Completely stuck on the past

Substantial-Run3367 · 2024-11-05T16:23:55+00:00

It gets better. It just takes time and work. Get an attorney and a therapist and be honest and forthcoming with both..

Commercial-Doubt-612 · 2024-11-04T03:03:34+00:00

I have been in your shoe. But she still stays on after I beg her to stay. After countless times of threatening of divorce, I got really jaded. Maybe it was fated this way bro. Just stay put where you are now. See how far it goes but guard your heart and let it grief. It will become numb eventually, and then you are ready to let go of things that is not meant to be yours. But I promise you, that you get 10 folds happiness in the future because you did not ask for this now. I hold on to that believe because we are genuinely a good person. Inside out. This is just another test for us to find that true happiness. It doesn't have to be with a woman or a partner. Something beyond that. I just accept this is my fate.

Battleneter · 2024-11-03T21:36:55+00:00

Couple of things,

- Its over, there is nearly zero chance reconciliation will work out long term, it will result in a 2nd separation and more wasted time.
- You existed and thrived before your wife and you will again after.
- Past events exist only in your head, don't waste today looking back, catch yourself doing this and tell yourself to stop.
- Deliberately visit places you went with your "ex" wife and make them yours, then the last time you were there it was with yourself, or with another women.

You are only going backwards dwelling on the past, this was meant to happen, making the most of today and tomorrow is going forwards.

HoneydewLeading7337 · 2024-11-03T21:23:41+00:00

One thing that helped me at the stage you're at is the realization that only one person in the world could hurt you this much- and she did.

As far as you are personally concerned she is now the worst person you know. She's done you more harm than anyone you've ever met.

So when you have fond memories of her, remember that she betrayed all of that.

ww3historian · 2024-11-03T16:25:07+00:00

Every guy thinks no infidelity and every time it was infidelity

yosemitesam00 · 2024-11-03T15:15:41+00:00

What I'll say won't register with you, and that's OK. Totally expected at this stage. Do the best you can to process this.

You will be fine in the end. You're going to feel like you're drowning more so than you do now before it gets better, but you ultimately have two choices at this point.

You can let this swallow and ruin you.
You can get your head screwed on as best as possible at the moment and use this as an agent of change for you and your child.

The best thing you can do is sit with and recognize what's going on in your head and start taking steps to make an environment that is best for you (primarily) and your child. The woman in your house is not the woman you married. The latter is gone.

Secure your finances and obtain counsel with the intent of getting a decree and judgement ASAP. Get new bank accounts that only you can access and link to the joint account. Set a budget and stick to it ruthlessly.

Don't drink alcohol, smoke weed, or anything else of the sort. Make sure you're eating healthy foods and getting sleep on a regular schedule. Excerise. Take 45 minutes, 3 times a week to pick up heavy shit, and put it down. Take walks, in silence, every day.

Don't leave the marital home without a signed parenting agreement, filed with the court. That is unless you are in some sort of physical danger by your ex.

Start referring to her as your ex.

Keep communication to a minimum, record frequently, journal all events daily. Places, times, people and events should be jotted down every day.

Photocopy or scan all important things to a location only you have access to. Deeds, titles, social security cards, certificates,loan docs, all of it.

You are your priority now. Then your child. "Secure your own mask before helping others". Consider a therapist while you go through this. Consider finding a men's group with a local church or something.

This won't be easy, and it's going to fucking suck bad. But you'll be OK at the end.

Suspicious_Dot6179 · 2024-11-03T11:12:23+00:00

It gets easier with time. But what starts the process is accepting that there is nothing u can do to get her back. Don't be a nice guy. Be yourself. And don't put her on a pedestal. She's one of billions of women. Nothing more.

CB33isGMC · 2024-11-03T09:09:52+00:00

Only time can heal those wounds brother.

Cut contact to the bare minimum and get the divorce over with ASAP. There is nothing left to salvage when she can verbalize what she already has.

You can waste years of your life in this purgatory if you allow it.

Embrace the fact that you have been set free from the thankless drudgery of being a husband and go live your life!

captainchippsixx · 2024-11-03T13:42:58+00:00

First you should see a Counselor. Second is hit the gym. Third is to get mad. She has been lying to you a long long time. This is not the same woman. She planned this all out. Lying every day to you. Planning against you.

Don’t fool yourself, Women leave because they lined up another guy before leaving the marriage.

upvotersfortruth · 2024-11-03T07:58:16+00:00

Normal spot to be in 2 months out - do your best to compartmentalize the business of the divorce from the emotions. Don’t enter into a bad deal because your mind is clouded. Open a new note in your phone and write what you’re thinking and what you want to say to her - should reduce repetitive, intrusive thoughts

dckincite · 2024-11-03T07:09:57+00:00

Our tendency is to create a story about the past that is really not true. We had tribute so many positive characteristics to our ex some of which are true, but many of which are just an idealization. Keep in mind your fantasy of the past is just as much of a fantasy as the future. So why not go to the future. And be realistic about the past. It will get easier. I’m three months in to end of a 40 year marriage and it’s already a bit better. Time is your best friend and your worst enemy.

Internal_Echidna5646 · 2024-11-03T06:36:28+00:00

You have to face reality. It's over. It sucks but it isn't the end of the world. You're going to be ok. Start taking back any control you can. Get a lawyer & start exercising in some compacity a few times a week minimum to burn off that extra stress & keep yourself healthy.

You have to get it together. Nobody really cares so we have to take care of ourselves. Harden up and let it go. Maybe sometime in a year or so you both will see things differently. In the meantime you have to take care of yourself & stay healthy for yourself first, someone new or for her in remote possibly you reconnect. Otherwise you will wake up a year from now 40 pounds heavier & even more depressed.

Accomplished_Draw254 · 2024-11-03T06:14:56+00:00

I am 10 days into this exact thing and in complete denial that it can’t be fixed so you not alone, hopefully somebody got some good advice.

Prudent-Bath-4256 · 2024-11-03T05:43:02+00:00

Trust in god's plan for you.Start yourself engaged with gym.that should help & remember there's plenty out there that you still about to explore.take care

Title	Completely stuck on the past
Author	thelongroad94
Upvotes	28
Comments	22
Date	November 3, 2024 5:36 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1gig3j7/completely_stuck_on_the_past/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/completely-stuck-on-the-past.1534496 https://theredarchive.com/post/1534496

Comments