Almost done. Why is she asking for my time?

DopamineDebtCollectr · 2026-05-27T22:50:48+00:00

Hey man, I'm sorry you're going through this. As for your questions at the end? Totally normal. Read or listen to "Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life". The audiobook narration is fantastic, if you want to listen while you're doing other things. It'll help you see that your feelings are extremely common for those of us who were betrayed.

We were separated for 6 months when I confirmed my suspicions of her affair. I had told her to go stay at her mom's for a week or two because she was neglecting me and the kids very badly. She said she needed to stay away longer so her therapist and her could work on her independence and her ambivalence about our marriage. First for another month, then 3, then indefinitely. I asked her that we both stay committed to each other and work on ourselves during this time and not have any emotional or physical affairs. She agreed. It was 6 months, with a few d-days and denials along the way, until I figured out that she was already having an online affair when I kicked her out and she turned it physical that same day. I still gave her a chance to work on repairing the marriage and keeping our family together, but she wouldn't cut contact with AP.

It's been 9 months separated now. I had to file for divorce, because I don't think she was going to. The person having the affair often won't, because they can just keep having their affair consequence free that way. The kids have lived with me this entire time, their entire 8th and 4th grade school years. She's only chosen to see them about 3 hours a week during this time. She'll pick them up on Sundays, take them over to her mom's house (where she's living in the guest room) for about 3 hours, then bring them home. She rarely texts or calls them otherwise.

That book helped me to understand that it just boils down to the fact that she is selfish and entitled. She's a bad mom because she's incapable of caring about anybody else's needs more than she cares about her own. She might be asking you to join in because she doesn't want to parent them and would rather that burden fall on you. She could be trying to hoover you back in so she can string you along and prevent divorce. She could be doing it just to fuck with your head. If she's a disordered personality like my STBXW, she gets a sick pleasure out of betraying you. Mine would make references to AP or her affair from time to time that she didn't know I knew about and I could see the little smirk she got on her face when she did it.

But yeah, I asked her to cut contact with AP while we were in couples counseling that I'm sure she only agreed to to delay consequences. She said no, I filed the next day and have been gray rocking her since. I ONLY communicate with her about the kids and one word replies when I can. I saw her at a kid's event shortly after I started gray rocking and she approached me to tell me about a job interview she had coming up and I just said "Oh, that's interesting" and could tell she was taken aback and caught off guard that I had no congratulatory words and asked no follow-up questions. And it felt fucking great.

LoveCrispApples · 2026-05-27T16:14:53+00:00

"No."

It's a perfectly valid answer for anything she may throw at you.

UrAristotle · 2026-05-27T15:32:34+00:00

Cut your conversation with her to only what is relevant to logistics for your children.

You can’t control what she does with that, but when you stop engaging about anything else, she’ll move to somewhere that she gets that engagement.

I took the attitude that if you didn’t want me as your husband you don’t get me as your friend. I never stated this to her but used it as my mindset when communicating with her.

darealyst · 2026-05-26T21:57:04+00:00

You're kind of being a doormat. Take back your key, limit all convo to logistics for the kids, and for god sakes start leaving the house.

TheSteveSteward · 2026-05-26T20:24:32+00:00

It's hard to get over your ex. Distance helps. Acknowledging your feelings helps. Time helps. Talking with someone who can support you helps.

federally · 2026-05-26T16:55:04+00:00

The impression I'm getting is that you're talking to her too much. You need distance and time to heal, you can get that distance by limiting her access to you as much as is possible.

For me, my ex is only allowed to text me and I don't participate in conversation or arguments. Only direct communications about the kids.

I will never answer a phone call from her, and when she sends shitty text messages I either ignore it completely or respond "okay" and move on with my day.

darmitage55 · 2026-05-26T14:44:14+00:00

Six months is nothing when the betrayal is that fresh. Your nervous system is still in freefall.

The invites are probably her way of easing her own guilt, not actually thinking about what you need. You don't owe her a blended family experience she didn't protect. "Not comfortable with that" is a complete sentence.

Sad_Beautiful9183 · 2026-05-26T05:34:44+00:00

You can be both miserable and comfortable.

henrysmyagent · 2026-05-26T04:40:16+00:00

Manipulation and public relations.

She wants to be able to tell her friends and family that you two are chummy so she doesn't look like the selfish homewrecker she really is.

Never give her this.

She is not now, nor ever will be, your friend.

mgray1425 · 2026-05-26T03:47:04+00:00

You will never know for sure why she is doing what she is doing. Take a moment to let that sink in. She has already shown you that she is not consistent with your idea of who she is. Trying to figure out what she is doing is a waste of your time.

You are going through a terrible adjustment. You want to resist it because it is painful. Ignoring it is worse. Cognitive dissonance is what you are experiencing. Why do I know these words my brother? I feel your pain. You will resist because it is too much for you to accept. Little by little you will come to understand. Then the pain will stop.

Immediate-Story2562 · 2026-05-26T03:08:24+00:00

Maybe you want still want her because you know you can't have her.
Maybe you want her because you are still trying to hang on to a very real dream you once had for your family that included her. (p.s. she is not that person anymore)
My psychologist called me out in our very first session asking me if I want to stay with her because I love her or if I just don't want my life to change because I am comfortable. It was the latter.
Ask yourself open ended questions and with time, the truth will start revealing itself.

Legitimate-Corgi · 2026-05-25T23:57:46+00:00

Might just be for kids benefit but the way you say you do everything and drop off and pickup early etc she may just want a tagalong babysitter she she doesn’t have to be the responsible one

UnknownUsername113 · 2026-05-25T23:24:16+00:00

She’s probably just trying to show her kids a healthy co parenting situation.

I can tell you this: as soon as I got over my own issues with the divorce and started playing nice with her, my kids changed for the better. They went from being scared to talk about mom to completely open about the entire thing. They no longer feel like that have to carry the weight of parents that hate each other. It also helped me get past the entire thing when I started viewing her as a friend rather than my ex wife.

It takes a big man to let go of his anger and forgive. Once you do… it’ll get better.

No-Tomorrow8150 · 2026-05-26T01:36:01+00:00

She knows you are still her patsy. Assume everything she does is to take advantage of you. Alter motives always. Bro she has a boyfriend and you still want her. She knows you are a simp.

Immediate-Sport1611 · 2026-05-26T02:24:45+00:00

I can feel how conflicted and drained you are. Six months into separation, still carrying the betrayal, while trying to stay strong for your kids is a lot for anyone. It makes sense that you’d feel torn between wanting her and despising her, especially when she keeps inviting you into situations that blur boundaries. Naming that pain and frustration is already a step toward reclaiming your peace.

When I was in a similar place of struggling with resentment and attachment, what helped me was learning about attachment styles. The app Attached gave me a way to understand why I felt stuck in wanting someone who hurt me, and it offered tools to start rebuilding my sense of worth. If you’re drowning in that mix of anger and longing, Attached might give you a different perspective too.

narkj · 2026-05-25T22:52:59+00:00

She might just be trying to be nice. Don’t overthink it.

Paterculus523 · 2026-05-25T22:32:13+00:00

Don’t take her back when she decides the grass isn’t greener.

Ok-Anything-3605 · 2026-05-25T22:08:11+00:00

It was the same for me, exept I absolutely set the boundary of we will not be friends or plan anything together as a ‘family’. 6 months into the separation and I haven’t seen her, only spoke three times on the phone with the mediator together. And we have three kids. Exchanges happen around the school schedule or simple drop offs at each others house, ZERO interaction minus text messages for kids health stuff. It’s been great but still sucks bc I didn’t want this. You got this!

Title	Almost done. Why is she asking for my time?
Author	Weary_Bath_9236
Upvotes	26
Comments	36
Date	May 25, 2026 8:55 PM UTC (2 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1tnlmc0/almost_done_why_is_she_asking_for_my_time/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/almost-done-why-is-she-asking-for-my-time.1581237 https://theredarchive.com/post/1581237

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