Not looking for specifics on what to do, more looking for guidance on where my thinking is flawed or weak/BP.
Thanks for your time.
Any missing info you need, ask I'll answer.
30yo 6'2" 196lbs ~11%BF, wife 33yo 5'9" 180lbs, married 7yrs, kids 14(f) 3(f)
NMMNG×1.25 WISNIFG×2 TRM MMSLP MAP Pook×2 Poon WOTSM Day Bang 90% Atomic Habits 60% BPP 40% sidebar 90% (posts)
Life Background - can skip this
In my 20's coming out of being raised religious, (I'm not anymore) I deep throated the blue pill and long term my mission was to have a family and make enough to live a comfortable Beta existence. Short term I just wanted sex. Being Beta all my life hadn't worked to get dates, I found PUA and sprinkled some of that on some online profiles. Had a few girlfriends of less than 2 months each. (They couldn't tolerate my levels of Beta and Nice Guy traits longer than that) While at Military Officer School in the Continental US for 2 yrs I found a single mom who hit her wall and wanted a complete BB. Expected to be treated as my #1 priority above all others, claimed she would do the same for me. I was stoked. She was a "strong independent woman" in my mind, (that's what I wanted, an equal partner not a loser leach) but was actually just a bitch with childhood father abuse whose poor behavior I tolerated cuz feelz n sex felt guud. We married after 3 months. Moved back to Hawaii 6 years ago, into a separated floor of my parents house. (Very common in Hawaii to live with extended family, rent is insane.)
My decline is the usual story. Got fat, stopped being fun, etc etc. She always had issues following my parent's rules and expectations about living in their house, (conflicted with me putting her #1 no matter what) but we can't afford to live elsewhere. She frequently accuses me of "taking their side over hers"
It is all my fault directly or indirectly but you don't know what you don't know (RP knowledge)
The Actual Issue's Background
She fully cut off sex 11 months ago, and I just found out part of why yesterday. She found an orbiter/beta-to-fuck who is giving her the feelz, pedestalization, etc she has been craving at around that same time. He is in decent shape and looks very similar to me. They play the same online game and he works the same place but different shift of the job she got around that same time.
6 months ago I caught her lying about him going to the beach with her, our kids, and another mom n kids she is friends with. She also lied about him being at that friend's home one night when wife and kids were there, too. I told her to cut off all contact with him. Completely. She claimed she did. (I have proof now this was a lie) I caved 2 weeks later to let her continue playing the game with him, I realized I can't stop her contacting him if she wants to anyhow. She changed her phone passwords, uses snapchat constantly, etc after the confrontation. (Wonder why?) I found MRP about a month or two later.
I was firmly in denial until today, like, just selectively refusing to acknowledge the elephant in the room. Now, I have proof of her sending him lots of normal pics, one pic in bra and panties, no sex talk, but not stuff you would text to a platonic friend either on his end, hes "invested in her and not looking for anyone else, connected with her" with her neutrally encouraging him "how long are you willing to wait for me?" "As long as I have to". But this is probably at least an emotional affair, and most likely a full blown affair by now. My mindset is to assume the latter. AWALT. I may get more proof in a week, but it doesn't really matter. At this point I can't trust her, and don't think I ever will romantically again.
I don't have the Frame or skill to turn this around at this stage, even if it was just emotional. I really don't want to spend the effort trying.
Before MRP I would have immediately hysterically confronted her.
Now I'm not far enough along in my progression to judge if I'm making reasonable decisions.
What I'm Doing (where I need feedback)
So I am updating the divorce papers I made 2 months ago. I live in a no-fault state. I plan not to even bring up the affair, if she goes along peacefully with my uncontested divorce with 50/50 everything split and 50/50 custody. If she doesn't want to, I will use it as leverage at the right time, and if she fights me in court, I will use the DV incident I have against her to make sure everything at least stays 50/50.
I am waiting to hear back today or tomorrow about a promotion that would require a move to another island - 75% raise, and to a cheaper cost of living area. If I got it, everything goes on hold until I get us moved and settled for a few months - otherwise the way the law works here our 3yo's location would be court ordered to stay on our current island. I don't want to be separated from her.
I have already separated finances in the way best for child support calculations in this state prior to this discovery.
I am having my parents draw up a backdated rental agreement, they don't know what for yet. Its so that they can "evict" us since I don't think she will go willingly without a branch to swing to (like if this guy won't take her) and then I will move into a different part of their house that has a separate address without wife. Sneaky/shady? Sure. Legal? I'm pretty sure it is. We may backdate the eviction as well, or just wait the 30 days for it to go through. I haven't told my parents about her "likely" affair yet.
Right now I am focused on STFU and being normal, not doing or saying angry things. It isn't too hard since we don't speak much anyway. That's also part of the reason I don't think this is worth any more of my time or effort - around other people, I am funny, engaging, confident. Being around her is like a black hole for my personality. She doesn't react to anything I do or say the way other people do. I think there is just too much scar tissue... but I'm just a faggot, wtf do I know? Next to nothing.
I am entering a new anger phase for obvious reasons, I know its source is my own skewed expectations that she would follow her word, etc like a unicorn, which she isn't. I am doing my best to channel that anger into preparations for what is to come and continuing my MAP, which will be unaffected by divorce. I was going to start approaching other women anyway once I got to Dread 4 & 5, and would probably have fucked some of them.