Abandoned and Angry

upvotersfortruth · 2023-10-24T13:21:51+00:00

Your feelings are natural and normal. The fact that you're able to identify and express them shows a level of self-awareness and underlying mental health that bodes well for your future. The question now is how do you deal with your feelings in a way that can bring you and this divorce to closure in the least damaging way. But it takes time and you may need to admit you're not quite ready. The death of a marriage is like the death of a loved one, but the problem is the dead are gone, once and for all and forever. The marriage and the ex linger. A fate worse than death until you can move forward.

sak144 · 2023-10-24T14:54:59+00:00

Went through the same situation almost exactly. 18 year marriage, 2 kids and she just walked and took all of the savings I spend a working life building to go buy another house and "be her best self". I know she was cheered on by fat, wine box-drinking, bitter old hag friends who hit the wall and wanted company.

You will go through anger and resentment. But you will also realize peace in your life that you haven't felt since you were a kid. No more walking on eggshells; no more reduced to begging for sex or bargaining for it; no more running yourself ragged to care for somebody who rarely reciprocates.

Your life will go through ups and downs, but will get immeasurably better. In time, the great days really start to outnumber the bad ones. You'll still miss having somebody always there in bed to snuggle up to, but you'll even have that at times.

Have an ironclad focus on yourself right now. Do not cope with alcohol or drugs and throw yourself into whatever will make you a better person. Gym, hobbies, start a side business, buy a sports car, everything you ever wanted to do in life, but were told "no", you can now do.

However and whenever you are able, forgive her - not that she deserves it - but because it will actually free up your mind and allow you to move on without the constant resentment.

Marriage is a broken idea thanks to feminist courts. They can break their vows and actually be rewarded for doing so. Don't ever sign up for that nonsense ever again. Date, have fun, have girlfriends, but don't ever sign up for that horrible business arrangement ever again. The backend of your life is about to get way better than the first half. Just in a different way.

Khancap123 · 2023-10-24T13:01:36+00:00

The anger is a cancer and it only hurts yourself. I got lost in it for a while and it's useless.

It's remarkably hard and everyone does it in different ways, but the first step in moving forward was letting that anger go (through therapy, hobbies etc)

Focus on what works for you, buy put the work in. The anger phase freezes so much of your life in the past and it's ultimately masochistic, the inky one you hurt with it is you

ProcedureAltruistic3 · 2023-10-24T14:52:24+00:00

I'm over a year now and I fluctuate between sad and angry regularly still. And worst part is she moved on and started a new life and I know she pays me no mind as long as the support payments keep coming. It's really hard to get over feeling discarded especially knowing that I'd have done literally anything to work on it, while she did everything in her power to get away and not think about it. I've become more than an afterthought. I think the goal is to get into a place where you can see that the relationship you picture isn't the one she sees. And that she's convinced herself there's nothing worth saving, and made that a reality regardless of how untrue it is. They leave LONG before they actually leave. You didn't get the benefit of a warning, as most of us didn't. We play from behind right from the start. But don't kick yourself for feeling. This stuff sucks bad. Let it suck. Mourn your loss. In the end you'll be better off because you did it the right way, not the deceitful way.

RaiderJayJay · 2023-10-24T12:55:32+00:00

I wish I could help, but I’m on the same boat. Separated in March and signed the papers last week.

Kwen_Oellogg · 2023-10-24T13:40:41+00:00

It's a process brother. When I was betrayed in my last relationship it took me 4 years before I was healed. Some men don't take as long, and for others it takes longer.

Start living your life for yourself and the kids. Make the decision you're going to be the best dad possible.

Stay strong brother. In time you will heal.

OkEmphasis5923 · 2023-10-24T17:40:52+00:00

Its only been a month. Its going to take at least a year or two, maybe longer, before you start feeling better.

Don't short circuit the grieving process. Allow all the emotions to have their place. Start therapy, hit the weights hard, workout till exhaustion, journal, yell in the car and feel your rage, listen to sad songs, cry your eyes out, repeat until you get to a point where you don't need to do these things. Its a process, and you will have good days and bad days. But a year or two from now, you will have mostly good days. 5 years from now, you will have all good days.

organicwilly · 2023-10-24T21:20:05+00:00

Yes, I went through the same and I'll tell you one or two things.

Women generally have a higher EQ than men so be prepared to be manipulated. Anger is a natural response to being betrayed. It's how you deal with it that makes you a man.

I know this sounds counter intuitive, but as soon as you can forgive her and move on, the better you're going to be. But it's a dicey game. You're going to get upset again, just don't fuck up. The moment you lose your cool and give her ammo for her attorneys, you lose. Just. Move. On.

If that means talking to other women discretely, going to strip clubs (pay cash), whatever you have to do to even the score with her in your own mind.

If you're saying there's 0 chance, you're miles ahead of most men who've been served.

Get yourself together and move on.

Best of luck!

Character_Hippo90 · 2023-10-24T13:34:44+00:00

Being emotionally adrift is common at this stage, like a sorting process where your heart and mind are in conflict yet seeking resolve. Acceptance of this fluctuation is the first step to begin restructuring your life. An active schedule also lessen melancholy modes.

UseResponsible4368 · 2023-10-24T18:08:16+00:00

You've been liberated, but haven't realized it yet. Your anger is normal and it seems you understand it's an initial phase.

Exercise is key here. Use the anger fuel to benefit your health and well-being and establish healthy habits Working out, you can go to a gym, you can buy cheap bands and follow some workouts on Youtube, or you can stand by walking after dinner.

It's a great time to redevelop hobbies you've had to give up, and do hours-long research on new diets, hobbies, ways of living without distraction and nagging.

Good things are going to happen.

BurnDownTheMission68 · 2023-10-24T14:56:02+00:00

Deep Family Of Origin work, specifically regarding your mother is needed for healing.

Look up Tara Palmatier—shrink for men.com

Her videos on YT are priceless. Paul Elam is another to check out.

BudFox_LA · 2023-10-25T02:17:22+00:00

The weirdest part you’ll get to is when looking back on being with her is almost an abstraction, like something that you’re not sure ever happened or not. You’ll get to a place where you can’t really remember the details of having sex with her. Even though you’ve done it 2 million times. You’ll get to a point where you aren’t jealous about anyone else she’s seeing, and couldn’t care less. all of this stuff will come in time. What you will be left with is mostly bitterness over how much this whole process is going to fucking cost you. Good luck dude, gets better.

WartimeDad · 2023-10-25T03:52:50+00:00

Channel anger into lifting heavy weights. It’s shocking how helpful they are in that stage. The other thing is that you’re mourning the loss of your family. That is sad and difficult to get through, even if your STBXW is a monster. And she is the one who trashed that family and ripped it up, out of selfishness. And so it makes sense that your would have anger.

Yet as others have pointed out, it’s not a good emotion to have in your headspace (I held onto it for too long). It just clouds judgement and puts negativity into everything.

Lift. Heavy. Weights.

FuriousSasquatch · 2023-10-25T11:29:55+00:00

I'm still in this phase, it may never go away completely. You miss who your wife used to be, you miss your old life. Those things are gone my friend. She isn't that person anymore, that life you used to have is just a memory. It sucks and I understand your feelings. You just have to understand it can never be back to what it was.

hdggv · 2023-10-25T14:32:39+00:00

I am going through the exact same situation now. u/sak144 and I are brothers. His commentary really helps.

upfnothing · 2023-10-25T16:47:22+00:00

Mine wanted a kid. Then becomes a POS when raising a kid gets challenging. Completely abandoned every strategic advantage he should have been raised in. Then proceeds to endanger him while trying to sever my relationship to him. There is nothing more pathetic in this world than a woman that destroys her family cause she’s not happy. Same logic applies to gentlemen. If you chose to quit on your family cause you are not “happy” your just as shitty a human being. Kids safety and stability come before your feelings.

Title	Abandoned and Angry
Author	SummerRound
Upvotes	31
Comments	22
Date	October 24, 2023 12:44 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/17fbwpw/abandoned_and_angry/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/abandoned-and-angry.1236160 https://theredarchive.com/post/1236160

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