Is a man saying he wants lots of kids a red flag?

2020-02-28T05:10:37+00:00

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SextMex · 2020-02-28T05:08:33+00:00

When I was in my 20s a friend who I knew had a crush on me told me he was going to have 7 kids at least. I asked him what if his wife didn't want to give birth to 7 kids. His attitude was essentially "her opinion doesn't matter" and I got So Creeped out.

If they say something like "I want a lot of kids and will find someone who is down for that" I don't mind. Knowing what you want and waiting for someone who is happy to help you make it happen is attractive.

ManchurianCantaloupe · 2020-02-28T04:24:32+00:00

Yes. I mean, it's an obvious dealbreaker for me as I don't even want one kid.

But even if I did, the mindset is completely gross to me. Dudes like Elon Musk who want half a dozen kids inevitably seem to view women as little more than incubators.

kaoutanu · 2020-02-28T06:30:45+00:00

A friend of my brother's wants "lots of kids". So far he's impregnated 4 women, and he's not planning to stop until he has a son. He has nothing to do with the children after the first few months when he moves on to the next woman. Somehow miraculously he has avoided child support - I'd say he has a big surprise in his future.

So if a man says that, ask lots of qualifying questions; including "How many have you had so far?".

jewdy09 · 2020-02-28T04:40:15+00:00

I guess if he also said, “That’s why I got my engineering degree so I could make $100K a year right out of school after only four years. I know I am going to need to save a lot of money before I can afford to support a large family a career in engineering will become even more lucrative as I work my way up the ladder.”

Honestly, I think men should be required to compensate a woman for her work in the home and with the children, especially if she has no income or is otherwise unable to establish her own career because she had children in the event of a divorce. Women should not agree to putting their lives on hold without future security. Ideally, getting married and having children should be considered a lifetime commitment, but that isn’t how reality goes a lot of the time. A prenuptial and a prenatal agreement should be standard for every couple before marriage or children.

jackrusselterror1 · 2020-02-28T07:27:19+00:00

A lot of the time, yeah. Like you said, women go through a lot to bring one child into the world. Women are also almost inevitably the ones doing the majority of child-raising and domestic tasks and schedule-managing, which pile up exponentially per child. Men tend to drastically overestimate their contributions and minimize or take for granted their partner's labor, plus there's the tendency for abuse to start during pregnancy. Pregnancy and having children under 3 also increases the likelihood of men cheating, because men are trash who believe that stress should create a free pass, or something. Kids are chaotic creatures who, while absolutely worthwhile and precious, create stress. Parenting is a nonstop, never-ending, 24/7/365 grind of a job with some moments that make it all worth it, and some where you're tearing your hair out and wondering why you thought it was a good idea. Plenty of men think they can leave when reality hits them. Women don't get that luxury.

On an even darker note, homicide is the leading cause of death for both pregnant women and women who gave birth up to a year prior to death, and most homicides are committed by men. Female victims of homicide are usually killed by a romantic partner or ex-partner. In addition, family anihilators are almost always men. Chris Watts is a very famous example of this: he killed his pregnant wife and two daughters because he didn’t want to go through a divorce but wanted to start over with his mistress , and he has very vocal defenders who blame his wife. Scott Peterson, Josh Powell, John List, Robert Fisher are all examples that immediately come to mind. Pregnancy is a fucking terrifying time to be a woman, and men have no clue.

So yes, I think that a lot of men who say that they want a small battalion of children have no clue what life would be like or how much they'd have to sacrifice, or they expect we'd be the ones giving up our lives for their dream. What you should look for is a realistic answer that matches with your future plans. I'm not sure 4+ kids is realistic anymore.

2020-02-28T14:06:21+00:00

If I give birth to five kids, I'm not going to have any career or any life outside of the family. Is it the kind of wife they want? If so, that's a huge red flag for me.

1Here4Bach · 2020-02-28T15:39:19+00:00

Yes. Recent studies show the move involved a father is in their child’s life the less children he wants.

redfarmmmmm · 2020-02-28T12:22:37+00:00

My ex was Muslim and he told me he wanted 8 kids. Let me tell you this. I hate to say this but his parents fucked him up and shouldn’t have had sex producing narcissistic children. He told me he was abused when young and he was the most extreme covert narc I’ve ever came across.

It’s not about lots of kids or not, it’s more about if he’s willing to put in equal effort in raising the kids properly and if his fianances will be able to back it up. He has to have the mature and responsible mindset as adult to raise the kid properly.

SadAide5 · 2020-02-28T06:18:01+00:00

Yes, men like this usually are narcissists with huge egos. Muh bloodline, muh genes. Grug powerful grug make clone

JOEYMAMI2015 · 2020-02-28T17:53:59+00:00

Don't fall for it. We are NOT baby factories :) That is a major red flag!

May26th · 2020-02-29T04:23:45+00:00

There's actually a really interesting link between men who take extended parental leave and the decision not to have more children. Essentially when they were less responsible for any of the actual work involved, then they were Keen to have oodles of children. As soon as they had to roll up their sleeves and parent, they wanted less children.

Lakersrock111 · 2020-02-28T15:57:06+00:00

He just has a breeding fetish, which works well if both parties are sterile. Unless you want babies then breed away.

freerollerskates · 2020-02-28T07:45:46+00:00

I don't think it is necessarily. It all depends on his family background and what he's willing to provide. Wanting a big family can just be a representation of his values, and if you don't share those you need to find someone else.

WimminCritter · 2020-02-29T11:30:43+00:00

Something like 10% of men are pedophiles.

vowelsareimportant · 2020-02-28T14:38:58+00:00

I'd never date a man who doesn't want kids so it doesn't feel like a red flag to me unless other things are present. The person has to be able to provide for the amount of children they want. They also have to have an interest in taking care of children even during the not fun times. It can't only be about playing ball with his future son. It also has to be about always wanting to raise a kind and caring future adult in a loving environment (even when they are screaming and throwing a tantrum in the middle of the Target).

The ones who say things like "I have no preference" or "It's the woman's choice" raise red flags for me because, while they are acknowledging that it is my choice and my body, it feels like they are making a potential child solely my responsibility. Pregnancy and childbirth and the first year of raising a kid were the hardest things I've ever went through and I'd never have a kid again with someone who wasn't excited about it and wanted to do their part in taking care of me and our kid. Framing it as only my decision makes me feel like they are less invested in the process when I need that investment in order to have another baby with someone.

Also, "a lot of kids" to me is over 3 kids, for others, that number is different. I, personally, only want two but I have dated men with kids and that means my number of kids is automatically upped by the presence of their children. I wouldn't date someone who made our total number of children together over 4. "A lot" is subjective.

rinabean · 2020-02-28T20:27:49+00:00

I don't think it is a red flag. How many kids you want is personal and about a bunch of factors. A man can be a terrible misogynist to the mother of his only child... to the only woman he ever had sex with even if she never gets pregnant. A man can be a terrible abusive and/or absent father to one child.

I think if anything about the way he's talking about his "lots of kids" sets the alarm bells ringing, trust it. But don't get to thinking that childfree men or men who want small families are green flags, if it goes one way it definitely doesn't go two ways.

I think the most important thing is that you have similar ideas of the future. And I think what kind of parenting roles you will have, if you have any kids, is probably more important than the number (though you still want a match there too)

timetofliptables · 2020-02-28T21:44:46+00:00

Context is everything here. I have guy friends from big, happy families that can’t wait to be a dad and want “lots of kids” because they loved growing up in a big family and want the same. They’re good dudes and going to be devoted dads.

One kid or lots of kids, if a dude just wants to pass his seed on for the sake of doing that, it’s creepy as fuck. I knew a guy who was only 26 lamenting that he was still single and asked if he should donate sperm to make sure he has a kid. I just about died. Like how the hell do you respond to that?!? 🚩🚩🚩

Title	Is a man saying he wants lots of kids a red flag?
Author	CarmaelSundae
Upvotes	94
Comments	42
Date	February 28, 2020 4:19 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/faozx9/is_a_man_saying_he_wants_lots_of_kids_a_red_flag/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/is-a-man-saying-he-wants-lots-of-kids-a-red-flag.681361 https://theredarchive.com/post/681361

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