Friends After Betrayal?

DivorceTA1988 · 2023-10-29T13:30:43+00:00

Am I friends with my STBXW? No, am I friendly and spend time with her and the kids sometimes, yes.

I am in a better situation than most, she seems to have kept her head about the kids, zero custody issues. 50/50 that in reality is more 60/40 me.

She betrayed me we’ll never be together again and I doubt we’ll even truly be friends but I just let all that s*** go and I do what I can for the kids. Mine are 10 and 7 and I explicitly asked them if they like spending time together as the 4 of us and they said yes. A year out I can handle a couple times a month but I say “no” to her plenty if it doesn’t work for me.

mhall1201 · 2023-10-29T13:32:16+00:00

You don’t have to be friends.

I think of your relationship going forward as a business relationship. Just like you said, be cordial, friendly, and keep things to a minimum. With respect to your children, they don’t need to know what she did. Eventually, they will figure it out, but it doesn’t need to come from you. Respect the idea that this woman is their mother. They love her like anybody would love their mom. If somebody openly badmouthed, your mother, you would understandably be upset and it would probably strain your relationship with that person. I have gone through what sounds like a very similar situation. (divorced 10 years, youngest just turned 18) My personal policy has been not to say anything negative about the X, if my children are within 100 yards of me, even if I am behind closed doors. I would say that it has benefited my relationship with my boys tremendously. If your children talk to you about their mother, listen, be positive, and encourage them to continue to have a positive relationship with her. I have heard several men speaking in awful ways about their ex wives, while standing next to their children, not a good look. Don’t worry about feeling the need to explain to your kids that it’s Mom‘s fault that the family was broken up. Be a good dad, be courteous to your ex, just as you would any other person. Your kids will figure out what happened down the road.

CrazySanta7 · 2023-10-29T13:54:09+00:00

Hard no. Why? You can be cordial without being friends. Do you want to hear about dudes she's banging? That is what friends talk about. Do you want to be reminded of her cheating on each thirsty picture she posts on social media? No. Would you be okay dating a new woman who says 'my ex is a good friend'. Hell no.

Usually, men/women are 'friends' because one or the other has feelings for the other. A self-respecting person who gets their boundries crossed (cheating) does not stay 'friends' with the other. Talk about kid stuff, that's it. Don't send or answer calls/texts beyond that. It's not about hate. it's about standing up for your boundaries.

sicrm · 2023-10-29T13:51:55+00:00

put yourself first.

mentally twisting yourself isn’t going to help anyone involved, especially if your mental health eventually crashes.

Lumptbuttcat · 2023-10-29T13:48:54+00:00

The divorce itself is a form of betrayal, especially if she did not sit you down months ago, communicate her feelings, and try and work on the marriage. Situation with trainer doesn’t help.

The response to any divorce is grey rock, regardless of whatever outcome you are looking for. Simply put, you unplug from her and move forward with your life. Limit any interaction to co-parenting. Amicable applies to co-parenting only. You need to view your relationship with her like two business partners dissolving a company.

It is very reasonable to basically have a last and parting statement “I feel like you gave up on our marriage, never communicated your needs and never gave me or us an opportunity to fix things. We could have trial separated to work on the marriage. Regardless, this is your decision and I respect that. As such, I have no interest in maintaining any relationship with you other than effectively co-parenting our children. They come first.”

Need to build boundaries around this. This requires discipline on your part. It takes practice. Be cognizant of every discussion with her and learn to respond “How does that impact the kids and our parenting?” to anything outside the kids.

The other piece of grey rock I mentioned is you moving on and being better in front of her eyes. Get in shape, dress better, do your own things to make you happy. Evolve. Every outcome as a result of this approach is positive: 1. If she remains steadfast towards divorce, you are already moving on. 2. With time, you may even realize that you want this divorce more than her. 3. She may change her mind and realize this was a wrong move. No human on he planet has ever chased something that doesn’t move. Keep that in mind.

Adding to an overly long post- If you are like I was, you also feel your life is a bit out of control. Everything above is accretive to gaining control back in your life. Think about it.

techrmd3 · 2023-10-29T13:13:04+00:00

don't be friends just be coparents, take a coparenting online class

Also don't be afraid to threaten the soon to be ex with a subpoena for boytoys testimony... THAT usually get's the pressure up to 11 for a quick settlement

UGLVARPG · 2023-10-29T18:00:28+00:00

You can’t be friends because you need to trust friends and you can never trust her again. Having to interact with her is like cleaning the toilet. Just something you have to do.

Diablo_Canyon2 · 2023-10-29T15:40:21+00:00

You cant. You can be cordial but not friends.

CleburnCO · 2023-10-29T17:36:45+00:00

You can't be friends. That's a river of pain flowing your way. Dam it off and refuse to accept it. Cut contact to all things except kids. Block/remove to the max degree. Set HARD boundaries with her and tell her specifically that you will not share holidays, events, or similar...you are separate by her choice and separate is what you will be. After age 18 (for te kids), you will have zero further contact with her for life.

You keeping her as a "friend" and being publicly friendly to her, absolves her of guilt and shows that she is a good person who did good things. She wants you to show the world how she is good... Don't do that.

Acceptable_Piano4809 · 2023-10-29T14:37:49+00:00

Don’t, I don’t know why you’d want to be friends… as parents you don’t have to be enemies but friends?

Ok-Grand-1882 · 2023-10-30T16:08:31+00:00

She doesn't want to be the bad guy in her own story. Agreeing to be friends allows her to

1) Put on a show for the world that the split was mutual and amicable, and

2) Make herself feel better about abandoning and destroying her family.

See? we're friends! This was all mean to be! It's another form of manipulation. Friends don't lie and betray each other.

potatotornado44 · 2023-10-30T08:46:04+00:00

Nope.

Business only.

Why would you be friends or friendly with a she-devil?

Some guys on here really need to stand up for themselves and separate their emotions from their former spouses.

Give her the respect she gave you, which is none.

Classic_Dill · 2023-10-30T16:40:55+00:00

Its really up to you, however i realllly caution against the being buddies after your divorce, you cant heal properly while they're still in the picture. After the divorce is greedy time for you, time to find yourself and rebuild, you dont need her memory or BS sticking around, she will attempt to get you to help her do things when her young lover bails on her, dont be a lap dog, its over bye bye, she rejected you, but wants to still keep you in her cupboard? nah, just nah. I communicate only by text about kid scheduling and nothing more, she also isn't allowed in my home or my job. Go be greedy for once, up that wardrobe, go to the gym, get some self respect and start to heal, shes caused enough damage, be done with her.

iSurvivedltd · 2023-10-29T16:48:08+00:00

You can't pal.

Ask us this question when the divorce is final and you will see why I say you can't

WillyT_21 · 2023-10-29T16:15:13+00:00

Not sure about friends. My ex remarried a year ago. This helped in my healing journey after her cheating on me. I felt release and that she was now this other dudes problem. Good luck.

My ex and I are excellent co parents. We even have comments from my son's daycare of how well he does in transition from my house to hers during the week. I guess other parents aren't as good at this.

My ex and I have heard the horror stories of divorce on the children and just gravitated to accommodating our schedules for one another for the betterment of our son.

That said.......I don't want to be friends with her. Anything outside my son is a no go. She fucked things up and because of that I'm the best man I could ever be and getting better daily. It's a mind fuck that someone could do something so devastating to you and yet you can rise above and be the best person ever. Truly a mind fuck.

I had forgave my wife instantly when she cheated on me. Some could argue that was part of the problem. Not holding her accountable. I have no regrets in how my process went down. None.....I did things my way and as a result I am the best dad I can be. It was a long process from cheating to final divorce to healing.

Not long ago I was finally able to let go of her cheating. Yes I forgave her.....but I still held a resentment to her cheating on me. We were virgins when we married and that always bothered me. That I gave something special to her and she fucked it up.

That all said, I was able to truly let go and move forward not too long ago. And I know that I was able to because she could call me up today and ask me to go to Thanksgiving with my son and her new husband and I wouldn't even hesitate. Prior to me letting go I would smacked you in your face if you told me that one day I would be able to do that. And that is how I truly know I'm healed.

And I know.......some red pilled little boy will call me a cuck and say I didn't "hold frame bro"......and these little children will wonder why they can't find a good woman in their life. They will bash women and say "ALL WOMEN BAD"

Joke is on them......I'm truly free.......I have a good woman in my life that loves my son now.........and I'm on a frequency that attracted her to me.

So friends? Nah.......but doing things for my son's benefit and truly being happy for him and my ex and wishing her well? Absolutely.

And that is the difference.........but what I've just explained.......it didn't get here in a day\week\month\year.......it took years of self reflection and hard work on ME to get there.

And now the future is bright.........I have no regrets. Zero. Things just get better and better.

If I can achieve this my friends.......you can too. Cheers.

someatxdude · 2023-10-29T20:20:08+00:00

How I approached that is to rank people in this world:

Family
Close Friends
Acquaintances
Strangers
Hostile crazy crack addict with a knife
Ex-wife

She’s below people I haven’t even met yet or strangers who are openly hostile.

Why?

Because none of those other people has betrayed my trust yet, much less violated a sworn oath to me.

Think very carefully before you interact with her beyond either matters concerning the children or execution of matters to satisfy the divorce decree and property settlement.

captainchippsixx · 2023-10-29T14:17:16+00:00

Can’t be friends. And is far worse than you actually know. Guaranteed. Women no accountability and will never give you the full truth.

research002019 · 2023-10-29T21:23:41+00:00

"Friendly" but never again "Friends."

Seamonkey_Boxkicker · 2023-10-30T01:57:22+00:00

Do you feel your kids are safe with her? That’s the only baseline of trust you need to maintain with her. Yes, she broke your heart. She’s attempting to sweep it under the rug. But how is she as a parent? Has her infidelity and misdeeds creeped into her ability to keep your kids safe while in her care? She won’t be the perfect parent. She will inevitably say something to them that’ll make her a hypocrite. You will, too. That’s just the life as a parent as I’ve witnessed. I don’t know that anything else really matters between you and your ex at this point.

RubSpecialist3152 · 2023-11-01T20:59:47+00:00

Nope. Agreeing to be friends benefits her. She gets to spin a narrative that this is consensual and that you agree. She gets to say…. See? Nothing here… we are friends. If he’s ok with it then it’s ok.

I’m a woman. Friends don’t lie and cheat. That’s not what you want to model for your kids. You can co or parallel parent where you are polite. Also, depending on the age of your kids I’d tell them why you are divorcing in an age appropriate manner. If other people know they’ll eventually find out. You know how kids are. Friends in our group cheated, divorced, and remarried each other and it was social and school gossip for years.

Best wishes:)

SplurtsofPearlJam · 2023-11-03T00:35:11+00:00

Hard no for me.

If I were you, I’d go no contact (aside from texts or other written comms) as a means of protecting myself.

We here have been down in similar dumps to you. You are not alone and anyone here would happily beam you strength without a second thought.

Keep taking good care of yourself, this process is extremely dangerous to the Dad. Keep reaching out when you hit dead-ends.

You have value, just for who you are.

Comfortable-Angle660 · 2023-10-29T21:55:02+00:00

I don’t coparent, I parallel parent. Coparent if with an abuser (infidelity is abuse) does nothing but silently approve of their behaviour.

Title	Friends After Betrayal?
Author	SummerRound
Upvotes	41
Comments	30
Date	October 29, 2023 12:51 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/17j2aap/friends_after_betrayal/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/friends-after-betrayal.1236703 https://theredarchive.com/post/1236703

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