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Hanging on by a thread, must need a MAP

Reddit View
July 1, 2020
11 upvotes

I'm 37, she's 35, we have three kids aged between 3 and 8. About 8 months ago my partner told me out of the blue she wants to break up. It prompted much analysing of myself and a huge number of arguments and me working on improving myself and me spying on her stuff to realise she had been having what redditors appear to call an emotional affair with some guy and the thrust in that relationship seemed to be mainly from her. Though she says it wasn't an emotional affair, but it does seem to

We talked a great deal, I get panic attacks whenever she says she's going to leave. She explains why she thinks she fell out of love with me. We had just moved to a new city, a boring one, I had kind of not really been engaged with her and the kids as much as I could have been. I'd finished work, come home, and play a few hours of video games. I'd let her handle the admin stuff of the house for years. I'd say I had some anxiety problems and to even make a call to get something done would result in me having an internal struggle and avoid doing it.

When she told me she wanted to breakup everything changed in me. My anxiety vanished, I can call whatever whenever, lost interest in computer games, started trying to figure out how to improve myself, told her about my improvements, started being engaged with her and the kids, but I also would get all clingy and desperate and beg for her love and horrible crap like that

It was some kind of break down.

We spent the past eight months having periods of quiet during which things would appear to improve, then I'd get triggered by her 'friendship' with the guy and then I'd go into the negative parts described above. Then every so often she would push the idea of us separating in some form or other and often I'd have some kind of panic attack. During that period she still let me touch her and we'd have sex maybe twice a month.

Where am I now. We're still together, a few weeks ago we had another big argument when she floated her latest separation idea and I again had some kind of panic attack and also did a huge amount of moralising telling her what a terrible person I thought a person who would do that was, there was shouting and it was horrid.

Since then she's stopped letting me touch her but things are still civil, she also seems to have built some distance with her guy friend. We went on a day drip the past weekend which resulted in some passionate sex and since then I've been able to touch her briefly but she's still quite cold towards touch.

To be fair I've been searching for this subreddit for months now and I'm glad to have found it. I've started reading No more Mr Nice guy, I've bought and can't wait to get Married Man Sex life primer, and I have read a few other relationship books.

But I'm hanging on by a thread here.

Definitely need the MAP but I can't find where to get started with making one, is there a make your MAP guide I'm missing or have I not worked my way through enough of the sidebar yet?


Post Information
Title Hanging on by a thread, must need a MAP
Author PrinceOfCupsMrp
Upvotes 11
Comments 41
Date 01 July 2020 10:47 AM UTC (6 months ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/703491
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/hj7xe6/hanging_on_by_a_thread_must_need_a_map/
Similar Posts

Red Pill terms found in post:
MAPNMMNG
Comments

[–]SorcererKingMod / Red Beret[M] [score hidden] stickied comment (2 children) | Copy

This is your victim puke, so enjoy. Get to OYS. Oh, and practice your STFU otherwise.

[–]Secret_Twitch48 points49 points  (5 children) | Copy

You've come to the right place. Your marriage, as you know it, is over. Let go of the thread you are hanging on to. The sooner you accept that truth, the sooner you can get on the path to becoming the man that you need to be. You won't be doing this for her, you will be doing this for you. You have a long road ahead of you. You have a lot of ground to cover and a lot of resources to read and read again. Some of the things you are going to hear and read are not going to make sense. You have to trust it. You have to believe in it. It works.

You have a mountain in front of you. The only way to climb it is to take the first steps. Your problem is severe, so we have to start with the simple first steps before we can go into the rest. You already heard it here from the other comments...

  1. Shut the fuck up - Don't ever whine to your wife about this other guy ever again. Don't react in any way to any other shit that she admits to you or shit tests you with. Don't react to anything. Shut the fuck up about everything. Don't tell her how you are feeling. Don't tell her about the improvements you are making. Don't tell her about the Red Pill. Don't tell her shit, and shut the goddamn fuck up.
  2. Go to the Gym - Instead of wasting your time playing video games, go to the fucking gym. I don't know what you look like, but if you are a fat slob, get on the treadmill. If you are a skinny rail, put on the muscle. Go get your testosterone levels checked. If you walk in to any "fountain of youth" clinic tomorrow, you will leave with TRT therapy. You can probably get some HGH too. It's worth it. Lift weights and get in shape. It's not gonna happen overnight, you have to be dedicated to it. The battle is won in the kitchen. Yogurt, protein shakes, chicken, creatine, multivitamins, cut out the cake and ice cream. Cut out the alcohol. Stop drinking entirely. It's no good for you.
  3. Give yourself a makeover - Stop going to great clips, and go to the fucking barber shop where the men get their haircut. There are men's barber shops that are quite stylish. Change up your hair style a bit and get it done by someone who knows how to do it. Go to a salon if you have to, but no more $10 haircuts from a girl who gets a ride to work from her step dad. Upgrade your style and your wardrobe. Shoes are very important. Make sure you smell good. Plenty of articles on style you can read.
  4. Start talking to other women - Every where you go, every day, there are women every where. Talk to them. Chat them up. Random conversations. At the gym, at the grocery store, at work, wherever the fuck. Make some girl friends. You don't have to fuck any of them, yet. Just talk to them. Nothing heavy, just small talk. Get some phone numbers and do some texting. Keep it surface level, for now. Don't tell them too much personal stuff. Be a mystery to them, for now.

Start with this. All of it. You can't just pick 2 or 3 and leave out the others that you don't like. It's a package that only works if you do it all. Keep reading the sidebar and the reference material. Watch youtube videos about Red Pill. Shut the fuck up, go to the gym, give yourself a makeover, and start making some girlfriends. You are laying the groundwork for what comes next. After about a month or 2 of this, which will go by faster than you think, you can escalate to the next level which will be apparent to you as you study the guides. Good luck!

[–]business---travel6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy

slow clap

OP, please save this comment and re-read whenever you feel you are about to relapse in any of the following areas. In addition, you need to start going through the sidebar on a consistent basis. Your progress will only come from working on yourself 'daily'; not once every two weeks. Get your head down.

[–]PrinceOfCupsMrp[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy

I've already had some shifts from the brutal words I've read in the replies and the sidebar writings. Of course I don't agree with some of the replies, but the sidebar seems pure gold and I would probably justify my determination to continue with the relationship by saying you don't understand the subtleties of my particular situation and that I'm the one who caused the situation. But I've put myself in a weak pathetic state so its possible I don't know what I'm talking about.

Yes, I posted my OP on the main MRP reddit and was insta banned.

Then I requested a reprieve and they told me to write an OYS next week, to which I replied with a bunch of thanks and soppy stuff about her and she and got blocked from messaging the moderators.

Sucks.

But anyway I'm rapidly reading the sidebar. I'm not unfit, but I've started lifting and continuing improving myself. Never heard of STFU, until I stumbled across this place, but I can start to see how thats' a good idea and a thing I'm going to try and do.

Going to do all the steps you listed. Going to message the mods with my OYS and see what happens.

Going to lift everyday, STFU, get that makeover, talk with women.

Going to begin my journey towards being a Man.

[–]HornsOfApathyMod / Red Beret[M] 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

You were blocked from sending us useless pathetic dribble for 72 hours. Get your OYS in order and follow the path. Get to work.

[–]SidArthur20000 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Totally agree. Adding to the slow clap. I want to add a few comments: - Read MMSL first. It helped me so much more than NMMNG. - Work on ALL of the areas that Secret_Twitch described above. To which I want to add that you need to realize that you need to identify your weakest areas and shore them up the most. - You are not tying to be at war with your wife. STFU is about using your filter wisely so as to maintain frame. - Track her cycle. I’d bet that your reconciliations have been near her ovulation and your fights about separating have been near/before her period.

[–]BarracudaRP0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

no more $10 haircuts from a girl who gets a ride to work from her step dad

I nearly snorted my coffee - I've had some terrible bargain haircuts from the girls around here. I started going to a (stylish, male, beard-grooming) barber and it's a huge difference.

Great write up, btw.

[–]FoxShitNasty8324 points25 points  (4 children) | Copy

here is everything you need:

https://www.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/acvzgx/steels_guide_to_married_red_pill/

Drop the idea of fixing your marriage. I cured my panic attacks simply by lifting and shutting the fuck up. Use the anger that you will soon feel to instigate change in yourself. Take your punches and remember... STFU to the wife.

[–]Tyred_BiggumsRed Beret9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy

After 20 years of therapy. This place solved my panic attacks.

Panic attacks = giving too much of a fuck about something.

[–]SorcererKingMod / Red Beret2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

I don't remember everyone's story per se, but I think you were a shitshow when you washed up here. How about now?

[–]johneyapocalypseThe one that says "Bad Motherfucker"10 points11 points  (0 children) | Copy

Needs to be divorced, doesn't have the balls.

[–]FoxShitNasty830 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Same :)

[–]PillUpAss9 points10 points  (1 child) | Copy

Start by writing out what the man you want to be is like. What makes him tick? What would he do in various situations you struggled with?

Sidebar, lift and STFU hard. Realize you have received the ILYBINILWY speech, which is an almost definite sign of cheating, and not just emotionally. Go look at u/hornsofapathy ‘s post on this.

You’re not ready to do anything about it directly yet, but just focus on getting 1% better mentally, physically and socially each week. You’ll know when it’s time to act further.

[–]HornsOfApathyMod / Red Beret4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yep, he got the ILYBINILWY speech. (link for the lazy)

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando20 points21 points  (3 children) | Copy

An emotional affair starts when a woman gets fucked so hard by another guy that all she can think about is his cock inside her.

She becomes obsessed with the idea of him.

Occasionally, she'll bury her distaste of you long enough for to you throw a quick fuck into her while she fantasises about him.

You are now what is termed 'sloppy seconds'.

And if she's not still fucking him, she still wants to. Badly.

Her pussy drips just thinking about him. And dries up whenever you are near.

You're here to save the marriage, I guess. Not much left to save, is there?

[–]SorcererKingMod / Red Beret7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yep, still earning that flair.

[–]Tyred_BiggumsRed Beret3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

She keeps trying to branch swing to him and he shuts it down. Thus the wanting to separate and then not.

It’s ok though. She put distance between her and the other guy.

[–]WolfofAllStreetz2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

King.

[–]InChargeManRed Beret4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

The person you described could dry a pussy like that of 1000 deserts. Stop being that person.

[–]Tyred_BiggumsRed Beret4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

You’ve wrapped up your entire self image to your marriage. Long journey is ahead but the roadmap is clear. Get to work.

[–]buttery-soft3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

WTF is a partner? You make it sound like she has a dick or something.

The behaviors you are describing are repellent to females . You might as well have said. "When she told me she was going to leave, I crapped my diaper and asked her to change it. When she said no, decided to rub it all over the my face and the furniture in protest."

Step 1. Don't ever tell her about your "improvements" again.

Step 2. Don't ever feel butthurt again. You have no fucking right. You've been shitting the bed. From this day forward, your "partner" is a child who has been taking her cues from a bed-shitter. When she pokes and prods you and you get butthurt, she is testing to see if you will shit the bed again (by getting butthurt). Don't.

Step 3. Stop flooding. Your panics and PTSD are unmanly as fuck. These block your "partner" from having an emotional connection with you (AKA being attracted to you.)

https://www.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/8l3fno/establishing_an_emotional_connection_with_a_woman/

You will hear STFU a lot. This means don't DEER, don't engage in a fight, don't whine, don't flood, don't ask for validation. It doesn't mean don't speak to her. Two critical things to internalize are:

  1. Real men don't need or ask for validation from other people. This is extremely needy behavior that is repellent, and hideously unattractive. It murders all lady-boners forever.
  2. If your "partner" can make you butthurt, you are to weak to "partner" with.

[–]SoggyTrainCucked by machines4 points5 points  (4 children) | Copy

"I'd finished work, come home, and play a few hours of video games "

Gee, I wonder why she had to find someone else to fuck? Which she 99% did. I know it has to be hard to hear, but you have to face the truth.

Go somewhere alone if you need to cry about it. Then strap in and man up. Stop letting anyone see you scared or sad. Your kids deserve a better version of a dad.

If you follow the advice of the forum and the vets, there is a good chance your wife will be begging you to stay with her. At that point you can decide if you want to stay with a cheating woman or not. I know right now you are so pathetic you would forgive her in a heartbeat.

Also:

Throw the fucking gaming system in the trash. Believe me, I love video games, and used to play a lot (while my wife was getting herself off).

[–]SBIIIRed Fucking Commando0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Exactly how many machines- including your Playstation - have you been cucked by?

[–]SoggyTrainCucked by machines0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You gotta work hard to earn this flair.

What was funny was back pre kids I never got a no, ever. I just chose to play video games instead of fuck my wife more often than not.

[–]SteveSan820 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

True. Video games really turn a woman off.

[–]SepeanRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Not being alpha turns a woman off.

When I'm gaming, my wife will come and sit on my lap and kiss my neck.

[–]Tambamwham3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Ofcourse this is about another guy. And the fact that you still allow her to be friends with him is pathetic. Filing for divorce, wishing her luck with him, and showing her the door will do more to save your marriage in a weekend then 10 years of the weak shit you’re doing now.

[–]JDRoedellRed Beret5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

Why call her your “partner?” That’s weak, SJW bluepill stuff that comes from believing she’s your egalitarian equal. Stop it (face slap.)

Simply put, you’re not giving her the tingles enough. Reread your post and point out the behaviors and lack of other qualities that puts you too much in the “comfort zone.” You’ll get your MAP if you’re honest about what you see.

[–]jdogworld2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

I’ve been there. I’ll let the vets here give you the really really but your entire being as a man is wrapped up in this woman’s opinion of you. She continues to be the prize, your prize. That is probably the most unattractive thing you can do and she will not change until you figure out how to bring abundance into your life and create value for YOURSELF. Years ago I let my wife have an emotional affair because I was such a pussy and so desperate. If this happened today papers would be filed stat. If you don’t set boundaries she won’t respect you and you are essentially a cuck.

[–]johnn20152 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

She doesn’t love you. The process goes below.

Step 1. Respect Step 2. Attraction Step 3. Love

You need to start at step 1 and you can’t skip a step.

[–]SepeanRed Beret2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

Following a MAP is fine, but it isn't really important. Most guys fill their MAP with all sorts of beta stuff like getting their shit in order, leading and being more disciplined. And that just doesn't matter much.

You need to focus on acting alpha, passing shit tests, holding frame, learning game, lifting, dieting.

[–]PrinceOfCupsMrp[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Might put being acting alpha, passing shit tests, holding frame, learning game, lifting, dieting into my MAP and build on them as a base.

[–]SepeanRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Sure, but most guys I see running MAPs are doing the dancing monkey better beta thing and that doesn’t give her the tingles. Girls fall in love with cocky smiles, asshole remarks and big dick energy, not that you made money and learned woodworking.

[–]Tiway224 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

You begged for her love? Bro...

Gym Diet Lawyer

Plan for how you are going to divorce and share custody because this is OVER!

You are fucking pathetic if you stay with this cheating and miserable excuse of a wife.

You can do better, and set an example for your kids that you shouldn’t put up with shitty people in your life.

[–]RedSweet880 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Ok a women wants a man that lays down some rules and the fact that she is still talking to this dude... shows u not doing that. Don't be scare to lose her cause I promise 8 of 10 times she will come running back.

[–]tightsleeves0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Few pointers; You have come to the right place.

Your progress here will be as quick as your muscle growth - that means slow even with daily work. KNOWING the answers and the path doesn't automatically turn you into the person. You need to constantly analyse and adjust. Its not about winning every upcoming battle but being able to look back and realizing where you messed up and how you will not make the same mistake again.

Im surprised you allowed this 'affair' to continue. Option 1 was to walk away from her forever or option 2 was to shut that shit down. Your only decent option now is to find your own side chick and if she asks you can tell her that "you thought it was OK since she has been doing it for months"

Goodluck but I would suggest just moving on from this train wreck

[–]dll1420 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

This story is the poster child for everything you're not supposed to do... BUT, congrats! You've taken the first steps. Your relationship as it was is over. Whether your improvements spark it back, time will tell, but you have to accept the fact that they may or may not.

Sidebar, lift, internalize frame (hardest part). OI is the center piece IMO... start there.

Post, read, meditate, lift. It's long road. Do the work and stay the course. One guarantee is that your life will eventually get way better, just might not be with her.

[–]DeplorableRay0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

You use the word "she" 19 times in this vomit.

[–]RStonePT0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I forgot to ask are you still hanging on by a thread or did you actually snap?

[–]adoublerr0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Your in you’re late 30s with 3 kids and come home from work to play video games. Lad she’s definitely fucking others behind your back and if by some miracle she’s not it’s because she hasn’t had the physical opportunity. Fuck MMSLP because that’s not going to work for you right now that’s likely trying to run before you can walk, WISNIFG, NMMNG, The rational male and maybe even a jocko willink book on leadership and responsibility are what you need right now. Lift heavy, stfu and stop stroking her ego by been an emotional pussy that can’t live without her. Another thing I’m presuming by admin you mean your wife’s in charge of your money and where it goes, sort that shit out ASAP. You have 3 kids it’s your responsibility to ensure that they have the best future possible and financial stability is a key factor for this. I hope you take the harsh words as a slap in the face and wake the fuck up.



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