I'm placing this under relationship advice—hopefully it's the right category. Thanks in advance for reading; I’ll keep it as concise as possible.

I’m a 47M, divorced for over 15 years. The marriage lasted officially 11 years, though we were together for 8. The divorce was messy, infidelity on her part and it deeply affected our children, especially my eldest 23F, who was just six when things began to unravel.

After the dust settled, we did our best to co-parent. We both love our kids, and despite some bumps, we managed. Both children graduated from college and are now in post-grad programs. I’m proud of them. Financially, I’ve done significantly better than my ex. My kids have been living with me when they’re home from school.

Five years ago, I moved from being 15 minutes away from my ex to the suburbs about an hour away, or 45 mins on a good day. That’s the context. Now here’s the issue.

My ex-wife 50F frequently shows up at my home and stays for days—sometimes up to a week. I’ve asked her to coordinate with me before visiting and to clarify how long she plans to stay. Despite that, she often catches a ride with one of our kids when they’re visiting her and just ends up staying here.

The reason she gives is that she misses the kids and wants to spend time with them. I find this odd because both kids have their own vehicles and are free to visit her anytime.

Sometimes her presence is pleasant, she cooks daily, which the kids love, and there’s a familiar family dynamic. But other times, it feels too much when she starts planning parties at my home and also tense. I’ve noticed that her presence can bring out the worst in all of us, including myself.

Here’s where I’m struggling:

  • Has anyone experienced a similar post-divorce dynamic?
  • Does this seem strange to others, or is it just me?

To add another layer, my daughter seems to be encouraging this situation. I’ve been single for a long time, and I don’t ask about my ex’s relationship status. But it feels like my daughter is trying to push her mom back into my life, and she gets upset when I try to set boundaries around these visits.

I feel conflicted and a little crazy for even questioning it. Any thoughts or shared experiences would be appreciated.