I recently found out my wife has been unfaithful to be for the past few months, and I can't be with someone who'd do that to me. Looking for any advice on where to start.

Trinity0519 · 2020-02-20T12:14:38+00:00

Go see a lawyer and begin the divorce process. Sorry to hear man.

CarGuyM1985 · 2020-02-20T14:18:28+00:00

Don’t say a word to her until you have your affairs in order, get her all the data you can, talk with a lawyer. Take her to the cleaners and move on with your life. Sorry you’re going through this, be happy you don’t have kids.

SkierDude19 · 2020-02-20T16:59:39+00:00

Like others say DO NOT LET HER KNOW YOU KNOW ABOUT HER INFIDELITY OR YOUR PLANS TO DIVORCE! Do not move out but protect yourself with recording all conversations if legal in your state to protect against false domestic violence charge. Get all your finances in order. Things will most likely get ugly as she doesn't respect you or the marriage. In order for peace you must prepare for war. Remain stoic don't feed her anything. Devour this subreddit. Read Rational Male by Rollo Tomassi to learn how women operate. Never trust her again. Good luck you should fare well.

2020-02-20T12:35:49+00:00

Yep, you need a lawyer. You may not have much together, but that won't stop her from trying things and you probably have more than you realize. It wouldn't take much for her to drain bank accounts or open credit card accounts and run up the balance. If she does that now most courts will consider it a joint liability because it was done while you're still married. Lawyers will help you protect yourself.

What you thought was your friend has shown she'll hurt you to get what she wants, now you have to believe that and protect yourself.

Rbot_OverLord · 2020-02-20T16:25:43+00:00

First off, don't say a word to her. Don't let her know you know about the cheating.

She cheated, and you have proof. The marriage lasted a year. Alimony is HIGHLY unlikely as North Carolina views her cheating as a disqualification for alimony. No worry there.

Talk to a lawyer before she realizes that you know, and plan to divorce her. Make sure to discuss joint accounts, individual accounts, retirement accounts, assets, pets, etc. An attorney can advise you how to manage those. She may go after any of it, and you need legal counsel to best protect yourself.

Stay calm, never show any emotion. She will capitalize on the slightest bit of emotion to paint herself as the victim. You yelled at her? Now you're abusive.

Get away from her ASAP, and go no contact. She will bait you, she will attack you, she will do any and everything possible to get a reaction out of you, that she can later use in court. Staying in the house with her opens you up to a "domestic abuse" call to the police, and believe me that shit will come up in court. Any contact with her, opens you up to a restraining order, and that shit will also come up in court.

She isn't the girl you married anymore. You need to view her as a hostile enemy. She is about to flip on you so hard and fast, your head will spin. Get away, No contact. Let your attorney handle it.

I am not saying for certain that any of this is going to happen, but you need to realize that it is possible. You could have the most rock solid case, mountains of evidence, and one simple misstep brings all of that crashing down. One simple mistake could land you paying her alimony for the next 5,10,20 years. Judges are fickle as fuck, and if you give her the ammunition to portray herself as a victim to an abusive tyrant, no matter the reality, you WILL get bent over in court and fucked raw. Protect yourself dude.

SpacemanLost · 2020-02-20T16:18:45+00:00

A start to get an idea about the process might be found here:

http://www.realworlddivorce.com/NorthCarolina

It sounds like a separation period is needed and it could take a year to get the process completed.

You need to make a plan and checklist - it sounds like you are lucky in having fewer things to fight over than most. I'm assuming she'd be happy to move out/move on?

2020-02-20T18:20:13+00:00

I believe in NC that you may also Sue the other man for alienation of affection. Best of luck to you

piratepastfifty · 2020-02-20T18:29:20+00:00

I'm in NC.. so a few notes. I may conflict with some other advice below, but this is specific to NC.

1) Contact a lawyer. Do not use those 'men's attorney's' they are full of it. Get one that is familiar with your county.

2) Do not tell her you know. Wait until the lawyer advises its ok. You may need to collect additional evidence.

3) Do NOT move out! This significantly weakens your position

4) You never know what she may come up with (he's abusive to me!). Trust me here, I couldn't believe some of the things my Ex said about me.

5) Follow what your attorney tells you.

Note that different counties can have different customs. You want to be aware of those and get an attorney in your county. Good luck my man!

Krishna0902 · 2020-02-20T18:49:18+00:00

Above all, do not underestimate her lack of guilt and propensity for vengeance..

twistedwhitty · 2020-02-20T13:58:57+00:00

My comment on any guy that has had a wife cheat, run. Mine did, so I wanted to save the marriage, we have kids too so we went to therapy, and even as we are in our 5 month of therapy, she started cheating again. Once a cheater.... Sorry man.

SignificantJelly8 · 2020-02-20T19:39:27+00:00

Yup same thing happened to me last year. With my ex wife for 7 years married for under a year with no children before she started sleeping with another married coworker at her job. I fucked up because as soon as a bit of evidence I confronted her about it and she lied, gaslit me for another 2 months that I was crazy to assume she was cheating on me. 2 months later I had enough evidence that she was having a affair for a months and I filed and was able to kick her out of MY house. It was hell but basically made it unlivable for her to stay in. Cancelled cable put cameras up locked all my belongings ect... I lucked out and she moved out but not before trying to do whatever she could to get money for the house I let her live in rent free. You've only been married a year and no kids like me you'll be scratch free. It's a hell of alot to go through it put a number on me. She baited me into giving another shot through marriage coinciling while we were going through divorce and separated and still denied having sex with this guy. I fell for it. It was stupid but obv 7 years and a marriage is a long time. She used the time she was with me to paint me as the abuser and the reason why the marriage failed. All she was worried about was her image to other ppl. I had a false restraining order put on me on top of it. luckily it got dropped because her accusations were bogus. Her and her married coworker now live together and she doesnt understand why some of her family still dont like her

Big_Daddy_PDX · 2020-02-20T21:39:26+00:00

Start with attorney; actually visit with 3 of them and pay whatever their consult fee is. Stop having unprotected sex immediately.

Next, within the guidelines of your legal advice: Get wife working a real job if she isn’t. Pay off all credit card debt and cut up cards. Prepare to change title of your car to your name only. Start accumulating off the books cash. Protect savings account.

sextus_fabulous · 2020-02-21T03:13:37+00:00

I was divorced in North Carolina (final September 2019). Here are some important points that I'm sure others have covered here. The first one is VERY important.

NC is a no fault divorce state, with one very important stipulation. In NC COMMITTING ADULTERY BARS A SPOUSE FROM RECEIVING SPOUSAL SUPPORT PAYMENTS. Thank god. You should probably make sure you have some proof or she admits it though.
You are going to need to be separated for an entire calendar year before you can receive the divorce.
NC has (somewhat antiquated) alienation of affection and "criminal conversation" laws. You can basically come after an affair partner with a civil claim. It's only worth it if the affair partner is loaded. But it's an option. These lawsuits can and do pay off big. (One of the first things my divorce attorney did was running an asset search on my ex-wife's AP. Alas, marginally-employed hipster musicians apparently rarely have substantial assets. Who knew?)
All this said, if you don't have substantial assets, you might be able to do it all yourselves, file the basic paperwork you can find online, and walk away with minimal financial damage. That's the dream, anyway.

SpearCatcher1 · 2020-02-21T17:35:16+00:00

Your choices are divorce or marriage counseling, and it doesn't sound like you or she are committed to starting over through marriage counseling.

Even if you aren't sure, lawyer up immediately.

Is there someone you can talk to? Respected Pastor? Older family member? I think its better to have one respected and experienced person you can talk it out with than inadvertently spilling this and that aspects to your friends and family.

2020-02-25T07:52:45+00:00

Infidelity means nothing in court, she can whore it up in the jury box and it means nothing to the divorce judge. Its all no fault now. Be quiet, and get this done fast and ghost her ass. It sucks losing all the years you spent on her, but youre an appreciating asset, and shes not.

Dont even look at women for two years till you heal. If youre a regular guy with a job and a personality, women will not be difficult to obtain. You can easily find plenty of company, 5-10 years younger than your ex.

Let the lawyers do their work, you dont have much to fight over, keep your issues to yourself, find a friend who you can talk to, but the less said the better.

Turn off her ringer so you dont hear her calls/texts. Never answer fast. She is a non person to you now.

You are on to better things, I promise.

vector5633 · 2020-02-20T13:25:29+00:00

Go get a divorce lawyer ASAP! And like everyone else has said. DO NOT marry again! I just started the process. She got served at the beginning of the year. I have a house and two kids. She works and makes a good salary so no alimony for that narcissistic bitch!

Marriage is not good for men. We get fucked once divorce comes.

Good luck my friend and thank your lucky stars you have no kids and do not own a home with her.

Canadianjoe1986 · 2020-02-20T15:16:49+00:00

First thing is to move out bro. You need that space. Find a friend or family member that will take you in. Give the lawyer some time ( you may not need one, if you both can agree on what to split, and save some money). Talk lots with friends and family, then start looking for a place of your own, something more permanent. Everything else will fall into place. In sorry you have to go through this

internetTroll151 · 2020-02-20T17:47:58+00:00

fill yourself up with hate. and use that energy to make yourself a better person. Hit the gym. Do things for yourself, but dont suppress the hate

cireorelum1 · 2020-02-20T16:43:09+00:00

Keep things amicable file for divorce together if possible

2020-02-21T04:35:01+00:00

Is an annulment an option?

playerknowmore · 2020-02-23T01:22:37+00:00

North Carolina is a Bible Belt State; check if it has Alienation of Affection laws.

vabab8 · 2020-02-26T11:31:19+00:00

Any updates?

YouPeopleAreGarbage · 2020-02-20T12:38:39+00:00

Get proof of the cheating. Just because nothing is joint doesn't mean she can't/won't try to milk anything she can. Don't assume she won't, she obviously isn't the person you thought she was.

rsmiley77 · 2020-02-20T16:33:14+00:00

Great advice. Get your ducks in order then when ready in one big move do everything. Shouldn’t take more than two weeks with where you are in life. Move out.... file for divorce... make it where she can’t touch your money. If you are good with red tape then you can file without a lawyer. I’d try to go the mediation route first if I was you but only after moving out.

jpgtsi · 2020-02-20T17:25:47+00:00

As awful as it is right now, coming from a lot of us that been through it your blessed.

Get a lawyer, keep your mouth shut until you get all your things in order. Find a firm that has a lot of positive reviews. Get a woman lawyer... make sure that lawyer is politically connected in the local court. End file as soon as possible.

A cheater never does not cheat again or you will always have trust issues.

Your actually one of the lucky ones

Comments