F24 Friendzoned again, don't understand what I did wrong.

CumForJesus · 2016-11-10T14:55:08+00:00

What you are doing wrong is being unattractive. If you want a cute guy, be cute too. You already know men desire pretty girls more than girls desire pretty men so why are you allowing yourself to be told bullshit ? You've been fat all your life and you never noticed "he's missing out on your personality" means "you're fat and you're never going to find someone" ? Your friends clearly don't care about you truely if they try to appease your feelings without ever telling you the truth. But that doesn't matter. You clearly don't care about reality either because you know what the problem is.

You're putting the wheels before the cart, or whatever the expression is in english. You can't expect people to be attracted to you if you wouldn't be attracted to yourself in their shoes. You already know what is wrong. Do some monk mode until you feel fine, maybe. I don't know what the solution is, but it certainly is not this vicious cycle of getting rejected over and over and blaming everything but the elephant in the room.

One of my best friends is a girl. She has another friend, who's really fat and short like you. She has a relationship with a handsome, tall guy. They look in love. But I don't know how they do it. They're the exception. The fact that everyone secretly wonder how and why the fuck the guy is staying with her means everything.

It's not impossible, but it certainly makes it harder to find love. Why are you playing the dating game with a handicap ?

pcadrian · 2016-11-10T20:19:45+00:00

I'm only clinically obese at 5'2" and 180 lbs

This is why.

loneliness-inc · 2016-11-10T15:26:48+00:00

Welcome to being a man. Rejection is a part of our lives and not just with women. Any man who's gotten ahead in life, has been rejected many many times and continues to be rejected all the time in large and small ways. If you can't fail, you can't succeed. So the first piece of advice is to become okay with rejections. Don't take it personally. Not everyone is meant for you and that's okay. It isn't always a reflection on you if a date doesn't work out.

In this case however, it is to a degree. Your weight makes being attractive ten times harder. Even worse than your unattractive weight is your attitude. Your attitude stinks and will drive men away. They will run from such an attitude even if you were drop dead gorgeous. What's wrong with your attitude?

Being a train wreck when things don't go your way.
Emotional eating.
Entitlement.
Having a mindset of being washed up. If that's what you think of yourself, that's worse than actually being so.
Storming off and disappearing, leaving the guy on the train to ride to where?

How can I get out of this trap?

You need to get into monk mode and accomplish the following.

Lose weight. You don't need to be slim, but you do need to weigh much less than you do at the moment.
Become okay with rejection. No storming off and no emotional eating.
Become a happy person regardless of having a man in your life. People want to marry happy people, they don't want to be responsible for your happiness. They can't make you happy even if they tried.
Become a fulfilled person in every other facet of life other than marriage.
Enjoy the company of others for what it is. Not every date will lead to marriage. Don't run away when you realize that. Enjoy your time together. Be a pleasant person. You don't have to ever see them again, but you also don't need to leave them with memories of a crazy bitch.

Good luck!

loneliness-inc · 2016-11-10T15:18:41+00:00

First of all, that sucks. I can relate to you a little bit because I was ugly in my teens and I know it hurts to see how all the guys think you're very cool as a friend and then go for the pretty girls. But you have to admit that that's quite logical, as you're falling for handsome guys too.

There are two possibilities, and they are not mutually exclusive. First one: get hotter. And I would really, really recommend you try this, because for a woman it is one of life's little pleasures to glimpse a man's admiring look, to walk the streets feeling confident and beautiful. And I don't mean you have to get 'magazine perfect', men are not looking for that. Just get down to a reasonable size, then emphasize your strengths.

Second possibility: glance at the less cute guys on the subway too. Give them a chance. Like you, they might have a great personality and a lot to offer. My best friend is overweight too and she would probably not be considered a stunner by most guys. But she's a truly fantastic person and she found a guy who is perfect for her and adores her. He's not the guy you would look at on the subway. But they're very happy together.

MrsBlooper · 2016-11-10T18:44:21+00:00

I know others have said it too, but you really need to work on your weight. I am down to 180lbs at 5'7", so almost half a foot taller than you, and I'm just now starting to be attractive enough for the guys I like--and I still need to lose about 30 more lbs to be at the right weight for my height and body type. And not only are you obese, but shorter women tend to carry their extra weight more awkwardly-- there's less room for it to spread out, so they tend to look less Rubenesque and more just round.

You are 24. If you go into monk mode and spend the next year or two bettering yourself, you'll come out of it 25 or 26 years old, which is by no means washed up.

I also agree with the other commenter who said you're the female equivalent of a "nice guy". Get over yourself. You do not deserve a boyfriend. Why should those guys even bother dating you? By your own admission you're a psycho bitch. You are not the center of the universe. Learn how to enrich other people's lives. Before you ask what they bring to the table, ask what you bring to the table--and if you don't measure up, you need to work on yourself some more.

Finally, when you're getting a couple dates and then being rejected, it's probably your behaviour on the dates. Based on what you've written here you probably come off as shallow, desperate, and bitter, but it's hard to say for sure.

asteadyheart · 2016-11-10T15:35:27+00:00

I think you already know why.

And just like for the men who complain about women "friendzoning" them, I am sensing the same level of hostility and (if I may say) bitterness. Which we all know is just an incredible turn-off, no matter what gender.

If you end up eating 2000 to 2300 calories, then you need to amp up your work outs. I used to be rather heavy, thanks to dealing with weight issues growing up, and once I linked eating a lot to horrendous work-outs, I quickly stopped eating that much.

From what you're saying, a male equivalent of your size is a man at 6 feet who weighs around 215 pounds. Probably more if you take into consideration that men tend to carry more muscle than an average woman, so imagine 215 pound man that is mainly fat. Most women would not look at a man like that and want to date them, even if they were good friends and he's "such a nice guy." I'm going to guess that the men you are attracted to, are not 215 pounds of mainly fat.

The standard goes both ways, and if you want a guy who has value and is attractive, then you need to match his value or match what he values. At my very worst of my bad health, I was much heavier than you (but 6 inches taller). It is difficult to not feel helpless in the situation.

Stop listening to your friends, because they probably are only saying it just to make you feel better. They know this, but since they're friends and they want to be nice, they won't tell you the truth. You also already know it.

Also, therapy makes things worse before they get better. It a big step in therapy is to identify and air out all of the bad stuff that is eating away at you. After you name the monster in your head, then you take it down. Be patient and commit yourself to the process, otherwise you're wasting your time.

mannfan9292 · 2016-11-10T16:27:13+00:00

Get a hobby. Get lots of hobbies. Do things you think are fun, instead of eating and hating yourself. You can teach yourself to crochet on YouTube for less than $5.

Go on more dates and stop taking it so personally. If you're meeting them online, make sure your photos are honest and show your full body. If they still meet you and don't feel anything, that's okay, for both of you. Either they're being unfair or they're not ready or just aren't feeling a connection, but if you're being honest with them, it has nothing to do with you. Take a week and go on another date. Then another. Stop expecting so much from that first outing.

Quit with the self-loathing. It's the most unattractive thing you've mentioned.

FriedHayek · 2016-11-10T18:58:21+00:00

"he's a loser if he can't see how great you are!"

People who say this aren't your friends. Friends who love you enough, they love you that much that they're willing to gamble the friendship you two have on saying stuff like: 'You need to stop smoking/eating so unhealthy/watching TV/whatever.' People who are your friends, they give 'tough love' and they cheer you on your smallest successes.

One of my friendship tests, which I use judiciously on everyone I know, is my Good-News-Test. If I have good news, news which is only really good news to me, then whomever is as happy as I am, that person is my friend. Everyone who doesn't, they do not give a shit about me, and I will not invite them. Similarly, if someone I know has Good News, and if I am not able to feel joy at my friend's good news, then I'm not that person's friend.

I was morbidly obese as a child/teenager, now I'm only clinically obese at 5'2" and 180 lbs. Working out 3-4 times a week is helping me lose weight slowly, but surely. I track calories, too, but I end up bingeing out of loneliness so I end up eating between 2000 and 2300 calories on a really bad day. Every rejection I face makes it harder and harder to stay 'sane' in the early stages of dating. I used to look at cute guys on the subway and appreciate their good looks, but now I look at them and all I feel is rage.

So long as you're on the path of getting fit, you're doing everything right. Anything which makes you fit, it's on the right path.

I end up bingeing out of loneliness so I end up eating between 2000 and 2300 calories on a really bad day.

Do you think you could develop a hobby, where you meet people, so you wouldn't feel this lonely?

What am I doing wrong?

Do the good news test on your 'friends'. The measure of how happy they are for you, that is how much they want you to succeed.

I already am a psycho bitch. I'm 24 years old and feel washed up.

No. No. No. No. No. No. Stop. This. NOW.

Search the web for Carol Dweck. Find both her Ted Talk and her book Growth Mindset. Watch the Talk, and read the book. You'll know what to do.

When you've read what we're suggesting, go do what we've asked you to do. Lurk this forum, and don't post anything for at least a month. When you make your next post, we want to hear how you've improved your situation. Reply to these comments, ask for clarifications if you want, but go into nun-mode and do what we recommend you to do.

Nyquil-Junkie · 2016-11-10T22:30:22+00:00

If you are convinced you are fat and ugly (you probably are not, but self image is deceiving) Try this... since you are still young.

Take a year, don't even think of men, dates or the future. Get yourself where you are personally happy in fitness, weight, personality, ect ect. When you are happy with yourself, others will be happy with you.

From your post, I'm going to guess your self loathing follows you around like a cloud. It's not good for your mental or physical well being.

A year. For you. Nobody else. No expectations to live up to and nobody to impress. Set a personal goal and do it.

You have to love yourself enough to save yourself. You loose weight and get healthy because you'll live longer and feel better, not to attract anyone.

Mentathiel · 2016-11-10T16:00:43+00:00

You've already gotten some good advice, I just wanted to add something.

I'm seeing a therapist for these issues... but I feel like that just makes me more of a mess.

Yes, it does. That's normal. Destroying yourself hurts. You have to destroy parts of yourself in order to rebuild them, parts that you may not have even accepted exit, which is the first hard step, and which your therapist is helping you reach out to and face. When you find that you believed something wrong, such as that you're deserving someone's time or that you aren't and can't help it or whatever's bugging you, you have to destroy that belief and that's painful, because it's a part of you that has to die, and also scary because you don't know what to replace it with and it opens up infinite possibilities and uncertainty scares you. On top of that, you're likely aware that you have to take responsibility for your actions once you figure that out, which is also scary. It's normal that that's creating a mess out of you, but the point is to come victorious out of that mess, not to avoid it in fear of spiraling down. You have to spiral down to swim up.

Check out my masterpiece for some additional advice on facing responsibility. (Humble, I know.)

HappyLollie · 2016-11-10T16:16:17+00:00

Don't want to seem mean or anything but unfortunately being a large lady isn't going to help you in the dating world and don't listen to your blue pill friends that tell you 'it's all about what's on the inside' because it's not I wouldn't met my SO if I was unattractive nor in shape he would have walked right past me luckily for me he decided to make a move but his only reasoning at the time for that decision was that he was sexually attracted to me. Personality is what keeps the person in the attraction is what opens the door and you won't get in if he's not willing to open the door will you!

How are meeting these men is it online or through friends and activities? Are these men aware of your larger stature before your date as I know a few guys that have practically ran from dates because the girl was much larger then her profile picture there are a few men that are into big girls we call them chubby chasers where I'm from but no matter what the feminists and fat activists have to say these men make up a extremely small amount of the male population most men prefer a healthy weight partner that signals that your healthy and would be a good human to mate with for healthy offspring that's human nature it has nothing to do with the media shaming or them being shallow just simple biology!

I think you should focus on losing the weight and not binge eating, you know loneliness and boredom is one of the biggest reasons you overeat so why don't you go out and do more stuff if you that sitting in the house and watching tv means your going to eat so much? Get a calorie tracker like my fitness pal so you know how much your eating, mine helps so much with working out if I really deserve that biscuit or if I'm just channelling my inner Cookie Monster and I'll make my decision accordingly to how much I've already eaten and how many calories do I have left to spare!

All of your issues in your lack of finding love comes down to your lack of SMV. You need to lose the weight, fix the source of your unhappiness in other ways other then binge eating and then only then would I advise looking for dates and putting yourself back on the market because right now your fighting a losing battle.

r3mememember · 2016-11-10T20:07:47+00:00

I knew the answer before I even finished the title.

Atlas_B_Shruggin · 2016-11-11T04:57:16+00:00

You're fat

Ohboohoolittlegirl · 2016-11-11T13:29:03+00:00

Sooo.. you are fat and you haven't gotten the discipline to do anything about it, binging 2000 calories? That's more than two-thirds of what I eat regularly and more than half of what I eat when I bulk.. What are you doing wrong? Eating too much aaand.. You probably consider yourself unattractive.. If theres anything worse than just unattractiveness in my eyes, its someone who knows and is doing nothing to change that.. You need to love yourself, love who and what you are before you can even consider other people loving you. Don't derive self-confidence on how others see you, do it on how you feel and how you value yourself.. In fact, read up the part of confidence in TRP, most of it is also applicable to females as we do not feel like having to "save" someone. Most things have been said and I think you have enough to think about.. monk mode is a good way to stop valueing yourself based on perceived attractiveness.

[deleted] · 2016-11-11T21:46:40+00:00

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Neon-Socks · 2016-11-10T15:26:05+00:00

You're saying that you've "never been attractive", but you only talk about your height/weight situation. What about everything else? How do you dress, do your hair, and wear your makeup? There are plenty of cute chubby girls, because they take their time to look and dress attractively. Even if you don't feel great about your face, some simple, natural makeup makes everyone look a lot better than no makeup at all. Even if you have curls that you hate, you can still get a flattering haircut and straighten your hair, or dedicate some time and styling products to make it look nice.

These are just some examples, but my main point is that attractiveness is often very controllable. My advice would be to continue your weight loss journey, since that is such an important part of your attractiveness. Then, while you're on your way to your goal weight, do some research on improving other parts of your appearance, too. (For example, one week focus on your makeup. When that's looking nice, move on to hair, posture, etc.)

P.S. When it comes to the binge eating, r/loseit has some great resources to stop emotional binges.

[deleted] · Fri Nov 11 18:55:30 2016 UTC

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melonmagellan · 2016-11-12T15:45:19+00:00

"to the best of my ability, being ugly"

This is your issue in a single sentence. Work on your appearance and self confidence... you have to at least feel good enough about yourself to not openly refer to yourself as "ugly." Cripes, how unattractive.

Also, go for guys in your league. 8/10s are not into dating "ugly" girls long term.

Problem solved.

"At this point in my life, I already am a psycho bitch."

Jesus Christ, is this a troll post? No one wants to date an ugly, psycho bitch. Get yourself together.

THE SENTENCE I JUST TYPED USES ONLY THE NEGATIVE WORDS YOU USED TO DESCRIBE YOURSELF. I wouldn't say that shit to someone I literally hated.

LeftShark86 · 2016-11-13T18:36:26+00:00

I'm only clinically obese at 5'2" and 180 lbs.

You already answered your own question. Attraction is not negotiable. Make it your absolute priority to lose weight. It's really that simple. No need to see a therapist, head to the gym. It's going to be difficult, but seems like it's more difficult now.

pinkdrawings · 2016-11-14T00:05:17+00:00

If you think you're a washed up, psycho, jealous bitch who can't even tolerate to see hot men - why would they want to date you?

I'm sorry to be mean, but its true.

If all of this is true- why would they want to? Clean up your attitude. Work on losing weight. Stop coming up with excuses to be a crazy bitch, and get yourself together. You don't have to be Miss. Stunning Cinderella, but losing weight, putting on makeup, doing your hair nice and SMILING - will go a long way.

You know you have problems - so you answered your questions. You're getting friendzoned because you're acting crazy, jealous, and with little impulse control.

Plus - I'm sure you're not ugly. Its probably just the weight. Makeup done, hair done, and a smile will get you far.

eof · 2016-11-11T02:59:59+00:00

If you really want change you will find it.

Try joining something like CrossFit. Try r/keto

You should able to lose a lot of weight quickly. Go into monk mode for a year. At 25 you will be alright.

Good luck

plein_old · 2016-11-16T03:43:56+00:00

What am I doing wrong?

Feeling rage toward men you are attracted to... is understandable, under the circumstance. But imo it's even more of a turn-off than being overweight.

As I see it you have at least a couple options:

1) Try to lose weight, become hot and seductive through a one-pointed mission, and then take out your revenge on as many men as you can.

2) Learn to be happy and kind toward others, no matter what is going on. This will tend to attract a better quality of men, and lead to a happier life. Might also make it easier to lose weight. Some kind of meditation or religion or support group or hobbies or something might help. Good luck!

Title	F24 Friendzoned again, don't understand what I did wrong.
Author	mannfan9292
Upvotes	21
Comments	89
Date	November 10, 2016 2:17 PM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/5c819u/f24_friendzoned_again_dont_understand_what_i_did/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/f24-friendzoned-again-dont-understand-what-i-did.86623 https://theredarchive.com/post/86623

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