How do you walk away strong?

HoneyBouquet · 2020-07-01T12:48:41+00:00

Okay this is for all the pickmes or sisters who are in an abusive relationship or with a narcisstic man. An abusive man or a narcissist is a NVM. He is a NVM - no value man. Someone pin this haha.

The truth is the NVM doesn't give me a shit about you. He never did. He does not love you. He wants to control you. Its not romantic. It's not love or undying devotion. He plays mind games and wants you to slowly turn insane to the point where you will beg that you will do ANYTHING to make him stay. The more you give him the satisfaction of having control over you, the more he will gaslight, emotionally and/or physically abuse you. A narcissist is a monster, a void. They break you down slowly but surely. They know what they are fucking doing. You think you're the angel come to save him. You think he will change for you. He won't. He will never change. If he cannot CONTROL you he will give up.

I used to think comments like "You know you're not funny like everyone says you are. I am." and "You're unphotogenic, HoneyBouquet. You look better in real life" or "Well done for going to the gym. You're getting better at sex now. The more you go the more you will endure." was normal. He used to say I would overreact or I was "oversensitive over everything." I used to think him having a temper or being addicted to weed was something I could work on.

Narcissistic NVM can come in many forms. Some are ugly and fat and prey on cute girls and compliment and insult their girlfriend/wife at the same time. The girl thinks that the man will never leave him. Some like them like my NVM ex look like models, but prey on insecure and women with toxic households like me. Out of 29 dates, only 7 were public. I think I must have developed stockholm syndrome from being in a hotel room for so long (our culture doesnt allow us to go to our homes before marriage).

Narcissists are often are seen as mysterious, have a troubled childhood or a dark past. They often have a bad or absent father figure. They can be uneducated and resent further learning. They crave validation from others always. They talk about how toxic or awful their exes were and often the girls would leave them. He says he believes in love but no one has shown him. I'm telling you now sis. You can't do shit. You could suck his dick for hours, plan amazing dates, listen to him talk shit about his family or work but it will never be enough. It's not your duty to heal a broken man. Your duty to yourself is to love yourself and for someone who values you and loves you as the amazing queen you are.

I had the unfortunate luck of being with a malignant narcissist. The first time he raped me I was intoxicated. In October he joked that "I will fucking kill you" when I got him into trouble with his family. I tried to break up with him then but he gaslighted me. The second time he raped me I was sober and was crying out in pain. He broke up with me 3 days after the rape stating he had "lost attraction". We were together for 10 months. I only knew about narcissism after he discarded me in December. He lied to me about going abroad because he was depressed. He got a new girlfriend pretty quickly. I did not go back to him. 2 months after the breakup, he made a fake profile of me on a dating app, photoshopped my selfies and put my mobile number and social media in the bio. I knew he wanted a reaction but I never gave it to him. I silently had to file a police report against him for action fraud and harassment. He still calls me on a private number, has stalked me on Linkedin but ive pretty much blocked him. My fellow sisters, I can't make this shit up.

Things that helped me with healing over an abusive relationship with a narcissist:

✅ Delving into your hobbies. I made several moodboards and am writing a book. I made some music playlists to listej to when travelling.

✅ Exercise frequently and regularly. It encourages wellbeing and taking care of your physical health is important.

✅ Talking to people, even if its online or friends or family. Having a support network is so important when it comes to healing and recovering.

✅Start making a plan of your ambitions and goals. Men hate it when a woman has a boss mindset and is financially secure. Go start cashing checks sis 💅

✅ Knowing you are a good person and you have a good heart. This man did not break you. He tried to control you. You are a free soul. It will break your heart knowing what you tolerated but we have to live and learn sis.

✅ Love yourself. Treat yourself. Go buy that dress or handbag or necklace you wanted. You fucking deserve it. You're a queen!

✅ Spend hours and hours looking up red flags and abuse. The forms of abuse. Why it happens. What can you to do to make sure it NEVER happens again! Do your research! Go FBI on your past relationship!

✅ This is the most important. FORGIVE YOURSELF. I wrote a letter to my past self and apologized to her. Do better now you have the knowledge of what has happened.

You have control of your life. You are the amazing protagonist of your life!

Dump his ass and block him forever. This time make sure trash stays in the trash. You don't walk on shit and walk in it again or worse, go into fire. Your soul needs water now. Your heart will heal and learn to be with a healthy amazing HVM or you have the option of being single too!

HoneyBouquet · 2020-07-01T12:14:47+00:00

He sounds like a textbook narcissist sis. PM me and I can help!

OP PM'd me but those who are struggling with a similar situation please scroll up to see my advice!!!

paperbagskirt · 2020-07-01T12:18:41+00:00

We’ll be your support system! ❤️❤️ you can PM me any time you feel lonely, want to chat, or feel tempted to contact your ex.

terribletimingtoday · 2020-07-01T12:32:53+00:00

Strength doesn't come all at once, it's a gradual thing! Stay the course and it will come. Find some hobbies, maybe reconnect with friends you may have lost touch with (it's a classic narcissist move to steer your attention from your friends to only him) get into yoga or the gym. Occupy that spare time!! The less time you spend ruminating on him the sooner you'll move on. That strength will just happen!

radical__daphne · 2020-07-01T14:13:53+00:00

Make a list of all the shit he did to you and read it every single time you miss him or want him back.

Also consider telling someone everything he did to you, like your mom or best friend. Personally, when I was in situations with men that were bad, I would hide this type of treatment from those close to me because their reaction would rip off the mask. It would make me see it for what it is and usually make me feel embarrassed, which helped me leave.

Sage_Planter · 2020-07-01T12:17:26+00:00

You have to learn to recognize that your life is better without him than with him, his drama, and his heartbreaking.

Lenaisstillcool · 2020-07-01T13:59:59+00:00

Absolutely horrible. I'm so sorry for everything you've been through, and I'm sad to say I've been there myself. During the course of my relationship, I lost touch with my friends and my family had never really been there. I know first hand how difficult it is when you're completely alone and how easy it is to slip.

What you need to do is go HARD on the self love. Delve into your hobbies. Build a support network of other women (NO MEN) and heal yourself. You need to discover your worth. Eat well, exercise, meditate, progress financially, set goals and reach them. This will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment that isn't dependent on another person. Please do not consider dating or even befriending men for the time being. You are in an extremely vulnerable place right now, and predators can smell that from a mile away.

I know it isn't easy, but you're worth it! And you'll come out of this stronger and wiser, able to help other sisters heal and see the light.

Kompottkopf · 2020-07-01T13:49:45+00:00

Gurl :( i am so sorry for what you have been going through and made to endure.

so happy though that you found this sub! it feels like a new sister joined the coven and i am very grateful that you made that decision for yourself :)

If i can give you any advice (after smoking marijuana nearly every day for 7 years), stop with the pills. Even sleeping pills. This is you fleeing from reality.

The truth is: this is going to hurt. and you're going to be miserable. alone. sad. but walking this path means you will emerge stronger. just give it time. believe in yourself. imagine where you want to be, who you want to be in 6 months from now. in a year from now.

Do you still want his abusive, narcissistic, 9th circle of hell drama in your life? Or will you start giving yourself the life and friends and jobs and relationships and love and light and laughter that you always knew you deserved?

Being with him will not lead you there. Trusting yourself will. And you have to trust yourself that right now, you made the right decision for yourself. Don't listen to him. Listen to yourself.

It's good to have you back :) Now walk with us, we'll take care of you

LaTaina87 · 2020-07-01T13:38:08+00:00

You love yourself. Over anything, you choose yourself. And don’t be afraid of sadness and loneliness because it WILL pass. It’s better to be sad on your own than sad with someone who is supposed to love and pick you over anyone else.

GraveyardH2020 · 2020-07-01T13:55:04+00:00

Please look up Doctor Ramani on YouTube and binge watch her videos. She’ll distract you and teach you all about narcissistic abuse. Once I watched her videos I was able to put terms to all of the behavior I was seeing. It was SO enlightening! And please come here if you ever need support. This group has got you and you will not fall back into this guy again! Like the others have said, PM me if ever needed.

upwithpeople84 · 2020-07-01T14:21:38+00:00

Go to the Chumplady website. Also read Tracy Schorn’s Leave a Cheater Gain a Life. It’s very helpful for breaking away from a cheater. Your life will be better once you are away from all of this drama. He has you addicted to the abuse cycle. You can break this.

swatir24 · 2020-07-01T16:12:57+00:00

So many of us have been where you are right now. Take it from someone who is still going through the moving on phase, but has progressed a little further than you, it's going to hurt like hell. For quite a few days in the begining, you will think about him every waking second and feel miserable. Don't run away from those feelings because they will carry you to the next stage.

After a while, you will start thinking about him a little less but then one trigger and it will all come back. It's an uphill battle but we are in it with you.

I don't want to sound discouraging but I want you to know that the only way out of it is through it.

goatismycopilot · 2020-07-01T14:50:47+00:00

Allow yourself and give grace to yourself to NOT be strong and walk away anyway. You are allowed to be a swirl of emotions. You are allowed to be "weak" and walk away.

Lopsidedbutinvisible · 2020-07-01T13:33:53+00:00

Whenever I break up with an ex, before I block, I change their number in my phone to "I Can Do Better" and then block. So if for some reason I lose my phone and numbers get reinstalled, I still have a list of losers I know to never answer. I dont need to know which one is which. I know I graduated.

You cant find Mr. Right until you detox from Mr. Wrong. Write here a lot for support!

Exercise is the best antidepressant ever. Seriously. Meditate and journal a lot. It will take time, but you just need to keep investing in yourself so that one day you'll go from deficit to surplus.

There is a cliche that says if you can love the wrong person so much, imagine how much you can love someone who is wonderful for you. You can do this. Be patient with yourself. 🤍

veruscka · 2020-07-01T14:15:39+00:00

Oh girl. I’m so sorry you went through that. As much as it hurts now, getting back with him would just bring more pain and suffering. Google the stages of grieving, it’s quite normal to go through them after a traumatic breakup. It’s going to suck for a while, but things will get easier. Have you looked into a counselor/therapist? If you feel yourself slipping, post here for support. 💕

sophrosyne2189 · 2020-07-01T15:24:46+00:00

Get a dog and pour all your love on him.

jescobars · 2020-07-01T12:27:17+00:00

Firstly, well done for recognising this and choosing to take action on being strong & not going back to an unhealthy relationship. Massive step forwards!

You gotta find something else to occupy your mind & keep you busy so you’re not thinking about him. Pick up a new hobby - sport, knitting, learning a language, learning coding - literally anything to keep you busy so you focus on him less.

Expand your support network - find a sports team/meet up group/etc and try make some new friends. Try bumble BFF. Even just get out of the house and go sit in a coffee shop for a few hours and read - just being out of the house makes you feel better and not dwell on stuff so much.

Sounds cheesy, but make an “independent woman” playlist full of songs that make you feel like you can do this on your own and you don’t need this man bringing negativity into your life. Listen to it in the morning so you are ready to take on each day.

Finally, identify what things make you feel better (eg being distracted by a hobby/work/etc) & what makes you feel worse (eg being in the house alone). List out the things that make you feel good, and focus on doing more of them!

Good luck girl, and remember even if you feel like you don’t have a support network, you have a bunch of women on the internet here that have your back!

flowerpower102938 · 2020-07-01T13:52:04+00:00

The first few months will be bad. You're going to grieve for a while even though you know you were treated badly by your abusive ex.

This is what helped me

Remove/block him This includes from all social media, delete his number, unfollow or mute mutual friends. I put this first because even though you might still not be over him not having constant reminders helps a lot.
Fix up a routine. Make sure you wake up on time, eat well, sleep and try to get your body moving.
Write the bad stuff in the relationship Putting things down on paper really helps. Write exactly how you felt when he kept being abusive towards you.
Seek counseling It's totally okay to get help from a professional, in fact it will help you heal.

throwaway37865 · 2020-07-01T16:16:49+00:00

You deserve a fairy tale romance with a guy who would move mountains to be with you!! Life only gets harder, why go through it without a best friend and truly supportive partner. Think about that guy, the guy who would be there for you, when ever you find yourself missing this one. I agree with the comment about him being a NVM and it is filled with incredibly solid advice. No one is 100% evil so even though you know the good sides to him, he is still treating you poorly and that matters a lot. I am struggling with making new friendships too, I would suggest Bumble Bff or trying meetups once quarantine is over!

bottledfriends · 2020-07-01T20:37:22+00:00

I'm so sorry that vile creature screwed with you for so long. No one deserves that abuse. I know it hurts, and he has conditioned you to make you feel like you need him, but you don't, I promise. There are so many lovely ladies in this sub that can relate and you need to surround yourself with people who understand and who can hype you up, show you your real worth, not what some sleazy ogre thinks. My only advice would be to keep surfing this sub and make a list of all the ways he has hurt you - mainly to refresh your memory every time you consider reaching out to him again, but secondly as a way of giving yourself an outlet for how you're feeling. Throw yourself into a hobby, bonus points if it's related to exercise! Allow yourself time to grieve over all the time you wasted on him. Take a minute to think, would you let someone you care about e.g. a friend or sister to date this guy? No, right? So why should you? Do you really deserve to be tormented like this? Of course not!! We are all Queens - he has just stolen your crown. Take it back 👑

blahblabblahlahblah · 2020-07-01T22:23:48+00:00

I was in your shoes 10 months ago. I walked around like a zombie. I wasnt present doing anything because all I could think in my head was our breakup. I couldnt make sense of his actions and decisions. He flirted with past flames behind my back, made it my fault and like it wasnt an issue, and quickly went on dates soon after discarding me. Puzzled both his family and me, as everyone thought they had never seen him as in love with anyone in his life as with me, and were expecting us ending up together.

I dated two guys before him, each about 5+ years. I was only with him for over a year and all I can say is, this one took me longer to get over. Look up trauma bonding. He was superficial. I didnt love him as much as my other exes. He wasnt as amazing as them and was really selfish and self centered. But I didnt understand why I had a hard time letting go and was deeply attached, until I found out about trauma bonding with the abuser.

I know it’s hard, but every time you think of him or have the urge to contact him, try to notice/feel like 5 things around you. Its a distraction technique. I didnt usually read much, but have picked up reading. Once engaged in a good story, you kinda escape the reality and get your mind off the issue.

Stop with the pills! You can do it.

Go back to running! I picked up running as well after my breakup, and am connecting with both old and new friends as workout buddies. It’s nice to have people virtually watch your progress and giving you kudos. Just a little way that cheers me up everyday now that I incorporate workout into my daily life. The ex no longer matters to me, when half a year ago, if you asked me, I’d say I feel like I could never get over it. It was torturous. But it’s true, time will heal. Hang in there, my friend!

Title	How do you walk away strong?
Author	arwyn89
Upvotes	128
Comments	38
Date	July 1, 2020 12:12 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/hj90m4/how_do_you_walk_away_strong/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/how-do-you-walk-away-strong.702557 https://theredarchive.com/post/702557

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