Hi all,
First post, wanted to make it a valuable one. There's a lot of emphasis here on vetting potential partners, so as not to walk into a shit storm, but I haven't seen much on how to actually go about it. So here's how I vetted someone at work showing interest in me. This isn't a CIA Field Manual, just a basic application of dirt digging in order to save time and avoid misery.
Note: We're ignoring 'Don't Shit Where You Eat' for a this, since at best I was thinking (pre-vetting) about maybe letting her fuck me after I leave the job in a week, maybe turning her into a FWB. I'm as vocal a proponent of DSWYE as anyone.
This is a long story, I don't read the TL;DR on posts so I'm not giving one. Take your medicine whole.
BODY
Thursday:
Pop around to a Susan's house to say hello since she's always telling me to come over, and I'm always driving past. She works in the same room as me, we talk occasionally, I know her boyfriend. Walk up to the front of the house, she and her boyfriend are there with a few others drinking and smoking weed on a work night - relevant later. We catch up, go inside, Susan mentions a friend of hers who works with us, Chloe, has been asking about me. I don't give any indication of interest. The couple invite me over to their house party on Saturday, drinks, people bringing plates of food, etc.
Chloe has a very plain face, but seems to be in shape and possibly works out based on what I saw of her leaving work once in a tight training tank. Perhaps 7/10 body, face would need extensive makeup to get above a 4/10.
Friday
No contact with either of them, but I'm starting to get a few stares and smiles from Chloe now - Susan has definitely told her what she told me the previous night. This is some real high school bullshit right here.
Saturday Morning
Morning overtime shift - too busy to talk to either of them until the end, Susan and Chloe are wrapping up their station, Susan asks if I'm still coming to drinks tonight. Chloe smiling looking friendly.
Saturday Afternoon
I finish work and decide to start doing a little homework since Chloe is plainly going to be at this thing tonight.
Facebook tells me a lot. 800+ friends, all visible, several hundred photos, all visible. Many of these are party photos, and 99% of those have her and her friends holding up the "Two In The V, Pip The B" handsign - like the devil horns, but with the middle finger up as well. One in there of her and the friends with pants down, bare ass - like that pose girls do on a ski mountain, but in a shitty looking lounge.
Oh, and three kids.
None of this is looking good. Excessive friends and a billion photos screams validation to me, and I'm wary of people who don't enact a measure of privacy on Facebook. The photos tell a pretty plain story that she drinks and parties a lot.. which seems to clash with having 3 kids - again, relevant later.
Saturday Night
I show up to the party early evening since they were apparently kicking off around lunchtime. That should have been a warning sign.. nobody drinks from lunchtime until the small hours of the next morning. Without going into too much detail, the place is a drug den. There's a bit of drinking, a LOT more smoking. I get a few drinks in, have some bizarre interactions with completely wasted druggies - as it turns out, Susan included. An hour in, the meth comes out. At this stage I decide to split.
Another piece goes into the vetting folder - Susan and Chloe are tight, so it's more than likely Chloe is like Susan in regard to drug use.
Sunday
It's a small world, as they say - and this is a small town. I go catch up with an older friend who'd been out the previous night at a party a few streets over with some of her friends. She goes into all the gossipy bullshit about so'an so's daughter and this and that and the other, and a big warning light goes off.
My friend is talking about Chloe. She was with Chloe's mother the previous night at her party. Chloe's mother was worried about her daughter going to some dodgy party a few streets over, and as the night goes on starts to call Chloe's phone telling her to come home now. Send's Chloe's father around to get her, who returns saying that she's not coming home, and the party is full of weed and meth.
I mention to my friend that I know Chloe from work, and press for details. Now everything falls into place.
Chloe has been in and out of prison for the last several years. Has 3 kids to two different, and very rough, fathers. Doesn't have custody, limited visitation. Prison time for drug and theft related offenses. Moved back in with her parents to get away from the drug scene, but has gone back to it while under their roof.
LESSONS LEARNED
- Be judgmental, if only to yourself. Stop trying to see the best in people when your subconscious is trying to warn you of something.
- Watch for the subtle clues, remember them. They tend to have a decent rate of accuracy, and form a telling collage.
- Social Media is a powerful vetting tool at your disposal in the digital age. Look for excessive party pics, overt sexual suggestion and signs of validation seeking.
- A person can be vetted to a certain extent by her choice of friends and environment. The friend of a druggie is also likely a druggie.
- Ask around discretely - chances are somebody knows her, and knows more about her than you.
- Be wary of anything past discrete and occasional drug use, and anything beyond alcohol and weed. Also excessive use during the night before work.
- Pictures of kids, but not her WITH the kids, is a warning sign.
I'll be adding to this as I mull it over for the next few days to figure out anything else I can learn, and how I could have further vetted this person given the tools at hand.
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