Not What I Signed Up For

krazykanuck · 2023-11-19T17:37:23+00:00

Man, I got nothing to say except, fuck. It's possible some of what you are feeling would be there without the kids too. Loneliness is a mother fucker. Keep working on find you, being happy alone, you can do this.

azwildcat74 · 2023-11-19T19:40:07+00:00

I remember when i found out I was getting divorced and it was like the vision I had for the next 30 years was just completely ripped away from me, much of that revolving around my relationship with my kids.

It absolutely sucks, there’s no way around it. However, in time you will rewrite that future accordingly and you get to put yourself at the center of it now, as you should. Im 2 years out now and EVERYTHING has gotten better. Maybe it’s a cope but I honestly can’t imagine my life anymore still being with my ex at this point, it’s just improved so much it’s sickening to think about. Hang in there buddy.

woundedsurfer · 2023-11-19T17:51:32+00:00

I’m in the exact same boat and feel your same pain. I’ve been with my stbx 17 years (married 11) two kids as well, we’ve been separated two months now after I found out about about her emotional affair with a co-worker who is also married with 5 kids. She calls him her “twin flame” and told me she loves him and has a deep connection with him that she can’t control. I’m so f’in mad her selfish needs have destroyed our family unit and our future together. This definitely was not my plan nor what I wanted. It’s been so incredibly hard on me mentally. It consumes my thoughts day and night. I’m using this time without the kids to work on myself, I’ve almost cut out alcohol completely (a few beers on the weekend only), I’m working out more than I have in a decade, just finished reading No More Mr. Nice Guy, journaling every night (never ever done that prior) and I’m surrounding myself with friends and reconnecting with old friends. I feel like I’m taking all the right steps for recovery but it’s still SO painful. The weight of this situation constantly pulls on me. One day at a time (sometimes one hour at a time) is all I can do. When I have my kids I try to be the best dad I can be. The most painful thing is knowing I will be tethered to my stbx forever in some form or fashion. Wish I could just write her off completely and move to Mexico. 😝

sak144 · 2023-11-19T18:30:52+00:00

Work on rocking the single dad life. Your story is a common one - women today have no qualms at all about blowing up their families. Self-centered, social media generation and a corrupt family court system enables it.

Just work on yourself, be the best dad you can and find lots of productive things to occupy your free time.

Honestly, once you get past the initial shock and anger, there are women crawling out of the woodwork wanting to spend time with you and have those adult conversations with you, as long as you constantly work on being the best you. Men age like wine; women age like milk. The best years of your life are ahead. It will just be different. She is approaching boxed wine, cat lady years. You aren't.

CB33isGMC · 2023-11-19T18:34:58+00:00

Modern ladies have no interest in being mothers just as they have no interest in being wives.

My ex blew our unit up and we had picture perfect kids who were top students and very high achieving athletes. Didn’t matter.

The zeitgeist emphasizes remaining “true” to oneself and the pursuit of “happiness” above all else.

However, their behaviors are not without consequence to themselves. Many are shocked when they do not enjoy the unconditional deference and admiration afforded mothers throughout history. But that dynamic was based upon the assumption that mothers were infinitely selfless, and so on.

Each of my kids chose living with me full-time once they were of age. So where the ex initially thought she’d left me in the lurch, a couple of years post divorce she was the one who found herself living alone with no family. Turntables!

Anywho, there is no way around the fact that men do not possess maternal instincts. Don’t be afraid to enlist the assistance of the women in your life. Most will be more than happy to help. My mom, sisters, girlfriends, and neighbors were invaluable in adding that woman’s touch to the kids lives. It is needed.

Good luck to you bro. It does get better. Much better.

AirSailer · 2023-11-19T18:24:00+00:00

not what I signed up for when we got married and had kids

You must face the facts, she was never yours, and you were never her first choice. You were sold a fantasy that marriage would make your life better. Your hopes and dreams became secondary to her whims and delusions the moment you signed that marriage license. Society doesn't tell men the truth about marriage, otherwise men wouldn't get married, which is a major factor in why men are now stepping away from marriage at such high rates.

I'm in the same boat, but I make the most of the time I have with my kid. We go on vacations, we do fun activities, and we make memories that I hope that some day he appreciates those memories enough to want to do the same for his kids but without the terrible marriage cycle that I had to go through.

SnooGuavas9074 · 2023-11-19T18:41:40+00:00

You’re doing a great job man. I’m approaching the second year of being a single dad and now it’s an awesome experience.

It takes a lot to get used to after having a spouse but it’s great for the kids to have undivided dad attention. I’m a million times closer to my kids than I was when I was married. I can take my kids to do whatever I want them to experience. They just went on their first rollercoaster yesterday which would have been a no go with the ex.

I’ve found someone now that meshes with me so much better than the ex did, even so I know in the future I’ll miss this father son time I have with the kids.

Make the most of this time. Your kids deserve it and so do you

folie-a-dont · 2023-11-20T05:25:43+00:00

My boys are 7 & 11yo, so I feel you in every single element of this. The problem is that life is now gone and it’s not coming back. Part of the reason you take time away and focus on yourself is to do the necessary work so you can be ready for an actually legit partner who will probably become part of the story in your kids lives. You are at the first step, but the only way is forward my man.

Square-Year-3706 · 2023-11-19T19:20:41+00:00

I hear you man. Same boat here. We have to make the best of a bad situation.

Ethereal-Mage · 2023-11-20T00:32:26+00:00

Op, have you tried looking in to volunteering in your kids classes to meet other parents? Shit women do (and some men). I have a buddy that takes his youngest to Toddler hour at the library, events at the YMCA, church youth events and coaches his kids sports (last is how we met) HE also meets lots of ladies like this. He's still spending time with his kids but has also built a separate supportive community. If not in your area maybe think about starting a dad and me group or a non gender based one where kids play and adults hang, have bbqs or host game nights. It sucks but there's always a way to make it less lonely. Your kids need you. Enjoy them while you can.

imadestarwars · 2023-11-20T01:43:33+00:00

Hate this for ya brother. So so much. Focus on you and be the healthiest version of yourself you could ever imagine. Show your kids not to give up on anything and show them that you’re capable of bouncing back and being an absolute badass. Sending you hugs bruv. ✨

diamadjinn · 2023-11-20T02:00:46+00:00

This is so spot on. Disregard the betrayal, the lying and backstabbing from the one person in your life who is supposed to support and lift you up. Picking up the pieces alone and carrying on the best you can for your kids is a lonely road.

Sometimes I’m grocery shopping and looking at these couples working together to keep guide the kids or keep them involved and think to myself, why am I doing this alone?

requiredusername01 · 2023-11-20T02:28:07+00:00

I can relate. The ex took my daughter across the country to live with her affair. I’m a shell of a man and all I want to do is be a dad with a partner in crime.

Charlie-Dee-444 · 2023-11-20T05:25:15+00:00

Exactly what I am going through, two kids, 8 and 5years. I have them from Thursday evening till Sunday evenings. They are my world but it's not how I envisioned to raise them.. single...I miss the team effort, adult conversations in the presence of our kids etc. It is difficult to get one on one time with each child as well....it's sad, lonely but that's the hand we have been dealt with. Wife simply decided marriage was not for her, 8years later, but she had been cheating as far as I know for a few months before the decision to divorce...only discovered conclusive evidence of the cheating a week after agreeing to her push for a divorce

Heddlo · 2023-11-20T07:18:17+00:00

The thing I've found hardest is handing my kids back like some sort of commodity. I told her once she'll never really know what it's like because she let's me have the kids, and I give them back. And it is very lonely being the only adult, you just want to talk grown up talk. It's different to interacting with kids. It was once described to me perfectly; you're like a balloon. When the kids are with you, you're full of love and boyant. When they go back, you're just deflated and shitty.

It does get easier mate. Just about getting into a routine with them. Be the "fun parent", take them places she doesn't etc.

JD-Anderson · 2023-11-20T14:48:06+00:00

I didn’t sign up for this, I signed up to have a supportive wife coparent with me, not a crazy woman with BPD. But it’s been years now, the kid is getting into adulthood, and I realize I wouldn’t be the father I have been, or enjoy fatherhood as much, if I was still married to that woman.

Significant_Idea_663 · 2023-11-20T20:54:39+00:00

It’s better for the kids to be raised by a single healthy parent than two parents who are toxic to the kids.

Most of us have a STBX who broke their marriage vows after lying and cheating half way through the marriage. A codependent parent is not healthy, any more than the borderline narcissistic psycho you married.

Inasmuch as your decent dreams of raising a family with a loving spouse may have been shattered, consider yourself lucky that you get to save your kids and at least show them what a healthy happy person can be. You made a mistake enough by marrying this person. Don’t compound it, flush them out of your system.

It may take a long time. This is the way.

DuelCitizener · 2023-11-20T14:43:29+00:00

There is a common theme here which is the wife gets the itch and decides to be selfish and find “happiness “ because fuck those vows made, she changed her mind… now pay up on that alimony and child support. Living that right now in (month #8)

I do think social media has an impact to this - it’s not the only thing - the “walkway wife” is real

See https://hellodivorce.com/relationships/what-is-walkaway-wife-syndrome

And also

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/divorce-busting/202209/the-walkaway-wife-syndrome-revisited?amp

My ex didn’t have anyone else and she agreed not to ask for any additional money earned beyond that point in time, but she cleaned me out to get there. Took $$$ savings and half my 401k. Admitted that she was being selfish, and her actions were affecting our kids too. Refused counseling…and clearly going through a midlife crisis .

I went through counseling and it really helped. There are still lows, but there are highs too. I would avoid taking the “get drunk and fuck around” route as others have - they all sat it was delaying the investable. instead focus on your mental and physical health. Hitting the gym is important. Finding or rediscovering passions, set goals and if you have kids, make sure YOUR time with them counts.

SoupDense1670 · 2023-11-21T14:27:14+00:00

Hey welcome to my world. I had to fight for 50% cause I know she is going to make it hell for the kids in future.

I just wanted a fucking family.

As men you need to try your luck again create another family. This new woman will help you with your kids and the kids that you have with her. Build a bigger family now.

Women like that are available on the country side or far away from cities. And other eastern/southern countries.

Don’t give up.

Mine didn’t have an affair or cheated but she was a nut case. If she had any affairs I would be devastated even more.

Acrobatic_Access_905 · 2023-11-22T22:00:31+00:00

Single parenting sucks but the weeks my kids aren't there are far worse.

ReallyNowSeeYou · 2023-11-19T23:52:32+00:00

Hey I am with u wife life me with my daughter 5 days ago. It’s been fucking crazy! What’s even more is that when I got married I told my stbx I don’t want get divorced are u sure? She said yes we will be together forever. Same thing when we had our daughter. I don’t want to be single parent are u sure? Same thing u don’t have to worry i will always be there. Yet here i am getting divorced and single dad. I’m still in the shit so I can’t say it will get better but I can say ur not alone. It’s hard I take most days 1 step at time.

RevolutionaryLaw8854 · 2023-11-19T23:02:53+00:00

DON’t do legal separation

Title	Not What I Signed Up For
Author	SummerRound
Upvotes	56
Comments	48
Date	November 19, 2023 4:55 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/17z1fp6/not_what_i_signed_up_for/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/not-what-i-signed-up-for.1238838 https://theredarchive.com/post/1238838

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