I read and watch videos of how many rights and privileges men have, yet I am physically and emotionally abused by my wife on a consistent basis and I have very little fairness directed my way.

red4455 · 2016-12-11T18:37:45+00:00

Yup...

Fucking leave. No one here will tell you otherwise. You are number 1.

Being tactical though, I would go see a lawyer first while keeping everything at home the same. Ask about what evidence would be needed, state laws etc. It'll cost some money but it'll be well invested for this set up.

Good luck, also feel free to post on asktrp

Eric216 · 2016-12-11T18:27:34+00:00

Lawyer here. I can't really pretend to give you advice over the internet, but a lot of guys would wait until the next time it (physical abuse that leaves a mark) happens, and then call the police. Follow through and cooperate with the cops. When they ask, show them your documentation of past abuse. Get it on the record. In many states the police are legally OBLIGATED TO FILE CHARGES IF YOU MAKE A COMPLAINT.

NEXT STEP: Go to a divorce attorney who specializes in men's rights (family law) and ask him to file for a protective order to keep her away from you and the family residence. The police may put such a protective order in place too.

Take steps now to ensure that you have some money to make it through the ensuing shit storm. The domestic violence will give you an edge in court.

Don't believe guys that say abuse (of a man) does not matter to judges. I can tell you that a lot of guys get abused, and the courts/police are well aware of it.

Because I can't advise you over the internet, you need to consult with your local men's rights attorney, and don't hesitate to call the police the next time she leaves bruises on you.

KryptoniteFree · 2016-12-11T18:26:30+00:00

Stay with her just a little longer and start to shoot as much hidden audio and video showing her out of control and abusive behaviour. If you need evidence then you will have it. Once HER lawyer sees the footage he will not want to go to trial.

HappyScribe · 2016-12-11T19:58:43+00:00

You have to break up with her. BPDs are toxic and won't get better.

My mom had BPD. One moment they love you, the next moment they're attacking you, gas lighting you, and making you think you're going insane. My mom caused my dad to have a mental breakdown and twenty years later he's still broken.

Film your next few car rides with her, so you have some evidence of her attacking you. Suck it up, don't tell her you're filming. Save the files online where she can't see them. What you need is a record of sustained abuse.

The next time she breaks the skin, don't tell her where you're going, go to ER. Three of four visits to ER look really convincing to a judge.

Put some money aside over the next few months.

Covertly film her the next time she attacks you, and call the police.

Well done for documenting it all.

When you go to the police, you'll enter a shit storm - she will lie, call you a rapist, she'll threaten to kill herself, she'll tell all of your friends how you abused her. She'll use every little trick in the book to manipulate you. You'll need two of three friends who'll stick with you through thick and thin.

Good luck, I hope this time next year you'll be leading a better life.

Returnofthemack3 · 2016-12-11T22:18:59+00:00

You will never win if she has borderline personality disorder. Even with immense amounts of medication and treatment, they often fail to improve. I have experience dealing with these types of women, and trust me, there is no light at the end of the tunnel. She will take everything from you whilst giving nothing good back. I know it's hard to leave, but just remember this : She's going down whether you're there or not, it's better one person goes down than two. With BPD, it really is that simple im afraid

Yashugan00 · 2016-12-11T18:18:28+00:00

Take back your life.

Paul Elam has a number of videos on how to deal with BPD and survival guides on YouTube. Channel is "A voice for men". That guy is a trained clinical psychologist and has been dealing with PBD women his whole life.

mrbluesdude · 2016-12-11T23:49:25+00:00

All i had to read was the first sentence. I dealt with a BPD for 4 years, they're like those dementor/ghost things from harry potter that suck all the life and happiness out of you. Fucking leave. What everyone else has said here is the best advice you're going to find. GET OUT.

fflando · 2016-12-11T22:37:04+00:00

I used to have the same problem. There is only one solution. Leave. Leave and dont engage one bit, save through your attorney. I don't care if you have kids (I didn't) with this woman, that can be sorted out at a later time. Don't fight over anything, just let her have it all, to wrap this divorce up as quickly as possible. Let go of your belongings, take only what's important when you leave (when she isn't home, preferably). Its all JUST STUFF. You were able to buy it before, trust me, you'll be able to buy new stuff.

Run like the wind, boy.

jimmiepop · 2016-12-11T23:11:48+00:00

GET. THE. FUCK. OUT.

IMMEDIATELY

I lived this. If you have kids, pull out all the stops to get custody. I am not a shrinker, but your wife seems to present many of the same symptoms as my ex, subsequently diagnosed with BPD and Bi-Polar. Without an understanding of mental health and personality disorders, I wasted years trying to get her help. The cure rates for these disorders are ~~extremely low~~ effectively zero. At one point she had me believing that I was crazy.

You are doing the right thing by documenting. If custody/kids are at issue, documenting how she (mis)behaves with the kids is important. Lawyer up tomorrow. You need a lawyer who understands personality disorders and has dealt with violent women previously. Most have not. The right lawyer will be dialed into the right network of investigators and shrinks to handle this type of situation.

PM me if you want to strategize or commiserate.

Good luck! There is light at the end of the tunnel.

zboo1h · 2016-12-11T18:37:27+00:00

I can't imagine a woman putting hands on me like that. I would probably instinctively knock her the fuck out. You already know you need to leave, so fucking leave before she tricks you into hitting her and you get that on your record.

Go live your life.

ThatHoeOverDere · 2016-12-11T19:43:23+00:00

Divorce her. See a lawyer first to get some advice on how to handl it. Im unsure if this is possible(im no lawyer, but maybe someone with more knowledge on this can clarify), but move all your assets into an corp. And transfer it over to someone close to you who you trust, so the bitch doesnt get as much from the divorce.

Leave ASAP, and start over again. Dont get married.

MattyAnon · 2016-12-12T00:11:13+00:00

I feel that I really have no other option now but to find a way out of this marriage.

This is correct. Get out. These things get worse, not better. BPD people are usually resistant to treatment. Ultimately you have to understand that you are not a couple, you are not a pair. This is your life, and you are not responsible for her. But you are responsible for yourself and your own life and potential happiness.

I know it will be difficult and the court system will probably not care what I have in terms of documentation but it's either leave or off myself.

The courts won't entirely side with you, your wife WILL make stuff up. She will fight you every step of the way and lie and cheat. She may well hurt herself and make it look like your fault.

This is why when you leave, you must do it with zero warning and never ever be alone in her presence again. Abusers can and will set you up and then use the police to destroy you.

Read the above paragraph again. Take heed now, don't sit in prison thinking "why didn't I listen to that guy". I've been around enough BPD to know what this means.

You are still indoctrinated, you are still vulnerable. Protect yourself. Really - protect yourself. The world is looking for any opportunity it can to fuck you over, and will do so in a heartbeat on your wife's whim.

The real battle now begins.

If you have kids, this is going to be really tough.

If you don't have kids, WELCOME TO FREEDOM my friend. Good luck. Drop me a line if you want more input/advice/help/anything.

Mckallidon · 2016-12-11T23:19:04+00:00

I read the first 6 words and stopped reading. You're fucked. Leave. Get out. Now.

gistaminute · 2016-12-11T18:12:22+00:00

Dude I've been with you. End game is she's been turning my friends against me. Just walk, don't give her another opportunity to make you look like an aggressor. She's already got enough stories to establish a pattern to anyone willing to listen, all they need is a reason to listen. If you can afford a hotel tonight and a storage locker to put your stuff in, just make your exit now. I'm not dramatizing, if you can afford to cut everything this second then do it.

Mandingobootywarrior · 2016-12-11T21:43:40+00:00

Fuck that bitch. Also you leaving her will crush her. As a borderline not having reassurance or being in a relationship will eat her up. She will probably do something dumb because of impulsw control problems and yiy can separate yourself from that tickong time bomb

WallyHotvedt · 2016-12-12T02:24:03+00:00

married to a BPD woman in '83 when no one knew what BPD was, had 4 kids with her who are now grown. Divorced in 87.

First off, don't get physical with her, it'll only hurt you and give her more ammo. Yes you do have PTSD. Yes, the court system doesn't care about you. With all that said you can get your life back, the problem is that you are so emotionally spent that you are running on fumes which leaves you little 'battle armor' to take her on with. Whatever, these are the cards you have now.

You-must-leave, but you need to also be ready for the hoovering, the suicide attempts she'll pull, etc in order to try to get you back. You are her drug of choice. What have you done to prepare, or is this outburst above the first step?

You don't say if you have kids or not, best possible case is that you don't have kids with her. If you don't have kids be prepared for her to try to get pregnant in an attempt to lock you up when she senses (and she will) that you are headed out the door. In the end it doesn't really matter, the actions still need to be the same. She has thrown your life upside down on her terms, now in order to get out you need to throw your life upside down again - but on your terms.

cutting to the chase - you need to cut her from your life, not leave one shred of anything for her to hold on to, no phone numbers, no address, no idea of where you are or how to find you, how to contact you. Your need to set hard boundaries with your family, as they are the one weakness she can exploit. under no circumstances are they to give her any information about you. She'll come up with a wide variety of doomsday scenarios in attempts to get your attention, that is her lifeblood, your attention and your emotional response to her outbursts, without these she cannot survive, she thrives on the emotional conflict. Note too that you've got Stockholm Syndrome going on here too, if you can actually do all the above (and I pray you can, it is truely the only way you'll get free of her, else lather rinse repeat for the rest of your life) you'll need to deal with the emotional pain that will come from your urges to try to 'save her' again, YOUR need for her drama, that part of it which is your drug of choice, you know, that part of you that has kept you with her for how many years now? That Captain-Save-a-Ho urge will always rise up at the worst possible time.

This is really tough to do, coming from a place where your "boundaries" that are not really boundaries since you don't respect yourself enough to actually enforce them in the onslaught of crazy that you face daily -- to now having to set the firmest of firm boundaries in order to be able to stay alive going forward. But you have to. If there was ever a situation where half-measures were unacceptable, this is it. Get squishy and weak in response to her outbursts? Back to square 1.

I know this looks impossible - "but we've got [insert thing] together, and if I don't respond then I'll lose [insert thing/money/job/etc here]" - yes, you will lose these things, but you will gain your life. The rest of it is just shit that you can get back. I lost kids, property, jobs and more to my BPD ex. It was worth it. Kids are back, and I've replaced all that shit multiple times over. What you can't get back is the time, once that second hand ticks that moment is over, never to repeat itself. PM me if you'd like, but you need to get out.

bluesbluesblues1 · 2016-12-11T21:28:31+00:00

You're me about 18 months ago. I'm divorced and live is better

Gilgs · 2016-12-11T21:32:01+00:00

No one in your entire life is more important than yourself OP. You are #1, ALWAYS!

Ether_Freeth · 2016-12-12T08:10:11+00:00

Can't add anything that has not been said before. But i wil say it anyhow

Cover your ass.

Don't give ammo to her for any reason.

And do whatever you need too to get out of that situation.

Even if it means giving up on material property. I know that is not what some people would advise but if it helps you get out all the sooner with less hooks for her to crawl back into your life and destroy it further the better. In the end you need to make that cost benefit analysis yourself though. Just don't hesitate if you deem it not worth it. Because as long as you have a base to work of of you can get most of if not all of it back and more.

Beyond that good luck brother. And even though it means nothing know that this internet stranger is rooting for you.

Mythicalflavour · 2016-12-12T10:24:36+00:00

Coming from a Police Officer. Your suffering pretty badly as a victim of domestic violence.

It varies country to country the laws in place. Video footage is the best thing and also witnesses. The records you are taking are very helpful as well.

If I got called to your place after an event and you showed me just a fraction of that evidence I would put a domestic violence protection order on her to protect you in the future.

I hope you get help and get out of that toxic difficult situation.

Jackie_Treehorn99 · 2016-12-12T14:23:15+00:00

Dude, leave before she kills you. It doesn't just happen to women. Ask Phil Hartman. Save yourself, before it's too late.

matisseman · 2016-12-13T00:14:48+00:00

I grew up with a single mother and no siblings. She has BPD as well as bipolar disorder and denies it. Get the fuck out now, for your own good.

Conceited-Monkey · 2016-12-11T21:53:36+00:00

Trying to thwart his ex's ability to seek legal representation will mean op will be looking at being jailed for contempt of court. That's a great way to start divorce proceedings.

iBatheInYourTears · Sun Dec 11 23:59:48 2016 UTC

Wife or ex-wife? I have nothing for you till she's the latter.

[deleted] · Mon Dec 12 0:11:27 2016 UTC

[permanently deleted]

Sonifys · Mon Dec 12 1:48:59 2016 UTC

OK you need to listen very carefully....Do you have kids?

If the answer is NO then get the fuck out now it's a lot easier to leave without them.

If you have kids get a lawyer now and record her outbursts, emotional craziness, hitting you. That shit is gold in court.

She is now your worst enemy and you need to treat every inch you give her as a mile.

Step 1: Get an apartment Step 2: Take everything that is yours and do not tell her where you're going. Step 3: Delete/Block her on every phone and social media (COMPLETELY CUT CONTACT) Step 4: Have lawyer deal with all communication with her party.

Work on yourself. Get yourself some help if you feel you need it. Hit the gym. Meet new people.

netherlanddwarf · 2016-12-12T03:15:49+00:00

I'm sorry man. We are here for you.

ntvirtue · 2016-12-12T04:00:02+00:00

Video document everything then call the cops....failure to do so sentences you to a lifetime of dealing with the consequences of your inaction.

favours_of_the_moon · 2016-12-12T05:20:35+00:00

On a near daily basis I suffer from her emotional bullying, control, and verbal rages. She also physically beats me with random objects in the house or even cold-cocks me while driving in the car to get her anger and point across to me. For a while now I've been taking pictures of the welts, bruises, and bloodied aftermath on my body.

You already have the RIGHT to not be subjected to that. You are CHOOSING to subject yourself to it.

[deleted] · 2016-12-12T06:09:12+00:00

Dump her immediately. Stop all contact and only talk to her through a lawyer.

Also make sure to never break frame. Make sure everyone you talk to such as police sees you as the sane rational one. Let her expose herself as unstable.

CrazedHyperion · 2016-12-12T09:59:04+00:00

Yes, I understand. Mine does the same things, except for physical abuse. It really breaks my heart, many times. She knows I'll never kick her out the door because I am an empathetic person, however, I told her many times how her speech and her tone of voice bother me.

[deleted] · 2016-12-12T11:05:02+00:00

Dude.

Lose everything to get out of that relationship. You only have yourself to gain.

[deleted] · 2016-12-12T12:34:43+00:00

"Women are terrific at consistently providing stagnant men with the impetus for growth" - /u/GayLubeOil

asotranq · 2016-12-12T12:38:58+00:00

Jesus christ dude, go to a lawyer and build a case before you tell her you want to leave, completely blindside her with the divorce when you're ready to jump ship. The reason for this is that if you give her time, it allows her to build a case against you, when the deck is already fundamentally stacked against you.

inspiron3000 · 2016-12-12T14:05:54+00:00

If you have children, consider their safety as well.
Women do terrible things if shit hits the fan.

NaughtyFred · 2016-12-12T14:19:48+00:00

Here's a big list of support groups/advice

Good luck brother.

trenandbones · 2016-12-12T20:55:33+00:00

Been there. Borderline women are psychotic and will stop at nothing to ruin your life. I know from experience; there is no negotiating or compromising with these creatures. You must distance yourself immediately.

baestation2 · 2016-12-13T00:16:25+00:00

Get out of the marriage. Do not stoop to her level and get violent; leaving her will do enough emotional damage.

BluepillProfessor · 2016-12-11T22:52:27+00:00

The sick thing is this woman probably just needs a bitch slap and a good spanking and she would be a tolerable little kitten. Of course that is not allowed, not worth the risk etc but the fact remains. This is a woman who wants to be smacked down. She needs it in fact.

bluesbluesblues1 · 2016-12-11T21:08:08+00:00

Have you tried holding her down? While beating a woman is outrageous, holding her down during one of her tirades is generally acceptable.

[deleted] · 2016-12-11T21:12:39+00:00

Leave right now. No need to do things to prove to the world she's the offender. Because nobody will care no matter what she's done to you. You are a man, a man being beaten by his wife is as serious as a man being beaten by a toddler. Beat her back if you need to get it out of your system, but best is to just leave. Bring your kids if you have them and get the fuck out of the country. You will thank me later if you go through with this plan, you will live in misery for years if you don't.

teamjkforawhile · 2016-12-12T19:09:46+00:00

I hadn't realized my ex got married. My condolences. RUN!

Let me suggest a book that will help.

https://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1481569764&sr=8-1&keywords=splitting

Lsegundo · 2016-12-13T01:20:39+00:00

Did she act this way when you were dating?

BPD women are some of the worst you can get. Somebody in the know should write a post about spotting them and avoiding them. I do not think I have ever encountered one.

Sweedie · 2016-12-13T10:41:50+00:00

Try to get some kind of recording device so you have evidence of the abuse to use in a court situation if possible. But otherwise leave as soon as you can.

I'm not in the US, but I found this:

http://www.thehotline.org/2014/07/men-can-be-victims-of-abuse-too

[deleted] · 2016-12-13T15:20:02+00:00

Leave and whatever you have to pay in divorce be grateful for the opportunity to leave.

WallyHotvedt · 2016-12-14T05:56:23+00:00

there a plenty of people here encourging you to get out, and you seem to be trending in that direction. So once you accept that this will be your outcome the next steps are to do the due dilligence work to get your finances/life prepared as best you can for divorce. There are many blogs/MRA sites that have lots of info on the best way to do this.

A good first step to talk while you are getting your ducks lined up is "attorney disqualification" - by figuring out who the best attys in the area are, and then scheduling an "initial consultation" with them with the intent to retain them you can prevent your soon to be ex (STBE) from retaining them, which leaves her with fewer choices and certainly not the best choices. Along the way you should retain an atty as part of this. You don't have to stay with the same one, but having one on hand now is a good step.

And as others have noted, when she gets official wind of what you are up to her act will change in order to try to keep you around as her punching bag. Dont be fooled by this, the leopard does not change spots. You'll want to point out to her that if she had behaved this well all along that you wouldnt be heading out the door - a waste of time, energy, and emotion. To test out how much satisfaction you might get from taking all the time to point this out to her instead grab a frying pan and yell at that, then see if that makes you feel any better. You'll get a better response out of the pan than you will if you try to talk logic to her. Her world is based on emotions and being an emotional vampire sucking the life out of others, she'll have no understanding of what you are trying to say (she is honestly not capable of empathy, its akin to asking a fish to grow legs and being pissed that it cant walk) and you'll just get frustrated which will just feed her illness.

Talking will get you no where, it hasnt worked in the past, it doesnt work now. Action > words

Do an update when you can and fill us in on where you are at

PoopEndeavor · 2016-12-16T02:53:35+00:00

This isn't about privilege, women, or society. Whatever the genders, abuse is abuse. Document, report, get out, and seek help if needed.

haveagoodlaugh · 2016-12-11T17:49:45+00:00

here's a tip big boy

make appointments with ALL of the best divorce lawyers in your area. just consultations - you don't have to hire them. this makes it so your (ex)-wife can't hire any of them due to conflicts of interest.

good luck and i do hope you end up finding where you've misplaced your testicles.

kruxofthemimed · 2016-12-13T04:38:40+00:00

She doesn't have a personality disorder, women will just actually go insane if you live with them and have a shitty relationship. The aggression is probably because she wants you to completely dominate her.

[deleted] · 2016-12-12T02:31:23+00:00

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19RomeoQuebec · 2016-12-11T23:39:12+00:00

Obviously the problem is not her, its You. But I'm glad that you finally see the error in your ways. Key things to remember when you are out of this relationship. Don't return to your beta fag ways. If your chick is able to beat your ass, you might want to change the size and shape of the women you court.

If your spouse ISN'T serving you at the table at home, family gatherings or outings. Then you have things all fucked up. If you serve your lady she had better deserve, cause she earned it. There is nothing wrong with compassion for your significant other. But it is exactly that someone who is significant, someone who earned your affection buy serving you home cooked meals 100 times, before you, serve her a plate of the meal she cooked.

My grandfather was about 5'3 and his wife my grandmother was beast of a woman, stood about 5'8. The point being granny didn't fucking eat until Little Grandpa had his fucking plate in front of him. If grandpa saw you as a man of little value, then you couldn't fucking speak at the fucking table until he acknowledged you.

Another little quick story down memory lane, this takes place during a thanksgiving dinner. This was a while back and Little Grandpa was still alive. I have a girl at the table with me, Little Grandpa sparks up conversation with her. My girl at the time, is busy being polite with everyone. Well she fucked up and wasn't looking in Little Grandpas direction. Little Grandpa calls her out by saying, "When I'm talking to you, listen and you look at me". EPIC!!

Also remember its never to late to change, so now my boy, its time to earn your spot at the table. Glad you are in the midst of becoming awoken. So take the red pill and move on.

[deleted] · 2016-12-12T02:13:44+00:00

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