Q4BP: what's the secret to a healthy long relationship?

Wowbaggerrr · 2016-04-18T01:38:09+00:00

All the normal things: love, communication, trust, etc. But I have been given two very specific pieces of advice that I thought were really great for my own marriage:

Keep your love life private! How many of us have been mad at our SO and vented to friends or family? Your friends love you and will almost always side with you. But 50% of the time, the argument is actually your fault, not your SO's. It's so much harder to fess up and say "I'm sorry" after you've been kvetching with your loved ones about how crappy your SO is.
Don't marry just for love. I know, I know, it sounds crappy, but hear me out. In my early 20's, there were two men that wanted to get into fairly serious relationships with me. (Ugh, I know that makes me sound awful.) I would say that I loved both, but one was definitely that butterflies-in-stomach, head-spinning love. Being a dopey 20-something, I asked my dad for advice. He's a sap, so I assumed he would say to follow my heart. But no, married for 30 years, he said love was wonderful, but it fades. Think about the kind of person that you admire. The kind of man who has qualities that you aspire to have, someone you respect. Even 30 years later, when the rush of love fades, those things will endure. I chose the man I respect over the one who gave me butterflies in my stomach. I have never regretted that choice.

hyperrreal · 2016-04-18T01:58:34+00:00

The "secret" is not being neurotic.

So if you either need to have come from a loving family/good background and pick someone else like that. Or get past your neurosis through therapy, meditation, etc.

Basically couples need to be aware of their dysfunctional emotional patterns, and be mature enough to address them together. This is assuming a fundamental level of attraction already exists or existed at some point in the relationship.

Of course doing what I just described is tremendously difficult.

OfSpock · 2016-04-18T02:43:37+00:00

1) Be a mature functional adult.

2) Marry your best friend.

3) Be prepared to support each other through the trials and tribulations of life. It won't always be sunshine and roses.

4) Five positive actions/statements for each negative one.

5) Remember, you're a team. Game playing such as 'dread game' etc are adversarial.

treebog · 2016-04-18T01:18:12+00:00

Trust and communication

sublimemongrel · 2016-04-18T01:21:10+00:00

Being honest about what you want/need, compromise, trust, mutual respect.

ozymandias271 · 2016-04-18T03:09:54+00:00

At some point, anyone you marry is going to be old, fat, and wrinkly. Marry someone whom you can wake up next to when that day happens and say "you know, I'm glad I married them."

Understand your partner: know about their accomplishments, their failures, their emotions, their goals. Make an effort to appreciate your partner's good qualities and be thankful for what they do for you. Do little things with each other-- the dishes, walking the dog, going grocery shopping. Listen. Take your partner's side in disputes. Recognize the reasonable parts of what your partner says. Be tactful when you argue and remember that you're on the same team. Remember that a lot of marital problems can't be solved but they can be managed with compromise and a sense of humor. Have shared values and goals. Support each other's roles in the family.

[deleted] · 2016-04-18T01:17:38+00:00

there will be lots of answers because there isn't just one way to do it... but i think establishing yourself, knowing what you want and need (within reason), and taking the time to get to know your partner before moving through stages of a relationship really helps.

downunderit · 2016-04-18T02:00:11+00:00

I don't buy that MRP creates long lasting happy relationships. I just don't see how manipulation fosters that kind of environment. And having sex with your partner because you are dreaded into thinking they are leaving you sounds horrible to me. The few alpha type guys I slept with became so unattractive to me after a few weeks I was less likely to sleep with them. Its like smoking I hate it but I can ignore bad habits like that for a short time eventually the initial lust fades and then its just annoying and libido killing.

Great relationships from my own experiences.

Communication, Trust, Comprimise, Friendship. All important things. Our sex life is great because we talk about it. We never fight and discuss everything on equal terms.

I don't nag or yell at him but I also don't leave things to fester. If something annoys me I talk to him + vice versa. We then make the comprimise. For instance he has to have the toilet roll hanging a certain way. I couldn't care less but I do it the way he wants because it makes him happy.

I don't talk bad about him to anyone. Not that I have anything bad to say.

We are best friends and were friends for two years before dating. Our relationship is so easy. We love all the same things. We want all the same things.

DrunkGirl69 · 2016-04-18T02:21:16+00:00

My parents said the secret to a lasting loving relationship is having the same goals. They said the only reason to get married is when you both share the goal of having a family. They said that as long as both of your priorities is what's best for your children, everything is pretty simple to figure out after that. They have been married 25 years and there are 6 of us kids. Accidents, illness, and financial distress have put their vows to the test. I notice my grandparents also seem to relish in time with their kids and grandkids more than anything. I think valuing family over everything else is the key to a happy/successful marriage.

[deleted] · 2016-04-18T02:15:11+00:00

The secret is you make your own secret. If you're looking for some universal formula for a happy relationship you're shit outta luck. Life doesn't have cheat codes like that.

It's like longevity: there are certain healthy habits that will increase your likelihood of living a long life but if I rounded up 50 centenarians and asked them what the secret is I'd get 50 different answers.

wazzup987 · 2016-04-18T02:35:05+00:00

I would say trust, communication, similalr goals and ambitions, friendship, relatively equal level of involvement, compromise

TheChemist158 · 2016-04-18T03:48:42+00:00

Communication. That means being able to objectively and calmly express yourself, and being able to listen to and respect the feelings of your SO when they talk. It's not the only thing to relationships, but it is a huge thing, and something that goes wrong in many cases. Being understanding and willing to let minor things go can also do wonders. If your SO forgets to pick something up from the store, don't make a big deal of it, don't make them feel bad, don't start a fight. Of course compatibility it important. You need to be able to enjoy the same things.

shoup88 · 2016-04-18T07:05:40+00:00

Actually liking your partner and enjoying their company should be the default starting point for relationships. If you find little habits and behaviours annoying, or find yourself judgmental about their beliefs early on, that's only going to grow as time goes on, until you dread spending time together. Yes, looks, chemistry, and stability are important, but if you don't love their personality or respect them, none of that will matter in the end.

People move too fast and jump ship too early. If you want a healthy LTR, take things slowly and recognize that there will be periods where you'll consider breaking up, but you should consider the big picture of your relationship.

I've been with my boyfriend for nearing ten years. One of our favourite things to do together is travel. As much as I love seeing the sights and trying new experiences, one of the best parts of our trips is the getting there. Spending time together in transit, sharing snacks and listening to podcasts - it's fantastic. If you can share comfortable silence with someone, that's a great thing.

MissPearl · 2016-04-18T14:30:20+00:00

In my social circle we're the cute couple. Like the gooey (friendly) jealousy creating mwahmwah everyone can tell after three years we're in looooooove. Lots of sticky eyes and snuggles.

And I care about Gentleman an awful lot. Contrary to popular opinion of our friends we don't fuse minds and do everything as creepy body swapping puppets, we're two people with our own bullshit and baggage and needs and agendas.

What matters is treating things like a mutual project where his happiness is actively pleasing to me and the other way around. We do not have a clear cut leader in the pair- I'm more overtly assertive, but he's simply more subtle about his disagreement and it's up to us to meet in the middle. Here's what does help:

1) Have your own activities, hobbies and friends. Your partner should value what you do with your time, but absence allows you to bring new things to the relationship and prevents driving each other crazy from being in each other's pockets.

2) Respect is pretty key, in both directions. Contempt kills connection. Gentleman isn't into being an aggressive battle axe, but admires me being a "Paladin Panda" as he puts it, while I don't have the attention span for a lot of the TV and media he likes, but I enjoy his ability to be passionate.

3) Make time for each other as a couple. We have a kinky sex date night every Tuesday. Sunday mornings we go out and I treat him to a full proper breakfast, where we talk about stuff and eat bacon.

4) Little shit matters. Everyday small gestures matter- for example every day he wakes up to a warm cup of tea. He's pretty confident if he presses up against me he'll get at least a quickie massage. Similarly I know that if I've had a terrible day I can call and be all "Sniff, sniff come and get me plz! Waaaah!" and he'll come fetch.

5) Boundaries. No shared passwords, no policing. You gotta assume good faith and trust their judgement. If you're living like you're in a poorly built house, planning to move will always be in the back of your mind.

6) Communism in Chores Each according to his needs; each according to his abilities applies here. It's reasonable to ask for help and support, but he cooks and I do laundry and a bunch of other chores because he's an amazing cook, while I am more likely to notice there's grey smudgy prints on all the light switches.

7) They don't owe you for being sick. This is something a lot of couples founder on if one of them has a health problem, either psychological or physical. It's all too easy to see that as money in the bank, that some normal shit you do deserves extra credit because they "owe" you for that time they had a panic attack or that time they puked everywhere. Nope. Nope. That way lies madness.

[deleted] · 2016-04-18T02:29:08+00:00

[permanently deleted]

caesarfecit · 2016-04-18T06:10:33+00:00

Here's my take.

I think the secret to successful relationships, regardless of their outcome is simple: two people who change each other for the better.

The one thing I've noticed with longtime couples, especially ones I've known before they got together, they learn from each other. And the further along they get, the more like each other they become.

That way, the idea of splitting up gradually becomes unthinkable, it'd be like cutting off a limb, you won't do it unless its absolutely necessary. You've changed so much together that your identity simply wouldn't be the same without them.

I think the problem with relationships today is that many of them are too superficial. It used to be that settling down and pairing off was a necessary and almost unavoidable part of adult life. Now it's not. So people get together because it's better than being alone, or they view the other person as a trophy (I think this applies to both genders), or it serves their interests. As soon as those superficial motivations stop being true, the relationship disintegrates.

The enemy of all relationships is change. Even the most solid ones end, and they all change over time, and often in ways you can't expect. So I think the secret is to be proactive, and get in front of that inevitable change, by changing in such a way that brings you closer together.

The other key thing I think to remember is that commitment has an opportunity cost, and you can't ignore that. The way that opportunity cost is successfully met is to keep the emotional fuel of a relationship topped up. That's the reason why a moribund sex life or a lack of communication are often a leading indicators of marital distress.

SpaceWhiskey · 2016-04-18T22:04:21+00:00

Marry your best friend. If you can't laugh and share in-jokes and have the same interests in common I don't see how it can last.

YouDislikeMyOpinion · 2016-04-20T05:57:53+00:00

Two people sincerely trying.

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energyvolley · 2016-04-18T03:21:40+00:00

deleted ^{^{^What}} ^{^{^is}} ^{^{^this?}}

Title	Q4BP: what's the secret to a healthy long relationship?
Author	i_have_a_semicolon
Upvotes	6
Comments	132
Date	April 18, 2016 1:13 AM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/4f9he9/q4bp_whats_the_secret_to_a_healthy_long/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/q4bp-whats-the-secret-to-a-healthy-long.275080 https://theredarchive.com/post/275080

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