How does a HVW act when running into a LVM ex?

posprov · 2020-12-07T18:55:56+00:00

Act pleasant yet distant; completely unphased.

QueensJuju · 2020-12-07T19:49:56+00:00

"Did you dirty"

Personally, I can't find a logical reason to smile, hug, or make small talk with anyone male or female, who the above statement applies to.

Check the tag "nice for what", being nice is a trap women are forced into and it encourages us to modify or deny our needs and emotions. It also encourages those who harm us to keep seeking us out, because we're nice about it. We are alive, we should express our hurt and anger.

What is the purpose of engaging someone who hurt me? I can't see a way that would benefit me, since it doesn't benefit me I won't do it.

I think I saw some commenters mentioning not being rude or hostile because it "shows your effected". But if I AM effected, why am I lying to make an interaction I'm being forced into "better"? Why is being angry over someone being shitty seen as a weakness? That's not how I feel. Additionally, if my concern is how I appear to this low value person, that's even a bigger reason to not engage at all. Think about what you're saying: in order to have the upper hand you need to suppress your reality. There's a difference between keeping personal details private for protection and denying your emotions.

I like a neutral expression. If they approach while I'm with others, I say "Excuse me" to my company to indicate I'm separating them from the LVP, they're not joining us. I say something like, "Hi, I hope you're well. I don't want to talk with you or have a discussion, so let's just part ways".

You can be angry and still CONTROL YOUR ACTIONS. Anger and boundary setting isn't messy unless you allow it to be!

Edited to add: I also overlooked this, but gaslighting is absolutely a form of abuse. We also fall into this trap of "allowing" emotional, verbal, or psychological abuse because it's not physical or sexual. All abuse needs to be called out and the abusers cut off, no need to be "nice" about that. I'd also consider any man who lied to me with the promise of commitment and love in order to gain access to my body and emotional labor abusive (situationship). Sex under false pretenses is abuse.

AllTheBeanToes · 2020-12-07T19:21:05+00:00

Nah never hug. Why should I hug my abuser? I met my ex husband in divorce court earlier this year. We haven't met for over two years. I just greeted him politely and when he initiated small talk I cut it short by grey rocking him.

the_moocher80 · 2020-12-07T18:01:52+00:00

I ignore or give very short answers depending on the situation. I wouldn’t be down right rude but any access to me is over & they best not try acting friendly. Absolutely no hugging.

hapahunnie · 2020-12-07T20:47:51+00:00

My mom always says, “The opposite of love is not hate- it’s indifference” so acting like his existence does nothing, changes nothing is probably the best option. If you show any kind of reaction that just shows him he still has an effect of some sort. If a man is too stupid to keep you then why even bother

KindredMaximus · 2020-12-07T21:33:38+00:00

I just pretend I don't even know who they are. I ignore them. They are dead to me. The fact I don't acknowledge their existence means 100% of the time, they have never approached me. That's just how I want it. They are too unsure of themselves to even take their chances approaching me. If they did - I'd be "Sorry, do I know you?". If it was my ex husband of over 20 years? I'd do exactly the same and he knows it. He stays away. If at something for our kids. I do not speak to him and behave pleasantly, friendly and as if I have no cares in the world but I do not engage him in anyway. I don't make drama for my kids but they understand I will not lower myself to pretend to be friends with their Dad. I have had numerous conversations with them about this and they are fine. If they weren't and they wanted something different, I would do my best to give them what they want. I only care about them and they have agreed that I shouldn't be friendly with their father.

Gambit12345 · 2020-12-07T20:47:44+00:00

My ex happens to go to the same gym as me. I purposely will walk the other way if I see him. I’m still no contact but it’s complicated by actually seeing him at the gym. I wouldn’t give him the time of day or bother being cordial. I wouldn’t want to give out any sign that could be construed as a welcome.

honeybeeroll · 2020-12-07T19:01:04+00:00

If things ended amicably, I'd give a civil hello but excuse myself right away. No reason to linger. If things ended bad, I'd just ignore him. If a bad ex tries to talk to you, just be like "I don't have time to talk to you / I'm in the middle of something / I'm with company rn / I need to leave, bye."

burpleseaurchin · 2020-12-07T20:57:30+00:00

One of the traps women fall into is how we "should" act and how it's "better" to be nice etc. All the answers here are great, but don't forget the most important thing to listen to is your own sense of comfort/boundaries. It may be more badass feeling to be about to interact with him unphased, but there's nothing wrong with completely ignoring his existence and sending off major "don't fucking talk to me" vibes. That is to say, listen to yourself more than any preconceived notions of what is "good". You won't regret acting on what you feel could be "too mean" because I know I never have LOL. I've only ever regret being too nice to men.

Summerisle7 · 2020-12-07T19:24:08+00:00

[deleted]

Practical_Appearance · 2020-12-07T17:48:08+00:00

I would always great politely, but NOT introduce them to the company I'm in. If they initiate a hug, I would hug back, and then leave soon after.

I do not hold any more resentment towards past relationships. It's healthier for you to let go, and move on. If you ever see them again they are simply a acquaintance. Be polite, but do not linger. You have a life to get on to

Ghost_namesake · 2020-12-07T18:26:00+00:00

I feel like a pleasant "hello" that you would give to any stranger in passing is fine. You don't owe them any conversation and certainly not hugs.

jayda92 · 2020-12-07T22:24:56+00:00

We'll do a polite wave to the unworthy peasant, and we continue our path.

yesmme · 2020-12-08T02:02:50+00:00

Because men are all about ego and any attention (negative attention included) still means attention for them, I act distant and indifferent. Treat him like a complete stranger. No saying hello, no smiles, and if you ran into him at an event, focus on the people you’re there with or meeting other people.

Fluffy-Steak-1516 · 2020-12-07T19:35:10+00:00

For me, my ex was very average. We are cordial. He wants to be friends but he’ll never truly get that advantage bc he lost me lolol But if he went in for a hug, he’s getting a handshake. I speak to him directly, firmly (like an interview or like HR.

I’ve been friendly with him in the past, but he doesn’t deserve that tbh.

if11bravehawk · 2020-12-07T17:48:10+00:00

Give him the death stare so he knows to stay away, and to remind him what a piece of **** he is

I find doing this so satisfying xD and I know it gets to him

Geocities_SEO_Expert · 2020-12-08T00:48:14+00:00

If I ever do meet , I won't smile, I will just tell him I have nothing to say to him, and leave the area.

Pahapan · 2020-12-08T02:53:06+00:00

I have a coworker who's a former FWB who stealthed me and started playing mind games, trying to get me to develop feelings. Before FDS I was still friendly with him and would chat if we crossed paths at work. I'm the one who ended our arrangement so I thought it was magnanimous of me or something. Logically I knew he'd pulled some pretty fucked up shit but I hadn't really absorbed it, at least not enough to hold it against him. I was still sipping the Cool Girl koolaid.

These days I'm very dry with him. I recognize now just how fucked up what he did to me was, and I know now he's not worth any particular courtesy. I'm a little conflicted because when I broke up with my abusive ex and he started harassing me at my workplace, this former FWB was the one who suggested I should be walked to my car and he's one of the men who'd volunteer. It was a decent thing to do but then I suppose even LVM can have a shred of decency now and again.

I'm now clipped and professional when I have to interact with him for work related reasons. Outside of that, I don't really acknowledge him and I avoid having to interact with him socially. The other day I was chatting with someone and they called him over to join us and I found an excuse to leave and get back to work. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Title	How does a HVW act when running into a LVM ex?
Author	hvwthrowaway
Upvotes	54
Comments	36
Date	December 7, 2020 3:39 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/k8iu04/how_does_a_hvw_act_when_running_into_a_lvm_ex/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/how-does-a-hvw-act-when-running-into-a-lvm-ex.328305 https://theredarchive.com/post/328305

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