Unique struggles of dating and vetting as a plus-sized FDSer

2020-12-24T20:46:14+00:00

[deleted]

frogchickenhorse · 2020-12-24T20:30:58+00:00

Agreed with everything you said. For me it has been a mix of not existing or I love bbw but only in the bedroom. I have learnt to never go on dating apps such as bbwcupid. I was absolutely disgusted how I was spoken to... just body parts for their fantasies and the nasty questions demanded. I was not seen as an individual or person.

I'm climbing back on the lose weight wagon again, I'm not happy with my weight and loathe my neck fat. I'm afraid of getting any interest from men when I lose it. I'm at the point again where I really do want to be left alone.

ponchoacademy · 2020-12-24T22:31:22+00:00

Sad but true story... When I was younger I was very thin and super cute (I can look back and say that now, at the time I was on a perma diet and always trying to fix issues that werent there). Sometimes guys would approach me to talk, to ask me out, it was flattering, always respectful and backed off when I said I was dating someone.

After my breakup I started gaining weight, within 2yrs I put on close to 40lbs. Everywhere I went guys were like dayum dat a**, I'll be your man, and just generally being rude and disgusting. To make it worse, theyd yell out and say sexual things in front of my kid, I yelled at a couple guys for that, and once I didnt hear it but heard my kid yelling "thats my mom you jerk!" Even if they didnt say anything, the way some guys looked me up and down, making this face like you just know what theyre thinking...it both pissed me off and was humiliating.

One day kiddo said to me, I miss when you were skinny, we could go out without guys being creepy all the time. I didnt know what to do with myself I was so upset to hear her say that. Even with all my insecurities and issues, Im proud of myself for not welcoming just any kind of attention, to give my kid the impression that kind of behavior is flattering in any way. But jezus. And I definitely noticed a huge difference when dating too...pretty much everything centered on the size of my butt and them wanting to get their hands on it. Its like I stopped being an actual human being yet these guys were offended I wasnt taking it as a compliment.

The older I get, the harder it is to lose weight, and Ive finally come to terms with it I'll never be a size 2 again or look like I did in my 20's and I anyway have grown to finally like what I look like. And Ive met some really awesome guys who dont make me feel like they just wanna date my butt and will make do with all the rest of me. But its been an ongoing issue that every once in awhile makes me want to scream.

lollykpops · 2020-12-24T23:40:58+00:00

As a plus sized women, I got fed up of only being hit on by men who assumed I was 1) easy or 2) willing for them to live out their fat fetish dreams. I got tired of being hit on by ashamed men with thin girlfriends who was looking for something large and soft to degrade. I also got tired of being offered less, given less love and being expected to be ‘greatful’ for any man to look at me as something worthy of love.

I am in the process of losing a lot of weight just like you, and in the mean time I have made myself wholly unavailable to any and all men.

repurposedschleem · 2020-12-24T21:09:56+00:00

I don’t know if I’m considered “plus sized” as I wear straight sizes, but I’m absolutely called thick. “dummy thicc” I think is the little fetish box I get tucked into.

Anyway. I’ve definitely experienced this — plenty of sexual attention from all levels of men, even the classically good looking ones. What I’ve experienced is that they all want to fuck me, but the stereotypically “hot” ones don’t want to be seen in public with me. The average to slightly above average guys treat me the best, as in pay for dates and buy me flowers (and gifts for my dog?! That was a new one). The below average guys are straight up mean to me if I give them the time of day.

I’m trying to keep this short as I am not even sure I’m welcome in this conversation as a straight sized thick woman, but I did want to contribute as I’ve learned I’m fetishized for my ass and...glasses. Yeah. Some of them fetishize my eyes not working right :—)

Dorkamus_Rex · 2020-12-24T20:46:48+00:00

My weight has fluctuated throughout my life. At my lightest I was 130 lbs and 5’8. I reached my heaviest by being depressed in a toxic LTR at 220 lbs a few years ago. When I was heavy I was only treated like shit by the ugliest and fattest men lol 😂

However at my lightest weight it was obvious that the men around me just wanted to fuck. They saw me as an object. I had guys that pretended to be my friend that wouldn’t take a hint. I had creepy stalkers. But not one of these guys wanted to have a real meaningful relationship with me.

When I did have a boyfriend my looks and the attention it got me made him insecure. He nit picked me constantly and wrecked my self esteem making me think I wasn’t thin enough and I developed an eating disorder. I ended up in a hospital because I was malnourished and my kidneys started having problems. That’s when I dumped him.

I’m white and I do imagine it would be so much worse for WOC. When I was bigger white men don’t even notice me, white men only date “skinny” women. And I am too tall for most white men as well.

Now I know this is because they are just very insecure about their masculinity and they need someone they can easily dominate. I’ve tried dating outside my race but too many are fucked in the head with race fetish porn.

Now I don’t need to make myself smaller for a man. I work out to stay healthy and look good for myself. I am now at a really healthy weight and love my body. I get a lot of second looks. I get fetishized because I am “thick” and have an hourglass figure, that’s something I have learned to live with. But it’s way better than being thin.

Sorry for such a long reply

wavesandtea · 2020-12-25T01:43:20+00:00

Wow, you really hit it on the nail. I've had similar experiences. I am plus size with big boobs and a big butt like you mentioned. Thankfully, despite having autism, I've been able to sniff the weirdos out. They usually can't keep their eyes off my boobs, despite me dressing fairly modestly and it makes me want to throw up.

The common pattern I've experienced in the past is guys saying they wanted to like everything about me BUT in order to "be serious" and make a commitment I would need to lose weight first. It used to really hurt me, but I've learned not to care about someone's opinion unless they are HV themselves.

Thanks for the post, it helps decipher that thin line of what is acceptable and unacceptable as a HV plus size queen. *Big fat kiss (pun intended, hehe)

Stuffnthings1840 · 2020-12-24T23:32:43+00:00

Congrats on your progress. I have no doubt you were and will remain beautiful. What you have described I believe and have witnessed myself. When a guy is "embarrassed" of his partner he is admitting he has no dick. An adult should love who they love. Enjoy being lonely no dick because you are stuck in perpetual middle school and you are afraid of being made fun of. A well rounded adult would be more afraid of spending their life without companionship that being teased by I am assuming other LV dudes.

Suspicious-Leg-1407 · 2020-12-25T01:32:48+00:00

The attention I got didn't change in quality, just quantity. The skinnier I got, the more attention I got but always from NVM/LVM.

There is no getting around the fact there are not enough HVM to go around.

Cairenne · 2020-12-25T05:07:08+00:00

Up until the last few years I've always been "athletic", but a combination of stopping breastfeeding after a few years (no typo), stress, and an unidentified food allergy (now discovered as potato) had me gain about 90lbs.

Now, I'm doing well working on it, but here's why it's relevant.

I'd lost about 15-20lbs when I started dating my most recent ex. Who admitted he liked larger women. It seemed fine to start with, but niggled at me a bit and pre FDS.

By 4 months into the relationship I'd gained almost all the weight back. Very much to do with his attitude, what we'd eat, him continually putting snacks in my hands, it was this whole thing. Internet informs me feeders exist, and that honestly applies to him somewhat (though he'd deny it, he absolutely would kick up a fuss any time I talked about getting back in shape).

I left him October, I'm back to the weight I was before we dated now and I worked damn hard at it.

So that was a complete head messer. And worth vetting for too.

SimplySharon1215 · 2020-12-24T23:01:53+00:00

As you continue your weight loss journey you’ll be more observant about how you’ll be and how you were treated. I lost quite a bit of weight about 4 years ago and found myself latching onto any man who showed me attention. I have regrets about that tone of my life. You being on this subreddit puts you miles ahead of where I was.

janatztxcxxx · 2020-12-25T07:44:37+00:00

As Korean where skinny is considered beautiful I agree. I’m not plus sized but when I was size 4, I was considered chubby all the time. When I went down by 40lbs, which I was looking like a teen, this all disappeared.

I also noticed mostly white men and East Asian men are really big on being with skinny girls.

finance_lady · 2020-12-25T16:09:12+00:00

First of all, merry Christmas!

I am a white woman. During my most recent relationship from Jan 2019-March 2020, I weighed about 275 lbs most of the time and when he broke up with me I weighed 263 lbs (which is about 100 lbs overweight at 5'10"). However, I was never either criticized or fetishized for my weight by him. He always told me I was beautiful without mentioning my size. My ex was relatively inexperienced sexually until we became a couple and I think he enjoyed just getting to experience/learn sex. Also, he was on the chubby side himself, he was 6'3" and 270, needing to lose about 50 lbs. However I did not meet him online. We had actually been friends for over 15 years before we started dating. He knew me when I weighed 170 lbs and it didn't matter that I was way heavier by the time we dated, lol.

However, before I dated him, I did some online dating on and off for a few years, and I had zero luck. White guys truly only want to meet skinny women from apps, even if they themselves are 300 lb neckbeards with nothing to offer. And then when it came to meeting offline people at meetup groups and stuff, I felt really invisible. I could legit see the guys paying better attention and being nicer to the skinny women at events. I also had my own issues of wanting athletic men but knowing it would be pretty impossible to meet one while morbidly obese.

This year with COVID bringing everything to a halt plus my ex breaking up with me back in March, I have been cooking at home, tracking Weight Watchers points, and doing Beachbody workout videos (I don't do Beachbody coaching or any of that, just independently subscribed to stream them at home). I am now down about 70 lbs from my all-time highest weight, which was 287 in early 2018. I have not tried dating at all during COVID. I am still plus-size, but I think I have enough momentum going now to lose a full 100+ pounds. I don't plan on telling men I eventually meet that I have lost that much weight. It's prob the least interesting thing about me, and unfortunately, 99% of men would be like "if she was that heavy once, it could happen again, so I'm out."

So yeah it's really hard and I'm going to have a hard time dating when I am ready because I will always wonder if I would even be given time of day at my old size by whoever pays attention to me. :(

skyerippa · 2020-12-25T07:59:23+00:00

Completely agree. Im constantly sexually harassed and hit on but never for a real relationship they just wanna fuck and run

ArugulaIsAwesome · 2020-12-26T05:10:41+00:00

Is there anything specific to look forum terms of fetishizing?

I have an acquaintance I’m interested in, his ex was my size (I’m a tiny white woman with A cups) but a few years ago he was interested in a curvy black burlesque dancer. He was too vanilla for her she said. (Which I am keen for after a pornsick ex, vanilla sounds lovely right now)

I’m worried that the burlesque dancer might be more of what he is attracted to... which obviously I can’t provide the same aesthetic at all...

I did just find out his other ex did ballroom dance, so maybe he just has a thing for dancers?? 🤷🏻‍♀️

I don’t know, just want to know if there’s anything I should look out for as I get to know his better. Any thoughts?

Title	Unique struggles of dating and vetting as a plus-sized FDSer
Author	LocationCritical8937
Upvotes	234
Comments	32
Date	December 24, 2020 6:27 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/kjk6fh/unique_struggles_of_dating_and_vetting_as_a/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/unique-struggles-of-dating-and-vetting-as-a-plus.730473 https://theredarchive.com/post/730473

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