonsense where both of us had one foot out the door for various reasons.

The worst "Heartbreak" I had was a very confusing situation that started out with me in control of the situation spinning "plates" (2-3 FWB) at my job. This was really my prime of promiscuity. I wound up dating one of the girls because my band convinced me I should try having an actual relationship, even though I wasn't all that into the girl. The other major FWB was heartbroken, and I felt really bad about it. I couldn't officially date her at the time for reasons, but I was much more attracted to her than my actual gf. I tried to console her and wound up in a "listening" role, and lost all her attraction. She said some things indicating she wanted to be with me, a couple of my friends dated her, one got really pissed when I found out we'd had sex even though he never would have met her if I hadn't introduced them. In his mind I was the "Chad" he could never beat. I felt really bad for how that turned out, finally broke up with my gf, then it turned out FWB didn't want to be with me when I was actually available, only when I was already with my gf (we both cheated and got with each other). This was the closest point to "Heartbreak" I got, I really couldn't believe after all that she was suddenly over me, but then she also started dating one of my best friends. This dude was good looking but very weird, pedestalized love and relationships and waited till 22 to finally have sex with who turned out to be absolutely the wrong girl to invest heavily in. I tried to warn him, partly out of jealousy and partly out of genuine concern, but he wound up hating me for having been with her first. Drama went on for a year or so until I was at a show I booked (my turf, my crew), where they wound up in a screaming argument at each other, both in tears, and I got my tougher dudes to come help handle it. I will never forget him yelling in tears "SO YOU'RE SAYING CXJ WAS RIGHT, HE TOLD ME THE TRUTH ABOUT YOU??" And she nodded her head and said yes, in tears. He said fuck you to her, then left and none of us talked again for over 5 years.

To this day I'm not sure exactly what broke my heart the most, whether it was the loss of close friends, a girl I really liked, my own disappointment in myself and my moral failures of cheating on a gf who tried her best to make me happy, or the damage my ego took by somehow going from an amused mastery alpha to the friendzoned beta. PUA and TRP explanations helped resolve most of this mystery of the mechanics of how the attraction part worked out. TBH I've just left the whole dumpster fire behind, its not worth trying to figure out exactly what was going on. I'm now casually friends with the main friend I lost again and the girl, we've never discussed it in detail but it wasn't worth holding grudges over.

larrythetomato · 2017-09-09T22:07:49+00:00

If you haven't been heartbroken or at least cheated in life*, TRP is meaningless. For example one of my cousins has a good life and a stable relationship. To him, there is one TRP article that is important, the other 10,000 are bullshit and meaningless to him. Same goes with everyone who had a stable and good childhood that was leveraged into mature adulthood: you don't need TRP.

I mean cheated in the sense that men watched Disney too. Just like girls were promised Princes, boys were promised princesses. Neither of us got what we were promised.

JezebeltheQueen5656 · 2017-09-10T22:57:43+00:00

My exhusband found the manosphere and ruined a perfectly functioning marriage. Started applying "dreads" of almost all levels, withdrew affection and attention. It took me a long time to find out what the cause was, I wouldnt have found out had it not been for a friend who went through the same with her husband. I went through all the stages of grief and finally decided to paradoxically punish him: I hired the best lawyer there was, tore him a new a-hole and now Im taking female lovers only.

Atlas_B_Shruggin · 2017-09-09T19:11:52+00:00

1: Have you ever been badly heartbroken?

Not really.

Simply because I lose feelings quickly if a woman is not interested in me. It's like a built in safety mechanism against heartbreaks, one-itis and similar energy-sinks. It's a perk I wish more beta guys had. Makes things a lot easier.

uto-uto · 2017-09-09T20:37:14+00:00

yes.
it was horrible. i was unhappy, i didn't trust anyone, i kind of lived on autopilot, just moving through days and motions when i had to (work and school). drank a lot; spent as much time wasted as i could, occasionally doing something reckless but mostly just drinking to feel something other than pain, sadness, anger. self-harm (no, i will not elaborate).
for a while, i blamed men, and stayed away from them romantically. eventually through the healing process i stopped thinking that way, and stayed single because it was best for me instead. now, i just know there are some real shitheads out there, and that they aren't worth my time.

TheBookOfSeil · 2017-09-09T20:58:18+00:00

I'm not sure if a lifetime of general rejection and "unrequited love" equates to being "badly heartbroken," but that's all I have.

It never felt/feels good, and I've gotten so accustomed to being alone that I don't really try anymore.

pinkgoldrose · 2017-09-09T21:35:21+00:00

Not really heartbroken, but I've been blindsided (unforeseen breakups, though it was totally their right), and I've been told hurtful stuff by people I cared about (that's kind of gratuitous).
Sad in the moment, a good thing retrospectively.
It didn't affect my worldview, but it did affect my life. I always thought I would just find a boyfriend and stay with him forever. Then I thought I would find a second boyfriend and stay with him forever. I never thought I'd have three relationships that didn't last. I definitely wasn't interested in dating different guys. But life's weird.

[deleted] · 2017-09-10T14:03:25+00:00

My "heartbreak" if you can call it that was that the things in my head (including love and romance) were things that I eventually realized were never going to come true IRL, just because life and real people don't work that way and don't want that kind of thing (or at least, not from me).

Adjusting to 2D waifus and porn wasn't really hard.

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i_have_a_semicolon · 2017-09-09T19:29:19+00:00

Yes I have been badly "heartbroken".

It felt like someone ripped my heart out of my chest and I couldn't breath. It was painful. It hurt. Physically. Idk why.

It didn't really shape my world view. I learned heartbreak is inevitable if you fall in love with someone and they fall out of love with you.

To combat this, you can either not fall in love or make sure the other doesn't fall out of love with you. I chose the latter.

[deleted] · 2017-09-09T20:47:27+00:00

At best I've never been anything more then a stand in for the rich guy who won't touch them. It hurts.

Unfortunately not wanting this is 'entitlement' so what can ya do~

Princeso_Bubblegum · 2017-09-09T20:53:02+00:00

Idk, I have had the experiences so far of years of un-requited interest with my best friend, and my break up with my ex last year.

Neither of those have really changes me outside of me agreeing with the notion that fucking somone can really clear your mind of such emotional baggage. I didn't really get over my ex until I fucked someone else.

alreadyredschool · 2017-09-09T20:53:37+00:00

1) nope

wtknight · 2017-09-09T20:58:27+00:00

Sure
I didn't really want to talk about it with anybody and didn't even want to think about it, so I moved far away from where she was and took up hobbies that would keep my mind from thinking about the past. I didn't start thinking that all women were bad though just because of my bad experience, though.
While I didn't start thinking that all women were bad, it made me a lot pickier about who I wanted to date, so I basically became volcel for a long time, as I felt that if I started dating the wrong person I would just end up repeating the past. After many years I inadvertently met someone who was much better suited for me and I ended my voluntary celibacy.

Lyanina · 2017-09-09T21:22:48+00:00

I've been heartbroken but not "badly." We were together for less than a year so while it hurt, and the circumstances made me feel terrible, it hasn't scarred me or affected my world view. I wish things had gone differently, not so that we'd still be together, but because the way it ended really fucked me up for a bit. But I kind of deserved it; the girl was a walking red flag.

It sucked, I cried a lot for a few months, I had nightmares, I tried to talk to my mom and was met only with relief that I wasn't dating a girl anymore, I failed some classes (what an idiot) because I was thinking about her all the time, I was a lovesick fool for a few weeks before I cut contact, and I got over it.

couldbemage · 2017-09-09T21:42:55+00:00

Yes.

From February to July this year I woke sobbing nearly every morning. We'd been together for seven years, she'd been the stepmom to my kids nearly as long as they can remember. They kept asking me when Mom was coming home.

Didn't really change my world view. Just sucked.

Tyler_Gatsby · 2017-09-09T22:49:23+00:00

Yes
I cried for days, ruined my appetite, my sleep, was depressed for months.
It made me rebound to the wrong kind of person, who also gave me a bad relationship, which turned me into a man ho for a while. I did the whole, "dark triad" thing of trying to get vengeance on them by sleeping with their friends.

I'd say I've learned a lot about the proper balance of a relationship, and am/would be a better SO than I was then anyway, so don't think I'll have that problem again. I know better what to look for, for me, and how to treat, and not treat them.

WhiskersNT · 2017-09-10T00:21:20+00:00

I guess in young love it's pretty easy to feel that way. If you asked me at the time, id have said the years 13-16 were full of heartbreak. Looking back at it with some perspective it's a little funny because that's just how those years go. Man your feelings are intense when you're pumped full of adolescent hormones. I miss it in a way

[deleted] · 2017-09-10T01:02:32+00:00

Yeah, stays with me to this day.

I had horrible "friends" as a teenager, always the beating post or the guy that was used to make one look superior. Anyways, one dated this girl. Enchantingly beautiful, sharp as a knife, artistically inclined with a great taste in music. He abuse her, treated her like shit. Lots of crazy things happened.

Stopped hanging out with any of them when I was like, 18-19. Met when we were all 14. Fast forward, I'm 21. Still anxious, still skinny, crazy, whatever. Still one of those pseudo-nice guys. She contacts me after I complete basic training and am home on leave.

We have an amazing night, she grew up well. We hung out a lot. Then she comes to my place one day, and I thought I should ask her if she wanted to start dating. So we chill, we sit on my couch and she rests her legs on my lap, and I thought the time would be right to ask her. She says no, and she wanted to be friends. I was really mad about it. I was really caught up that she might like me, of all people.

Anyways, my friend cheated on her when they were like 17 and she never got over it, I guess. We were chilling, and she asks me if it's true that he did, despite everyone telling her.

Turned out she exploited my pseudo-nice guy mentality to get answers out of me.

It kills me looking back 4 years later on when I met her when she was 14. Really naive on top of all those positive attributes. Dude really fucked her up, like he did another amazing girl I knew. The other one is in and out of rehab these days.

It really sucks because I can't find anyone I was so into like her.

I learned something: -I shouldn't date/anything until I get over my resentment for myself. Really sucks, feels like I'm at the peak of my life. Physically, I've saved money, I have a good career. But life still sucks, and I'd kill for companionship. But I know I won't let a female (or anyone) see me for me, and I know dating would be a rollercoaster due to my insecurities.

TheBlackQuill · 2017-09-10T03:16:32+00:00

Yes. I used to have a crush on a guy during high school. For whatever reason, everyone knows it despite the fact that I never tell anyone this. Idk, I was trying to make a conversation with him but he made fun of me because of my inability to socialize normally. I realize that it must be because I am too stupid for him. (He is the smartest guy in class) I have been insecure about my intelligence because so many times I have been taken adv of. I hate myself more if anything. Much more than those bullies. If I am smart, none of this would have happened. I don't want to be in LTR or in any kind of friendship until I fix my stupidity. If they say they value just kindness, they are all bullshit. No one wants to befriend a moron. If they do, they just take adv of you. I rather be a lone wolf thanks.

[deleted] · 2017-09-10T05:29:20+00:00

Nope.

I've never been in s position to be heartbroken but I'm also not a very caring and affectionate person so I don't think I get heartbroken easily. I can walk away from just about anything with little trouble.

Yourstruly777 · 2017-09-10T06:19:54+00:00

1: yes

2: pretty bad, self pity, etc

3: That only your blood relatives will always be there. To never give without receiving equal value. That its a dog eat dog world. Don't be a chump. TRP.

GoldPilot · 2017-09-10T07:16:32+00:00

Yep.
It was a bummer. I didn't want to get out of bed, I was irritable, emotionally brittle and generally disillusioned.
It didn't. I just kinda got over it with time. I guess I have a thicker skin now, so that's something.

[deleted] · 2017-09-10T12:35:29+00:00

Sure, anyone who's been in serious relationships has. Was depressed for a bit, at first I wanted her back but eventually got over it and became more closed off to reduce the impact of breakups in the future. Didn't really change my worldview at all.

IHeartDay9 · 2017-09-10T16:12:55+00:00

Yes
The worst pain I've ever experienced. I would dream about trying to kill myself and it not working, and wake up sobbing.
I previously identified as a lesbian. While she was abusing me and the relationship was going down in flames, I experimented with, and ultimately got into a relationship with a man. If it weren't for his efforts, and my eventual pregnancy, I would likely be dead (by her hand or mine). He and I are still together more than a decade later. Even though we are poly, I have avoided serious relationships with women I could have a future with. I remain almost exclusively attracted to women. I will never be in a relationship where I can't easily walk away, and work hard to keep the power dynamic in my favour.

Though I liked who I was previously much more, I genuinely feel I'm much better off having gone through this experience. Now that I have kids, my ability to take care of us in spite of what life might throw at me is far more valuable than the previous depth of emotion I was capable of experiencing.

happyface712 · 2017-09-10T16:20:14+00:00

Yes
It was awful. I met him when he had just turned 19 and I had just turned 20. He was a virgin before meeting me. We were in a relationship for a year and a half and we were SO in love and had relationships with each other's family and talked about marriage and babies one day. But he'd always been a little insecure that I had had sex with other people before him and he hadn't had sex with other people before me. One day out of the blue (and right before Valentine's Day) we were discussing the future and he announced that when I graduate undergrad and he was still in school for another year, we should take a break because he wanted to 'experience hookup culture'. But how could I have been in a relationship with him for a whole semester knowing that as soon as I was gone he was going to try to fuck other girls? He must have fallen out of love with me. It seemed better to end it that moment than love with a relationship I knew was already over. If he wanted hookup culture then dammit I'd do hookup culture too! I was very unhappy and heartbroken for probably about a year.
I don't think it affected my worldview so much as my view of myself. Afterwards, I noticed a lot of my friends/people in my life breaking up and getting back together for similar reasons. But we didn't get back together. I can't try to get him back because I feel like I have too much dignity/self worth than that, but if I was truly worth it then why wouldn't he realize his mistake and try to get me back? I've seen the red pill posts. Hooking up is hard and he's definitely no Chad. I just loved him so much for who he was and I loved the relationship we had. But even if we did get back together I don't think I could ever feel secure in the relationship knowing that maybe I'm worth less to him then I thought I was, or worth less to him then what the internet and media is telling him he's supposed to be doing while young

[deleted] · 2017-09-10T16:21:56+00:00

1, Not really. I have been depressed for from several weeks to several months after breakups but I always recover when I fall in love again. 3, No.

[deleted] · 2017-09-10T20:47:54+00:00

1: Many times!

2: It's the worst! Gut wrenching every time. A constant feeling of my heart dropping into my stomach. It's very painful and theres nothing that you can do about it except wait for it to eventually go away. It always lasts for longer than I think it will, too.

3: I've learned so much about myself and what I want/don't want because of heartbreaks. After enough time has passed I always come to see them as necessary learning experiences, even the really messy ones. I've learned how to communicate better, what my boundaries are, and how to spot potentially bad situations from farther away. Right after a heartbreak is when my worldview tends to be bleakest but after enough time has passed my worldview becomes a little more mature. I guess that's the only way I can describe it.

[deleted] · 2017-09-11T00:39:10+00:00

yes it sucked.

It sucked. there is no reason to detail the experience for other people who are not in my life

Thats not what shaped my world view ( at least by itself) when it comes to women and relationships.

Actually I understand her better now and am no longer angry at her. But - I still don't forgive the HOW of it.

octopusplatipus · 2017-09-10T01:01:11+00:00

1.Yes. 2.it was very painful. 3. It change my world by showing me women can vicious cunts.

Title	Q4ALL: Have you ever been badly heartbroken? What was it like? How did it shape your worldview?
Author	HopefulAboutADHD
Upvotes	15
Comments	259
Date	September 9, 2017 6:58 PM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/6z3i13/q4all_have_you_ever_been_badly_heartbroken_what/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/q4all-have-you-ever-been-badly-heartbroken-what.266137 https://theredarchive.com/post/266137

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