When we disagree

EntangleMentor · 2019-11-20T18:48:00+00:00

Sounds like your husband is old-school, like my father. He would simply forbid me from leaving the table until I had cleaned my plate. One time, he told me 'you're either going to eat those eggs or wear them', and then made good on his threat. Back in the day, this was considered normal.

Jussiemariee · 2019-11-20T19:05:10+00:00

Toddlers are definitely picky eaters and that’s normal. However, as children become school aged, our expectation changes. My daughter is almost 6 and if she doesn’t want to eat what I cook, she has two options: go without food or make her own but no junk food. However, she’s a great eater and we almost have no issues.

It’s tricky for small kids so I make the meals as is and let my 2 year old son eat what he wish to eat and I just keep trying. I limit junk food and snacking with the exception of milk for my 2 year old... who is almost 3 and it’s gotten a little better.

MissNietzsche · 2019-11-21T07:38:55+00:00

Please please please, OP. If something doesn’t change, your child’s risk of developing an eating disorder is increased.

I’m in school to be a dietitian, have had an eating disorder since I was 12, and have met hundreds of other girls with eating disorders. Most of us had our parents controlling our food intake in some way or another.

If it’s to the point where “your children can’t eat more salad until they eat chili,” it’s getting out of hand. Also, lying or exaggerating to your husband isn’t just horrible from a RP perspective, but your children will copy that about their own food intake, and that’s where the secrets around food commence.

Zegiknie · 2019-11-21T17:27:03+00:00

He sees it as preference. Yes, children should follow parents' preferences.

But it is not preference. A big man has very different nutritional needs from a child. Find a way to convey this. It is your responsibility as a parent to privide children with a good variety of macros and micros, and if you don't spoil them wirh candy, they will naturally eat what their bodies need. Your kids won't have as much muscle to nourish, so their protein requirements will not be as high :-)

Pola_Lita · 2019-11-20T22:25:49+00:00

I have taken to feeding the kids before he gets home from work, and then exaggerating how much they ate to preserve the peace.

This isn't good. As your children get older it will become even worse. Dishonesty in order to live peacefully shouldn't be the only way to cope.

Children need to learn to eat many different foods for nutrition's sake as well as enjoyment, so the situation isn't entirely on your side of the street - it's also self-discipline. But I think the only way you can show your husband respect without compliance is flat out telling him you won't work with him on this. Which, if you've both agreed that he's the boss, isn't going to be well received.

I don't know if this would work for you, but it has for me: Talk to him and tell him honestly ALL the things you feel about the situation. Talk about how hard it is to follow when you disagree so strongly and talk about why this situation causes such strong disagreement. If it applies, talk about any difference having your kids involved makes for you compared to other situations.

It's not the food or the kids or even the sneaky stuff that matters the most here. You're having a hard time letting him be boss. That matters and if he's a smart man, he'll help you. Hope it works out no matter what you do.

PhaedrusHunt · 2019-11-21T08:41:18+00:00

Oof. Tricky.

One of the worst blowups I remember my dad having when I was a kid was freaking out over the way my mom had made his favorite dish a little different than normal.

I hope your husband doesn't have some ingrained thing that he's completely unaware of but it sounds like maybe he does.

Have you taken a specific time that you've designated to justice issue to sit and talk with him about it when it's just the two of you?

something tells me he might be really sensitive about this when you bring it up.

I think it's best to get your ducks in a row as far as arguments go and all of your rationales, and just go along with what he's wanting while you're doing that.

And bring it up sometime when you're both in a great mood. If it falls flat back off for a few days and send him an email or a note.

Make sure that he realizes that this is not about a power struggle between the two of you but a difference in opinion on what's best for the physical and mental health of the kids.

szsunshine · 2019-11-22T18:02:54+00:00

I didn’t read all of the comments so forgive me if I am repeating.

You are making and planning and serving the meals - you get to choose. I can understand YOU saying “I won’t make three separate meals” but cannot understand your husbands rationale.

If anything, I would prepare “well-rounded” meals. Look up dietary advice for kids. They actually need a lot of carbs because they need energy and burn calories in activity way more than adults. Even non-active kids. Fad diets like Keto (all meat) aren’t recommended for kids that young.

If your kids are overweight then I suggest you talk with their doctor.

In my house I have one kid who likes asparagus and sautéed spinach but hates tomatoes, one who likes spinach if it isn’t cooked and raw tomato but hates asparagus. Same household, same cook, same eating policy. Who can explain it? We eat a lot of broccoli because everyone likes it.

My husband does not argue with my cooking, but if he did I’d put my foot down because I am the cook and I know more about healthy eating and nutrition than he does. (Not very RPW advice though).

pearlsandstilettos · 2019-11-20T19:46:23+00:00

[removed]

novacanelipstick · 2019-11-21T22:17:44+00:00

OP, I think flattery would go a long way in this case. Emphasizing how he is a big strong man and needs so much more meat and protein than little kids to maintain his muscle mass I think would do wonders. I would even say this in front of the kids, and give his muscles a squeeze. There's nothing wrong with laying it on thick. I think if you put the facts in a very feminine way, and emphasize what a man he is, he is more likely to feel good about something that would otherwise be very touchy. If you present the facts cold blank he will feel defensive. I would.

LateralThinker13 · 2019-11-22T16:55:31+00:00

I feel like as I am cooking the meal, serving the meal, and cleaning up the meal in 100% totality, it's firmly on my side of the street. So my question is how do I show respect without compliance?

You're rationalizing, deflecting, and evading. And you don't realize you're doing it. Let's address this.

My husband and I have a significant parenting disagreement. My kids 8&2 are kinda picky,

Are they YOUR kids (i.e. from a previous relationship), or are they your and your husband's kids? I ask because you didn't say OUR kids, you said MY kids - and this could be a factor.

my husband is very vocal about his anger with this strategy, he believes that children should eat the way he prefers

And you don't. So every time you don't follow this strategy, you're disrespecting his leadership and upbringing. But in a passive, I'll just quietly do it my way and not actually ADDRESS the issue kind of way. Which is the crappy passive female way.

I have taken to feeding the kids before he gets home from work, and then exaggerating how much they ate to preserve the peace.

So you're now evading and LYING to him to preserve the peace. I assume because you don't want to spend the energy to actually fully and healthily resolve the issue.

How do I disagree while still respecting him, but not giving in to starving my kids if they won't eat what he wants them to eat.

But you haven't said they won't eat what he eats. You're caving in to THEIR preference to carbs. Parents dictate what children do; you're being wishy-washy to both your kids AND your husband, AND just passively exerting your preferences in a defiant non-defiance kind of way.

It's the worst of all worlds because it's underhanded. It's not a fight, it's disobedience and disrespect. That's WORSE in many ways, AND it undermines your kids' respect for you AND your husband.

No, I'm not exaggerating. Your unwillingness to actually sit your husband down and negotiate feeding/parenting styles, and then STICK TO what you agree with (rather than exaggerating, lying, and deceiving), is going to cause him to LEAVE YOU one day. Not over this small issue per se, but because he can't trust you and you undermine his leadership.

Do you see that? This is a small issue that is actually REALLY important and indicative of your relationship and personality. And it's alarming.

Now, that's not to say that he's RIGHT about his stance. I think he's a dinosaur in some ways. But you follow his lead unless you have a GOOD reason not to - and I haven't heard one yet, just "I don't wanna."

gdobssor · 2019-11-23T15:29:14+00:00

Tell him that you’re the cook, you’re the boss. End of story. He doesn’t cook, he doesn’t make the rules. Gosh, I can’t stand ‘parents’ who directly encourage overeating by forcing kids to eat everything on their plate. I would be absolutely livid if my future husband ever harmed the kids like that, and I say this as someone who has worked in childcare and someone whose own parents forced me to eat everything when I was already full. It’s extremely unhealthy and encourages eating disorders and it makes my blood boil.

Jussiemariee · 2019-11-27T03:08:10+00:00

So, I've spent a long time thinking and taking to him about this. It seems to come Down to a respect issue, but not with my respect for him. He sees it as an issue of the kids not respecting me.

This is 2 fold, because I make the main meal for his tastes, he feels like that is the important part, so if the kids dont eat it, it is disrespectful, but the side dishes, are less important to him, so he does not care if the kids eat them or not.

He has absolutely no concern for nutrition or meal composition, (where as a mom, that is more important to me)but because I cook for him, the meals are always similar to what he likes and thus not really in the taste profile for a 2 year old (spicy, and meat heavy).

I think the main goal needs to be around respect at meal times, as well as trying to find common ground with the meat heavy vs more kid friendly foods.

WhiteDough · 2019-11-20T18:41:31+00:00

Your kids will get over their pickiness, you're letting them control you when it should be the opposite.

Your husband is right, kids do need to eat more animal products instead of carbs, and his anger is probably due to the fact that you keep on going against what he says, instead of continuously trying to disagree do what he actually says.

realistra · 2019-11-21T16:30:01+00:00

Please check out Ellen Satter. Your children are at risk of developing eating issues/ disorders because of this. Eating is supposed to be both a practical and joyful experience! please don’t allow your children to be robbed of this. Maybe your husband will be open to looking into this with you.

Title	When we disagree
Author	Jussiemariee
Upvotes	5
Comments	40
Date	November 20, 2019 6:28 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/dz62xb/when_we_disagree/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/when-we-disagree.295974 https://theredarchive.com/post/295974

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