Disclaimer, the following is satire:

  1. "Men are completely driven by emotion. Make a man angry and there's no turning back. He ceases rational thought completely. The sight is akin to watching an angry monkey fling his own shit at the walls. Women, however, can actually control themselves. How many women do you see getting into drunken barfights at 2:00AM on a Tuesday?"

  2. "Men are incapable of love. Out of the roughly 3.5 billion of them on this planet, not a single one would bother with a woman who doesn't regularly put out. Honestly the only thing they're good for is sperm."

  3. "Men can't take care of children. They're just not wired for it. There's tons of evo psyche which suggests that fathers are literally incapable of loving their children as much as mothers. And now men are getting all pissy with all this Men's Rights bullshit about how custody of children is skewed in the mother's favor. Yeah, no shit, how many times have you read about women raping their own children?"

  4. "Men are incredibly violent, angry, bitter creatures. Men are basically dogs. In fact, the best way to snag a man is to treat him like a dog; give him treats when he's good and a flick on the nose when he's bad. A man, left unchecked, will end up in trouble. First he'll try to hump everything that moves, then he'll get in a fight with some other dog and eventually end up in jail. Men are just too emotional to be out without a leash. As women, it's our responsibility to keep them from tearing eachother's heads off. Keep your man on his leash! Men, like dogs (or, say, children...) appreciate boundaries.

  5. Make sure he gets a job. Men without a woman in their lives will inevitably stagnate into League of Legends-obsessed NEETS (No Education, Experience or Training). KEEP HIM BUSY. Don't let him stay out too late, lest he cheat on you (men are more likely to cheat!), or worse, end up in a fight.

  6. Watch out for shit-tests and know how to pass them. If a man asks your opinion on something, just agree with him. Men are quick to anger, and need to be reaffirmed regularly. Even if you actually think the dribble sloughing out of his face-hole is pure bullshit, go with it; unless he's in a REALLY good mood, never ever ever ever let a man feel like you disagree with him.

  7. "Watch out for stonewalling. "Stonewalling" is the male tendency to shut down completely during an altercation with an SO. They may either sit completely still and unresponsive, or run away in a huff. The WORST thing you can do in this situation is try to break through the wall. Don't. Just wait. He will eventually realize what a complete asswipe he's being and apologize once his delicate feelings subside. If not, find a new plate to spin. There are plenty of pencils to stick up your sharpener."

  8. "A pencil that needs sharpening too often is a bad pencil. If your man demands sex all the time, dump him. He's needy."