This subreddit has saved my life. I’m looking back at the red flags I ignored and I just can’t believe I put up with them!

illusion_believe · 2020-04-16T18:06:56+00:00

Méditation, gratitude journal Catch every negative thought and replace it with “interesting. I won’t let that sink in”

Inaproproo · 2020-04-16T18:53:18+00:00

Hey-o! I was in a 5+ year relationship with my bipolar ex with anger and self-esteem issues.

It takes time to forgive yourself. One thing my therapist and sister said was to make peace with knowing that you tried and gave it your all. Be gentle; you are still learning. And yes you were a pickmeisha but at least you now know what to look out for.

Making mistakes sucks. 3 years sucks. But at least you didn't get married. Or have kids! So there's still a bright side.

Raccoon328 · 2020-04-16T18:19:09+00:00

Same 🤦🏽‍♀️ I completely agree. This morning I just woke up really angry and anger is just unusual for me. I know I didn’t know better at the time but still, what the fuck. Why didn’t I know better? And how is it just okay that someone treated me so poorly just because he was given the chance to?

vp2407 · 2020-04-16T19:47:10+00:00

The fact that you’re mad at your past self can be used to your benefit & you can take it as a blessing because cringing at your past self is a sign of growth. If you looked back and saw no flaws in your younger self, then you didn’t learn from your mistakes.

Embrace the present you, and look up to future you as a role model, but it doesn’t mean you should hate on your past self. I look back at the mistakes I made when I was young and wore my heart on my sleeve and instead of hating that younger version for it, I only wish I could give her a hug and cry for her because she didn’t know better and got played. That doesn’t mean I’m ashamed of her. It only makes me want to get better and protect her at all costs now that I’m smarter.

You need to learn to love and forgive yourself, treat your past you as if she’s your daughter; it kind of feels like that to me at least, since it’s literally your own flesh and blood.

Tough_Fruit · 2020-04-16T18:29:02+00:00

I honestly had high standards and requirements that can intimidate quite a few ( they are realistic but I dont settle for less ) before discovering that subreddit but it did confirm I wasn't wrong for doing so.

watchyourspeed · 2020-04-16T22:02:09+00:00

Since the dawn of time, humans have learned important lessons from painful experiences. It can be as simple as a child learning about fire by touching a hot stove top, or as complex as a person learning about deficits of character by having to interact with low-value people (boyfriends, friends, bosses, whoever). Unfortunately you had to go through this long, painful experience - which feels like a giant waste of time - but you learned a plethora of life lessons from it that will benefit you in the long run. I bet you not only learned lessons about what not to tolerate in a romantic relationship, but also how to have a healthy mother-son relationship, and how to identify signs of mental illness and alcoholism. You ignored red flags because you cared about him and probably wanted to help him in some way - NOT because you're stupid/a pickme/etc. You're going to feel anger and shame for a while which you will deal with by beating yourself up, but try to put a positive spin on it by realizing you came out with many, many valuable pieces of knowledge.

EmpressOfDankness · 2020-04-16T22:57:30+00:00

I like to reframe my past failed relationships as crucial learning experiences. Yes, they were painful. Yes, they were years of my time that could have been better spent doing other things. But the lessons learned were invaluable.

I think the hardest lessons in life have to be learned personally, not by proxy. Being with an abusive man taught me how to spot abusive behaviors early. Being with an avoidant man taught me how to spot avoidant behaviors early. Being with a narcissistic man taught me how to spot narcissistic behaviors early. I think once more time has passed and the initial hurt subsides, you'll be able to look back with gratitude for what this man taught you.

ETA: Just to clarify- this does not exonerate him for the hurt he put you through in any way. You are allowed to be angry and hurt and grieve. But use this to make sure that in the future, nobody else like him is allowed into your world. You deserve better!

JesusisKingisLord · 2020-04-17T04:05:35+00:00

Welcome to r/FDS! This sub also opened my eyes, and the information I learned here has emboldened me in most important loving myself and knowing I'm enough, and secondly in helping me vet men more quickly and efficiently. My time is precious, and he has to earn it.

starsheepie · 2020-04-17T09:01:05+00:00

It's about having self-compassion & making the realization that you didn't know then what you know now. Maybe you were loving blindly & didn't see the red flags, or maybe you saw them but chose to ignore them. (I've definitely been recognizing this in myself.) Regardless, you have wisdom now, personal growth that will prevent you from making the same mistakes in the future, & you should be proud of yourself for that maturity.

It's kind of like inner child work, looking back at the old you the way you would view a child. Giving it love, nurturing & reassurance. That is what's needed for development. And now you've leveled up.

saydeesalt · 2020-04-17T01:23:58+00:00

Omg did we date the same person? His mom was insane but not an alcoholic, all kinds of red flags!

RavenWudgieRose · 2020-04-17T14:01:32+00:00

My method is more of a visual therapy that I just came up with myself when I was a teenager. I would close my eyes and see myself in third person, literally detaching from myself. Assessing all the things that's been bothering me in words or scenes, they'll float inside the orbs in an endless void, and then I would reach out and pop them one by one like you would with bubble wraps. It will increasingly make me happy as I popped along, and all the negatives I feel disappears just like that. That nothing actually matters in the bigger picture of my already short life. Wasting a lot of precious time thinking about those negative stuff is one of my greatest fears too, so I'd just fill up the void with things that makes me happy. Then I go back to my own body like a new person with a newfound passion in life like going to the fridge to eat that last slice of cake I've been routinely saving up for cheat day. Start with simple things that makes you happy.

Title	This subreddit has saved my life. I’m looking back at the red flags I ignored and I just can’t believe I put up with them!
Author	kittycakes22
Upvotes	183
Comments	17
Date	April 16, 2020 5:14 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/g2j4hu/this_subreddit_has_saved_my_life_im_looking_back/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/this-subreddit-has-saved-my-life-im-looking-back.692678 https://theredarchive.com/post/692678

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