2 weeks after dumping Onenitis...Mentally struggling

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November 16, 2018

Long story short... Dumped / Kicked out Onenitis 2 weeks ago. Been lifting / exercising / Meditating / Journaling. Intermediate fasting with calorie restriction losing weight. No alcohol / drugs. Fucked other women. Doing all the stuff right. Just mentally I'm really struggling. I feel her presence in almost everything I do it is maddening.

Additional suggestions to keep this train running smoothly?

Post Information
Title 2 weeks after dumping Onenitis...Mentally struggling
Author Eldudearino89
Upvotes 80
Comments 76
Date 16 November 2018 01:03 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit askTRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/54072
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/9xlz47/2_weeks_after_dumping_onenitismentally_struggling/
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[–]Endorsed ContributorKeffirLime128 points129 points  (5 children) | Copy

You're mentally adjusting to life without her, it takes alot longer than 2 weeks, hell that's not even long enough to form a habit.

Just keep doing what you're doing, be patient, and acknowledge it's a process.

[–]Eldudearino89[S] 41 points42 points  (4 children) | Copy

Thank you. Patience isn't a strong suit of mine, but it will become one.

[–]spamalot319 points20 points  (0 children) | Copy

There you go son

[–]Dsalter1238 points9 points  (1 child) | Copy

Please do not stalk her. When you throw away your trash, you don’t go back and check how it’s doing do you?

[–]Eldudearino89[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

You're right. I've checked social media even though I deleted her. And you're right...

[–]KeyboardTuba5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

Thats good man, thats real good.

[–]BusterVadge49 points50 points  (6 children) | Copy

You are doing ALL the right things man.... Time will do the rest, and trusting in the process will help a lot.

7 months ago, I was right where you are now except I was the one who got dumped. It took a while until I felt OK again but now things are absolutely amazing for me.

[–]Eldudearino89[S] 20 points21 points  (5 children) | Copy

Just gotta keep chugging on...both of us. Thanks for your time & comment.

[–]Endorsed ContributorAuvergnat21 points22 points  (4 children) | Copy

Everybody will tell you "you just need time", but the reality is that it's not "time" that makes you move on, it's all the new experiences and new memories that form new patterns in your brain, from which she is absent. It correlates with time, but not perfectly.

You can speed up the process by actively engaging in brand new experiences to form brand new memories to overwrite those brain patterns in which your memories of her dwell. That's why fucking other girls help. But also: get a new job, move to another city, stop listening to the bands you've always enjoyed and embrace a completely new style of music, change your entire wardrobe and hair style, make completely new friends, go to completely different bars and venues, etc.

While you don't want to do it all and change your entire life just so you can forget a girl, since it puts her firmly as your mental point of origin, there definitely is value in embracing change to speed up the process of moving on. If you've ever been telling yourself that you could enjoy moving to a different part of town, or trying different bars for a change, or replacing your room's furniture, now would be a great time to do it.

[–]Eldudearino89[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

Thanks for the input. Definitely dig your point of view. New memories are definitely very important.

[–]Endorsed ContributorAuvergnat2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Since you say "new memories", I am not sure you get what Im trying to say.

If you take a vacation now to create "new memories" but then come back to the apartment you shared with her, having your breakfast that you shared with her, sleeping in the bed you shared with her and putting on the clothes she bought for you before going to work in the car you remember seeing her on the passenger seat all the time, you can imagine your new vacation memories aren't going to do much to forget her.

What I've found in my experience is that it is the slow building of a day-to-day life and habits and environment that are completely free of association with memories of the girl, which gets you moving on.

[–]Eldudearino89[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Ahhh gotcha gotcha. Totally switch it up

[–]trpppp1230 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I think you just articulated something I felt before. I remember when I was long-term travelling and I'd meet an amazing girl, and spend a week or two with her day and night. Once we parted ways, it'd feel crap for like a day or two, but I'd move on pretty fast because I was constantly stimulated with new experiences. Now that I'm back in a routine, it takes me a tad bit more (maybe 3-4 days) to get over that hump.

[–]ohyesimthatguy18 points19 points  (1 child) | Copy

2 weeks is no where near enough time to heal. Not exactly the same situation, but I read a quote years ago that said something along the lines of "The grief we experience when a person dies (or is no longer in our life) isnt really because we miss that person, but because our routine has been disrupted". Just think of it as taking time to adjust to your new routine. Find better routine replacements. for example, every Saturday night you two used to get dinner together? Now use every Saturday ti do something better. Better can mean more fun, or it can be something that's better for you. Anything from hanging our with friends and going with a "Saturday's are for the boys" motto or bettering yourself by learning a new skill or improving on an existing one. You used to watch Netflix at night? Well, now you lift instead and its great that youre already doing that.

how long were you together/do you have the same social circle?

My ex and I were together for 7 years and lived together for 5. I knew I had to break up with her and I knew it would be hard. We did everything together, so talk about a routine disrutpion. Took me about 6-8 months to be completely over it and adjust to my new routine.

I've lost 20 pounds since and gained some muscle, and I finally took the time to learn a musical instrument ive always wanted to learn to play. My personal relationships also improved because I had more times to spend with friends now. I've met a ton of great girls and quickly learned there are so many high quality girls out there. once you start meeting all these amazing girls you'll see that you didn't miss out on anything with your ex. For me, ill always care about her and I really do wish her the best, but she wasn't what I wanted.

Let me know if you want to chat

[–]Eldudearino89[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Damn dude. Never thought of it just being a routine so to speak... Makes me feel for you. We were only together for a year, but we did everything. Even went on a 2 month road trip (terrible idea never again).

Thanks for the chat invite dude.

[–]Lego_My_Alter_Eggo10 points11 points  (3 children) | Copy

good work so far - no comment on the girl situation, but I wanted to say to not try to do everything at once, I find that whenever I try to "fix my life" and do too much at the same time, I burnout and fall back into old habits. If you feel this, don't feel ashamed to cut out a couple of the things you're doing and maintain the others. It's more maintainable that way.

[–]Eldudearino89[S] 2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

I'm trying to not be bored either. The past few months have been a lot of video games. So trying not to lapse.

[–]StartAnewMan1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Try to strike a balance. An hour or two of video games a week isn't bad. Make it a reward for when you accomplish certain things or when you want to wind down after a busy week. It's the same principle with alcohol, sex, pot, or any other such vice (except porn, that stuff just rots your brain). Use it when you need it.

[–]Eldudearino89[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Thank you for your input it's appreciated. I'm trying to find balance but sometimes it is difficult ya know

[–]Senior EndorsedMattyAnon7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy

it takes time

[–]Peter_B_Long6 points7 points  (6 children) | Copy

Dude you're basically doing everything you could possibly do already. I broke up with an LTR of 5 years and I didn't get to tap some new ass until 8 weeks later.

Shit just takes time.

Something that helped me the most though is that I moved to a different state. All I brought with me was what fit in my 2 door car. New room. New bed. New environment. New people to meet. etc.

Everything was so fresh and new that I didn't even have time to think about ex. I was just so focused in building the lifestyle I wanted to live and taking action every day towards it.

[–]Eldudearino89[S] 1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

This right here. I feel ya 100%. In process of moving.

[–]Peter_B_Long1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

One of the best decisions I've made. I landed a job position that I love. I've met new friends who are driven but also love to have a good time. I've thought of new ideas for some side hustle I'm starting. I even met my new LTR who has all of the qualities I loved about my ex and all of the qualities I wish my ex had.

It's like, I'm living the lifestyle I wish I had a year ago. And now that I'm in it, I'm fucking enjoying it but also working towards how I can improve it even more!

[–]Eldudearino89[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

Sounds nice. Glad to hear things are going smoothly for you. I definitely don't believe I'm gonna seriously date anyone anytime soon

[–]Peter_B_Long1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

I didn't either. I was spinning plates and was largely against being in any commitment until I met my LTR. It wasn't oneitis, but she struck every green flag I'd laid out and the relationship just came natural.

[–]Eldudearino89[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

That makes more sense. Just don't look and it just might come.

[–]mchief1011 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Traveling helped me alot cause it gave me a ton of new experiences.

[–]Rkingpin12 points13 points  (0 children) | Copy

Time is the best medicine.

[–]leolanik143 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Distance yourself from anything, will only heightens the issue, it’s okay to think about it. But then bottle up the feeling and throw that into an ocean. Now move on, pick up a Rational Male. Read. Been there man on the path of life long time ago. Now I just did not give a f.

[–]3chazthundergut4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

This is normal.

Keep doing what you're doing. It does get easier.

[–]Itsuckstobeyou 1 points [recovered]  (1 child) | Copy

I absolutely love when i read post like this and everyone is so supportive and helpful. Sometimes the negativity is just too much.

[–]Eldudearino89[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yeah... I was expecting that, but glad that didn't happen. As well there has been alternative discussions as well as others venting. Maybe we all needed a bro day.

[–]Onidramon 1 points [recovered]  (2 children) | Copy

Watch this scene He has to relive watching his dead oneitis die over and over again until he moves on. I’m not even kidding. Replace it with your oneitis getting fucked by other dudes. Watch it until it clicks.

[–]Eldudearino89[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Damn... clicks well

[–]look_up_there0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Lol wtf

[–]Dymatizeee2 points3 points  (7 children) | Copy

Takes time to process it. Keep doing what you're doing.

Out of curiosity what made you kick her out?

[–]Eldudearino89[S] 9 points10 points  (6 children) | Copy

I'm sure this is gonna open a can of worms...

She got kicked out by her step dad. I took her in when I shouldn't have. Let her use my extra car so she could pay off a lot of stuff. She was going to move with her military friend (family) in December. Well probably about a month ago she wanted me to promise her monogamy until she left. I said what's the point I'd like to have something lined up by then so I'm not without the pootang. Plus I'm planning on moving at the first of the year to VA (she was originally suppose to come ha). Honestly she let it slide for the most part.

I work in SC frequently so I leave condoms in my suitcase just in case. Heh heh heh. The hamster was running full speed. Anyways, She fucked a guy (her manager on top of that). They got shit faced twice while I was gone. She told me the next morning. I believe it because she always came home on time, show me her schedule, yadada. Anyways, I told her if I'm not in the picture in some capacity I'm gone. (I don't mind open relationships my prerogative). She basically strolled up in my place saying we can be friends, that she's confused, still has feelings, BUT doesn't want have sex with me anymore because sex with more than 1 person is wrong. After she told me monogamy DOES work. Fuck double standards... AND still wanted to use my car, and live there for the nights she wasn't boinking Chad. Told her no.

Honestly, I broke frame honestly and teared up. Didn't beg or anything. Just told her it's time to start packing. No sex from you = No emotions / Time from me. Told me I was an asshole. That I used her for sex. I just agreed lol. Then I told her she just used me for my car etc. Told her she has no feelings for me so it's time for you to go. I started loading up the car because she didn't believe me. She thought I was joking. Needless to say she got out that day.

Still a lot of time we had invested over the year, and it's the whole sunken cost fallacy idea going on in my head. Know I fucked up, but damn. Know I put up with a lot of shit. Not looking to get ridiculed. I already know I've been a long time lurker ha. I'm trying to move forward, but maybe the story will help.

[–]TheGoldenLeprechaun8 points9 points  (1 child) | Copy

Damn son. That ain't just sunk cost. There's backstabbing betrayal all over this shit. Good job standing your ground tho.

[–]Eldudearino89[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yeah... there's a lot of back story I could probably write a damn book. What's sad is I told her she could have her cake, and eat it too... It's not easy when they are being bitchy & begging to stay. Kinda feel lost, but at the sa.d time I know shit is coming together

[–]glenfiddichlaker312 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy

Sucks man. Just piggybacking since I’m moving to VA around the same time. Hope things are going your way by then

[–]Eldudearino89[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

Thanks dude. Me too.

[–]glenfiddichlaker312 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

We’ve all been there. When you get to VA (what part?) hit me up

[–]Eldudearino89[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I'm acutally visiting family right now in Richmond haha. Trying to get shit patched up at work to get transferred. They slow pokes.

[–]VengefullyY0urs2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

You’re doing everything right. It takes time.

Why did year her. Clearly this wasn’t entirely on your terms if you have oneitis for her.

[–]Eldudearino89[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

It was a mixture, but when you argue over stupid shit it gets old.

[–]ArdAtak 1 points [recovered]  (2 children) | Copy

You're on the right track. 2 more weeks and you'll feel a difference. 2 more months and you're golden.

[–]Eldudearino89[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Indeed. Almost 10lbs lost as it is... now to make sure it never goes back on.

[–]SalporinRP2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Dude 2 weeks is nothing for getting over an LTR. What helped me the most during a painful breakup was meditating. Not gonna lie during those meditation sessions sometimes I would get emotional but it was a great way to work through things.

I know the advice a lot of people give on here is immediately go out and try to bang other chicks but that didn't personally work for me. About a week after my breakup I fucked a hot tinder girl and honestly just felt worse after. Yes, gaming and fucking other girls is the thing that will cause you to get over your ex but it doesn't need to necessarily happen immediately. After I fucked that tinder girl, I just took 3-4 weeks to just work on myself, mentally, physically, and spiritually. And after that I went out and started hooking up with girls and felt a lot better than before.

I get how you feel man. Just because a girl cheated on you doesn't mean your feelings go away overnight. Good luck with your journey. Keep putting in that hard work in the gym and it'll get better trust me.

[–]Eldudearino89[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Thanks man. Meditation has been very handy. Especially journaling too.

[–]xNightly2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Been there man, it sucks really but time truly is the cure. I look back at my oneitis and laugh thinking was I really that obsessed? Give it time bro

[–]QPRCHOC2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Stop trying to find distractions and just process the emotions and deal with them. Fucking other girls two weeks after dumping your oneitis can't be helping. I'd imagine it's only fucking you up further.

Don't follow the advice posted on here like gospel. By all means, be your own man as you are rightly doing, but from your short description it seems you are doing everything you can to take your mind off her. Time will heal your wounds brah.

[–]Eldudearino89[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

How so? It's been a mixture of both. Like yeah it's kinda awkward, but I'm enjoying myself.

[–]MR37902 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

Also be aware that she will text you maybe once a week at first to "check" on you and then less and less often but she always wants you to think of her. Best thing to do is delete and block her number and keep your mind busy for a month. Whatever you do don't go back find better.

[–]Eldudearino89[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I'm surprised I've honestly not heard anything from her at all. Most of the time she'd be on my ass 24/7.

[–]2319Skew2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy

Time. Imagine it as detox. I'm divorced over 2 years and still have bouts of oneitus(11 years).

You just get better over time at keeping perspective. Eventually if you are working on your life, you'll realize that you are back in control of your mind and where it goes.

[–]Eldudearino89[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Damn... lengthy time. You been doing alright?

[–]2319Skew1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Yea. Thanks for asking. She fucked me over in the divorce and emotionally broke me to the point where I contemplated ending my life. What hurt me the most was how she didn't care about me and how she used my son to get back at me.

Right now I'm clearing my debt, buying a home and spinning four plates.

My son is doing well and when he gets older will have a fun time with her explanation regarding why our marriage failed as I did nothing wrong.

Hypergamy is not good for women in the long run.

So hang in there bro

[–]Eldudearino89[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Damn. Glad you're still with us to share this. Definitely like the silently rebuilding your life. Fuck that shit. Ahh the life of plates. So joyous for the time being.

Your hypergamy statement is very true, but it'll never end.

[–]gentlteowel2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

If I’m ever struggling with oneitis I like to read this short text someone posted some time ago

“There is an infinite amount of women in this world, more than you will ever be able to meet in a single lifetime. Most of them are great girls and would be perfect as long time partner if that is your aim. That one girl is not special; that was only you mind-fucking you. You are in love with the illusion of her and not her per Se. You are addicted to that image of her you created while mentally masturbating in your romantic fantasies. Those times you imagined her with you on a beach in a romantic setting is what caused your mind all this addiction, that is not her, she is probably not like that. She is not perfect or even close to perfection. You will meet someone better or at least equal to her, just keep going. It sucks a lot. I know it! But fuck, this is one of those hard, amazing lessons of life. Nothing last forever, cherish the time you have, don’t waste it replaying memories or imagining scenarios that probably would never happen. She is 100% not thinking of you right now. Take a look at yourself, smile, give yourself a pat on the pack. You survived this and now you have grown a bit.”

[–]Eldudearino89[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Screenshot for the "W"

[–]actually-guy 1 points [recovered]  (1 child) | Copy

Oneitis is about you putting her on a pedestal and thinking that she, is better than YOU. That's completely upside-down. YOU are the prize and she was lucky you shared your attention and resources with her for a short time.

Not only is she not grateful for that, by her breaking up with you, she ALSO thinks that she is better than you! The power dynamic is all wrong, here. You are either not "the prize", or you don't realize that you are.

Oneitis is primarily a self esteem problem. It's not that she was that great or unique, it's that you don't think much of yourself. Invest some time in that. You should be working towards being strong, smart, capable, well-travelled and financially independent. Then, any woman should be honored if you choose to share your attention and resources with her. I hope that helps.

[–]Eldudearino89[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

That helps tremendously. In the beginning I knew I was the prize. As the relationship went on I sold my business, but didn't really so anything planned afterwards so felt like thats when it started to fucked me up .

Definitely working on that as we speak.

[–]premeboi1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

i fell you bro, doing everything to progress your life and everything that used to make you happy but you’re still mentally struggling

[–]NextForever 1 points [recovered]  (1 child) | Copy

After dumping my Oneitis back in March; the only shit that got me out of my head were big wave surfing, getting hammered, and high stakes poker.

Yesterday was actually her birthday and I'm depressed as FUCK remembering how much of POS I was. O well, nothing I can do now and same goes for you; just gotta let go.

[–]Eldudearino89[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Damn dude. I wanna get hammered bad but I know it will accomplish nothing for my weight loss goals. Now I wanna play some PLO... Nobody ever wants to play at Cherokee.

As my papaw says..."There's another one at the grocery store."

[–]Da_RectumWrecker 1 points [recovered]  (5 children) | Copy

Happened to me too back in August bro. It didnt feel good at all. We still talk on the phone some times. She even bought me a gift on Amazon the other day for no reason. But she is not with me and I'm not with her.

On the other hand I've been with tons of girls since her and I'm having a blast with my friends. It doesn't remove the sting, it just makes it bearable. Oneitis sucks!!! I do wish I could have her back, but I dont let it stop me from living an amazing life. You can and should still enjoy everything else.

[–]Eldudearino89[S] 1 point2 points  (4 children) | Copy

Appreciate your words of wisdom. I really don't want to talk to her, but I do have some shit that's hers. I just don't want to be her tampon, and not get anything.

Best of luck to you my friend.

[–]Da_RectumWrecker 1 points [recovered]  (3 children) | Copy

Yeah I'm not being her tampon either. I've been at this long enough to know the difference. We really would still be together if it werent for the distance between our cities, she lives a long ways away. We were making it work for a while but the traveling every weekend was getting old.

[–]Eldudearino89[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

Don't ever be their tampon. I mean there's the within reason shit, but you know what I mean. I just feel like the most Id ever let her be is a Plate at this point.

[–]Da_RectumWrecker 1 points [recovered]  (1 child) | Copy

Well yeah, you can never let her upgrade herself beyond plate once an ltr goes bad. If an ex is going to throw me some good sex though, I'm not turning it down!

[–]Eldudearino89[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Agreed 100%

[–]CarthaginianSalt1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Im not sure if I can give good advice because of my lack of experience however one thing I've learnt from meditation is just to sit with your emotions and thoughts and accept them. In other words don't wish for her to be out of your head and to want the feelings to change because this will just create conflict which will make it harder to get rid of the feelings. Instead just acknowledge the feelings are natural and focus on something else like the breath or whatever it is your doing in the moment. Im sorry if this is shit advice because its easy to say "just sit with it" when I'm not experiencing these intense feelings however it is well meant.

Alternatively you can try an ACT tactic which is to imagine a tv/movie character in your head saying the thoughts. I like Morty saying "aw jeez rick he's having those thoughts saying "he's a useless human" what do i do?" and then rick just demoralises Morty like "Wow Morty you *burp you really shit the bed this time. This is some serious emotional damage you let happen."

[–]addwater1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

You'll feel like you have no soul or purpose for a little while.

It'll pass, and you'll be stronger and wiser because of it.


[–]Eldudearino89[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Definitely the stage I'm in right now. Thank you I shall trust the process

[–]ValorElite1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

It sounds like you are DOING everything correctly. My only suggestion is to listen to within. It is okay to feel bad about this - use that pain/anger to drive you for the next few months.

Make sure you are spiritually and mentally being healed too. If you think about her every waking second, that shows you are still doing everything because of her, in a way.

Slow down and truly reflect on what happened. Come to terms and heal, brother

[–]Eldudearino89[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Thank you sir. Sometimes it feels like I'm doing it for me, and sometimes for her. My dad and I are visiting our family, and one of his parents are in awful shape so that helps me think that all this stuff is really for me so I don't end up like his mom.

Anyways, just trying to chug along. It's difficult.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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